


Far from yesterday

by bellofthetolppl



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Best friend's brother, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm, Slow Burn, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, doctor!clarke, soldier!bellamy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-19
Updated: 2017-02-14
Packaged: 2018-07-16 02:31:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 100,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7248529
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bellofthetolppl/pseuds/bellofthetolppl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bellamy Blake has just got back from war, dealing with the psychological and physical consequences of it. His sister's friend is the last person he wants lecturing him on how to take care of himself. Clarke Griffin has always considered the older Blake to be a pretentious asshole, who hates her for the lack of any reason at all. But then she ends up being a mediator between the siblings and whether she likes it or not, she gets to see a different side of Lieutenant Bellamy Blake.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The story

“But I like that dress,O, can’t I keep it up for the next date, please?” Clarke begs her best friend as he watches Lincoln throw her a really confused look and slowly shake his head at the girls, while Octavia is taking out the groceries from the brown bag. They’ve just come back from the store and were carrying extra stuff for O’s brother.

“Sorry, Griffin, but I love it just as much and I can’t part with it just because your girlfriend liked your stupid ass in it” she comments in her typical Octavia way as Lincoln leans down to give her a peck on the cheek and he throws the duffle bag over his shoulder

“Have fun, girls, and take it easy please!” he adds as he leaves for his shift as a guard in one of the big companies downtown

“Lincoln, wait, have you seen Bellamy today?” she asks concerned and Clarke notices the brow forming on her forehead. She silently sighs as she hears her best friend’s brother’s name. 

Bellamy has come home after his third tour in Iraq and was honorably discharged after he and his friend John Murphy were the only ones that survived a pretty suicidal mission that they still didn’t know the details off, because it was classified, (or so they were told from the soldier who informed Octavia of her brother’s arrival). 

Clarke and Bellamy have always had a complicated relationship. They’ve known each other for a while now, ever since Clarke and her mother moved to Ark city five years ago after her father’s death, but Bellamy has always been a pain in Clarke’s ass and if it wasn’t for Octavia, she wouldn’t tolerate him. The guy sucked okay, he always figured out a way to make her feel bad for having grown up in a wealthy family while he and Octavia have struggled so much. He had enlisted only because their mother had abruptly died and felt that it was his fault he couldn’t save her, so he had to run away. But the official reason was that he enlisted because he wanted Octavia to have the education he never did and he was paying for college with the money he got from the army. But Clarke knew that in a way he has grown to like the war. Every time before he came home, he would tell Octavia that this is his last tour and every time he signed up for another, leaving his sister worried and crying and Clarke hating him even more than she already did. She couldn’t understand him, but she was not dumb enough not to admire his courage. Or was it stupidity? She wasn’t sure. 

She just disliked the guy. But she could see how worried Octavia was for him. He got back pretty damaged, both physically and obviously psychologycally. He took a shrapnel in the back after an explosion that left him in a really bad shape. He could walk, but just barely and one of his legs was getting numb all the time, leaving him chained to the coуch for most of the day. 

He was being stubborn , that much Clarke was sure of, because she could hear Octavia argue with him all the time-his apartment was just a floor under his sister’s and her boyfriend and a few rooms down the hallway there was Clarke’s. The whole gang lived in one place really, it was the closeness of their flats that had brought them together-Monty was living with Jasper just under Bellamy, Clarke and Octavia were seconds apart and Raven was living just around the corner claiming that if she was on the same floor or even room with Monty and Jasper, she would have to kill herself. 

Anyway, Bellamy was stubbornly claiming that he’s fine when everyone knew that he wasnt. He wasn’t talkative and he refused to spend more than ten minutes with the group. The only people he would let in his place were Octavia and John Murphy, his war buddy, who has also just got back, but apparently wasn’t as screwed up as Bellamy. Octavia said that this time Miller’s death broke Bellamy. When the three of them enlisted-Bellamy, Murphy and Miller- they’ve promised each other that they’ll keep each other alive no matter what and come back safe and sound. This was supposed to be their last tour, even for Bellamy, and this time apparently, it was not another one of his lies. 

“Sorry, had no time” Lincoln apologized ”Do you want me to check on him now?” Octavia sighed and shook her head

“I’ll go see him in a minute” she promises ”You’re already late, just go” Lincoln smiles and waves Clarke goodbye before he leaves and closes the door slowly. That was Lincoln for you-doing everything so patiently and carefully as if he was afraid he would hurt the goddamn door just by closing it. 

“He’s still that bad?” Clarke asks not that much because she cares about Bellamy, but because she’s worried about Octavia. Her friend shrugs, which means that yes, he’s bad, but she’s trying to deal with it ”Come on, let’s go check on him so you can stop worrying so much” she urges her as she hops off the counter and grabs Octavia’s hand

“Clarke, I am fine I can do this on my own!”

“O, your hands are shaking. I hate seeing you like this, let’s just check on this asshole and get it over with!”

“You know I can hear you talking shit about my brother, I am right here” Octavia says but this time she’s smiling and let’s Clarke lead her down the hallway and open the front door in a much less caring way than Lincoln ”You hate going there, Clarke, please, I don’t want you doing this because of me.”

“Oh, it’ll be just fine, I’ll play with Ares while you yell at him. It’ll be just like I am not even there” Ares was Bellamy’s dog, a beautiful black Lab who for some reason loved his owner way too much for his own good. Clarke adored the dog, she’s dreamed of having one since she was a child but her mother was always so much against it. 

“I knew you had a secret agenda!” Octavia exclaims victoriously that she has figured it out as they start walking down the stairs to her brother’s place ”Just please, don’t give him a pitiful look, he hates it.

“I never do that! I work in a hospital after all, I know when to show people emotions and when to keep it all in” she informs Octavia as if she doesn’t know that, but Clarke goes back to the only time she has seen Bellamy since he came home and the realization that she has really pitied him back then, hit her pretty hard. But she was good at keeping her emotions intact and now would be no different. 

Except, it is different.

When they open the door of his flat, they find him sleeping on the floor. Ares snuggled up on his right side, licking his hand. The crutches that he’s supposed to use are leaning on the wall at a fairly long distance from him, which meant he was trying to be a stubborn idiot again and walk on his own. A bottle of Jack was laying empty on the coffee table on his right and the TV was on, playing out loud some history chanel though obviously that wasn’t bothering him. The whole place smelled like shit-mostly like alcohol but the air was also too stale, he must’ve forgotten to open the windows this morning. Or in the past few days.

That’s it if he could even get to them, Clarke realized.

Octavia is staring at him at first with sadness in her eyes and then Clarke sees it transform into anger in a matter of seconds. Ares realizes that the faces he’s seeing are familiar so he jumps off his place and heads off to Clarke only so she could scratch him behind the ears while Octavia is heading off to Bellamy and leaning down. 

“Bell!” she yells out loud not caring about who could hear her ”Bell, get up! Jesus Christ, are you kidding me! It’s been the third time this week!” Bellamy groans when she shakes him a bit harder and opens up one of his eyes only to see his angry sister staring at him.

“O?” he asks

“It’s good that you can still recognize your sister after a whole bottle of Jack, big brother!” she scolds and Clarke finally lets go of Ares who is licking her hand, so she could slowly approach the siblings ”What the hell do you think you’re doing?” she asks him as he finally decides to roll over on his back, which makes him hurt as Clarke notices. He winces and grits his teeth. She had to check that folder that’s laying around in Octavia’s kitchen which the doctor gave her and get familiar with his condition. Maybe she could help him. For Octavia. Because he looks quite pathetic right now. 

“Trying to get up” he grunts and Clarke closes her eyes in a desperate attempt to brace herself, she knows that Octavia is already pissed off, but Bellamy wasn’t it making it any better. He’s really not trying to get up, if Clarke had to be honest. He was lying on his back, slightly still wincing and staring at his sister who had her arms crossed on her chest.

“You’re not really successful in the task, are you, Blake?” Clarke announces her presence for the first time this evening and he raises his head to look at her and furrow his eyebrows

“You brought the princess here?” he questions Octavia and Clarke huffs as she approaches them. He knew she hated him calling her that yet he always fucking did it. She wanted to kick his ass right there, but the dog tags swinging from his neck stopped her, reminding her that he has fought for her safety as much as he disliked it ”That’s low even for you, sister.”

“What about you hanging out with Murphy all the time, brother?” Octavia asks, still refusing to give him a hand. He has raised himself on his elbows and Ares was back at his side, staring between his master and Octavia ”Don’t you think that’s low?”

“Relax, we were just having a couple of drinks.” Bellamy says in an apologetic tone ”Plus, you don’t need to worry. I am perfectly fine.”

Clarke can’t help but snort at his comment and he gives her an angry look.

“Did you go to your doctor’s appointment today, Bell?” Octavia asks, still as mad as she was before and he swallows hard at the sight of his worried sister ”You didn’t, did you?”

“I forgot” he mumbles like a boy who just got caught stealing cookies from the jar and Clarke tenses next to her friend, because she knows damn well Octavia will be pissed at this

“Of course you did, because you were too busy drinking yourself to oblivion with John Muprhy instead of doing what you were supposed to!” she is not raising her voice and that’s how you know Octavia is really pissed. When she’s yelling, you can make peace with her in about two or three hours but if she’s talking with that hoarse low voice of hers you are screwed

”You know goddamn well that the doctor told you that you need rehabilitation so you can start walking better. You also promised me that you’ll go, but I don’t think that’s something you might remember, considering the fact that you’re drunk almost all the time lately.”

“Octavia” he calls her out, but she won’t hear it. She’s just too tired of this ”O, come on! I’ll go, I promise!”

“Don’t bother.” she says as she turns around ”I don’t want you to do stuff you don’t want to do. It’s obvious you prefer spending time on this damn couch than with me.”

“Don’t be like this!” he asks of her, but that just the last straw

“No! You should stop being like this!” she turns around for a brief moment, facing him again while Clarke remains inbetween them, staring at the siblings in confusion just like Ares was ”Because whoever this is, is not my brother.” she finishes and turns around only to walk away and close the door with a thud behind her, completely forgetting the fact that Clarke was still here staring at the helpless man lying on the floor before her.

She doesn’t say anything for a few minutes and he avoids her look. Just when she is about to turn around and leave as well, she realizes that he hasn’t move...because he can’t move.

“You can’t get up, can you?” she voices our her thoughts and he looks at her for a brief moment before turning his head down

“I’ll be fine, you should go. Take care of her” his voice is strangely quiet and hurt. She’s used to Bellamy always nagging, judging or groaning and she must admit she has never seen him as ruined and helpless before ”She needs you.”

No, she needs her brother, Clarke wants to say, but she doesn’t, because she knows it will make him feel worse. What she can do with him is bicker and hate, that’s their specialty, so she leans down and first helps him sit up which only makes him groan.

“You know, you have to stop being such a pain in the ass to your sister” she scolds him and he just huffs, because he’s in that much pain that he’s not even up to arguing with her ”Come on, throw your arm over my shoulders” she orders and he squeezes his eyes as he does so. She attempts at lifting him, but man is he heavy! He’s dead weight from his waist down, because even despite her hatred towards him, she can’t miss how much he hurts right now. Not only physically unfortunately.

When he ends up back on the floor after her failed attempt he just sighs.

“Let me go, I’ll get myself up later” he tries to scare her away, but he forgets she’s a doctor, she doesn’t get scared easily

“No way, Blake!” she huffs stubbornly and leans back down, pick his arm and throwing it over her shoulders once more ”It wouldn’t hurt if you could help you know?” she scolds a bit, because she can see he’s not really putting any effort into this.

“My leg’s numb” he sighs in her ear and for the first time since she’s met Bellamy, she sees him in the most vulnerable position ever ”I can’t move it” he explains and looks back to his left leg which must’ve been the one that was giving him all that trouble

“Then move the other, smartass! she scolds him, but he doesn’t seem to mind it, he smiles and he looks up at her. She’s the first person not to threat him like he’s half the man he was before-she’s the first to scold him and make him get back on his feet. Well, Octavia yelled, yes, she asked him to move from the couch, but she was afraid to push him. Clarke was not. 

“Easier said than done, princess” he responds again when they end up back on the floor after another failed attempt. Just when she noticed the sweat coming down his face Ares came by her master and licked his face as he barked encouragingly ”Ugh, Ares, you are disgusting my friend, you need a bath” Bellamy scolds him mildly as he rubs him behind the ears for a moment. Clarke chuckles lightly as she listens him scold the dog and he looks up at her furrowing his eyebrows ”Got something to say, Griffin?”

“I think you’re the one who needs a shower, Blake, I am pretty sure Monty can smell that liquor from the floor downstairs” Bellamy grunts and looks really annoyed

“That’s because he’s cooking up moonshine in his own bachelor’s den, it has nothing to do with my good old friend Jack.”

“Come on, let’s just finally get you up” she begs and he tightens his grip around her arms and finally bends his good leg, only to raise himself up just enough so she could push him to the couch ”Good job, Sergeant. Next time keep off the floor.” she says with a bright smile on her face, but when she turns to look at him because she’s bend down to pick up the blanket from the floor, she finds him squizing his eyes shut and breathing deep 

”Hey, what hurts?” she asks getting full doctor mode, but he opens his eyes and shakes his head

“I’m fine. Go make sure O is alright” he just mumbles under his nose as he pushes himself back on the pillows and Ares jumps in right next to him and she wonders how come she has never noticed that he’s so caring before. 

“Blake, you should-”

“I liked you a lot better when you weren’t just another person telling me what I should do, Griffin” he cuts her off, he’s back to being a dick ”Go, I am a grown man, I can take care of myself.”

“You just have to be an asshole, don’t you?” she says with a sigh as she turns around and angrily heads off to the door ”Could’ve said thanks too. I lift your damn fat ass off the floor!”

“My ass is not fat!” he yells and she kind of feels bad for a moment, because yes, she knew that, she could feel his ribs when she was picking him up. He has lost weight for sure ”And Griffin, wait!” he calls out and she turns around just because she doesn’t have it in her to turn down a man who can barely walk.

“What now?”

“Can you hand me the remote?” he begs of her, his voice back to being gentle, which kind of startles her, because she’s never seen him like this. She huffs as she gets back and tries to find the damn thing ”And the crutches if you can?” he adds

“You should really get a nurse, you know” she comments and he just groans while she gives him the things he needs ”You can barely walk.”

“Yes I am aware of this. And why get a nurse, when I can have a doc hand me stuff?” he jokes again and she slaps him on the shoulder as she places the crutches close so he can get them.

She looks at him and she sees him for the first time that day. Actually sees him as the broken man that he is. He looks terrible, the dark circles under his eyes are just a clue that he’s not sleeping enough, his hair is a mess, but not that usual, cute mess, just an awful, sad mess. His shirt is old and stinky and the US ARMY sign on his chest might be the only thing he wears with some kind of dignity left as well as his dog tags. His arms are still as strong as she remembers though, but his whole body is just a beautiful disaster that he can’t move from that couch without help. In this moment she feels so bad for him and then she remembers the promise she gave Octavia not to pity him. So she doesn’t. He was a Blake. They were stubborn and they got offended very easy.

“Like what you’re seeing,princess?” he jokes, he knows he’s wrecked

“Nope” she responds not even slightly bothered by his smirk ”You’re still an ass.”

“Clarke, please, if you go check on him, I’ll cut you a bigger piece of the pie for dessert!” Octavia begged her friend for the twentieth time since she came in to help her with dinner. 

They had this tradition that O came up with to gather at least once a month for dinner at her and Lincoln’s place and talk about stuff, catch up ont heir lives. They had a pretty hectic schedule, between her classes in college and working in this dinner, as well as taking care of Bellamy when she could, O missed the time she could spent with her friends. And so did Clarke, whose shifts at the hospital were currently killing her-it sucked beeing an intern

”Please!”

“Octavia, you know that you’re both acting as kids right now” Clarke states pretending to be annoyed as she throws her friend a tired look. 

Octavia has had another big fight with her brother last week and she had heard them yell from the floor downstairs. This time it was worse though-they’ve said some pretty bad things to one another, things that made Clarke hate Bellamy even more, despite the fact that he was probably drunk and in pain when he said them. Either way, Octavia refused to go see him until he dragged his ass upstairs and apologize and since Bellamy was too stubborn to do so, they were not on talking terms, leaving Lincoln and Clarke having to deal with both of them, acting as mediators. She has been to Bell’s apartment twice this week which was a lot more than she would’ve wanted it to be.

“He knows damn well that if he doesn’t come tonight, he’s in big trouble” her best friend states as she hands Lincoln the salad so he could carry it to the already almost done table ”I can’t talk to him right now.”

“You are asking him to come have dinner for fuck’s sake!” Clarke exclaimed now really annoyed. She was starting to get tired of this.

Or maybe she was pulling up such a fight because the last two times she went to get Bellamy dinner, she has found him in the most pathetic state possible, feeling worse for him the more she stayed there. Which she hated herself for, because he really didn’t deserve her compassion.

“Yes, but that doesn’t mean I’ll talk to him. It’s just important for me that he comes, that means he’s getting over himself” she explained as she stopped chopping vegitables and sighed ”Clarke, please, just help him get in here. We both know he won’t be able to do it on his own.” Clarke sighs as she finally nods and heads for the door, all the while thinking how if Bellamy really cared for his sister, he would try to get better but no, he was bent on ruining himself and getting drunk with Murphy.

That damn Murphy.

“Blake, I am coming and I hope you’re not naked on the couch or barely breathing on the floor” she yelled before she pushed the door handle. It was their thing-they yelled at each other in a way different to his bickering with Octavia.

She was surprised when she found him on the couch, but this time sitting, dressed in a nice pair of jeans, a white t-shirt on, his crutches right next to him. The flat was still a really big mess, but he seemed clean and...well pathetic since he was struggling to put a plaid shirt on.

“Oh my God, you shaved!” she exclaimed just to get a reaction out of him as he finally glanced at her ”You’re back to being decent.”

“And you’re not as I can see” he responds with a grunt and she approaches him, grabbing the collar of the shirt

“Come on, lift your arms a bit” she instructs as she helps him put it on. 

“You can stop staring at me like this, Griffin, yes, it’s really me and yes, I am still an asshole, so you can sleep sound tonight.” she actually laughs at this as she shakes her head, but she’s grateful that for the first time this week, she didn’t find him dead drunk somewhere in the flat.

“Thanks for the reassurance. Who helped you anyway?” she asks and she mentally scolds her as she does, because he hates getting help from anyone 

“What? A person can get themselves dressed and clean on their own?”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it that wa” -she starts apologizing but he smirks and she slaps him on the shoulder, because he had done this on purpose

“Monty gave me a hand earlier” he explains finally and she notices a light smile flash on his face. Of course, he would let Monty help, but not his sister or Lincoln or anyone who would come by and want to help

”Let’s get this over with” he said after that and Clarke watched him get up on his own. She didn’t help him even though she wanted to, but she was well aware he wouldn’t let her. Not with that ”Did my sister send you to check on me?”

“She was certain that you won’t come, so please be decent to her tonight. I can’t have another week of her calling me and complaining about your stupid ass all the time” she protested and Bellamy smiled as they slowly took off the flat and down the hallway to the elevator. Climbing stairs was out of the question for him, he was draggin his lifeless left leg enough as it was and Clarke was pretending not to notice ”I have night shift you know and I would love to catch up on my sleep.”

“I’m sorry I am such an inconvenience in your perfect everyday life, Griffin” he huffs as she follows close behind him, but she just shakes her head as she reaches out for the button in order to call in the elevetor.

“Wait!” he stops her and she looks at him confused ”I want to push it.”

“What are you now, Blake? Five?”

“Shut up, I’ve been doing this since I was a kid, you won’t get that away from me” he was joking, but she sensed the sadness in his voice. The world had taken so many thins away from him that he refused to give it anything else.

Of course, she let him push the damn button.

And when the elevator doors open her jaw almost hits the floor when she sees Murphy actually dressed up as nicely as Bellamy holding a bottle of wine in hands and giving them his most annoyed face.

“So we stopped to get your fat ass, huh?” he joked at Bellamy and his friend huffs

“What are you even doing here?”

“Your sister invited me” he explains and scoops to the left when we get in. Clarke noticed for the first time that there was something strange about him as he almost bumbed into her even though she was right under his nose

“Why on earth would she do that? She hates your ass” Bellamy says while they wait for him to drag himself inside and Clarke clears his way so he can push the button for the floor upstairs ”Thanks, princess.”

“Hey, don’t ask me, I was scared enough to say no. She’s a Blake after all!”

“Damn, right” Bellamy smiles as he looks at his friend’s hands. Clarke is observing them curiously, she feels like this is the first time she actually sees Bellamy a little bit relaxed and not bothered by the fact that he’s ruined ”What’s with the wine?”

“I decided that if I am going to have dinner at your sister’s place, the least I could do is bring some booze to help go through it.”

“No way, you’re not drinking tonight and neither am I” Bellamy’s voice changes and Murphy turns to look at his friend squinting his eyes in an unnatural way, which makes Clarke even more confused. Was something wrong with him?

”Tonight is about my sister, not about us trying to drown our miseries, you’re not drinking, Murhpy.”

“Fine, Sergeant.”

“Lieutenant!” Bellamy corrects him and Clarke is surprised for the second time since she got out of his place. She always taught he was a Sergeant.

“Shut up, you practiced it only for two weeks!” Murphy huffs and Bellamy raises one of his crutches and kicks him in the ribs with it

“You could’ve seen that coming if you had worn your helmet when we were blown up” and finally it clicks. Clarke looks up at Murphy and realizes how irresponsive his eyes were to any movement in the elevator. He wasn’t blind, but he obviously wasn’t great at seeing and the glasses that stuck of his plaid shirt pocket, were an indication of his refusal to admit that he’s fucked up just like Bellamy refused to use his crutches.

When they drag themselves inside Clarke hears Bellamy scold Murphy to behave to which his friend only grunts and Octavia welcomes them and kisses her brother on the cheek even though she’s still mad at him. Then takes the wine from Murphy who looks at it leaving his sight with the saddest expression ever, making Clarke feel a bit bad for him.

Jasper and Monty arrive loudly as they usually do and Raven is late, because why the hell won’t she be late, tugging Wick, her co-worker with whom she’s been hanging out lately by the collar and blaming him for being last. 

This is their first gathering together since Bellamy came back home about a little over a month ago and the atmosphere is somewhat different. The guys hug him and he pats their skinny shoulders, Raven grants him a nod as she sits down opposite of him and Wick settles right next to her. Bellamy leaves Octavia take the central spot with Lincoln on one side and him and Murphy on the other. Clarke is right next to her best friend’s boyfriend.

When they dig in the food, it’s a bit awkward at first, because it was weird having Bellamy back like this, but he surprisngly for Clarke decided to act decently and the tension soon disappeared.

Until Jasper decides to make it awkward again.

“So don’t you guys have some funny war story to tell us this time?” he says with a wide smile on his face as if he’s announcing the weather. Everyone in the room go silent and Bellamy and Murphy exchange looks. 

“Jasper, what the hell?” Monty whispers but of course everyone hears him

“No, it’s okay” Bellamy says and Clarke sees him relax back on his seat as he nudges Murphy in the ribs ”What do you think, Murphy, the one about you taking a hit in the ass is funny enough, right?” John huffs but Clarke notices him smile and Bellamy laughs at his friend’s pouting. 

He doesn’t seem to bother the question and Clarke wonders how strong those two actually were. Every time Bellamy has been back from his tours he would tell a funny story at the table.That was the only time he actually talked about the war and before Clarke has always found the stories to be quite stupid and even made up, but now she focused on listening carefully

“You just had to bring that up, don’t you?” Murphy curses under his nose but he’s half smiling too as Bellamy nods at him to start ”Fine, alright” he agrees because he knows Bellamy wants this night to be good and for them to try ”So, we were heading from our base to this town pretty far away, following the orders of our precious general” Bellamy makes a disgusted face at the mention of the general. Clarke remembers that he had said before how much he hated him ”It’s a long road, alright and it’s dangerous because they could attack whenever they like, so this guy here” Murphy pats Bellamy’s shoulder ”Is on pins an needles and we’re afraid to mutter a word in the rover, because he would start yelling at us.”

“That’s not right, you pissed me all the damn time!” Clarke sees a genuine smile on Bellamy’s face for the first time this evening. He was trying too hard before that ”He wouldn’t stop popping gum after gum and munching.”

“And you smoked in the damn rover, but nobody told you shit!”

“Of course, nobody told me shit, I am your team captain, I am responsible for your asses so you’re going to bear with me smoking in the damn rover, Murphy!”

“Guys, you wanna go back to it?” Octavia asks and they stop bickering for the moment, but they still remind Clarke of two kids fighting over who threw the rock farther in the river.

“Yes, sorry, Miss Blake” Murphy was trying too hard to kiss Octavia’s ass tonight ”So, we are all really tired from driving all day when finally our captain radios us that we can stop for the night but guess what? We stop literally in the middle of the abandoned road with nowhere to hide on both sides.”

“Shit” Jasper murmers and Murphy nods as he turns his half-blind eyes to the sound of Jasper’s voice

“We’ve had worse places to sleep” Bellamy adds but Murphy ignores him, he’s too much into the story

“So we’re screwed in all the ways possible and we’re bad on water and provisions”

“What are you talking about, you had that beer that brough us all the troubles in the end!” Bellamy interrupts him again and Murphy sighs raising his hands in the air helplessly and Bellamy decides to continue ”We were bad on food, but not on water, yet that asshole decides to drink some old beer he has hid in the rover before we’ve left. I am on guard on top of the rover-”

“Because he is our best shooter!” Murphy adds

“Not true, Miller was our best shooter and you know it” Bell cuts him off and at the mention of Miller’s name, sadness passes through their faces like a bolt of lightening but just for seconds before Bellamy continues ”Anyway, I’m on guard, Sterling is already sleeping on the ground, Miller is in it on the backseat of the rover and Murphy, smart ass Murphy, decides to drink his beer and piss me off, because why not?”

“You were too tense, had to loosen you up a bit” Murphy comments not even slightly irritated by his former commander

“And then finally in three in the morning Miller and I switch places and half an hour later they wake me up whispering and shaking my arms.”

“Why so?” Monty asks, everyone are listening carefully

“Because that asshole right here has decided to distance himself from the rover way too much in order to piss and got shot in the fricking ass!”

“They attacked?” Clarke found herself asking and suddenly Bellamy’s eyes were on her, making her swallow hard, because he looked so damn good tonight

“No, Sterling, the youngest one in our team was on guard and thought that Murphy was a threat, couldn’t recognize him in the dark and shoot him in the damn ass!” Bellamy says and the whole table bursts out laughing

“It’s not funny at all!” Murphy pretends to be offended but he’s smiling too

“They come to me alright, they shook me and Sterling is as white as a sheet, Miller is shaking and they’re whispering-Murphy took one in the ass!” Jasper is practically rolling on the floor by this moment

“But why are they whispering?” Clarke is the one to ask again

“Because if our captain finds out that one of of us is hurt he would be pissed.”

“It was an important mission and he didn’t have enough men” Bellamy clarifies

“So what happens” -this time Lincoln asks and Murphy shakes his head with a big smile on his face

“I get mad, is what happens” Bellamy continues ”First because they woke me up, second because this idiot’s ass is bleeding and there’s not much we could do and third because Sterling is going after me and pleading me not to rat him out, that he didn’t mean it and his dad would be so ashamed if he knew that he shot one of their own people.”

“The kid almost pissed his pants that evening!” Murphy adds

“He did piss his pants!” Bellamy confirms to which everyone laugh again ”It’s a fucking circus out there, Murphy is on the ground groaning from the pain, Miller is desperately trying to bandage his ass and Sterling is holding on to me like I’m his first girlfriend, asking me to forgive him.”

“We didn’t even have any septic! Those idiots had to pour half a moonshine bottle up my ass-”

“While you screamed and begged for us to let you drink, remember?” Bellamy laughs as he nudges him again

“Weren’t there any medics?” Clarke intervenes, it is a funny story but she can’t imagine how scared they must’ve all been

“There was one I think but he was stayng with our captain. I wanted to go get him, but Sterling was crying like a little girl and Miller assured me that he got the bullet out, he was good at this, he had traning, that’s why I liked having him with me all the time.”

“Yes, if we were counting only on the real medics we would’ve been dead like twenty times by now” Murphy added with dispise and Octavia shivered at the word dead

“Anyway, so we put that asshole back in the Rover-”

“Bellamy was hovering over me like a mother, I swear, he was so annoying!” Murphy adds and Bellamy swaps the back of his neck

“Stop interrupting me!” he scolds but in this brotherly way and then continues while Murphy pouts next to him ”So, we get on and start moving again, but Murphy keeps bleeding too bad on the backseat, Sterling is about to collapse and Miller is cursing all the damn time. I decide that there’s no other way and I stop the whole damn convoy only so I can go and talk to the Captain.”

“And he was waiting for his promotion when that happens” Murphy adds

“Exactly, imagine me going over there and telling them that one of my idiots shot another one of my idiots while pissing as I am on my way to becoming a lieutenant.”

“And we were the reason that got delayed for two months, by the way” Murphy admits and Bellamy just grunts. Octavia has told Clarke that he doesn’t really care that much about ranks, but she sensed that this obviously meant something for him for some reason.

“So, I go to the Captain and tell him what happened, taking full responsibility for it and expecting to be punished.”

“Did they really do that to you?” Octavia asks a little angry and he nods

“Cleaned that asshole’s tent and the toilets for the next month.”

“And what about the mission? Did you get back to camp?” Monty asks and Bellamy shakes his head

“Sterling and I stayed and Miller drove Murphy back. We rode on a back of a rover with this other team and it was one hell of an awfully warm weather.”

“I can bet that you gave all your water to Sterling just to make him feel better about shooting me” Murphy’s comment is more somber now and Bellamy nods, but it’s obvious that he’s spaced out and is probably back in that moment with Sterling on the back of another rover. Clarke is looking at both of them surprised to hear that there was another version of Bellamy out there-a caring one.

“Did he never apologize?” Jasper asks curiously again and Bellamy and Murphy exchange worried glances, wondering what to say. Bellamy just shakes his head and after a few minutes of confusion and complete silence Murphy adds

“I never saw him again. He got killed the next day.”


	2. The History channel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the comments and the kudos! This chapter has some mentions of PTSD!

Clarke wanted nothing else but to sleep for two days after the hellish night shift she just had, but she had to pass by Octavia and borrow another one of her beautiful dresses for her date tonight, plus she haven’t been to her friend’s place lately even though they lived a few doors apart and O was protesting that she couldn’t find time for her lately.

She never knocked on their door, she just went in like it was her place and she honestly felt it more like home than her lonely dark flat. She wasn’t surprised when she saw Lincoln on the kitchen counter, tossing his jacket on the armchair near the TV. He must’ve come back from work just now.

“Hard shift?” she asked with a smile when he turned around after hearing the door open. She was surprised to see the sad expression on his face and immediately knew that there was something else going on ”What’s wrong” 

“O’s closed herself in our bedroom crying” he announced as he sat down on the couch ”I think she had another fight with Bellamy but she won’t tell me.” Clarke sighed, seriously getting tired of her best friend’s brother’s attitude. She hasn’t seen him in a week and somehow he had managed to stir some bullshit in the meantime ”Can you-”

“I’m on it” she smiled as she headed to their bedroom and knocked on the door gently ”O, it’s me, your best friend in the entire world” she announced and waited a few seconds before opening the door and peeking in, only to find Octavia under a couple of blankets, hiding from the whole world and staring at the window. She rarely cried but when she turned to look at her this time, Clarke noticed the tears in her eyes

“Hey” she said as she brushed away a fallen tear from her cheek

“Hi” Clarke greeted as she let herself in and approached the king sized bed. She gently placed an arm on her friend’s shoulder ”So, Bellamy was a dick again?”

Her words make Octavia squeeze her eyes for a moment before nodding. She was clearely very sad.

“He said that his life ended the day I was born” she mumbled quietly and stared at the window again, afraid to look at Clarke and show her how bad she felt. 

Those were the Blakes for you-always stubbornly denying help.

“He did what now?” Clarke raised her voice. She was exhausted and she was on the verge of bursting out ”That’s it, I am gonna kill him!” she stands up abruptly before Octavia grabs her wrist

“He was drunk” she tries to excuse him even now but Clarke doesn’t care at all right now

“Stop this, O, you know he’s acting like an asshole since he came back home. And even before that if I have to be honest” she added and her friend granted her a light smile

“He’s just hurt. I don’t know what happened last time, but-”

“I don’t care, I am going to go deal with him right now” Clarke announced still as angry and this time doesn’t stop when her friend called her back. She’s storming out of the apartment leaving a very confused half asleep Lincoln on the couch and heading downstairs to Bellamy’s place.

She doesn’t knock on his door either, just bursts in like a tornado which makes him almost jump from his own couch where of course, he’s lying dead drunk

“What the hell!” he yells ”Get out of here!” he says when he realizes who’s the intruder. 

Clarke noticed that in his half-asleep state his first reaction was to grab an imaginary gun from his waist and for a few seconds there she actually feels bad for him. And then she remembers the crying O under her blankets.

“Get up!” she orders as she comes by and yanks the blanket off of him ”Come on, get your ass up!” she orders and he moves up just because he still can’t realize what’s going on

“What is wrong with you, Griffin? I am not in a mood for one of your games!”

“Oh, turst me, this is not a game” she’s raising her voice more with every word she speaks ”I am so mad at you right now!”

“What the fuck did I do to your precious wealthy ass?” he asks as he rubs the back of his head and reaches for the almost empty bottle of Jack on the coffee table, only so she can yank it off of his hand

“Enough of this! Do you know how I just found your sister? Crying in her bed because of your stupid behavior! I don’t care how much you hurt or what the hell went wrong on your last mission, I am tired of seeing her constantly worried or sad because of you! So get your ass up, we are going to the hospital!” she announces and he raises her eyebrows, she can see that he’s still a bit tipsy but he’s realizing absolutely everything she’s saying and she’s a bit surprised to see that there’s a guilty expression on his face.

“She was crying?” he asks, his voice shaky

“Of course she was, you told her that your life ended the day she was born!” she responds still as angry and he buries his head in his hands and she looks at him confused ”Don’t you remember it?” he just swallows hard and slowly shakes his head

“Well, glad to be the one to break it to you that you were the biggest dick to your sister.” he doesn’t say anything for a few minutes and she watches him from above with her hands crossed, still as mad but finding her anger starting to disappear ”Come on, get up and take a shower.”

“Why do you want me to go to the hospital, Griffin?” he asks tiredly but doesn’t look up, his eyes are fixated on some opened envelope on the coffee table

“We’ll look for therapy for your leg, I know just the right person who will help you with rehab, then we’re coming back and apologizing to your sister.”

“I don’t like hospitals” is all he comes up with but she won’t have any of it

“I don’t care. This isn’t about what you or I like. It’s about Octavia. You’re going to get your shit together for your sister or help me God, I’ll kick your ass myself, I don’t care that you can’t walk.” he sighs and slowly gets up. She reaches out for his hand in order to stabilize him since he staggers and hands him the crutches 

”Bath!” she orders

“Is there any way for me to get out of this?” he asks helplessly and she shakes her head. 

He heads to the bathroom and while she waits for him to get ready she looks for clean clothes. It doesn’t surprise her that she can only find two clean shirts, one of which has holes on the back and she wonders why on earth is he even keeping it. The other is a grey one and says US ARMY on the front whcih makes her sigh annoyed-he needed clothes.

When he gets out of the bathroom he stumbles without his crutches and leans on tables or cupboards in order to steady himself. Once she turns around she tries to swallow dong a gasp-he’s half naked and there is a white towel hanging from his waist. She has never seen him like that before and she’s surprised at how well built he was even after obviously losing so much weight. She notices the scars on one of his side and a tattoo on the other but she doesn’t get the chance to read what it says. He catches her staring at him only so he could look down at them himself and half smile.

“Gun shots wounds” he explains ”From my first mission”

“Octavia never mentioned it” Clarke’s voice is still unstable. Her friend talked about her brother all the time he was gone.

“That’s because she doesn’t know. They were grazes really, nothing that serious.” he says with a shrug ”Enjoying your view, Griffin?” he smirks but she just huffs annoyed as she throws the shirt it at him.

“Just get dressed and let’s go!” she orders

“I can’t put this on” he says and she turns around, getting tired to deal with his bullshit after picking a few plastic glasses from the ground. But when she meets his eyes she realizes he’s serious 

“That’s the only clean shirt you have, Bellamy” this is the first time in a while that she calls him by his first name

“I can’t wear it” he says again, still staring at it as he shakes his head and then looks up ”It’s Millers” he explains ”He must’ve forgotten it when he was here last time. Which was...more than half an year ago.” she can see that he goes back to the that time his friend was crashing at his place. A time when he was still alive

“Oh” Clarke doesn’t know what to say, she can see that he’s clearly upset but he would never admit so, he just wraps his fists tight around the shirt and she wonders if he’ll ever tell them how one of his closest friends died ”I’ll just go grab one from Lincoln then. The jeans are good though, yes?” he nods and by the time she’s back with a black shirt borrowed from Lincoln, he’s managed to put them on.

Fifteen minutes later they were already in his truck (because, “If I am going anywhere with you, it has to be with my car”), she’s driving because it’s obvious that he can’t and she notices that he’s still buried in thoughts as he stares through the window, reminding her of his sister.

“It should’ve been me, you know?” he states after a few minutes of complete silence and she looks at him surprised that he had decided to talk to her of all people and that it was something different from the usual sarcasm ”Not Miller” he continues and she gets what he’s talking about ”I should’ve died out there. At least my sister would’ve been free of me.

”Your sister loves you Bellamy. She was sick out of her mind whenever you left for a tour. I hardly believe it would’ve been better for her if you weren’t here now.”

“She loves the previous me” he shakes his head, disagreeing with her ”She loves that man I was before I left. And that man is dead now.”

Clarke can’t figure out what to say to this which is big considering that she always has a snarky comment for Bellamy Blake, but not this time.

When they enter the hospital, he sighs and drags himself slowly behind her as she leads him to the elevator.

“I hate hospitals” he mumbles again and she smiles at him acting like a five year old

“You also hate me but here we are” he groans, but she can see that behind his facade, he actually looks scared ”Are you kidding me now, Blake? You’re sweating like a 13 year old before his first date. Get it together, you survived three tours!”

“War is war. I have a gun there, I can protect myself.” she laughs out loud and he cocks his eyebrow.

“I just love your logic, Blake. Come on, my friend is cool, she’ll take care of you, promise.”

“You’ll leave me alone with some doctor?” he asks surprised and Clarke smiles again

“I have some charts to fill in so by the time you’re done I’ll come get you so we can go home and get on that apology thing.”

“I hate you, Griffin” he groans frustrated and when they make it to the right floor she waits patiently for him to get out the elevator and head for Indra’s office. When Bellamy saw her, he whispered to Clarke “Griffin, if you stay, I’ll buy you enough booze for the next month.”

“Sorry, Blake! I have work to do” she hisses back as they wait for Indra who’s talking to a nurse

“Griffin!” he grabs her wrist now and looks at her with the saddest expression ever ”Please” the word is barely audible 

“Excuse me, what?” she teases him, she can’t say she’s not enjoying this

“Come on, don’t make this harder for me. Don’t you feel sympathy for the the veterans?” he tries again and he’s quite pathetic but she just chuckles ”I promise, I’ll be decent.”

“For how long?”

“Like...a day” he mutters and looks at Indra like she’s the scarriest person he’s ever had to face. Clarke raises her eyebrows, implying that this is not long enough ”Okay, okay, a week!”

“And you will behave in front of your sister?” she questions and he grunts before he finally nods ”Okay” Clarke agrees happily, with the most pretend innocent expression on her face ”I’ll stay.”

“Okay, let’s see what seems to be the problem here” Indra’s voice is tired and she always has this scary look on that she gives to everyone of her patients

“Man, I am screwed” Bellamy grunts as they walk in the room. Clarke just chuckles, this is going to be a story worth-telling on the next family dinner.

Over the next week things in the Blake castle go very smoothly. Bellamy keeps his promise and apologizes like a thousand times to his sister, hangs in their flat more than his and doesn’t get drunk with Murphy. 

Octavia is over the moon happy that he had agreed to go to physical therapy twice a week (under Indra’s orders) and when she finds out Clarke was the one to push him, she hugs her and keeps her in her embrace longer than usually, thanking her as many times as humanly possible and even making her blueberry cupcakes (Clarke’s favorite).   
Bellamy still bickers with Clarke whenever she’s around and that only makes Octavia groan whenever her best friend comes by and her brother happens to be there too at the moment, but Clarke catches her smile and she knows that she’s actually enjoying listening to their fights whenever they are not about something way too serious. 

Honestly, Clarke is quite optimistic that Bellamy can stop being such an ass but she doesn’t get her hopes up too much. She might’ve noticed that he’s not such a dick and that he can be decent when he wants, but she’s also a doctor and she is quite aware of the fact that Bellamy is a ticking bomb, that’s going to explode at some point and probably drag his sister with him, which only pained her because she had no idea how to break this to Octavia.

When Clarke hears her phone ring in the middle of the night after she has finally got home and fell asleep as soon as she hit the pillow, she groans and tosses the damn thing on the floor, without even looking who it is.   
If it’s not her pager then it meant it’s not from the hospital and it wasn’t important, ergo she could keep sleeping. When she hears it ring for the second time, she still ignores it because she’s pretty certain that it might just be Octavia drunk calling her from her vacation with Lincoln, Monty and Jasper. They went out of town a few days ago, after they all passed their exams and got a whole free week from work and unfortunately Clarke couldn’t join due to her horrible shifts and the fact that her boss was the biggest asshole on the planet. 

Octavia went reluctantly leaving her basically immobilized brother behind, begging Clarke to keep an eye on him and asking him to call three times a day. If she had to be honest, Clarke wasn’t doing a great job in making sure he was fine since she had a ton of work to do at the hospital and spent the last 40 hours there, but she was pretty sure he must be doing fine, probably getting drunk with Murphy. 

So she ignored the third one as well.

And then the fourth one really pissed her off and finally got her out of bed.  
She reached out for her phone on the floor and without even looking who was calling picked up.

“God, I swear Monty I am going to kill you if you wake me up just to tell me another joke while you’re getting high in the middle of nowhere!” she curses and then suddenly stops as she hears the ragged breathing on the other end ”Hello?” she asks confused 

“Griffin” Bellamy’s weak voice form the other side startles her and she finally opens up her eyes completely ”Goddamn, what should a man do to make you answer your phone?”

“Bellamy?” she asks confused as she stands up ”What’s wrong?” he’s gasping for breath on the other side and she’s already looking for her jeans, because she just knows he needs her

“I fell, princess” he mumbles weakly ”Pretty hard. I could use your help if that won’t disturb in any way your beauty sleep.”

“Fuck, I am coming” she promises and dumps her phone on the bed as she struggles to get her jeans on. She doesn’t even put socks on as she gets her sneakers on and closes her door with a thud, running down the floor.

When she gets there, she practically bursts in and at first she can’t see him because it’s so damn dark but once she turns on the lights she spots his feet somewhere near the kitchen and runs only to find him a fallen a few feet from the couch, phone still in his hand.

“Jesus, Bellamy” she says worriedly as she leans down and slowly turns him on his back only to meet his crouched by the pain face ”Hey, hey, it’s fine” she tries to calm him down, his hand is on his tight, gripping his leg even though she knows everything from the waist down probably hurts right now

“Hey, Princess” he greets when she puts her hand on his forehead and wipes away the drops of sweat from it. His shirt was wet and his eyes were quite disorientated, probably from the pain ”I think this might be the first time I’m actually glad to see you.”

“Can’t say the same here” she responds and he attempts at smiling but he ends up groaning again and she’s starting to get scare ”How did you even end up here?”

“Oh you know, the usual, I was sleeping” he takes a deep breath before clenching his jaw again ”Woke up” that was code for, I probably had a horrible dream that woke me up.   
Octavia has mentioned she has heard him yell ”Then tried to grab a glass of water from the kitchen and the rest you know” he explains with long pauses inbetween while she checks out his legs and applies pressure, which only makes him huff

“Dammit, Princess, I wasn’t sure until now, but you do know how to hurt a man.” she wants to smile at his attempts to make this better and she would’ve if he wasn’t in so much pain

“You’re unbelievable, you know this right?” he nods and she gives him a serious look ”Gotta get you to the hospital, Bellamy” she announces gently but he shakes his head

“No, hospitals” he says sternly now

“But they could-”

“NO, hospitals, Griffin” she sighs and rubs her forehead tiredly ”Just get me to the couch and go back home, I can deal with this on my own.”

“I can’t even lift you up, Bellamy, your feet are both numb as hell and we both know-” 

“That I am dead weight from the waste down, yeah” he finishes her sentences and she furrows her eyebrows,because she wouldn’t have put it exactly like that. She really can’t pull this off now, the first time she lift him up was a miracle and they were right next to the couch. She couldn’t do it now. ”Call Murphy” he orders next ”He can help.”

“It’s three in the morning” she states and he shakes his head disagreeing with her just as she notices how sweated his forehead is again

“He doesn’t sleep much if at all” he explains and she knows this counts for him as well ”Just call him, he has done this before” she swallows hard, wondering how many times before has he found himself in this state, calling his only currently alive friend for help, knowing well enough that he couldn’t do this to his sister.

She grabs his phone from the floor and finds Murphy’s name. Bellamy’s probably right about his friend lacking sleep just as him, because when he picks up he doesn’t sound drowsy at all. He doesn’t need more than a minute to realize how serious the situation is and he promises he’ll be there in ten minutes, without any trace of joke or bickering from his part.

When he gets here exactly ten minutes later, in which time Clarke was trying to distract Bellamy in every way possible, Murphy bursts through the door looking like he’s about to kill the son of a bitch who hurt his friend. Only, he can’t and his friend is already too screwed up just like him

“Glad to know you can still wake me up in the middle of the night, even if it’s not because someone is trying to fucking kill us” he jokes as he rushes by Bellamy’s side ”How screwed up are you?” Clarke notices that he doesn’t pay much attention to her, that his focus is solely on Bellamy and that he’s wearing his glasses probably for the first time since he was back which meant he realized how serious the situation is

“He’s very screwed up” Clarke answers instead because she notices Bellamy’s breathing has grown shallow again and her eyes meet Murphy’s. She notices how hazy they look, as if he had an additional white layer on top of his irises

“Can you help?” he asks her and she nods

“I can give him painkillers, but that’s just about it.”

“Charming” Murphy grunts displeased ”Just like you.” Clarke wants to slap him on the face but she knows he’s probably trying to distract Bellamy. That or he’s pissed off as well.

“Hate to interrupt your sweet chat, but do you fucking mind picking me off the damn floor, Murphy?” Bellamy grunts annoyed probably because of the pain and his friend sighs   
”You can flirt with the Princess later.”

“Hey don’t be jealous, Sergeant, you know you own my heart” she has no idea how he manages to joke in such a moment but she’s glad because he cracks a smile out of Bellamy ”Can you get on your feet at all?” he asks seriously next and Bellamy shakes his head ”Okay then, we’ll do this the traditional way” he grabs Bellamy’s arm and pulls him up into a sitting position which makes Bellamy yell, but Murphy seems to be used to this. Clarke isn’t.

“Can’t you maybe be more gentle?” she snaps at him and he looks at her annoyed

“Hey, he’s a tough bastard, he’s used to pain” he just states and Bellamy adds a weak “I’m fine” as he looks at Clarke, attempting to reassure her that Murphy really knows what he’s doing. Clarke has never felt more helpless in her life and she was a fucking doctor ”Come on now” he urges Bell again and his friend tosses his arm over Murphy’s shoulder 

”Aww, we’re doing this bridal style, didn’t know you were ready for our first night as newlyweds, Sergeant.”

“It’s Lieutenant, goddamn you and fucking cut it off, Murphy!” Bellamy raises his voice and Clarke watches Murphy shove his other hand under his friend’s lifeless knees and pull him up. She has never expected that a skinny guy like Murphy can pull this off but aparently she underestimated him because he lift Bellamy up without much effort

“Where to, honey? Our wedding bed or the couch?” he asks but Bellamy is covering his eyes with his hand and Clarke realizes that he feels extremely embarassed right now so she answers for him

“The couch will be fine” Murphy nods and gets his serious expression on as he carries Bellamy there and slowly drops him off

“Here you go, Lieutenant” he says and there is kindness in his voice now

“Thanks, John” Bellamy mumbles but he’s looking away because he feels terrible and Clarke notices that this is the first time he’s called his friend by his first name

“I’ll go grab my kit and I’ll be right back” Clarke promisses and by the time she’s back Murphy is crouched on the floor next to Bellamy waiting impatiently for her. 

“Okay, move up” Clarke hushes him aside and gets to Bellamy

“No need to fight, blondy, we can share” Murphy tries joking again but Bellamy is still as embarassed and fucked up. He doesn’t look at her as she gives him a shot

“This should help” she says gently and he just nods, because he can’t bring himself to speak ”Try to sleep, okay.” she tells him and with the corner of her eye she notices Murphy peeking from her shoulder worriedly

“Turn the TV on” Bellamy asks and she furrows her eyebrows ”Helps me fall” he explains and nods, stretching out to get the remote but Murphy beats her to it  
“The history channel?” he asks and Bellamy nods. Murphy settles on the floor again and Clarke takes the armchair. 

In about ten minutes Bellamy’s out and she and Murphy fall into a comfortable silence besides from the humming coming from the TV. Murphy sighs relieved and she only realizes how tense he has been until now.

“I don’t get how he even likes those stuff” he comments as he nods at the TV but Clarke doesn’t pay any attention to this and asks something else instead

“How many times has this happened before?” Murphy shruggs

“Three-four, I don’t know. I don’t keep count” he says silently as not to wake Bellamy up ”He didn’t want Octavia to know.” Clarke nods, because this is Bellamy, he wouldn’t do this to his sister.

They fall back in a comfortable silence and then about an hour later when Murphy is kind of napping on the floor, his head falling on the edge of the couch and Clarke is staring at the TV, finding history stuff for the first time interesting, Bellamy starts tossing on the couching and screaming scaring the shit out of Murphy and her.

“Miller, get down!” he’s yelling with his raspy voice ”Miller! I told you get down, damn you!” Murphy gets on his feet and grabs Bellamy’s arms, shaking him and calling his name but without any effect ”MILLER, DOWN!” Bellamy keeps yelling and raises his hands as if he’s trying to shoot someone. 

Clarke’s heart clenches and she gets behind Murphy, not knowing what to do, because Bellamy is trashing the couch and probably hurting himself even more. Murphy doesn’t seem startled, he grabs his hands and yells out again

“Bellamy, wake up, goddamn it!” Bellamy’s eyes finally snap open but he seems so confused, like he has no idea where he is, his shirt is soaked again and he’s sweating even worse than before when Clarke found him ”It’s okay, it’s fine, you’re home” Murphy explains as Bellamy gasps ”We’re not in the middle of a goddamn desert, we’re home, I am here, the princess is here” he nods at Clarke ”And you’re fine.” Bellamy sighs as he lets himself sink back on the pillow and Clarke grabs the wet towel she has grabbed before and presses it to his forehead. The coldness calms him down and he closes his eyes again ”That’s right, you’re okay.”

They help him get a few sips of water and then when he seems to have calm down, they settle back on the floor and Clarke grabs his shaky hand and steadies it. She doesn’t let it go until he falls again, exhausted from everything. Then she turns to Murphy.

“You need to tell me what happened to Miller” she states and she gives him a look suggesting that she won’t take no for an asnwer.

”I can’t, it’s-”

“I don’t care if it’s classified” she cutts him off ”Leave out the non-important stufff, just tell me what the hell happened out there.” he sighs and runs his hand through his hair. She gives him a few minutes to get himself together and glances at Bellamy, probably making sure that he’s still sleeping.

“We were on a mission” that much was clear to Clarke, but she lets him speak ”I don’t even think that we were supposed to go on one that day. I remember Bellamy woke us up early, told us that the captain called him in for a briefing with the Intelligence guys, we were supposed to go to this goddamn place where a few of our guys were ambushed earlier that week. We were supposed to...I guess clear the area” he swallowed hard after the last words 

”We were asked to kill, basically. Bellamy hated it, but you can never disobey your superiors of course. He wanted only me, Atom and Bryan to leave, but Miller heard that we’re going and asked to come. He’s been shot a few weeks back and was benched, but now they’ve cleared him and he just couldn’t sit on one place still for more than five minutes” at that Murphy stops and smiles, probably remembering his friend

”He begged Bellamy to take him with us and at first Bellamy disagreed, but Miller pulled him aside and obviously convinced him.” for which he probably now blames himself, Clarke thinks ”Anyway, leaving all the unnecessary details out, we go there and it turns to shit. We are way outnumbered and we don’t have enough ammo. Intellegence had screwed us up and Bellamy is cursing. The captain gets hurt and has to be escorted. I honestly have no idea how long we fought but it must’ve been hours. We were ordered to cover for the captain’s rover while they took him out of there and that’s when it all went crazy. Before we knew it Atom was shot dead in the head, Bryan was lying somewhere near the rover missing an arm and screaming his guts out. Bellamy grabs me and starts shoving me towards this wall so we can get cover but as I run they hit me in the side and I fall, my helmet discarded somewhere along the way. Bellamy runs to me and picks me up, starts pulling me to safety. I hear him yelling at Miller to get down and cover, because he’s out in the open” that’s why he was yelling in his sleep, Clarke realizes, he was reliving that moment

”He’s still back near our rover, trying to get to Bryan I think, even though if you ask me there was no point, the guy has half-bled. And then one moment I am hearing Bellamy yell and holding my wound and the next something blows up. The last thing I remember hearing before I lose consciousness is Bellamy yelling something and calling my name.” he stops and Clarke observes him carefully, she notices his hands are trembling and feels bad for asking him about it in the first place. 

But she just had to know. 

Murphy remains silent for a few minutes and she waits for him patiently

”When I wake up we’re in the field hospital. My eyes bandaged, I can’t see anything. I panic and then I hear Bellamy’s voice on the right. He calms me down, even though he sounds like shit and yells for the nurse.”

“He would take care of you even when he’s hurt.”

“He’s our team captain” Murphy nods agreeing with her ”We’re his responsibility, he would always say that.” Clarke remembers him saying the same thing about Octavia on numbers of occasions. ”Later the nurse tells me that they found him trying to still drag me away to safety, while crawling with a shrapnel in his back, asking them to save me first.”

After that they grow silent and all that Clarke could think about is that the man lying on that dirty old uncomfortable couch is a person she knows nothing about. But a man she would like to get to know now for sure.


	3. The Captain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading once again! There are some light mentions of Lexa here, just warning you all and of Kane! Hope you enjoy and I am sorry if this gets a bit too heartbreaking here and there.

Early in the morning Clarke convinces Murphy that he can go back home, because she sees how hard it is for him to stay himself after she made him tell the story about Miller. She sends him off and promises she’ll look after Bellamy and that if they need any help she’ll call. She’s never seen Murphy concerned about anything, but now he was and she hated herself for misjudging both him and Bellamy.

She stays by his side on the armchair, the TV still on and she’s lightly snoring, but still holding his hand when he waskes up. He stays like this for a moment just looking at her when he finally opens his eyes, wondering how up until now he hasn’t realized how beautiful she is. 

He silently thanks that she picked her phone last night and when he feels her warm hand tightly holding his he smiles-maybe she wasn’t just a wealthy spoiled brat. 

Bellamy tries to remember why they started hating each other and bickering in the first place, but he can’t. He vaguely recalls how about five years ago she first came by their flat with his sister. Back then he and Octavia were still living together and he was glad that O was finding new friends, until he decided that he just disliked the way Clarke acted around him. Or maybe he was being rude to her too? 

“Hey there” she startles him and he looks up to find her smiling at him. That was something new ”How do you feel?” she raised from the armchair and he tried to move up the pillows they’ve put behind him even despite her asking him to stay still

“I’m fine” he mutters and succeeds in sitting up

“Do you hurt? I can give you more painkillers if-”she suggests and he notices the worry in her voice. He hated himself for making other people fuss over him.He had this, he could deal with all of it on his own.

“I am fine, it doesn’t hurt now at all” he promises her with a light smile as he tosses the blanket off and moves his feet to the floor. Ares who Clarke found in his bedroom, hiding under the bed and munching on one of bellamy’s sneakers, rose up and came by his master, licking his hand, demanding attention ”Hey, troublemaker” Bellamy says gently and rubs his ears ”Sorry I didn’t feed you last night.” he apologizes as he keeps patting him

“I gave him food” Clarke says with a smile as she leans down and pats Ares too, only to get a loud happy bark from him which makes both of them chuckle.

“Thanks for everything, Princess” Bellamy says gently as he looks at her and lets Ares move up on the couch and lean his head on his lap ”I am sorry I kept you up here so long. You must be tired, you should go back to your place, I swear that I’m fine.”

“You’re not fine, Bellamy” she disagrees and he almost wants to smile, because of course she would pull up a fight ”And I am not going to leave you alone today after what happened last night” she states and there’s something warm in his eyes which makes him wonder if Murphy and her ever got to talk about him ”It’s my day off anyway so-”

“No!” he raises his voice ”Look, I appreciate that you came, but this isn’t anything new to me, I’ve been like this before and I was fine after it. I don’t want you wasting time over me.”

“I know that you’re desperately trying to get rid of me but I promised your sister that I’ll keep an eye on you and I’ll do it even if it’s the last thing you want.” she was pulling up the best friend card and he sighed, annoyed, not because he didn’t want her here, but because he didn’t need help.

“Did you tell her?” he asks next

“No” she shakes her head and he is relieved ”But she’s been calling your phone all morning and I think you should talk to her.”

“She doesn’t need to know this” he goes back to being a stubborn dick and Clarke is starting to get annoyed.

“You mean that your own sister shouldn’t know that you fell and couldn’t get up” she starts and he opens his mouth to protest but she beats him to it ”Or that you can’t sleep because you have PTSD?” that leaves him staring at her in awe until he looks away and grunts annoyed

“Griffin, I don’t know what’s gotten into your pretty blond head, but I am not going to hurt my sister because what’s going on is not her fault” he says silently ”This is all me, I am suffering for my mistakes and I deserve it and if you tell her you know well enough that she won’t ever stop worrying when she has way more imporant things to focus on than me.”

“Then who’s going to take care of you?” she raises her voice this time, because she has noticed all the pain in his voice and she hates him for being so stubborn ”Murphy who can’t even see you good? Or you’ll call Monty again when he’s not high and ask him to give you a hand?”

“I can take care of myself!” he responds back angrily and he immediately regrets snapping at her ’Look, I really don’t want to fight you.” he says it with a very tired voice and she sighs, temporary agreeing not to scold him ”I just…can’t” I have no strenght, he meant, I can’t do it. It’s too much for me. 

And she could see it. She could read in his eyes how fucked up things were for him right now, so she swallowed down all the things she wanted to tell him and decided that he doesn’t need this today. Not after the horrible night he’s had. 

“Okay” she agrees and he looks at her surprised. He had expected her to keep up, he could already feel the headache ”Then what do you want to do?” he raises his eyebrow ”I am serious, I am not going to leave you, so you better come up with something you want to do.” he sighs, deciding to just agree with her, because why the hell not. He’s been lonely for far too long and he had to push Octavia all the time, keep her in the dark for the things he couldn’t let her know.

“I want to take a walk” he announces and looks up, hoping she won’t pull a fight on this one. When Ares hears the word “walk” he jumps up from Bellamy’s lap and barks looking up expectantly at Clarke and she wants to protest she really does. He’s just had an awful night and he has to rest, but there’s light the corner of his deep blue sad eyes, one she hadn’t seen in ages, and she just gives in. Smiling and nodding, warning him that they should be careful and swear to tell her when he feels in pain.

Out of the three of them, Ares is the happiest. It’s been some time since he’s been taken out. Usually Bellamy asked Monty or Octavia to do it, he even trusted Murphy with him, but he liked best when it was the two of them, old fellas. It was a good thing that there was this big park about ten minutes from their place. They took it slowly and when they reached it, they let Ares go. Clarke finally noticed Bellamy’s face gain some of its color back and she let herself relax a little. He’s been living like a prisoner of his own body and being trapped on the couch was killing him. She remembers him as a guy who just couldn’t stop, sit down and do nothing she could not imagine how he was dealing with all of it now. 

At some point she gets so buried in playing with Ares that she doesn’t notice that Bellamy has disappeared and she starts looking frantically for him until she spots him near the ice cream truck, trying to manage holding three cones and keep himself straight with the crutches. She rushes by his side and he hands her one of them.

“Chocalate chip, right?” he asks and she smiles brightly, making his heart clench

“How did you even know?” she doesn’t bother to hide her surprise and they both ignore Ares who’s currently jumping on his feet and trying to reach Bellamy’s other hand, desperate to get to the ice cream

“You forget that O always makes me buy the ice cream for your movie nights whenever I am home” he responds with a light chuckle ”And I never risk angering my sister by bringing the wrong flavor. She would kill me.”

“That she might” Clarke responds with a smile and nods to the nearest bench, suggesting that they sit. She notices he’s starting to struggle and that the pain is probably back, but he would never admit that ”Come on, Ares might actually eat your hand if you don’t give him that thing soon.”

“Here you go, you impatient boy” he says and finally stops teasing him. Ares is done with it in matter of seconds and then tiredly lays in his master’s feet, content and in peace, someting Bellamy will never have again.

“He’s such a troublemaker” Clarke notes ”Just like his master”

“He’s the best dog ever” Bellamy says instead as he rubs Ares behind his ears ”I’ve always wondered what would happen to him if I never come back. Octavia is not a dog person and I wondered if I should leave him in a shelter the last time before we left, but I just didn’t have the heart to do it.”

“I’m sure he’s glad to have you back” she says gently as she finishes off her ice cream. 

He almost chuckles when he sees her trying to wipe the chocolate off her nose. For a moment there,he realizes for the second time today that she’s just so beautiful, he can keep watching her and never get tired of it. But then he also figures out something else-she’s bright and full of light. She’s whole. And he is broken and so damn tired. He has no will to fight for anything anymore, the war tired him, it didn’t just ruin him, it was a hurricane and a blizzard, a vicous spring wind, and a strong snow that went right through him and left him hopeless and shallow. 

Yet whenever he was around her lately, he found himself smiling. He has forgotten what that was like and the first time he laughed in her presense, he was surprised by the sound of his own voice-it’s like he wasn’t himself. But then he looked up and in her eyes he saw his reflection and he knew it was real.

“I don’t deserve him anymore” he states looking back at the Lab snuggling up in his feet and she gives him a confused look ”I can’t walk him, I am not taking good care of him” he shakes his head as if talking only to himself ”Maybe I should look for someone else who would take him.”

“Bellamy” she wants to reach out to him and waits patiently before he looks up. 

She can see how broken he is, that this is not just about Ares, it’s about everything in life that he had to forget about because he is not himself anymore and it was not just because he was physically hurt

”Indra will figure out a way to help you” she says with a light smile and he looks somewhere behind her again, because he can’t allow himself to watch her if he wants to remember how to breathe ”You’ll see, just have to be patient” she says and she sounds so genuine, so kind, that he wants to believe her, but he knows well enough that his legs are not the only thing that’s wrong with him.

He doesn’t respond, he just leans back on the bench and stares somewhere before him.

“What did Murphy tell you last night, Clarke?” he asks, because he knows well enough by now, he can see the change in her behavior, the pity in her eyes and even though he wants to, he can’t hate her for it. She remains strangely silent next to him

“Why do you think he told me anything?” she tries to avoid it and he appreciates it, but he doesn’t like secrets and he doesn’t need protection

“I can see it in your eyes” he says and turns to her ”You hate me, Griffin, you really do and now all of a sudden you’re trying what? To give me hope? There is no need for that.” the last sentence is barely audible but she hears it and she can’t believe he’s saying all that right now, but then again, she can’t blame him. She would be suspicious too if she was in his shoes ”Was it about Miller?” he asks next when she doesn’t respond for a while

“He didn’t go into details, but yes” she confirms, looking away, feeling like she shouldn’t have done this, that she should’ve just asked him, because she can tell what he’s thinking ”You are wrong, though” he lifts his head up ”I am not here because I feel sorry for you or because I want to make up for all the times we’ve fought. Actually, I still think you’re kind of an ass” she admits and he huffs, but he’s no longer that tense, he’s listening to her carefully ”But there is this other side of you that you just don’t show anyone except for Octavia” he abruptly turns to her, surprised to hear her say that 

”I think”she takes a deep breath” I think you can be good and kind, you are compassionate, you are also a hero even though you won’t admit it, yet you just decide to bury all that and it’s a shame”

He is staring in her eyes for a moment until it gets too much for him to handle, because what he sees there is the determination of a person who’s not afraid to call him out on his bullshit. And that frankly scares the shit out of him. So instead he changes the subject into something more painful. That’s what he did after all, didn’t he? He ran away from those who want to help him and burnt every hope inside him with pain. That’s why he joined the army after all-he couldn’t deal with the accident and his mother’s death. He pushed Octavia away and sighned up a contract, because he knew that if he stayed, he would ruin her life and he didn’t want that. He doesn’t want it now either.

“You know whatever Murphy told you” he begin staring at a bunch of kids playing with their parents and a dog just opposite of them ”It’s not the whole story.” he tries very hard not to show her that he’s breaking apart, but she asks anyway

“What do you mean?” he just smiles and looks away when he feels her hand on his wrist “Bellamy, what do you-” she’s interrupted by her phone and thankfully she decides to focus on that and not push the subject anymore.

“Who is it, princess?” he decides to change the subject ”Your secret admirer?”

“More like my girlfriend” she replies while she types back a message. 

She has completely forgotten that her and Lexa were supposed to have dinner tonight, with everything that went wrong with Bellamy, she just didn’t even stop to think about that. She was trying to ignore the little voice in her head telling her that if it was important she wouldn’t have forgotten, because she definitely loves her girlfriend and has no intentions of losing her.

“Right” Bellamy says, his voice serious ”Alex was it?”

“Lexa” she corrects him pretending to be annoyed, though she really isn’t ”I have a date with her tonight and I have to get home soon and get ready” she looks up from her phone and he nods, but the look in his eyes is what shatters her-he doesn’t seem even slightly bothered by the fact that he’ll be left alone again 

”We should get you home” she says and he doesn’t protest, he gets up and follows her slowly, Ares walking by his side and stopping whenever Bellamy did, which made Clarke’s heart swell. 

They were silent on their way home and she had to prevent herself from helping him, knowing that he’ll just reject it. It took them twice as much time to get back as it was to go to the park-he was getting more and more tired with every step but he would never admit it, not to her, not even to himself. By the time they reach his flat, he’s drowning in sweat and even Ares knows something’s up because when Bellamy finally collapses on the couch, he jumps right up next to him like before.

Just when she’s about to ask him if he’s fine after he had tried to hide away a pretty loud painful grunt by turning the TV on, the doorbell rings and he looks up at her a little bit surprised.

“Can you get that?” he asks her and she nods ”It’s probably Murphy” he adds, but she has no idea why Murphy wouldn’t just get in like he usually does and ring and her suspicions turn out to be correct-it’s not Bellamy’s best friend at the door. 

“Hello, Miss” a man in his mid forties, dressed in a perfectly ironed parade uniform, cap under his left arm, he seemed like someone important or so she supposed from the stripes on his sleeves and she took a step forward almost unconsciously, figuring out that whoever he is, it’s not good for Bellamy

”I’m looking for Lieutenant Bellamy Blake?” his voice seems gentle but Clarke figures out that she doesn’t want to let him in at all. She wasn’t stupid, she might not understand all their military stuff but a guy looking like this, in his uniform and two other soldiers in the back of the hallway clearly there because of him, was not good ”This is the correct adress, right?” he adds when she doesn’t speak up right away

“Clarke, who is it?” Bellamy’s hoarse voice echoes and she turns around to see him back on his crutches, trying to get to her, yet failing miserably. Clarke moves away from the door and lets the man step in. She’s surprised by how tense Bellamy gets all of a sudden. He obviously recognizes him because he immediately salutes him

“Captain Kane” he says and the man salutes back

“At ease, Lieutenant” Kane smiles back and looks at Bellamy, obviously realizing how screwed up he looks and for a moment there Clarke watches the pity that Bellamy talked about before, flash in his eyes. She caught a glimpse of what he might be feeling just now ”I’m here on unofficial buisness, I hope I am not interrupting you” he smiles and looks back at Clarke

“Clarke is my nurse” his words surprise her but when she meets his eyes, she realizes that he’s trying to tell her not to leave him yet. 

For some reason, he’s very nervous to find this man at his door and he doesn’t want to be alone. So she just smiles and looks back at the captain, trying to play along so he doesn’t suspect they’re lying

”She helps me around”Bellamy adds and the camptain nods

“I am glad. Can I have a minute with you in private?” he seems very straightforward and obviously doesn’t want to waste any time. Bellamy nods, but Clarke notices how he clenches his jaw and swallows hard. Whatever was going on here, it wasn’t good

“I’ll just go finish off the laundry” Clarke says as she grabs a few clothes from the floor and heads for Bellamy’s bedroom, which she does on purpose because it’s the closest place to the small living room and she wants him to know that she’s here in case he needs it.

She hides away and closes the door, then makes some noise just to delude them that she’s busy before she drops all clothes she’s holding and cuddles down on the floor, her ear pressed to the door, she can hear them perfectly.

“I am sorry that you’re struggling now” Kane begins and he sounds sincere for the first time since Clarke saw him get in ”I hope you make a full recovery” Clarke is pretty sure that if the circumstances are any different Bellamy would’ve grunted and answered with something snarky, but this time he doesn’t. A full recovery? For him, that was impossible and anyone who could see would be able to tell that-he was barely standing on his feet as it was and that was considered a miracle.

“Thank you, sir” he mumbles barely audible ”What can I do for you?” she is surprised by how confused and nervous he seems. She’s used to Bellamy not taking anyone’s shit, but obviously this man was someone important and definitely above him in the rank system.

“I trust that you and Corporal Murphy have received the invitations for the award ceremony next week” she can’t see them so she assumes Bellamy has nodded because Kane continues ”My secretary tells me you called back and said you are not attending.”

“That’s right, sir.” Bellamy’s voice is pretty harsh now, he doesn’t sound scared anymore but he is tense, that much she can tell without even looking at him

There’s a moment of silence before Kane speaks up again.

“And may I ask why is that?”

“Murphy and I don’t believe that we deserve to be awarded.” Bellamy puts it as simple as it is and Clarke finally figures out that this envelope on the coffee table that she’d caught Murphy staring at last night, was the said invitation and that probably all this had something to do with Bellamy’s nightmares.

“Son” Kane speaks up again, his voice even more serious if that’s somehow possible ”You and Murphy were the only ones who survived from your team, you’ve also saved countless of lives on your other missions before, including mine. You are heroes and trust me you definitely deserve it.”

“May I speak freely, sir?” Bellamy asks next, he sounds quite pissed off now

“Of course, I told you this meeting is unofficial.” Kane reassures him that he won’t get in any trouble

“I think that you and I both know that they’re not giving us these medals because we are heroes in your eyes” Clarke furrows her eyebrows, trying to figure out what he means ”You’re doing all this to reassure yourself that we’ll keep our mouths shut about an operation that went extremely wrong and ended up killing too many people.”

“I understand that both you and Murphy are struggling with the lost of your team” he begins his voice is dangerously low now ”You’ve been together for a long time and you managed to survive until that last mission, but you need to understand that this is not a matter of free choice, soldier” he emphasizes on the last word. He’s not using Bellamy’s rank on purpose, trying to imply how small and insignificant he is in all this ”This is an order.”

“And if we still refuse to come, sir?” Bellamy is good at hiding his fears away, because his voice is steady and loud. Kane sighs and Clarke keeps her breath stuck in her throat, she’s never actually been that worried about Bellamy until now. For a moment she wants to wonder why is that, but since there are more important stuff going on she completely ignores her feelings.

“Do you remember Finn Collins, Bellamy?” he asks him and for a few minutes complete silence settles over the room. Whatever this is about, whoever this Collins was, Kane was using it against Bellamy ”All those innocent lives that he took, all the people from that village looking for revenge after that?”

“Finn Collins was not my fault and you know it” Bellamy’s voice is a bit shaky now ”He should’ve never been cleared for duty after he went crazy and you should’ve never send him back to my team.”

“But we did and you were supposed to make decisions” Kane is attacking him now ”And even despite all the believe I had in you, you took the wrong ones.”

“I might’ve been the one in charge but I was not found guilty and you know that. You were there when they were questioning me” Bellamy raises his voice angrily now.

“But you gave him the gun, right?” Clarke wants to get out and throw this Kane guy off the door right this instant ”You could’ve left him unarmed, but you decided against it.”

They remain silent again and then she hears Kane get up, obviously ready to go.

“I expect to see you and Mr. Murphy next week at the ceremony” he says once again ”Glad to know that you’re doing fine, Lieutenant” he adds fakely and she hears Bellamy trying to struggle with the crutches probably to salute him, because even though he was an ass, this was the army and certain rules had to be followed

”No need for that, just get some rest” he adds and she waits for a minute until the captain is gone and then she bursts out the door and into the living room only to find him burying his head in his hands. She stops right where she is afraid to approach him.

“How much did you hear?” he asks next and she swallows. She has never seen him so damn broken, not even when he has fallen and couldn’t get up. He looks up and she sees the tears in his eyes.

Bellamy Blake was crying.

“All of it” she responds and takes a step forward, wanting to just get to him and maybe sit down, hug him and try to talk to him, but he shakes his head and sighs.

“There’s a bottle of Jack in the cupboard above the sink” he states, his voice strangely emotionless. He was trying to get himself together for her, but she could see his hands were shaking ”Can you bring it please?” he asks

“I’m not sure that you should-”

“I just need a glass, I won’t get drunk, promise” he states and she can’t say no to this so she just brings him the bottle and the glass and watches him drink up without any hesitation ”You should go to your girlfriend, Clarke” he announces next and leans back on the couch closing his eyes for a moment

“I can’t leave” she states simply, because she means it. She can’t go anywhere right now, he’s a wreck, she has no idea what stupid thing he’ll decide to do.

“I’ll be fine” he tries to reassure her with a fake smile ”I think I just need some time to think and then I’ll probably sleep, I am tired.”

“Bellamy, you don’t have to pretend like this is alright. You don’t have to pretend with me.”

“I am not” he promises and he does seem sincere ”I really can’t let it all sink in now, I need some time by myself.Go to your girlfriend, have some fun for the both of us and we’ll talk tomorrow, alright?” he suggests and she sighs, just as he phone starts vibrating. She sees Lexa’s name, but she doesn’t answer. Instead she looks back at him and he promises one last time that he’s fine. She doesn’t believe him.

But she leaves, because she knows that indeed he could use some time on his own. She doesn’t say anything when Octavia calls to check in on her and asks about her brother. She knows that it’s not her place to say anything, if Bellamy felt that he should, he would do it. 

During her dinner with Lexa, though she couldn’t stop thinking about Bellamy. She was just so confused and shaken after the past few weeks after she figured out that maybe she doesn’t know him at all and was just now starting to see the man behind all those layers behind which he hid so stubbornly.

She couldn’t stop thinking about today and how awful it must be for both Bellamy and Murphy to be blackmailed like that. She didn’t know all the facts, she had no idea what the story behind this boy Finn was, but she was certain of one thing-Bellamy was a hero, even if he didn’t believe it. He had saved lives, he had risked his own for others and she was pretty sure that if he could go back in time and switch his life for Miller’s he would, which only broke her heart.

She couldn’t sleep, not like this, it was torture. So after she was sure that Lexa’s out, she silently slipped off the bed, dressed herself and left. She was surprised by her own behavior-how come she’s losing sleep because she’s worried about the person she despises? Or…well used to despise?

When she reached their apartment building, she rushed up the stairs to his place and took the key that Octavia had given her to use in case of emergency. 

She slowly opened the door and carefully slided in the living room only to find him, sleeping on the couch, the bottle of Jack empty on the floor, the TV on, as usually. 

He was trashed and she knew that she shouldn’t have left him alone, she knew she would regret it and she sure as hell did. For the first time in forever, she didn’t feel like yelling at him for getting drunk-she couldn’t blame him, not after the last two horrible days. So instead she slowly approached him, took the blanket from the armchair and covered him with it. 

He didn’t even flinch and she thought about the horrible headache that would be added to the list of pains he’ll experience tomorrow. She smiled as she realized how beautiful he is, despite being so tortured, his hair that has grown a little ever since he has come home, was messy but in a good sweet way, his shirt was too big for him and his dog tags were hanging from his neck reminding him of the man he is now and the burden he has to carry. His hands covered in scars, rough, but very strong. 

She leaned down and took away the list he was squeezing until she realized that it was actually a photo. She picked it up and when she turned it around her heart almost stopped, her eyes filled with tears and she bit her lip-there they were, all of them-Bellamy, Murphy, Miller, Bryan and a guy that she hasn’t met who must’ve been Atom-all of them smiling in their uniforms, holding their rifles, leaning on a big brown rover. 

Miller’s hand was thrown over Bellamy’s back and Murphy was eyeing them with his usual grumpy eyes, which made him look ridiculous. In that moment, for her they all seemed so young, so innocent and she was surprised when she turned out to be right-on the opposite side of the picture someone’s unsteady handwriting was saying Team Arkadia, First tour.

She swallowed hard and smiled, before she put the picture back in his hand and carefully placed it on his stomach, before she took her usual place in the armchair-there was no chance in hell, she was leaving him again.


	4. The Girls

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading! Hope you enjoy this one as well, it's a bit longer!

“Here I am!” Clarke announces her presence as she bursts through the door of Bellamy’s flat and stops abruptly at the scene before her eyes. 

Both Murphy and Bellamy are sitting on wooden chairs in the middle of the living room, half naked with Octavia and a girl who must’ve been Emori, Murphy’s nurse, shaving their heads. 

They were getting ready for the ceremony tonight and the boys had to be brought back to their decent looks and Clarke has been called in to back up everyone with coffee since obviously there was none in Bellamy’s place. She was surprised to see Murphy here, though, but she didn’t mind it. She knew how much they needed each other today. 

When Octavia found out that her brother would be awarded, she was so happy, she hugged him and said she’s so proud of him. All week she’s been beaming and every other word was “brother” and “hero” and only Clarke and Murphy knew how much strength it cost Bellamy not to say anything. For him this was so painful, but he didn’t have the heart to tell his sister that he doesn’t consider himself to be a hero and that they are only giving them those things, because they need to shut them up. He only wanted Octavia to be happy so he gave her fake smiles whenever she was laughing and he tried to act decently, to keep himself steady on his two feet, even though Clarke was well-aware of the fact that he was falling apart. 

“Finally, those are being pain in our asses, I could use some coffee!” Octavia announces as she moves her attention from Bellamy to her best friend

“Nice to see you too, Octavia” Clarke smiles as she passes her the coffee ”Boys, how are you doing today?” she jokes as she turns to Bellamy and Murphy who just grunt in responce and Bellamy lifts his eyes, begging

“Princess, help!” he mouths and she chuckles. He looks quite good today, he has shaved and even though she preferred his hair long, she couldn’t lie to herself-he was charming even without it. Murphy seemed way too clean without the usual dark strands falling on his forehead and she almost couldn’t recognize him.

“Clarke, this is Emori, Murphy’s nurse” Octavia introduces them

“Man, you’re out of luck, aren’t you?” Clarke jokes as she passes her the coffee ”I would prefer to take care of Bellamy than him.”

“Shut up, blondy” Murphy grunts as he looks up with his hazy eyes in her direction ”And you are taking care of him, in case you haven’t noticed.” that was true, Clarke has been stopping by a lot more often than she did before. 

Some days Bellamy didn’t want to talk to anyone and they would spent a few hours just sitting near each other watching the history channel. Other days when he was feeling better, he would ask her to go out with Ares, or play some board game or give him a hand with something and she wouldn’t mind, because he was always nice about it and she got to see him for the person he really was.

“I see you’ve had to deal with him already” Emori completely ignores Murphy and Bellamy jabs him in the ribs playfully. They are really acting like five-year olds on most occasions but Clarke wasn’t really annoyed by it anymore, she is glad to see Bellamy smile, because she knows it’s a rare thing.

“Will you guys stop moving around and just lean down!”Octavia cuts her brother off while holding the electric razor in one hand and pushing his head down with the other. Both Bellamy and Murphy huff as if annoyed but follow the girl’s orders.” We’ll be late” she adds glancing up at the clock

“Who gives a fuck, I’ve been late my whole life” Murphy responds as Clarke keeps taking out stuff from the brown bag she’s caring. 

Only now when she manages to get a better look at them because they’re not moving so much, does she notice that they have identical tattoos on their left sides. She’s seen it before when she made Bellamy take a shower on those first occasions of her lecturing him but she’s never managed to see what it said. 

Now she does and she sees four words making her throat go dry-May we meet again. They are absolutely identical on both Murphy and Bellamy’s sides except Murphy seems somehow smaller and so they get lost in between his sticking ribs. Thanks to Clarke, who was making sure Bellamy always had at least dinner, he has stopped losing weight. She was afraid that if he does, he won’t be able to stand up at all. It was a fight that she had with him every day, especially when O was having night shifts and she had to take care of that if she wasn’t at work herself. He just refused to eat, always said he’s not hungry and even when she made him do it, he couldn’t finish off the plate. Said he had no appetite or that he’s used to not eating too much since food wasn’t always abundant in the army. She didn’t believe him. 

“Tell me about it” Bellamy grunts and they are about to get on with their childish behavior if it wasn’t for Octavia and Emori to stop them

“Cut it off, for real, you gotta get dressed” Emori warns and she and Octavia bring their freshly ironed and clean parade uniforms laying them on the couch. Clarke notices how proud Octavia seems and her heart breaks in two for Bellamy who just can’t ruin his sister’s joy. For her he would do anything, even suffer in silence and never tell her the truth of what this award bullshittery really means.

Octavia’s phone rings and she sighs tiredly, when she shows Clarke that it’s Monty once again. Clarke chuckles and watches her go to the kitchen, but she can hear her scolding her friends over the phone before she turns her attention back to Bellamy and Murphy who are just so damn broken, they don’t have it in them to joke today.

“John, where are your glasses?” Emori asks as she goes through a duffel bag on the floor which must be holding Murphy’s belongings

“I told you, I am not putting them on”he responds tiredly as he leans back on the chair. Bellamy gives him an angry look.

“If you’re not wearing your glasses, I am not using my crutches!” Bellamy protests and Clarke feels it’s time to intervene

“Only over my dead body, Blake”she cuts him off and he looks at her ready to fight ”How else do you think you’ll get on that stage?”

“Murphy will walk me” Bellamy responds like it’s the most obvious thing before Emori laughs and stands before the two man, crossing her hands angrily

“Murphy can’t see what’s under his nose without the glasses and you expect him to walk you!”

“Fine, then I’ll walk myself!” Bellamy grunts annoyed but Clarke knows that this is not just about being stubborn. 

“Okay, Bellamy let’s go to your room and get you dressed what do you say?” she suggests next and he looks at her surprised by the soft tone of her voice. 

He shrugs and she grabs his uniform from the couch, while waiting for him to get himself up and then they slowly get to his bedroom. 

Emori and John pretend not to notice that there’s something going on and instead the nurse keeps scolding him while Octavia is still yelling at Monty on the phone explaining something loudly. Just when Bellamy and Clarke get to his room, she appears and asks her best friend to take care of her brother because she had to run a quick errand. Bellamy finally sighs relieved after she’s gone and let’s the sadness settle on his face.

“Bellamy, you know that you can’t walk all the way up, there are probably gonna be stairs” she says trying to make him understand but when he looks up he’s mad

“You think I don’t know that?” his voice is low and scary ”You think I don’t realize how fucking helpless I am? Is that what you want to hear me say? That I can’t even get to my own bed! Yes I know that, Griffin! I realize it and I don’t fucking need all of you to remind me every day of the fact that I am not even half the man I was before!”

“Bellamy!” she raises her voice trying to make him understand that this is not what she meant ”I didn’t-”

“Oh, I know that wasn’t what you wanted to say, Princess, but newsflash-it still hurts!”

“Don’t you take your anger out on me just because you can’t tell your sister the truth!”she gets mad at him right now as well, she could see how hurt he was but that didn’t mean he got to be angry at her right now for pointing out the obvious ”And if you’ve spent all that anger into getting better instead of bottling it up inside, you might’ve actually been able to walk yourself up to that damn stage, but your stupid stubbornness and your inability to stop acting like a five year old and get over yourself are what’s actually stopping you!”

“Nothing is stopping me!” he yells back at her ”I can do this!”

“Sure you can, and then you can come home and drown in pain, because I think that at the end of the day that’s what you want to do, you want to hurt because you think you deserve it!” she let’s it slip and for a moment she regrets it because she sees his jaw hang up and the surprised look on his face. 

She could see right through him, she wasn’t stupid. She has spent the last few weeks observing his every little move and she has concluded that he was in many ways a masochist save aside the part where he is stubborn enough to accept any help 

”And you and I both know that’s no way to live” she adds and he swallows hard, looking away from her

“I am fine” he responds after a while, his words cold, but man his voice is shaking just as his hands are

She kneels down and puts her hands on his knees, looking up in his beautiful brown eyes.

“You’re not and you don’t have to be. Sometimes it’s fine to fall apart a little and also let others help you.”

“I am not good with that” he admits

“No shit” she grants him a weak smile ”But you should start working on it. You’re not bothering anyone by asking for help, Bellamy. Actually you’re giving them a hell of a lot more headache when you’re trying to do things yourself.”

“That does make sense” he says after a few minutes of her kneeling there, her hands still on his legs and he finally looks up to meet her blue ocean of both kindness and worry. 

Did she actually care about him that much? True they’ve gotten close since that night he called her and ask her to help him get up, but she had a life unlike him. She was an intern striving to become a great doctor, she had a girlfriend and a pretty hectic schedule. Bellamy didn’t see himself fit in all of that, yet she was here.

“Listen, if you don’t want to use the crutches, I can help you get up there. We’ll tell them I’m your nurse and once you’re on stage, I’ll hide behind the curtains and wait for it until it’s over. Then I’ll help you down again” she suggests and he looks at her too long trying to figure out what to do ”Come on, take a leap of faith here. I am not going to embarrass you.” 

“Okay” he finally agrees and she smiles back at him

“Good” she stands up and grabs his uniform ”Now let’s get you ready before your sister storms in here and kills us both.”

“I can do it my-”

“Uh-uh, mister, try again” she scolds him reminding him of what they just talked about and he sighs, agreeing with a light nod and letting her help him stand up and put a white t-shirt on first before they get to the button up 

”Why do you and Murphy have the same tattoos?” she asks next in a desperate attempt to distract herself from his gorgeous body. He swallows hard when she touches him in a final attempt to fix his collar and it makes him shiver. God, she’s so beautiful, especially when she looks up at him with her bright blue eyes.

“This is something like a motto of our team” he explains ”I said it on one of our first missions and the others just kept repeating it every time we had to go to some dangerous place. After our first tour, when we came home, we went to a tattoo place and decided to do it.” he squeezes his eyes for a moment at the thought of it ”Miller had one too, so did Bryan and Atom.”

“I know today is hard for you” she states as she helps him put his jacket on ”But it will be gone before you know it.”

“It’s not hard for me as it’s for Murphy” he responds, brushing away the reassurance she tried to give him. He knows far too well it won’t pass by fast. It will be hell and every minute he’ll have to be there will be another reminder of his dead friends and his inability to go back there and save them ”He keeps saying that I saved lives that day while he was just a dead weight in my hands. He hates himself for getting shot.”

“That’s ridiculous” she looks up and meets his dark brown eyes. They got a different shade whenever he was trying to keep himself from falling apart, but it wasn’t determination that she saw there. It was fear of what would happen if he lets himself break into a million pieces.

“For you maybe, princess” he shrugs lightly and tries not to focus too much on the fact that her hands are all over the upper part of his body. The way she gently brushes the edges of his suit or how she was currently fixing his tie, was making it hard to push the thoughts of her aside, though ”I understand him, I would be feeling like that too.”

“But it wasn’t his fault” Clarke protests and he nods, agreeing silently with her ”Those things happen”

“Many things do, especially those that we don’t want to happen to us. When a friend of yours dies on the battlefield next to you, all you can think about is how much it hurts at first. Then after a while, you subconsciously believe that it didn’t happen to you and you go to your next mission feeling invincible, because that happens to others, but you are safe. You’ll be fine.” he’s talking too much because he feels like he can when he’s with her. He hasn’t said that much even to his own sister ”And then when your stupidity fades away and reality settles in then they shoot you too. You survive it. The next time you find yourself realizing that you don’t want to be shot so you can help those that get hurt.”

“Is that why you never gave up on trying to get Murphy to safety when you were shot?”

“No, I did that because I am not sure how I would’ve lived with myself if I’ve lost him too that day and not given my best to try and save him.” he explains and she nods in understanding, but his words linger on long after they drown in comfortable silence.

She helps him get dressed and swallows down all the questions she might’ve had for him, for she could see how hard it was for him to get himself together. By the time they make it back to the living room, Murphy is also ready, almostt bright and shiny in his uniform, the glasses on his face making him look a little bit nerdish for which Bellamy bugs him, but not too much as he knows that they are both struggling anyway.

On their way to the fancy hall where this damn ceremony was taking place, none of the boys talk, but the girls fill the truck with chatter instead, trying to balance out the uncomfortable heaviness of the air around them. 

Octavia and Emori are on the front seat and Bellamy Clarke and Murphy are in the back. Lincoln was working that night so he couldn’t come and Clarke wasn’t sure if Monty and Jasper even knew about any of this. 

Bellamy was reluctant to tell his sister and has come up with a plan in which he wouldn’t have to involve her, but Clarke had pushed him to tell her, reminding him that if she finds out later that he didn’t say anything, she wouldn’t forgive him. Plus she knew better than anyone that Bellamy needed his sister, no matter how hard he was trying to push her away.

When they enter they find themselves in a sea of parade uniforms. Bellamy let’s Clarke support him while Octavia finds their seats and Emori is right next to them, guiding Murphy in. Soldiers come and go around them, some of them seemed too young for Clarke to even comprehend how they could’ve been to war, others look old and tired with a certain indifference to anything in the world in their eyes. Then there are those like Bellamy and Murphy, who were barely hanging on a thread and obviously the last place they wanted to be was here. 

Some soldiers recognize Bellamy and Murphy and they either salute them or pass by to say a quick hello. Clarke notices that Bellamy always leans down close before anyone approaches them and tells Murphy who’s coming so he wouldn’t feel uncomfortable for not recognizing them from a long distance. He might’ve had his glasses on but he was still in many ways fucked up. 

Finally they settle near the very front where all the soldiers who are supposed to be awarded are placed. 

“Not to be a pain in your ass, brother, but how exactly do you plan on getting on there?” Octavia asks as they sit at the end of a long row, so they could get up easily when they got called.

“Clarke will guide me” Bellamy explains without looking at his sister and instead focuses on the stage. He’s very tense and Clarke can see that he grips the chair handles so he could stop his hands from shaking, but he just can’t.

“Are you sure that-” Octavia starts again but he cuts her off

“Emori will get Murphy up and Clarke will get me” he reassures his sister once again and leans down to place a soft his on her forehead ”I’ll be fine, O.” he knew how proud Octavia was of him and hе would let her enjoy this moment even though he himself hated it too damn much.

A lot of time passes before it’s their turn to get there and this only makes the boys feel worse. Clarke wants nothing but to at least put her hand over Bellamy’s and try to comfort him but there are too many people here and Octavia is right next to her brother’s side so that would only make things too awkward. Instead she tries to focus on the commanders, captains, generals and all those big sticks that seem to be trying to compete who’ll give the longest speech. Murphy and Bellamy are huffing all the time whenever their superiors say something of importance and Clarke can’t help but smile. They even bet on how many times one of the generals will say the word “importance” and Murphy wins. She’s glad that they could distract themselves until the time comes and they start giving out awards to soldiers of lower ranks.

The whole row basically has to move up to the stage and Clarke lets Bellamy take his time before standing up and following everyone else. She knows that this isn’t that much about him hurting that it is about not wanting to be there.

“Hey” she grabs his shaky hand in hers as she supports him to the stage ”It’ll be fine.” she gives him a small smile and he returns it, but she can see how much this is ruining him.

“Let get this fucking shit over with” Murphy mumbles behind them and the girls lead them up and step back as they watch them form a straight line. Bellamy loses his balance for a brief moment when he finds himself without Clarke’s support but Murphy catches him before he can fall and nods in Clarke’s direction without really seeing exactly where she is. 

The ceremony turns out to be way much longer than any of the girls expect. First the captain who came to visit Bellamy-Kane, gave a very long speech and by the time they were actually awarded, their names announced by the captain himself, Bellamy was struggling to keep himself up and but he was too stubborn to ever let himself ever lose his balance. Clarke noticed him clenching his jaw in a desperate attempt not to screw this over, but she couldn’t imagine how hard it must’ve been for him to stay forty minutes straight with the pain he was in. 

He still found it in him to smile at his sister when they were awarding him and once everything was finally over, he turned around and looked around frantically searching for Clarke. She basically rushed by his side and grabbed his elbow, steadying him and smiling just to assure him that everything’s good. 

Since the whole thing is over, soldiers are moving up and down the hallway, all of them accepting congratulations or talking with friends, but thankfully nobody approaches Bellamy when they finally make it down there. 

“What do you say we sit for a bit, huh?” she suggests because she can hear his ragged breathing and surprisngly he doesn’t argue so she heads back to the chairs on the first row. 

Everyone are chatting loudly around them but Bellamy just squeezes his eyes for a moment and leans back. They’ve lost Murphy somewhere in the whole process and Octavia was nowhere to be seen so Clarke focused her attention on him

”Should I ask if you’re okay or are you going to lie to me anyway?”

“Probably gonna lie” he responds after a minute which he uses to get himself together and finally opens his eyes ”I’ll be good, just need a few minutes”he promises but she doesn’t trust him so she keeps his hand in hers and lets him squeeze it a bit harder when he feels pain.

“I know you don’t want to hear this, but still” she smiles ”I think you deserve this so congratulations” she nods at the shiny medal hanging on his side and he nods, his expression unreadable, but he appreciates it.

“Hey, Blake, there you are!” Murphy exclaims as he appears right in front of them ”Look who I found!” he says and nods to a few girls behind him which Bellamy obviously recognizes because his jaw drops a little

“Harper?” he asks as if he can’t believe it and a tall girl kciks Murphy aside and leans down to hug Bellamy ”Jesus Christ, I had no idea you’ll be here tonight!” he seems happy to see her and Clarke tries to ignore the pang of jealousy in her chest

“Still doubting us, huh, Blake?” another girl with brown hair stands next to Murphy and leans on his shoulder intending to annoy him

“Roma!” he smiles back again as he lets Harper go ”Where’s Monroe? You three never go anywhere alone!”

“Did I hear my name somewhere?” a third girl pops up behind Murphy, she’s shorter, and she looks too young to Clarke, but she still smiles at Bellamy. 

Whoever these girls were, they seemed to know the boys good, because they were quite comfortable in their presense

”Oh man, you got old” she comes by Bellamy’s side and hugs him as well, neither of them seem even slightly bothered by the fact that he’s injured which made Clarke conlcude that they probably knew already.

“I had no idea you were invited” Bellamy still seems surprised to see them but in a good way ”You don’t call anymore, huh, Harper?”

“We weren’t sure you are back in the States” Monroe answers for her ”Knowing you, you would try to get back on that battlefield even if you had to walk on your hands.”

“Man, they know you better than me” Murphy jokes as he throws his arms over Roma and Harper and looks at Bellamy ”Wanna get drunk, girls? I doubt you’ll be attending the official dinner party.”

“Are you kidding?” Harper looked at him offended ”I can’t stand those pretentious assholes. I don’t know how you two stood there and let them give this piece of shit to you.” she nodded at the medals hanging on Murphy and Bellamy’s chest and all of them surprisingly to Clarke laughed. She guessed they understood each other way better than she could ever get Bellamy ”The Sky bar is still our usual place to go.” she continued and looked between Murphy and Bellamy ”Wanna come?”

“Absolutely” Bellamy agreed with a genuine smile Clarke hasn’t gotten to see before. Then he finally turned his attention back to her ”You and Emori should come too. It will be fun.”

“Who’s Emori?” Monroe asked as she looked first at John then at Clarke ”And who are you?” obviously she was pretty straightforward, but not in a bad way. The girls seemed nice to Clarke, even if she had no idea who they were.

“Girls, this is Clarke” Bellamy explained ”she’s my sister’s friend and she’s been helping me out. Clarke these are Harper, Monroe and Roma-we’ve worked together with them on couple of missions.” he explains and Clarke shakes all of their hands politely while Bellamy explains ”Emori is Murphy’s nurse.”

“Oh God, you finally lived up to your dream to bang a nurse, didn’t you?” Roma spoke up for the first time in a while, she seemed like a quiet one but obviously even she was surprised by that revelation

“I’m not banging anyone!” Murphy responded offended and they all laughed

“He’s trying hard” Bellamy says for his friend and the girls all patt Murphy’s shoulders and keep mocking him until they decide that it’s enough and they should go.

“I’m not sure I should come” Clarke tries to excuse herself but Bellamy furrows his eyebrows ”What about Octavia?”

“She has to go back home to Lincoln, they are leaving early tomorrow for his parent’s house.” he explains but sees that Clarke is still hesitating ”Come on, I know the girls seem like they’re too much to handle, but it’s fun around them and we haven’t seen each other since the beginning of our last tour. You’ll like them.” Clarke finally nods and he smiles gratefully at her as she helps him stand up.

 

The Sky bar indeed turned out to be a place full mainly of soldiers who were on a leave or veterans like Bellamy and Murphy. She thought she’ll feel out of place there, but the girls were all nice and made sure she and Emori are always included in the conversation. Bellamy and Murphy seemed a little bit more cheerful now that the ceremony was over with and the girl’s team definitely helped with that. They talked about old stories and missions they’ve been to, bugging Murphy and Bellamy the entire time.

But despite all that, Clarke didn’t miss the fact that both men were still trying to drink themselves to oblivion. Bellamy was taking shot after shot and he surprisngly still seemed unaffected by it while Murphy was starting to talk too loud and bug the girls too much. Bellamy noticed it, so he and Emori picked him up and went to the bar while the girls were left at the round table by themselves. Roma and Monroe were asked to dance by two soldiers and that left Harper and Clarke alone on the table, drinking up the last of their shots.

“So” Harper began and smiled at Clarke ”How long have you and Blake been together?” Clarke almost choked on her tequila at those the words and her eyes widened at Harper

“Um, we’re…we’re not together”she said as she tried to stabalize her voice ”I am just helping him out.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, it’s just you looked like you’re a couple” Harper apologized but she didn’t seem disturbed by the fact that she had caused Clarke to blush like a tomato in the middle of a goddamn bar. It was too hot in here anyway ”But then again I should know better” she continued and Clarke eyed her curiously, waiting for her to continue, which she didn’t do

“What do you mean?” she had to ask

“I know Bellamy” she begins with a shrug and grabs another shot ”And under that false bravado I can see that he’s in a bad shape. It’s understandable, considing what his team had to go through” she took the shot and placed the glass back on the table with a thud ”But I can’t imagine him in a relationship now.” Clarke nods and thinks over her words for a moment before she speaks up next

“I want to help him but…he’s making it very hard” she admits, because she feels like Harper is a person she can talk to about Bellamy since Octavia was completely out of the question

“That’s who he is” Harper nods and pours the last of the tequila in the glasses ”He would never tell you something’s wrong, he doesn’t put his needs first. Never.” Clarke listens carefully. She knows it’s hard to talk to Bellamy so at least she could see what his friends thought of him and get to know him better ”During our first tour, we were assign to work with his team” she starts and Clarke can see her drifting away for a moment ”I was reluctant to work with men because you know they can be asses to us” Clarke nods and smiles back ”But Bellamy was not like that. He threated me equally even though he’s spent more time there than me. He took a bullet in the shoulder trying to protect me and the team that day” Clarke’s eyes widened ”It was a graze really, but he we didn’t even find out about it before we got back to our base and Miller got out of their rover with his hands bloody from trying to stich him up on the road. I couldn’t believe that a guy I’ve known for two hours was willing to save my life. He always looked out for everyone else.“

“He was brave.” Clarke comments and Harper laughs

“He is reckless. He acted like there’s nothing in the world that could harm him. I have no idea how many times he’s been hurt, but he never gave up. He signed for tour after tour and the last time we saw each other he said he’s applied for another.”

“But he has promised Octavia he will stop” Clarke furrows her eyebrows confused ”I don’t get it. He always lied to her about that.”

“You don’t understand” she says but not accusingly ”When you go to such a place, it changes you. It’s hard to just come back and continue your life. And for Bellamy who was always in charge of everything, who slept for three hours a night and took care of his team being trapped like he is now…I can’t imagine how hard this is for him.”

“So you’re saying that if he could, he would go back there?” Clarke looks at her confused and Harper smiles at her reaction

“I am saying that he’s a good soldier and despite everything that happened to him, he believed that he was doing this for the right reasons. He believed he was protecting his sister and everyone here by sacrificing himself out there. We all did. There’s no other way to survive otherwise.” Clarke nods and looks back at her still full glass ”You’re gonna drink that?”Harper asks and Clarke just slides it to her, watching her drink it up.

“Thanks “ Harper smiles and waves her hand, implying that it’s nothing

“Remember” she adds lastly ”Whatever pain you think you’re seeing, it’s probably a hundred times worse inside him and he’s just too good and too used to covering it.”

They change the subject and Harper wants to know more about Clarke, which is nice of her. Clarke is still thinking over everything that Harper told her about Bellamy, though and tries to respond as best as she can so that she wouldn’t offend Harper. She’s about to go to the bar and get more tequila when they hear some goddamn awful noise coming from the other side of the bar. 

“Ugh, I guess someone got into a fight already” Harper says unimpressed and Clarke hasn’t even realized that the girl has followed her. They are about to shrug it off and go back to their table, as far away from this braw as possible when they see Monroe rushing by their side.

“Harper!” she says trying to beat the music and people’s voices everywhere around them ”The boys are in trouble” she announces and that’s all they need to hear. 

Harper tries to tell Clarke to stay behind, but of course there is no such option for her. She watches as Monroe grabs Harper’s hand and leads her down the place, before taking a right turn where there is a whole other section. She sees people gathered in a semi-circle near one of the walls and loud voices coming from within and she runs after them.

“Bellamy!” Harper yells as she tries shoving the people away ”Hey hey hey!” she pulls one of the guys who’s blocking her way ”Move, asshole!”

Clarke follows her up and when they finally get to the center Clarke sees some guy dressed in the same uniform as Bellamy, pushing him up against a wall and punching him in the stomach. His face is already bloody and there is a bruise forming under his right eye, but that wasn’t what was wrong with the whole situation. It was something else, something completely fucked up and Clarke needs a minute to blink and make sure she’s not dreaming, because here this guy was, pushing him so hard against that wall, his strong arm on his neck and Bellamy was not fighting back.

He was smiling.

He was fucking smiling.

The next thing she realizes is that all the girls Harper, Monroe and Roma are there in a second, pushing this guy who’s three times bigger than Bellamy away. Somewhere in the midst of all this she notices Emori holding Murphy back, whose face was a mess on its own and who was desperately trying to get away from her. He was trying to get to Bellamy and help him.

And Clarke suddenly realized she was frozen while the girls were trying to get rid of the gorilla who was crushing her friend. She was doing nothing. She had to get there. 

And just when she does, the man finally let’s go of him and Bellamy slips down the wall to the floor letting an exasperated groan.

“Let him go you bastard, he’s hurt!” Clarke catches Monroe protesting as they pull the guy away. 

Soon the bartenders intervenes as well and try to disperse the crowd but Clarke isn’t paying any attention to that at all, she just rushes by his side and kneels down. He had squeezed his eyes and thanks God he was no longer smiling. Pain marked his every move and he clenched his fist before she could grab his hand and make sure he knows he’s not alone. It’s too loud around them, she hears the girls yelling somewhere behind her, she hears Murphy’s surprisingly sober voice too, but she focuses solely on him.

“Bellamy” she puts her hand on his shoulder and squeezes it tightly, willing him to open his eyes, which he refuses to do at first ”Bell?” he finally looks at her and it’s the most fucked up she’s ever seen him ”Are you okay? Where does it hurt?”

“I’m fine” he just cuts her off and tries to stand up but of course he fails and ends up back on the floor. It’s so noisy around them that she can’t make out the words but she hears the girls fighting with the bartender somewhere behind her

“Don’t!” she scolds him ”If you move again, I’ll kill you” she threatens him and cups his face with her small but steady hands and lifts his head up to the light so she could see the damage better. She traces the cuts on his face and he winces ”Dammit, I can’t see good in here” she curses and he grabs her wrist gently removing her hand from his face

“I’m fine, Princess, stop worrying.”

“Say it once more and I swear to God-” he chuckles lightly at her words and she wants to slap him for not being serious when he’s in this condition but she doesn’t have time to think over it because the girls come by her side and lean to their level

“Need help?” Harper asks and Clarke nods, not paying attention to Bellamy’s attempt to protest, which never seem to stop. They raise him up to his feet and stop for a minute not rushing him to move ”You good, Blake?” Monroe asks and he nods with his eyes again closed for a minute ”Come on, we’ll get you out and get a cab.”

“No!” his voice is hoarse but stern and he tries to free himself from their strong grip. They wouldn’t risk letting him fall again ”I can walk myself out. Where’s Murphy?”

“He’s with Emori. She’s trying to clean him up in the bathroom” Roma explains and he nods, but his chest is rising up and down too fast and his hands are trembling

“Good.” he says coldly once again ”I’ll see you around girls” he lifts his arms from Monroe and Harper’s backs and takes a wobbly step forward, but Clarke is fast enough to grab his hand and steady him. He jerks off the minute he feels her touch him and she tries to ignore how much it hurt

“I’ve got this” he snaps at her and she can see how angry he is. She knows why too-he feels like he has embarassed himself in front of everyone and he just can’t swallow down his own damn stupid pride which pisses her off this time, for real. 

He takes off surpisngly managing on his own and gets off the door before she can stand in his way. Finally when they are right outside and she hasn’t stopped calling his name. Once on the street, without the crowd inside the bar slowing her down, she gets to him and stops him.

“Go away, Princess” he roughly cutts her off and tries to pass her by but she is faster and blocks him again ”I said go away!” he raises his voice now and she tries very hard not to stare at his bruised face and the blood coming down from the cut on his cheek

“No” she shakes her head patiently. She won’t let him hurt himself anymore tonight and she’ll use whatever means necessary to stop him. He’s stubborn and of course he doesn’t give up, he tries again to go around her, but she grabs his arm and pushes him back ”I am taking you home.”

“Home?” he laughs sadly ”What home, Princess? That crappy dark apartment is not my home.”

“Bellamy” she tries to make him understand, but then she realizes that she doesn’t know what she wants him to understand. That he’s not alone? That he has his home and his sister? Judging by his current state that wasn’t enough. He was lost.

“No!” he pulls away from her careful not to hurt her and shakes his head violently. A few raindrops fall on Clarke’s forehead, but she can’t even bother with the fact that rain is coming their way ”You can’t get it! I don’t want to be here! I can’t be here!” he tries to explain his voice strained. He was starting to lose all ground underneath him and she realized that so she carefully approaches him and looks him in the eyes.

“But you can’t go back there either” she is rough, she realizes this, but he has to hear the truth ”And picking fights with random guys in the bar is not going to bring Miller back. You know it, Bell, you have to accept it.”

“Doing so means accepting he’s gone. It means forgetting him” he looks down at his feet, now he’s speaking slowly and she knows he’s getting tired ”And I can’t forget him. He was my best friend.”

“Bellamy-” she tries again. She will never stop trying. She’s suddenly too stubborn to let him break himself.

“No, don’t pull some of that bullshit out how he’s always going to be with me” it’s stunning how he can go from being desperate to being angry in a span of a minute ”He’s not! He’s just not here any more. He’s completely gone! He’ll never come home, he’ll never be with his boyfriend again, he’ll never have that house he always dreamt of having! It’s over.” they stare at one another for a while, the rain falling hard on both of them, the music from the bar still so loud behind them yet the feel like they were in there days ago, not just a few minutes ”And for that, I got a fucking medal tonight” he finishes off and shakes his head ”For not bringing him back.”

“Come on” she grabs his hand in hers when she’s sure he won’t try to get away again ”We’ll soak here” he gives in, let’s her lead the way to the end of the street where she waves for a cab and watches as the rain washes the blood from his face, revealing a cold dark bruises already forming there.”

They get in the cab but now he seems completely numb or so she thinks until he looks her in the eys when they go to her place and she’s trying to clean away his cuts. 

She wouldn’t let him stay in his apartment tonight even if she had to lock him inside hers. He didn’t protest, he just asked about Ares and she said she’ll go check on him, but first she took care of his face and when they were both changed in dry clothes, she send him to her bed with an ice back pressed to his ribs. When she comes back from his place after checking up on Ares, she finds him struggling to get up and she sighs.

“Aren’t you tired of pulling up fights with me today?” she rubs her forehead and he gives her a light smile

“I can’t stay here” he announces but she doesn’t care. She’s the stubborn one now because she comes by his side and pushes him back to the pillow

“Too bad, you are. I need to keep an eye on you in case you have forgotten you were dumb enough to start a fight and get your ass kicked so if you can’t get up tomorrow I prefer being there to witness it instead of having to hear from Murphy that I should help you.”

“Murphy did what now?” he asks but she ignores him as she goes through her cupboard and finally manages to grab a bottle of pills which she throws in his direction ”I’ll kill him!”

“You won’t. Take two of those, it will help you sleep.” she orders and he doesn’t dare provoke her now so he swallows them up with the water she left for him on the night stand

“What about you, where will you sleep?” he asks as he looks around and probably realizes just now that this was the only bed she had. She didn’t even own a couch, she had a nice comfy armchair and it was so for a reason. She hated Monty, Jasper and Octavia crawing up in her room and bugging her. This was her place to relax and mainly sleep after a long day at work and whenever they hanged out it was usually in O’s place. 

“Well unless there is some problem with you, I’ll sleep in my own damn bed” she sits on the right side of the king sized bed and kicks off her shoes ”It’s big enough.”

“Clarke, I don’t think that’s a good idea” she turns around and expects to see him being his annoying self but instead he seems somehow really embarassed and is he even…blushing?

“What now am I too princessy for you to sleep with? Can you not swallow your goddamn pride for one night and stop making a big deal out of sleeping in the same bed as your friend?”

“It’s not that” he sighs and avoids her look for a moment. She can’t seem to figure out why he is so nervous ”I-uh-you know how I wake up at night” he begins and she wants to slap herself for being so stupid. Of course! He was worried about scaring her ”I don’t want to-”

“It’s fine. You forget that I am a doctor. You can’t scare me” she assures him as she finally slides under the blanket and rests her head on her pillow. She turns around to look at him and he still seems too embarassed to face her. Strangely, she doesn’t feel awkward with him being here as she thought she would. She was just helping out a person who needed it, that’s why she was a doctor after all.

“Clarke” he says after a long pause and she catches the playful tone in his voice ”You called me your friend”

“Wipe that smirk off your face, Blake or you’re sleeping on the floor” he laughs for the first time tonight and closes his eyes as he takes off the package of ice and tosses it on the night stand before placing his hand down on his bruised ribs again.

“Why did you and that other guy fight?” she asks deciding the leave the whole smiling thing out of it even if it bothered her 

“Murphy wasn’t watching where he was going and he accidentally crashed in him” he responded with the calmest voice without looking at her. She kept his eyes on his though ”The guy was pretty drunk and he started pushing Murphy. I was right behind them…one thing let to another..” he gave her an apologizing look and a light smile before staring back at the ceiling.

“One of these days he’s going to get you into so much trouble.”

“That’s what O says too” he responds with a light laugh that makes her heart swell, because how long has it been since he’s laughed sincerely? ”But I keep telling her it’s too late. We get each other into trouble. Maybe that’s why we survived after all” she nods but she’s not sure he saw it and for a few minutes they remain like this, just lying down and staring at the ceiling, both of them just thinking and enjoying the silence.

“Can I ask you something?” Clarke disrupts the moment and he turns to her smiling

“Are you attempting at having a decent conversation with me, Griffin?” he jokes and she shakes her head annoyed at his responce

“Forget about it.”

“Oh, come on” he nudges her with his elbow which almost startles her, because when on earth did her get so close to her? ”I am joking. Ask away.”

“You’re never going to change are you?” she sighs still pretending to be sick of his behavior but in fact she’s just fooling around as well now

“Come on, Griffin, don’t make this harder.”

“Harder? I am making it harder?” she raises her eyebrow and he sighs tiredly and rolls his eyes

“Fine, fine, don’t ask then, Jesus.”

“I won’t” she reponds stubbornly while he runs his fingers through his hair which he does when he’s frustrated 

“Good.” he huffs with his hoarse voice

“Good.” he looks at her and notices how shes crossed her hands on her chest like she’s going to start scolding him any minute now, but it’s actually funny because she’s in bed, her messy gold hair is spilled on the pillow and she is intensely staring at the wall which makes her well…like a cute five year old. He can bet that wrinkle between her brows developed when she was a kid stubbornly trying to get what she wants out of everyone. Which shouldn’t have been hard, considering the family she comes from. Which reminds him of something else.

“Princess?” he asks her seriously and she must realize that he isn’t fooling around because she looks up for a brief moment ”How soon do you think Indra can fix me?”

“Why? What are you up to again?” she suddenly gets serious too and props herself on her elbows. Her shirt slips over her shoulder and he tries not to look too much at her half bared chest

“I’m not up to anything” he answers feeling a little insulted ”I have to get a job. Preferably soon.”

“What? But why? I thought that the Army-”

“All the money that I got are in O’s college fund” he cutts her off before she manages the finish her thoughts ”I had a small amount left for myself but I never expected that I’ll come back like this” he nods at his broken body and his limp legs

“I don’t understand” she replies confused more than ever ”They gave you a medal tonight, but they are not helping you in any other way even though you need it?”

“I have a good insurance, it pays for the physical therapy” he responds like it’s not a big deal and just shrugs ”My intentions were always to get Octavia through college, I wasn’t really thinking about myself.” he explains and she can’t decide if she’s angry with him or if she feels bad because he was doing all this for his sister.

“And what did you think would happen, Bellamy?”

“That I would either die or just keep reenlisting.” he explains with his calmest voice ”There was never a third option.”

“Okay, then what about before you joined the army?” she tries to help him somehow, make him think about his options ”What were you going to study?”

“History probably.”

“Why am I not surprised” she smiles but he is still seriously furrowing his eyebrows, thinking about everything ”Well maybe you can do something about that one day, start college like you intended to?” he just huffs as if annoyed at her not understanding him

“You didn’t answer me” he goes back to his initial question ”How long before she fixes me?”

“It’s not that easy, Bellamy. She can’t just magically make it all better, but she is the best I know and if you put some effort, you’ll start getting better in a few months.”

“Months?” this time he props himself on his elbows and stares at her surprised ”I can’t waste months, Clarke, I need to pay rent” unlike the apartment that Octavia occupied which used to be their mother’s, the one Bellamy was living in, wasn’t actually his ”It’s fine, I’ll figure something out on my own” he sighs when she loses herself in her thoughts for far too long and doesn’t say anything.

“If you push yourself, you’ll just make this worse” she warns but he doesn’t seem to be listening to her, he’s back to being buried in his own thoughts. 

Clarke sighs and looks away, closing her eyes for a moment because she’s dead tired and she has to wake up for an early shift in the morning. Before she realizes, she drifts off and it takes Bellamy some time to figure out she’s sleeping soundly right next to him. 

He smiles when he looks at her-she seems like a child so much right now, Her face is not worried, her brows are not angrily furrowed at him, she seems peaceful, something he’ll never be again, but he can at least take the time to look at her and think how beautiful she is. 

And then punish himself for those thoughts, because how dare he look at her like that? How could he even think about wanting to kiss her lips with his bruised and battered ones? But what startles him even more was the realization that he had started thinking about her like that in the first place, because if a week ago someone had told him he thought Clarke was the most beautiful girl he’s ever seen, he probably would’ve punched them.

He smiled when she turned to his side and curled up, pulling the blanket to her chin. In the next hour he found out that Clarke moves way too much while sleeping and soon after all that tossing and turning, she got even closer to him and unconsciously pushed her back to his side. 

He swallowed hard as he squeezed his burning side again but didn’t make a sound-he would rather have someone close to him like that than whine about being in pain. He was a soldier after all, a few bruised ribs was nothing to him. He has forgotten what it was like to have someone…anyone at all, pressed that close to him. 

The last person he could think of being next to him like that was Gina and she was blown up by a bomb just a few months into their relationship. He hasn’t had a girlfriend in a long time, he hasn’t even looked at a woman this way, he forbid himself after Gina, because he believed it would just serve as a distraction. He had a job to do. If he screwed up, Octavia would have to pay for his mistakes.

Clarke nuzzled close to him and he smiled even though his back was burning up ever since that idiot pressed him up that wall. He couldn’t let himself fall, he would hate himself even more if he woke her up with his screams and he knew he would. There wasn’t a night his nightmares wouldn’t come to him. 

So instead he just stared at the ceiling and swallowed down his pain, checking up on Clarke every now and then and feeling somehow at peace with her small body pressed to his side. 

It felt good.

And a little bit more like home.


	5. The post-it notes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for taking longer to write this chapter, work is killing me lately. Thank you all for reading. This one is lighter in a way. Hope you enjoy!

Bellamy almost jumped from the bed when he heard Clarke’s alarm in the morning. He had drifted off for literally fifteen minutes every two hours, without letting himself fall for longer out of fear he would scare her. He groaned frustrated when he realized that nothing’s wrong and he shouldn’t be afraid of a damn ringing phone, but the noise it was making was horrible until he realized which the song was and laughed out loud more to himself than to Clarke who didn’t seem to be hearing any of this.

It was “Barbie girl” and he was brought back years ago when Octavia would jump on his bed early in the morning, singing the lyrics and driving him insane.

“Griffin!” Bellamy put his hand on Clarke’s shoulder and gently shook her ”How on earth are you not hearing this hellish alarm? Come on, wake up!” he continued trying to wake her up in the same gentle manner but she just groaned and raised her hand pushing him

“Go away!” she mumbled and just when he propped himself on his elbows and tried to reach other to grab her phone did she decide to roll back on her back and jab him in ribs with her elbow

“For fuck’s sake, Griffin!” he cursed and was about to scold her when the pager started buzzing too ”It’s a fucking circus out here, just stop one of those godawful things. We could wake the dead!”

“Shhhh” she said ”Sleep! It’s just the first alarm, I have fifteen more to wake me up” she mumbles not even slightly disturbed by his frustrated groans but he can’t stand this so he stretches out to her night stand and grabs her phone, desperately trying to turn it off. 

She feels him lingering above her and in her sleep she realizes that something’s not right-Bellamy Blake was almost on top of her. She could feel his strong body next to her and she could smell him-that mix of alchohol, cigarettes and for some reason grass, was surrounding her and she opened up her eyes for a brief moment only to see him fumbling with her phone.

“I am NOT listening to “Barbie girl” for fifteen times no matter what, Princess” he huffs and looks down at her as he finally tosses the phone back on the nightstand but doesn’t move right away. Instead he stares down at her.

“You alright?” he asks, concern and confusion evident in his voice. She realizes that she’s not exactly breathing right now and that she’s staring at him like she’s wondering what on earth was going on. And she was. She remembers falling on her side of the bed, but she has no idea when she got so close to him

“Did I toss and turn tonight?” she asks sheepishly as he finally rolls back on his side but she still feels him pretty close and she can’t help but swallow hard at the sight of his half naked torso in front of her. The bruises he got last night were now blue and that made her furrow her eyebrows, but he didn’t seem to mind any of this.

“That’s an understatement, Princess” he chuckles as he eyes her playfully ”I don’t know how your girlfriend sleeps with you in bed, you might’ve jabbed me in the chest at least five times before you nuzzled into my side.” Clarke covers her eyes shamefully and sighs feeling completely embarrassed before she realizes something.

“Wait a minute” she’s completely awake now and he feels like he’s about to be scolded ”Did you sleep at all last night?”

“Of course I did, why wouldn’t I?” he huffs as if annoyed with her stupid questions, but she is not easily fooled and this time she props herself up and leans down staring at his face.

“And the dark circles under your sleepy eyes are just you playing with O’s mascara last night yes?”

“Y-yes” he stutters a bit because he was caught and there wasn’t much he could do so he just offers her an innocent smile. She sighs and rolls back on her side because she can’t deal with his stupidity right now and her pager starts buzzing again which basically drives her nuts. 

“I have to go, I’m late” she announces as she finally drags herself out of bed and starts looking for her clothes. He doesn’t move though, she assumes that he’s trying to gather his strength to she won’t bug him about it. 

“Have fun at work today, Princess” he announces with a smug smile and she returns it. She has no idea when they got like this but she doesn’t want to think too much about it ”Don’t worry I’ll lock your place and put the key in the secret spot” he promises and she nods while looking around for her phone which she has now tossed somewhere else and he has to remind her it’s on the coffee table right under her nose.

“Don’t go out today, try to rest and put some ice on your ribs, alright?” she orders before she goes and he wants to smile but pretends to be serious for once because he knows he’ll anger her otherwise.

She has a pretty hectic day at work, but she catches herself thinking about his smile in the coffee break, the way his lips slightly curl up because he just doesn’t believe he deserves anythinkg good in his life. The way his eyes flicker with anger when he wants to disagree with her but instead decides to keep his mouth shut and pout like a little kid. The way his hoarse voice woke her up this morning.

She shakes her head and goes back to her patients, burying herself in work, trying to forget anything there is about Bellamy Blake and figuring out that everything she’s been doing lately is way too reckless for a person in a relationship.

She has to stop it. She can’t be spending all her time with him. He had Octavia and Murphy and she has made him come to physical therapy. She has done more than enough.

And then she comes home and she sees the stupidest sweetest thing an idiot like Bellamy could’ve ever done. 

It starts with a bright yellow post-it note on her door saying “Hello princess!” written with a bright red text marker, looking a little bit uneven cause God knows how he managed to even write it with his shaky hands that always supported his body with the crutches.

She smiles and takes it off, shaking her head as she opens the door and the minute she steps in, she sees another one, on the cupboard on the left, where she usually threw her keys.

“I’m sure you had a long day.”

Then another one just next to it.

“So I assumed you will be hungry” she laughs as she takes it off and starts walking to the coffee table where she spots the next one

“Keep going straight, please”

She found a “Now to the left” stuck on the lamp near the armchair

And then one on the wall “A little bit more to the left, Jeez, I feel like in that Beyonce song” she was surprised by the sound of her own laugh, it startled her so much she almost dropped all the notes she was holding

“And yes, I know who Beyonce is. I grew up with O” said the next one right at the corner near the small kitchen

“Okay, Princess, make a turn” she wrote on another one of the post-its

She went into her own kitchen as if it was the first time she set foot in it-she was excited and when she glanced at the table where she usually ate alone, her heart skipped a beat. The table was fixed-there was a nice blue and white tablecloth on, flowers in the middle of it, a small candle that made the room smell like cinnamon (like him, she thought), and a plate with her favorite chicken and mashed potatoes that she always swooned over whenever she came by O’s place and he was cooking. It was the only tihng she ever liked about him. 

But that was not the only thing that was on the table. On the empty seat opposite of hers, there was a big brown coardboard box that woud look like the most ordinary thing had it not been for the pink ribbon on top and a few holes here and there on the sides, which honestly made Clarke furrow her eyebrows.

“What the hell, Bellamy” she said to herself and headed there, noticing the last three post-its on top of the box.

“Thank you for not seeing me as broken” said the first one

“Now promise not to kill me. Okay. You done?”

“It better not be some dumb prank” she prayed to herself as she picked the last note which said “Open up!”

She sighed and untied the ribbon holding the old piece of cardboard together. She was afraid to glance inside at first, certain that the thing will blow up or make some kind of awful noise that will scare the hell out of her, because that was Bellamy Blake, she couldn’t trust him with those stuff.

But when she squeezed her eyes and didn’t hear anything scary, she actually allowed herself to relax and opened herself for the wolrd or...well in this case the box, again only to see a little yellow ball of sunshine curled up in one of the corners, hiding under a blanket.

“Oh, no Bell, you didn’t!” she exclaims as soon as she can make sense of what she’s seeing ”You DIDN’T!” she gently lets her hands inside and picks it up, slowly pushing it to her chest and removing the blanket away only to reveal the small head of the cutest dog she’s ever seen. 

She hugs the brightest ball of sunshine right away and starts blabbing how beautiful it is. She feels like the happiest girl in the world and almost start jumping around the apartment with the dog itself before she notices the last note on the bottom of the box and picks it up.

“She’s all yours. Choose a good name, please”

She laughs once more before she realizes that there are some tears in her eyes too, not because she’s sad, but because she’s so grateful that there’s someone out there who cares for her like that. 

After she has her fair share of playing with the pup on the old dirty couch, she decides that she should go to his place and thank him personally.Maybe even ask him for help with the naming, because she seriously had no idea. She just knew she was happy and there was that.

She hasn’t been happy in a very long time.

But when she goes to his place she finds the door locked and she can’t hear any sound coming from inside. At first she’s scared, worrying that maybe he fell again and there was no one to help him. She keeps knocking on the door for a long time, but no one answers so she decides to go to Octavia.

When she ends up there she finds Monty and Jasper arguing loudly on the couch about some game while O’s making popcorns in the kitchen.

“Hey, I was just about to call you” she smiles genuinely when she sees her and gives her a quick hug, because, no she can’t burn the pop corns or Jasper will just whine all night long about it and they are both to tired for it ”We’re about to watch a movie and you have to convince Jasper that we are tired of Star Wars! I know Princess Leah is basically one of the best female characters of all time, but I can’t handle it yet again” she blabs out without noticing Clarke’s worried face and just when she’s about to ask about Bellamy a loud bark interrupts them and Clarke finds Ares loudly begging Octavia for more food while nuzzling himself in her leg ”Oh, come on Ares, you’ve had enough for today!”

“Ares is here” Clarke says as if to herself ”That means Bellamy’s not?” she finally asks what’s been bothering her the whole time. She watches Octavia’s face change and she turns around avoiding her look for some reason, but she doesn’t seem mad. She’s radiating anger whenever they’ve faught and now that wasn’t the case.

“He’s at Murphy’s place, dealing with some stuff.” she responds silently, focusing on the popcorns she’s putting in a big glass bowl.

“What kinds of stuff?” Octavia shurggs but Clarke can see that she knows what this is all about, she just doesn’t want to tell her.

“Since when do you care about my brother?” she decides to answer with a question and smirks knowingly ”I know you’ve been spending some time together but-”

“Yes, and it’s all your fault by the way” Clarke leans on the counter and crosses her arms on her chest ”You wanted me to keep an eye on him.”

“I know and I am grateful for that.” O responds seriously as she takes out the glasses off the cupboard and lines them up near her friend. Clarke waits for a but somewhere after that but it doesn’t come so she sighs a little bit annoyed by the Blakes at the moment

“He got me a puppy and then disappeared? Seriously?” Octavia turns abruptly to her, her eyes wide

“He did what?” Clarke is surprised that her friend doesn’t know that, she figured it was all some grandeur plan in which she was involved. They have been joking about getting her a dog since forever ”Are you serious?”

Clarke takes her phone out of her pocket and smiles-she has already managed to take 20 pictures of the sweet little bundle of joy and she turns the screen to Octavia who starts jumping around just like Clarke did when she found out.

After the initial excitement is over and she’s still smiling at the screen and grabbing Clarke’s hand, begging her to just go to her place and let her see it with her own eyes, Clarke agrees, but pulls her hand back to the kitchen before they have left.

“Seriously, O, is he alright?” Octavia eyes her warily, as if she knows there’s more to this than just wanting her to thank her brother for the dog

“I told you” she responds carefully ”He’s fine. There are some stuff going on with Murphy and he has to be there for him, that’s all I know. Even he doesn’t tell me everything.”

Clarke sighs and let’s it go. 

Later that night when she had had all her fun with the boys and Octavia, she crashes in bed and texts Bellamy. She writes and deletes it at least twenty times before finally hitting send.

“O told me that you’re at Murphy’s place and I know you’re probably busy, but I just wanted to thank you for the best surprise ever. I love her, she’s the best thing.”

She waits for his responce for another ten minutes before she falls asleep. The buzz from her phone wakes her in three in the morning, which means that he’s not sleeping yet again.

“Pleasure is all mine, Griffin. Did you settle on a name? We should let her play with Ares, he’s lonely lately.”

“Only if he promises he would never hurt her” she types out and waits another fifteen minutes before he responds 

“He never would, he’s a gentlemen” 

They text for a little while before she falls asleep dead tired in her bed. She assumes he’s busy because he takes a while before responding. The last thing she sends him says that if he needs any kind of help he can call her but he responds vaguely, promising that everything’s under control and she sighs, wondering when he’ll learn accepting her help after all. 

 

He found out that Clarke had broken up with her girlfriend two days after it had actually happened and he wanted to bash his head in a wall. He was so angry that he was the last one to hear about this and he almost yelled at his sister for not telling him sooner, but she made a bigger fuss than him, saying that he was the ony who’s spent the last week in Murphy’s place and she wasn’t even sure what was wrong, so he couldn’t keep protesting for long. Instead he asked how Clarke was, following his sister around the kitchen on his crutches, Ares not leaving his side even for a moment. 

Octavia refused to give him any answer that would actually satisfy him. She kept repeating that her friend was fine, considering, until she finally bursted out at him demanding an answer explaining why he suddenly cares so much about Clarke.

“I don’t” he shruggs it off and looks down at his feet. He was exhausted. 

It’s been a very hard week. A week in which he had to keep his friend from falling apart and try to show him that there’s still enough in his life worth fighting for. But nobody knew that. Not Octavia, not even Emori who Murphy made leave before it has even gotten that bad. It wasn’t the first time this has happened. Bellamy has done this before, he just had no idea it would be so hard this time

”I was just asking.”

“Well don’t” Octavia cut him off ”You have enough problems as it is. And don’t go to her place, she wants to be left alone!” she orders and he just sighs ready to fight her before she interrupts him again ”Bell, I mean it! She needs some time, okay?” he nods and kisses her forehead before he goes back to his place with Ares. 

However, he decides that he doesn’t want to stay inside, the news about her recent heartbreak made him worried about her, which was something new. It was usually the other way around in their strange relationship. 

So, he instead decides to take a walk. He doesn’t even notice that the weather is dark and moody just like he was and by the time he feels too tired to walk anymore, rain is pouring down on him. He doesn’t feel cold though, he just wants to wash away all sadness and stress from the past week, but he knows better by now than to believe this can happen.

He changes and decides that he won’t listen to his sister so he ends up at her doorstep raising up his tight fist and knocking on her door loudly. She doesn’t answer it at first, which is why he starts doubting his decisions but he doesn’t give it up.

“Hey, Griffin, it’s me” he announces loudly ”The guy who you can’t stand, but who got you a puppy!” he wairs another thirt seconds and is about to knock again when the door swings open and he almost loses his balance.

She raises her eyebrows a bit at the sight of him but doesn’t say anything, leaving him to let himsef in and going back to the…floor obviously. There is spilled paper all over the floor as well as paint, drawings covering almost every free space on the ground. He stops abruptly after he closes the door and struggles to support himself on his crutches. 

He has never thought about how Clarke would look in the middle of a crisis, but this definitely wasn’t it. He expected more of his sister’s behavior-hiding under the covers and in a desperate need of ice cream. That he could somehow deal with, he could hug her, hold her close and rock her, promising he’ll kick the bastard’s ass and make him sorry he ever walked on this earth.

But Clarke? She was a whole new hurricane. One that intended to kill him. One, he had no idea how to deal with.

Until he remembered how she threated him-she never felt sorry for him, never pitied him, she scolded him and told him to get his shit together. So that’s what he should do too.

“So” he begins and slightly leans on the door so he wouldn’t fall and mess up her drawings ”That’s your idea of a pitty party?” she sighs and throws the drawing she’s currently dealing with somewhere behind her. Only now does he notice the little yellow ball of sunshine curled u next to her feet.

“What is it that you’re doing here, Bellamy?” she asks roughly ”You disappeared for a week.” she’s not accusing him of anything, she sounds betrayed.

“I had something to deal with” he doesn’t know why he’s explaining himself, he probably shouldn’t. Not because he doesn’t feel like he owes her, he just doesn’t believe she would want to hear about Murphy wanting to kill himself. 

“Good for you” she grabs a red pen from the floor and leans closer to the new sheet she has grabbed from the coffee table. He notices that the faces staring at him from the floor are different-there was this older guy who reminded him of her a bit, this young guy with darker skin, he recognzed Jasper and Monty along the way too, even his sister in the fartherest corner ”Still doesn’t answer my question.”

“You know that I ask you the same thing whenever you came by to check if I’m alright in one after midnight and you never answer it so why should I? I think the answer’s clear.”

“Is it really?” he’s getting annoyed by her responces but what’s pissing him off even more is the fact that she doesn’t look at him. Not even once and he feels like he’s so invisible. He never knew she could be so mean when she’s hurt, but then again he was strong enough to handle it. He was mean to her too when he was in pain and she handled it without batting an eye. 

“Yes it is, Griffin” he responds with a certain determination which finally makes her look up for a brief moment ”We help each other when the shit gets too much without having to actually admit that we need it in the first place.”

“I don’t. You’re the one who drinks himself to sleep and can’t walk.”

“Oh right, and because you’re doing so good, you’ve made an island of pictures for youself so no one can reach you?”

“I’m not blocking your way, am I?” she cuts him off as she grabs another pen and goes back to ignoring him for a moment

“Yes you are, I won’t step on all this.”

“Why not, you love proving me wrong?” there is a certain mockery in her voice that honestly hurts him

“Because it’s your work” he respond seriously and she looks up again ”And I won’t ruin it.”

“It won’t be a problem, it’s too shitty anyway” she shrugs no longer being a show off, something in the way he said the last sentence made her snap out of it. 

“Really? You’re feeling sorry for yourself?” he is challenging her, he wants her to let all her anger out because judging by O’s words, she’s been doing nothing but giving them all the silent threatment and suffering on her own and he knew that if there’s someone who could piss her off in order to help her, it was him ”You broke up with your girlfriend, you’ll get over it. Stop pushing everyone away.”

“You mean like you’re getting over everything so well, Bellamy? You should be my example or what?”

“I’m just trying to say” he sighs and steps forward, but still trying to keep his distance from the paintings ”Let others help you. It’s not the end of the world.”

“Just because you never had a serious girlfriend and doesn’t consider that being in a relationship is important, doesn’t mean the rest of us have to follow your stupid philosophy Blake.”

“It’s not stupid, but alright, I agree with that. Still…that’s how you’re gonna get over it? Doodling on the floor? I thought you were better than that.” she doesn’t respond in any way and he sighs tiredly as he slowly puts the crutches away and leans on the floor ”Okay, then, I guess it will be the hard way.”

“What the hell are you doing?” she asks confused as she watches him take his socks off. Her puppy jumps on her feet and barks happily in his direction

“Oh, glad to see that at least you still love me, sweetheart” he says as he gets rid of his socks after a few minutes of complete struggle and very slowly walks to Clarke’s island of pictures

“Bellamy, you’ll fall!” she says suddenly worried and a little bit mad about it, but he ignores her as he basically gets on his knees and starts gently cleaning the pictures away so he can make his way to her.

He was literally crawling his way out to get to her and Clarke wasn’t sure she understood completely why he suddenly cared so much about her.

“Oh, that one’s nice, Princess” he says as he picks up a drawing of Jasper ”I think you forgot the googles, though, he never goes anywhere without them” she smiles as she watches him move through and make his way to her, picking up every drawing and saying something nice about it and her heart breaks as she watches him drag his half fucked up body her way.

The puppy intercepts his way and comes by his side,barking out in such a sweet baby way still.

“Hey, beautiful” he rubs her between the ears ”How’s the Princess been threating you?” he’s completely ignoring Clarke, but in a sweet way, he seems genuinly invested in the dog ”Oh, she’s been mean, yes? I know, I know, sweetheart, it’s hard.”

“I’m right over here!” Clarke pouts as she settles down as well and tosses the pen she was holding away, just so she could watch Bell and the puppy

“Is she mean, huh?” he keeps talking to the dog ”You’ll get used to her, no worries.” the puppy actually licks his hand and he smiles like a child ”Did you pick a name yet?” he asks and she shakes her head

“I was thinking about Sarah.”

“Oh my God, you’re so boring” he exclaims deeply disappointed ”Since you’re so bad at this, let me try.”

“I don’t want some fucking Greek God as a name for my dog, Bellamy! It’s the best thing in my life right now.” he tries to ignore the last sentence, but it actually fucks him up a little more than he would like to admit 

“Excuse me! Those are the best names. Plus, it won’t be a Greek God, it will be a Greek Goddess. Now let’s see” he completely ignores Clarke’s grunts and turns back to the dog ”How do you like Athena?”

“ATHENA?? Really? I want someting normal!” Clarke protests 

“What about Merope, huh, sweetheart?” he asks again but the puppy doesn’t give him any appropriate responce.

“Bellamy, I refuse to name my dog after a fucking Greek Goddess no matter how badass they are!” he sighs and runs his hand through his still short hair.

“Okay, okay, if your mommy doesn’t like Greek mythology, we can always try something just as equally cool, right?” he keeps talking to the dog and Clarke sighs, but from the corner of his eye he sees that she’s silently surpressing a smile and he’s happy that he’s succeeding in his tastk to get her mind off of things ”How about badass Leia from Star Wars? She’s a Princess like your mom.”

“Bellamy, I hate Star Wars!” she announces even more outraged than before and he immadiately covers the puppy’s ears and mumbles something like “Don’t worry, sweetheart, she doesn’t mean that!” 

”You’re unbelievable!” Clarke throws her hands in the air and grabs her pencil again, just because she needs to hold something and try to distract herslf from his perfectly sweet face

“Well, then Princess, what on earth do you even like?” he crosses his hands on his chest and furrows his eyebrows slightly. She stops for a minute, seriously thinking over his question and then looks up as if she came up with the best thing ever only to say

“Game of Thrones!” she says with a certain devilish smile, knowing she’ll piss him off.

“That’s it” he says and grabs the puppy from the floor, pressing her hard to his chest ”I’m taking you home with me, you can play with your brother Ares!”

“Come on, stop being so dramatic! There are awesome characters there. You have to admit it” he shakes his head stubbornly

“We’re not naming this beautiful dog Cersei just so you can chant “Shame! Shame!” every time she pisses on your couch, Clarke, you gotta bee bigger than that!”

“Alright, alright, what do you propose, other than Greek mythology and awesome TV series?” she’s getting tired of this though she’ll admit that she loves watching him with the puppy. 

“Let me think for a bit, okay” he says now seriously as he lies flat on the floor and watches the puppy climb up on his chest and approach his face ”In the meantime you can make the pop corn.” her head snaps at him just as she has tken it upon herslf to pick some of the drawings from the floor and clear more space, just because she couldn’t watch him struggle anymore and it was obvious he wouldn’t want to give it up.

“Come again?”

“Since you’re doing this the wrong way, I’m going to teach you how to get over a heartbreak, Griffin” he states seriously throwing her a look that says she shouldn’t argue with this

“Oh, yeah, and how is that?”

“Watch movies under a very warm fuzzy blanket, eat tons of ice cream and cry the shit out of your pain” he says it like it’s the simpliest thing on earth ”Now go make pop corn and let me think about our little problem” he orders and turns all his attention back to the puppy.

She sighs but agrees with him, because she actually feels like maybe she needs that. So she goes to the kitchen and makes pop corn, overhearing the noise coming from the living room but not quite distinguishing the words.

When she comes back with a bowl full of pop corn, he’s smiling and the puppy is barking in his feet. He picks her up and smiles.

“Clarke, meet Sunshine.” she is not quite sure how to respond to that, but she’s not sure if she hates it or adores it

“Sunshine? You named my dog fricking Sunshine, Bellamy? Will you exlplain to me once again what on earth was wrong with Sarah?”

“Don’t judge, it’s the best I could do. I tried everything and she refuses to respond to anything but that.” he says apologetically and Sunshine barks when she actually heart her name which made Clarke bury her head in her hands for a minute ”Hey come on, she’ll be the pollar opposite of you and still be that stubborn! You’re made for one another!”

“It’s not the dog I have a problem with, it’s the name.” she sighs as she collapses on the couch

“Come on, just try it, Griffin” he begs as he struggles to get to his feet and she wants nothing but to get up and give him a hand but she knows he’ll hate that so instead she watches him carefully and pretends like he’s not seconds away from falling before he reaches the couch and practically shoves the puppy in her face ”Try it!”

“You’re such an idiot!”

“Just try it!”

“Fine fine” she mutters asshole under her nose and he pretends he doesn’t hear her ”Hey, Sunshine!” the puppy barks out loud and he lets her in Clarke’s lap, watching them bond while secretely stealing pop corn from the bowl.

She snorts, but she feels like with time, she’ll actually get to like it. At least Sunshine was answering when called and that was awesome, because she was still so very cusious to smell or eat literally anything around the house and she was worried she might lose sight of her and something bad might happen. But Bellamy caught her up with one hand and placed her on the couch next to them when they finally played the movie. 

Bellamy claimed that they have to watch something Nicholas Sparks much to his dislike so she could cry. She needed to cry is what he kept insisting on, especially after he found out she’s not done so after pressuring her with the question for about twenty minutes. He was surprised to find out she hasn’t watched any Nicholas Sparks movies considering the fact that O was her best friend and she usually cried to those stuff when she was going through something really fucked up. She let him choose the movie and much to her surprise he didn’t pick up “The Notebook” or “A walk to remember”, all titles she has heard of. Instead he choose the one called “The Longest ride” and she grunted when she realized it’s a cowboy story, but he just poked her in the ribs and told her to shut up and watch. 

At the end of course, she was crying. She was aware that it wasn’t that goddamn sad, but she didn’t need much these days and he was careful with her too. When she first started crying he slowly handed her the box of Kleenex but when she started shivering and hiccuping in that ugly way that you cry once it goes so bad you can’t breathe, he hugged her and pressed her close to his chest. 

He didn’t really smell like cinnemon or grass, He smlled like rain and she inhaled it, let it consume her as she cried and wetted his plaid shirt. She listened to his regular heart beat and felt the way his arms embraced her. She let herself get lose in his big strong and yes, a little bit ruined, body and he didn’t say anything for a while. He just kept rubbing her back and squeezing her tight. He wanted to protect her from the world like the soldier he was.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked after a while and she swallowed hard as she pulled a little bit away from him but was too embarassed to look him up with her puffy face and red eyes ”Or would you rather I go and get O now?” he suggested, expecting not to be enough for her. Not believing she’ll ever trust him with something as personal even though he saw her in the worst shape today.

“No” she shook her head ”I love being friends with Octavia, I love sharing things with her, but I am not sure I can do this with her now. I don’t think she would understand. Actually, I don’t think anyone would understand.”

“Try me” she sees him smiling from the corner of her eyes but refuses to look up and just looks for somewhere else to hide when he puts his big hand on her head and pulls her back to his chest.

“I just didn’t really expect it you know?” she begins ”It wasn’t supposed to be so abrupt. It’s like one day she’s fine and the next she tells me that she wants to focus on her career and that I’m only a distraction. I don’t know how to exactly describe what I felt when she tried to explain herself.”

“The pain which hurts the most is the one that comes without us expecting it, Griffin, of course you can’t explain it.” he says seriously but his words are sincere, genuine ”But I still think that you must’ve both felt that things are not going fine, right? You just choose to ignore it.”

“Maybe” she shrugged lightly but didn’t move from his chest

“Give yourself time, Clarke” he says after a while ”You just need time. And don’t bury yourself in too much work. That’s wrong.”

“You sound like you’re speaking from experience.” she noted carefully and looked at his tortured face for a few seconds before he has noticed. He was staring at the black TV screen, obviously remembering something.

“I am. But every heartbreak is different. Unique,in the bad sense of the word” he squeezes her shoulder and looks down at her ”You’ll be fine, Griffin. Now, it’s time for the next stage” he carefully moves her up and smiles

“Next stage?”

“You need ice cream!” he announces and slowly gets to his feet. She watches him stagger all the way to the kitchen, but she patiently waits. She wouldn’t ask him to help now, because she knows how much she will hurt him.

When he came back he was exhausted even from walking this short distance but he still watched her eat and cry and played another movie. They didn’t get to the middle of it when she fell asleep on his chest. 

He didn’t know how to move her so he wouldn’t wake her and he was aware of how much she needed rest. So instead he carefully laid down on the couch with her still on his chest. She moved a bit in her sleep, trying to get comfortable and letting her hands hang from the couch which made him laugh. He managed to grab the blanket from the floor and cover her with it.

He listened to her steady breathing as he tried to finish the movie, thinking how he can’t allow himself to fall, because if he does he’ll scare the hell out of her. 

But he can’t help it. He hasn’t gotten any decent rest for more than a week and he feels so warm and cozy with Clarke sleeping on his chest, so without really wanting to and no matter how hard he tries to fight it, he drifts away.


	6. The downfall

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: There are mentions of suicide and the attempts at it in this chapter. If any of you guys don't feel like reading those things you can skip the first half of the chapter. As a whole this one is a lot darker than the previous, just so you are prepared. Also, thank you all for the comments and I was surprised to read that many of you wanted to read more about Murphy, I love writing his relationship with Bellamy. Also, I planned to include Octavia in here but other things got in the way, so I'll try to give her perspective in the next chapter.

She wasn’t sure what was happening at first, because this was the first time in a week she’s got some relatively decent sleep. It took her a few seconds to realize that she was sleeping on top of Bellamy, they were lying on her couch, the TV was on and the bright light coming from it kind of blinded her as she moved her head up.

“Bellamy?” she asks confused as she watches him toss and turn over her. Goddammit, he was having another nightmare ”Bellamy, wake up!” she calls out louder now, it broke her heart to watch him like this every time, she had to do something about it. ”Jesus not again, not again” she mumbled as she put her hands on his arms and shook him ”Bellamy!”

His eyes snapped open and for a second there she was almost relieved that she saved him from this awful nightmare he must’ve had until she realized that something’s wrong. He suddenly tried to sit up and pulled away from her. She couldn’t see him well because it was too dark, but she caught a glimpse of his face and he seemed like he had no idea where he was.

“What’s going on? What are you doing here? Who are you?” he asks confused and she realizes how bad he’s trembling so she keeps her hands on his arms, thinking how she has to calm him down. He might’ve not woken up yelling, but he sure as well was having some kind of episode and couldn’t make sense of his surroundings, he could hurt himself

”Nate!” he raised his voice and started looking around frantically ”Get me my gun! I need my gun!”

“Bellamy, stop!” she tries bringing him back even though she realizes how hard it is

“Where am I?” he asks but he’s talking more to himself than to anyone else ”Where’s my gun, I need my gun” he tries to get up but his fucked up body refuses to break him free of her embrace

”Why can’t I move? What’s wrong?” he turns back to her he’s shaking really hard and he’s sweating bad, but she notices that he can’t catch his breath, he was having a panick attack

“Bellamy, it’s me Clarke” she tries again and attempts at grabbing his hands, but he escapes her grip and instead puts his own hands on her wrists shaking her very roughly

“Who are you? Why are you here?” he asks raising his voice. She feels his strong grip on her hands and knows that it will probably leave bruises but she can’t care about any of it now ”Why am I here?” he cries out even more confused than before as he keeps looking frantically around himself. He just can’t realize what’s going on and it breaks her in a million pieces. 

“Bellamy, close your eyes!” she commands him as she feels his grip loosen a bit. She manages to free her arms from him and take his face in her hands ”Just listen to me and close your eyes!” she begs of him and she guesses she must’ve sounded really desperate because he follows through ”Now take a deep breath” she orders and watches him follow through ”That’s right. You’re okay, you no longer at war” she decides to explain what’s going on so he could come back to his senses ”You came home and you’re save now.” he takes another deep breath and opens his eyes again, she feels relieved when she looks at them and realizes he’s slowly coming back to her ”You came to my apartment tonight to help me, we watched movies and fell asleep because we were tired, do you remember now?” she asks him carefully and he briefly closes his eyes before taking another sharp breath.

When he opens them up she sees her Bellamy again and she gives him a sad smile reassuring him that everything’s alrght as she pushes him to her chest and this time she’s the one to comfort him. He feels so small in her embrace, so broken and as he silently cries and she buries her hand in his hair she whispers that everything’s fine.

And he lets her hold him, because he needs someone to keep him steady just for a few minutes. He needs that or he’ll completely break and even though he knows how unfair this is to her, he doesn’t want to pull away.

Until her hand flashes before his eyes as she tries to move it up his hair and comfort him again. He almost misses it, but since she turned the small lamp near the couch on, he gets to see better and he jumps away, gently taking her arm in his shaky hand and pulling it closer to his eyes to make sure he’s seeing it right.

“Oh my God” he whispers as he stares at the redness on her wrist knowing that by tomorrow it will be black ”What did I do?” he asks as he looks up at her and she hurries to shake her head ”What did I do to you?”

“Bellamy, it’s fine, you were just scared!”

“No, I hurt you.” he pulls away from her, afraid that he’s just too broken to control himself right now ”I hurt you! How could I do this to you?”

“Bell, it’s fine, it’s nothing I promise” she tries to put her hand on his arm, but he pulls away and tries to stand up yet fails to do so, he has to get out of here, he has to run away from her and make sure there’s enough distance between them so he can’t hurt her anymore ”It’s fine, alright? I’ll get you some water and some sleeping pills and you’ll be fine, okay?” she suggests and after a minute of complete silence he realizes she’s staring at him expecting an answer, so he finally nods.

When he sees her getting up and heading towards the bathroom, he gathers whatever strength he has left in him and manages to raise himself up. He tries to hurry because he’s aware she won’t take long. Once he reaches his cruches that he has left near the wall, he silently opens the door and heads down the hallway to his place, thanking God that he doesn’t live that far. That he can run away. That he can save her by getting himself out of there.

Once he closes the door of his own place and locks it, he simply lets himself collapse on the floor. Just as he does so he hears he steps down the hallway. She starts bagning on his door, begging him to open up.

“Bell, please, just let me in!” her words dig a whole in his heart ”Just let me in.” she kept repeating but he wouldn’t move ”I can hear you breathe, I can hear you inside!” at first she’s pleading, then she’s angry and after an hour, she gives up. It’s in the middle of the night and he wonders how none of the neighbors have complained of the noise yet. He hears her cry at the end and he hates himself for doing this, but he’s relieved when she finally leaves.

He lets himself cry then too.

He bashes his head in the door, he is angry at himself.

He hurt her. He fell asleep, he had a nightmare about Finn killing all those people in the village and woke up not knowing where he was.

He was so damn furious. 

He didn’t realize when he got back on his feet grabbed on of his crutches and started swinging it, destroying everything before his eyes and yelling, screaming, crying. He couldn’t even see what he was hitting, his eyes were full of tears so he just kept hitting and hitting whatever came before him.

And then he finally collapsed back on his knees near the coffee table. The pain from this violent act rushed all the way from his back down to his toes-it was blinding him, but he didn’t care.

“I’m sorry” he mumbled silently ”I am so so sorry” he looked up at the ceiling, but all he wanted to see was the sky. Something to lose himself in, something to find peace in. 

Instead his look fell on the coffee table where he had put Murphy’s gun once he finally came home. The same gun he found him pressing to his head as he cried that he just couldn’t take it anymore. The same gun Bellamy took off his shaky hands as he promised him it will be alright and tossed it in the corner of the room so he couldn’t reach it. The same gun he then picked up and took away from his friend’s place, because he was scared Murphy might look for it again. That’s why Bellamy kept his rifle at his sister’s place. Because he knew that if he woke up like this one of these nights he might not only hurt himself but someone else accidentally and he wouldn’t allow it.

But now Murphy’s gun was in here and he just wanted to feel the weight of it in his hand so he picked it up and closed his eyes as he felt the coldness it left in him, calming him down.

Was that all he was? A man who’s only fine when he’s holding a weapon?

Was there all there was to his life? Killing people. Because yes he had killed and if he died right this moment, that would be all he would leave behind him-a trail of soldiers on the other side of a war that he had killed. As well as all the friends he couldn’t save. 

He wondered what Finn saw when he pressed the gun to his forehead before he killed himself. Was it his family? His girlfriend? Did he even have one? Bellamy never asked. 

Was he relieved?

Because Bellamy feels nothing anymore. 

He hurt Clarke today. He might hurt his sister tomorrow. He couldn’t save Murphy, all he could was stop him every time he felt like leaving him and that was not enough. 

Nothing he ever did was enough.

He squeezed his teeth as he felt the tears stream down his face, the gun still in his hand. What would it cost him to raise it up to his head? It certainly won’t hurt as much as trying to stay on his feet. Or seeing the bruises on Clarke’s wrist. Or reliving all of their deaths every single night.

And then he felt something warm pushing his free hand and he opened up his eyes to find Ares looking up at him confused, his head tilted to the side. 

“Ares, buddy” Bellamy whispered ”Get out of here, I’ll hurt you too” he added, but the dog just stayed right where he was and instead bowed his head down and started licking Bellamy’s hand.

It took Bellamy another ten minutes to let off the gun and toss it on the other side of the room.

And then he cried as he buried his hands in Ares’s fur.

It was warm and soft.

Nothing like a gun.

 

Bellamy woke up late in the morning in the middle of a floor filled with glass. He grunted from the pain in his back and as he tried to roll on it, he felt Ares curled up near his feet and it made him smile sadly. He raised his hands up and saw all the cuts he got after basically destroying the flat. Not that this mattered to him now. None of it mattered really because as he looked up at the empty ceilling all he could remember was Clarke’s wrists and it made him want to destroy the whole place again and himself with it. 

He was well aware of the fact that pieces of broken glass were digging in through the paperthin shirt on his back, but he didn’t care. He was disgusted with himself and as he tried to sit up and drag himself closer to the couch he grunted and looked around for his phone.

He didn’t feel any better than last night but he was glad that Clarke has decided against coming back to his room and trying to make him open up. He had no idea how he’ll look her in the eye again. He wasn’t sure he could.

He picked up his phone from the floor and found out he had a bunch of unread messages, a few from his sister and the rest from...Clarke.

PLEASE tell me you are alright!

Bell, just let me in there, I want to help!

Just...text back, okay, that’s all I need for now. Tell me you’re fine.

And those were just a few of them. His vision blurred from the tears in his eyes-even after he had hurt her, she was still worried for him. He didn’t deserve that. He didn’t deserve any of it. He had gone there last night in a desperate attempt to help her when she needed it and ended up hurting her, because he was too broken. He was like the glass on the floor-irreversably broken, hurting everything he touched.

He knew what he had to do. But first he decided to call Murphy. It took him a while before he picked up and he was actually starting to worry when he heard the familiar voice.

“Sergeant Blake, to what do I owe the pleasure?” Bellamy shook his head a little at his greeting. 

He would never get used to calling him Lieutenant and he knew why was that-he was still seeing Bellamy as the guy he was before it went too bad and too scary. Before they both started loosing too much weight and sleep back there, while still at war, because they were haunted by all the people that they knew who died. Murphy was as desperate to bring back the better days as Bellamy was and this was his own little rebellion against time

“John” he begins and Murphy grows silent on the other line for a moment. He knows well enough that if Bellamy is calling him by his first name, stuff are serious

“Are you okay? Do you need me to come and lift your sorry ass of the floor again?” he jokes, but his voice is strained. It makes Bellamy feel even more guilty than he already is.

“Do you remember-”he ignores his question just like he ignored the pain in his back right now ”when we were at boot camp?”

“It was a while back, but yes I do” he reponds still as confused as before ”You sure you’re alright?”

“I’m fine” he cuts him off a bit too fast because he doesn’t consider himself important really ”They wanted us to become snipers do you remember? We refused.”

“They really wanted you and Miller, I wasn’t as good” Bellamy ignores that comment as well, he’s just too busy staring at the ceilling, still wishing to see something else instead of it ”So what’s your point?”

“I wonder sometimes why we refused. I wonder if...if we’ve taken it, would it have been better for us?”

“Snipers suck and you know it. They lay around all day on roofs and then complain their elbows hurt” Murphy cut him off as if bored but his voice was still strained ”We refused it because we wanted to be of actual help, not just slack and sunbathe our skinny asses.”

Bellamy wanted to ask him if they really did any help at all but then he rememebred finding him on the living room floor with the gun pressed to his head, asking him the exact same thing. 

“Did it matter? What we did? Why didn’t we die? Why are Miller and Bryan and Sterling gone but we’re here, Bellamy?” he had asked and he had to swallow down and step up for him. He had to save him. So he had talked and said things he wasn’t sure he even believed in. But he made Murphy believe in them until he pried the gun off his hand and let him cry. He hasn’t seen Murphy cry since they woke up in the field hospital and realized that they’re not themselves anymore. 

“Hey, you remember all those kids who climbed on your back and begged you to stay and keep playing soccer with them?” Murphy asked, trying to cheer him up ”They loved you. They were crazy about you actually, I am pretty sure a certain blonde would’ve been jealous of them could she’ve seen them” Bellamy winces at the mention of Clarke and a shiver goes through him. 

“I do” he swallows hard as he closes his eyes and relives it all over again ”And the next day when we went there again Finn killed half of them and their parents because he had an automatic gun that I gave him.”

“Finn was batshit crazy and that was none of your fault, Bellamy” Murphy cuts him off a bit angry at him mentioning this. Not only because it was something that weighted on Bellamy’s shoulders, but also because Murphy was the one who found Finn in his tent after he killed himself ”That’s all I remember of him.“

“Yeah? And what will they remember of us?” Bellamy asked sounding a little bit like a child who needed some confirmation

“We were decent shooters” Murphy responded casually ”And we drank too much.”

“You drank too much.”

“Whatever” Bellamy silently thanks his friend for beeing able to cheer him up, even though he was still very fucked up and unstable ”Hey, Bellamy, do you need anything from me?” that’s what he usually asked him. He would never say “You sound fucked up and I know you need help”. He would just ask him casually like this even though he was always worried.

“Yeah” he looks around and then up at Ares who has climbed on the couch because walking on the screwed up floor was not an option ”Can you and Emori over here, I could use your help. If that won’t be a problem for you guys.”

“Can’t you call Clarke? Is she working?”

“No, Clarke’s busy” he responds a bit too harsh and that’s why Murphy doesn’t push it ”And why on earth would I call Clarke anyway?”

“Are you for real now, Bellamy?” he hears him chuckle on the other end ”You’ve been drooling over her for weeks now.”

“You better shut up right now, Murphy” he says seriously but his friend doesn’t get it right away so he repeats ”I mean it, John, let it go with Clarke.”

“Okay, fine. Anything else you need from me? A ride to the hospital for the rehab stuff? I can ask Emori to-”

“No!” Bellamy cuts him off again ”I’m done with all that” he continues before his friend can protest ”Just get over here when you can that’s all.”

Clarke barelly makes it through her shift without calling him every break she can. He never picks up and that gets her on edge. She’s angry with him, even though she understand that he feels bad for last night, he could at least pick up his damn phone and say he’s fine. She hasn’t slept or felt any less stressed out ever since he ran away to his apartment last night and she was really pissed off.

So when her shift is finally over, she basically runs over there. She must’ve broken at least a dozen rules as she drove back to their building but she doesn’t care. When she bangs her fists on his door she gets a flashback of the previous night and hopes that he’s not collapsed somewhere inside and that he’s fine. He just wanted that-for him to be alright.

But when Emori opens up the door and she sees her holding a garbage bag while Murphy was picking up broken glasses from the floor, she can’t be more surprised. And hurt.

He let them in, but not her. It hit her harder than she supposed it would so when she didn’t speak up first Emori smilled and moved away.

“Hey, Clarke, how are you doing? Come on in” she invites her and Clarke slowly steps in, looking around for the only person she cares about right now but not seeing him. 

“Hey, Princess” Murphy adds as he throws another glass in the bin near him. The place seemed trashed, the coffee table was lying upside down, the lamps were a memory long destroyed on the floor, there were beer bottles broken, glasses, plates, clothes, even a chair from the kitchen, everything was upside down ”To what do we owe the pleasure?”

“What happened here?” she asks confused

“We were kind of hoping you could answer this for us” Emori responds sadly and Murphy adds

“It seems like he had a rough night, but he didn’t want to talk about it. You think you can help?”

“Where is he?” she asks worriedly and Emori eyes her curiously, but in a way that seems to be confimring her suspicions about something. Clarke ignores it. She can’t care about what other people are thinking right now. She had to get to him, no matter how mad she was that he pushed her away. Why she cared so much was another question she’s been trying to ignore for weeks now.

“We send him off to his room” Murphy explains ashe picks a part of a broken bottle. Clarke noticed there was some blood on the carpet near the couch too. Great. He hurt himself too. ”He seemed tired” that was his code for “He was barely standing on his feet so I took care of it”. She had heard it a couple of times before to be able to recognize it.

“And he called you guys for help?” she couldn’t help but ask, she was a masochist today, or maybe she just needed confirmation of the fact that he didn’t need her as much as she seemed to be needing him lately. 

With Bellamy, even though it seemed like she was the one being by his side, it was actually the other way around. He made her smile, he teased her, they fought in this innocent way that made her feel glad that she passed by his place to check on him. He was the only person who could make her smile after a 36 hour shift when she was annoyed to no end and just wanted to sleep. She admired him, for his strength to always take everything that life threw at him with such grace and honor. She could never figure out how he did it. Even in his worst, he wouldn’t grunt or complain. How he endured that kind of pain was beyond her.

“He didn’t want to bother you” Emori excuses him after she and Murphy exchange a somewhat knowing look ”You know what, we have to throw these away” she points at the garbage bags ”And we’ll grab some coffee from that place around the corner, you want something?” she asks casually and nods at Murphy who sighs and heads towards the door with her, getting the hint right away

“No, I am fine, thank you” Clarke smiles at her gratefully and watches as she and Murphy close the door behind them, thinking how Bellamy’s friend looks like he just walked through hell. They must’ve had a rough week.

But so did Bellamy and when she reaches the bedroom door and knocks lightly she sighs, not surprised that he doesn’t respond. She slowly opens up and finds him lying on the big bed, hiding under the covers, looking much like a little kid than a grown man. He rolls on his back with a grunt when he hears the noise and is ready to curse her until she sees who it actually is.

When he does, he sits up a little too fast which makes him wince.

“Clarke?” his voice is hoarse, he must’ve finally gotten some sleep after last night and she almost feels bad for waking him up. Almost ”You shouldn’t be here” he says as he tosses the blanket away and sits up, afraid to meet her eyes, though she notices his pierced at her wrists. She has put on a long sleeved shirt and he can’t see the marks he made. Plus they weren’t even that bad in the first place.

“Oh really?” she asks as she shuts the door behind her and approaches the bed, crossing her arms on her chest

“You have to go” he cuts her off coldly and it makes her breath hitch

“I’m not going anywhere” she responds with the same feriousity ”Unlike you, I don’t like running away.” he finally looks up and she sees guilt flash through his eyes ”I wanted to see how you’re doing.”

“I’m fine.”

“Right. As per usual” she chuckles at his responce ”You know that you have PTSD right? A pretty bad one. That you need help? Or are you still not facing these issues?”

“Look” he begins trying to pretend to be calm, but she can see him growing impatient too ”I am sorry that I hurt you and I will make sure that this never happens again” he emphasizes on the last words which almost make her wince ”But it was just a bad nightmare and I will be okay.”

“Sure, it’s a bad nightmare if it happens once a month, Bellamy, not every night. You can’t be that stupid to believe that this will go away on its own and break down every time you fall asleep.”

“Honestly, Clarke” she can see that he wants to stand up, to face her as equal, but his crutches are leaning on the chair which is out of his reach and he can’t get up on his own ”How do you care?” now he sounds crual if anything, but he knew what he had to do from the moment he saw her. No, actually, he knew what he had to do since he realized he hurt her last night. He had to make sure she never comes anywhere near him again.

“Excuse me?” she asks confused as she takes another step in his direction which makes it hard for him to breathe. 

“I know that you were raised in a certan way with a certain lifestyle but me-”he swallows hard and furrows his eyebrows at her ”I am not your charity case, Griffin. You don’t need to make yourself feel better through me and I don’t need your help.”

“Are you serious right now? Is this where we’re going back to? You can’t stand me because of my money?”

“No, I can’t stand you, because you’re a stubborn show-off of a rich ass girl who never got no for an answer and who’s been using my sister for her entertainment for years now!” he knew that dragging Octavia into this was wrong, but it would hurt Clarke even more and he needed that. He needed her to hate him.

“Why on earth are you beeing such an ass right now?” she raises her voice confused and he sees the tears in her eyes, the ones she’s trying very hard to hide from him ”What the hell is wrong with you?” she’s desperately looking for some explanation, one that he just can’t give her.

He pushes further instead.

“You think you know what’s wrong with me?” he raises his voice, hating himself for scaring her away, making her take a few steps back ”You think that just because Murphy told you some story, half of which is not even what happened, you are going to be able to help the poor broken vet who can’t walk anymore? Well you can’t. And you don’t know me.” he finishes off angrily and she looks away, closing her eyes for a minute, trying to get herself together.

“You know what? You’re right, I don’t know everything, but I know this-I was wrong about you” he looks her in the eyes, not thinking she would ever fight him back on anything. He just wanted her to leave. To be safe. ”You’re not a brave man, you’re not even a decent man. You are a coward who fucked up things and left his sister alone after their mother died instead of taking care of her.” that definitely hit a nerve because for a moment he just stares at her at a complete loss of words. She has never seen him so hurt by anything she’s said to him. He had after all sacrificed his life so he could ensure his sister’s future. He was currently unable to get on his feet by himself, because he fought tooth and nail to get her everything.   
“Just leave!” he asks of her but she shakes her head

“Oh no, you got to get everything off your chest and now it’s my turn, Bellamy” she is back to being strong, to kicking-ass and that’s a side of her he loved so much, because it went through him like a hurricane ”You’re a selfish piece of shit, because no matter how much you pretend to be doing fine on your own, you’re actually making everyone worry twice as much. You’re getting drunk, you don’t take care of yourself, you are basically killing yourself and dragging your sister, your only familly down with you because you just can’t swallow your goddamn pride and at least try to fix things.” she’s fuming, she can see her trembling so bad and he knows that in this moment she despised him.

And as much as it hurt him say all those awful things to her, as much as he hated having to listen to her say he is a coward, he was also relieved. For now that she’s back to not being able to stand him, she will be safe again.

“All you do is hurt people” she adds silently after a minute when he doesn’t say anything ”You’re a monster.” it takes him everything not to look away from her when she says this ”And I am done with you.”  
At that she turns around and leaves, tears already streming down her face. He hears her steps, hears her closing the door behind her with a loud thud and after she is gone and he is sure he’s back to being the loneliest bastard on earth, he lies back on the bed and stares at the ceiling.

No longer wishing it was the sky though.

Because who would want to stare at the stars alone?

 

Clarke is curled up with a blanket on her couch, eating ice cream and watching TV, trying to ignore the fact that she’s feeling a bit too lonely, when her cell lights up and the ringtone scares the shit out of her. 

She sighs, because she is hoping it’s not the hospital, it was her first free days in two weeks. Two weeks which she spent trying to get over a break up and forget about the fact that Bellamy Blake, who she hasn’t seen in that period, was the biggest douche face ever to walk this earth. For a minute there she hopes it might be Octavia, telling her she’s getting off her shift earlier tonight, but when she finally gets ahold of the thing and looks at the unknown number on it, she gets this sinking feeling that something’s not right.

“Hello?” she picks up after getting over herself and deciding that it might be something important

“Clarke?” she hears a voice that somehow sounds familiar, but she can’t exactly place who it belongs to ”Is that you?”

“Who’s this?” she asks confused as she sits up straight in her couch, alerted by the worried voice on the other end.

“It’s Harper” Clarke places the voice to the person writhout any problem ”We met after the award ceremony.” Clarke assures her that she remembers her and Harper continues somewhat relieved ”I’m calling because I need your help. Or more like Bellamy and Murphy do. They are in trouble.”


	7. The baseball bat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading and commenting again, it means a lot! This one is a bit longer, but it has more perspectives. I hope you like it and it doesn't hurt like the last one.

“How did you even get this number?”she can’t get rid of the feeling that something’s just not right. It was the way Harper spoke, rushed and like she just wants to get to the point because there isn’t time ”Is there something wrong?”

“I got it from John” she explains and Clarke can hear the loud voices on the background arguing about something, yelling at Harper to get somewhere ”We didn’t know what to do and he said we should call you even though Bellamy was against it. While he was still conscious that is.”

“Look, Harper, I understand if you’re worried about something, but if this is just another time when Bellamy got too drunk to get home, I am no longer the person he gets to call. Not after everything he did to me.” she makes it clear that she doesn’t want to be involved in this ignoring the warning voice in her head, telling her that she might not be right. Not this time.

“Clarke, you don’t get it” Harper tries again, sounding very desperate ”They are not drunk. They came by for movie night and then when they left, someone jumped them around the block and beat the shit out of them” Clarke’s breath gets stuck in her throat ”I’m not joking around, this is serious and I could really use your help. They are refusing to go to the hospital and Bellamy’s currently bleeding on my couch. Murphy has a broken nose for sure. I just…don’t know who to call” she’s blabbing now, she’s very nervous, it’s clear she has no idea what to do ”Usually Miller dealt with those things but…I don’t know what to-”

“I’m coming, just text me the adress” Clarke interrupts her before she gets to panic anymore and twenty minutes later she’s already in a cab, getting closer to her destination. 

Her med bag is next to her and all she can think about is that despite everything that has happened between them, she will never be able to change her mind after looking in his eyes and truly seeing him-he was not a bad person. 

But why had he lashed out like that and hurt her two weeks ago was still a mystery to her. That didn’t matter now though. All that mattered was getting there and helping them, because after all, that’s what she did best. It wasn’t her job to change people, it was to heal them. And that’s what she was going to do-someone was hurt and she was going to help them. She was determined to ignore everything else.

But when she got to Harper’s apartment and the latter opened up in a rush and with a welcoming smile on her face, she wasn’t sure how she was supposed to do all that. 

The place that has up to probably a few hours ago been a warm welcoming haven where all of them could have fun and watch movies was turned upside down. There were plastic cups on the coffee table that must’ve been full of beer not so long ago but then right next to them she could see bloody napkins and towels, which they must’ve used as a way to help their friends. Bowls which still had pop corn in were moved away to the floor and a bottle of what looked like Monty’s moonshine was placed in their spot. 

And finally there they were-the two idiots who got themselves in trouble again.

“Clarke” Murphy’s hoarse voice called her out from the armchair near the couch where his friend was lying. He was pressing a bloody cloth to his nose, one of his eyes were swallowed and as he removed his hand from his face she saw his busted lip ”You came” he must’ve known that things between her and Bellamy weren’t good if he was so surprsed to see her. He seemed tired and very much broken, but relieved as well. 

Clarke never though John Murphy of all people would be happy to see her.

On the couch near Bellamy’s head, whose face she still couldn’t see, there was Monroe pressing a towel to his forehead. He didn’t seem to be conscious and the only thing she could recognize were his old black trainers, reassuring her that it was him, which made her world spin a little.

“Come on in, please” Harper brought her back to earth as she closed the door behind her and gently put her hand on her arm, pushing her gently forward. Clarke didn’t need much to get over herself and go back to her doctor mode, ignoring everything else concerning her feelings to the man lying on the couch.

She first headed towards Murphy, wanting to asses his wounds but he just shook his head and nodded towards his friend.

“I’m fine, it’s just my nose” he explains, his voice hoarse and somewhat broken ”He took most of it” he explains when Clarke sighs and finally gets to him. 

She tries to give Monroe a ressuring smile before she takes the bloody cloth away from her face and asks her for some space. She hears Harper scold her away but she doesn’t pay much attention to it. She focuses on his pale face instead. 

God, he has changed so much for just two weeks. How was that even possible? More like…how was it possible for him to get worse in that time? She tried to push those thoughts away and focus on the big gash on his head instead. His blood has colored the pillow they have pushed under him and his face was half covered in red. She pressed the cloth back to it and decided to check his pupils which is when he moved.

She saw him opening his eyes and look around unable to make sense of anything. When he seemed to be able to focus he looked surprised.

“Clarke?” he let out through hitched breath and she shushed him as she started taking things out of her bag

“Harper, you need to give me a hand, I have to stitch him up” she turned around only to see the blond girl rushing by her side before she had even finished the sentence

“Clarke” he mumbled again

“Shut up, idiot, I have to fix this” she scolds him ”Don’t make it harder for me” he attempts at smiling but when she presses the gauze to his wound he winces again. 

It’s deep and he has lost some blood but she hoped he’ll be fine without needing a transfusion. At that he closes his eyes again and much to her relief she lets her work on the stitches. She knows that is’pretty hard for him to make sense of anything right now because he was hit pretty bad and not only there, she noticed him breathing hard and keeping his hands on his stomach, so when she finally finishes off her hard work on the stitches and places a bandage on the right side of his head she lifts up his shirt and Harper gaspes next to her as she sees the bruises already forming on his chest.

“Will he be alright?” Monroe asks worriedly, this time from near the armchair where she’s helping Murphy

“He has a concussion” Clarke explains as she looks away from his body ”Can you get me some ice?” she asks of Harper who nods and leaves them just for a minute before returning back with the order ”You should’ve taken them to the hospital.”

“Bellamy refused” Murphy lets out as she finally gets to him as well. She decided she will check Bellamy for any other injuries later. She didn’t plan on leaving them anyway ”And it wasn’t because he was stubborn.”

“What do you mean?” she asks confused as she brushes away the blood from his nose and makes him hold the ice on his eye. Murphy refuses to respond and looks down with his only one opened eye

“Murphy who was it?” Harper asks instead breaking up the heavy silence. Clarke keeps glancing at Bellamy, who seems to have fallen back ”What the hell even happened out there?“

“I don’t know” Murphy whines out while Clarke checks his pupils as well and Harper opens her mouth to oppose him ”I mean it, I don’t know, but he does” he nods at Bellamy ”He recognized them, whoever they were.”

“How many?” Monroe furrowed her eyebrows at him

“Two, I believe,but they were strong. He pushed me behind him, tried to protect me. I couldn’t even see what was happening half the time and before I knew it they’ve knocked me on my back.” Clarke sighed as she stared at his almost completely blind eyes and let go of him

“Why would anyone want to attack you, Murphy?” Clarke asked tiredly. It’s not that she didn’t believe him, she just couldn’t make any sense of it. 

They were two broken vets who couldn’t do harm to anyone but themselves. And as she thought about it, she remembered the talk that Bellamy had with that captain in his apartment and somehow she wasn’t so sure.

“Hell if I know” Murph responds tiredly and lets her bandage him up as much as she could in silence, after which she sends him to bed. Monroe leads him to the bedroom and Harper asks Clarke to the kitchen so she could clean herself up and they could talk. But there isn’t really much to discuss-the boys came over, they all had fun until midnight when Bellamy said they have to leave and half an hour later, when Roma headed to her own place, she found them right around the corner, beaten up and left in the alley to bleed. 

"I’m sorry we dragged you into this" Harper apologized once again "I really didn’t know what to do and Bellamy was literally trying to fight me off on driving them to the hospital. He seemed pretty determined and Murphy suggested I call you."

"I’m glad you did, so please, don’t apologize" Clarke ressured her "I just…don’t understand why anyone would want to hurt them." Harper didn’t have anything to say to that, but Clarke couldn’t figure if she had her own opinion on things or if she just really didn’t know what to say.

When she made it clear that she won’t leave Bellamy’s side, Harper sighted and gave her a blanket before heading to her own room while Clarke settled on the armchair where Murphy was only an hour ago. It wasn’t even ten minutes since she’s settled down by his side when he opened up his eyes. He still seemed really confused and very drowsy .

"Hey, no moivng, Lieutenant"she scolded him when he got restless under the blankets. His look was so disorientated, it hurt her to see him so lost, reminding her of that unfortunate night when he accidentally hurt her.

"Clarke, what happened?" he seems to be even more confused than the first time he saw her "Where are we?"

"You’re at Harper’s and she called me after they found you beaten up in the alley around the corner" she explains even though she’s sure that be tomorrow he’ll remember everything "Do you recall anything?" he squeezes his eyes for a minute, before he raises his hand to his head and she has to grab it before he can touch his bandage

"Murphy-"

"Is fine, sleeping" she assures with a light smile

"I can’t" he takes a deep breathe before looking up "I can’t feel my leg, Clarke." he sounds scared and for a moment so is she before she pushes away the blanket and then slowly rolls him to his side so she can look at his back only to see that whoever did this to him, they obviously knew where to hit him to make him hurt. 

"He used a baseball bat" Bellamy mumbles when she touches the heavy bruising on his back.   
They haven’t hit him just a few times aiming for one particular spot-it’s like they wanted to make sure he gets as fucked up as possible, because the bruises spread from the middle all the way to his lower back and it made the ones on his chest look like scratches. Her eyes filled with tears at the sight of this, but she hurried to brush them away and grabbed a syringe from her bag, scolding herself for not checking this earlier.

"I can fix it" she promises him as she gives him the last of the morphine she has with her before rolling him back and pulling the blanket up "Should make you feel better" she avoids his look as she throws the rest of her things in the bag.

When she finally feels like she can look at him again, she sees that he had closed his eyes but he’s not sleeping. At least the medicine was kicking in. She puts her hands over his resting on his chest.

"Bell" she asks him "Who did this?" he opens his eyes and looks at her with his drowsy eyes, the dark circules under which scare her. She wonders if he got any sleep in those two weeks while they didn’t talk.

"You are beautiful, Clarke" he says instead and she completely loses her words at his statement, because he sounds so…sincere. But then again this must all be just the stupid painkillers.

"Bell, I am serious" she sligthly squeezes his hand

"So am I" he admist again "I just couldn’t say it before."

"Why not? You weren’t high on morphine?"

"Because your heart belonged to someone else" he completely blows her away again "And because I didn’t want to do this to you. None of it"

"Do what?" she’s still confused, but his words make her heart desperately want to leave her chest. She hasn’t felt that way in a very long time.

"Hurt you" he swallows hard and for a moment closes his eyes again, probably trying to gather the thoughts of his foggy mind "Like I did" he glances at her wrists again "So I had to push you away" he explains and it finally all becomes very clear to her "And I don’t regret that" she furrows her eyebrows at him "It meant you’ll be safe" he answers her perplexed expression-I just regret the way I did it.

"Bell I-"

"I’m sorry" he interrupts her "I want you to know that. I’m really sorry." she squeezes his hand back and leans closer to him, brushing away the curl from his forehead before sliding it down and cupping his cheek

"It’s okay, Bell, I forgive you" she reassures him and she feels him relax a little under her touch but he’s still gripping her hand, refusing to let her go "And I am sorry too. You're not a coward. You're not any of the things I called you that night" he shakes his head as if he wants to tell her that it doesn’t matter "Now go to sleep." she orders as she attempts to pull back but he opens his eyes worriedly

"Clarke" he sounds like a little child "Are you leaving?"

"No, I’ll stay" she promises with a light smile "I’ll be right here." he smiles and closes his eyes again and she doesn’t let go of his hand. Instead she leans he head on his chest as she listens his heartbeat calm down as he drifts away and she can’t stop wondering who on earth would want to hurt the boy who only ever wanted to save everyone he knew?

 

 

“Clarke?” she hears someone calling her and lazily opens her eyes only to see Murphy and his absolutely busted face stare down at her before she realizes she has literally fallen asleep sitting on the floor, her back pressed to the couch, Bellamy’s hand in hers. 

She stayed by his side all night and tried to make him as comfortable as she could. The pain killers wore off faster than she hoped they would and he kept falling in and out. They didn’t talk much after that time he first came back to his senses and apologized. Instead they mostly just held hands. He couldn’t bring himself to admitting he’s in pain and instead looked for her hand. She couldn’t bring herself to tell him she has no idea how to fix him, so instead she squeezed his back

”Hey, you alright?” he asked and for the first time since they met, Murphy talked to her in a non-mocking way.

“Better than him” she responds as she finally manages to fully open her eyes and look around to find Bellamy still asleep. In the morning light his face looked even paler ”What’s the time?”

“Almost eleven” Murphy announces as he helps her get on her feet ”Harper and Monroe left for work but they said we can stay as long as we need to” Clarke nods and looks at his face realizing how bad he was too. She picks his chin up and checks out the swelling

“You need more ice for this” she notes and he smiles, pulling away from her

“I’m fine. What are we going to do about him?” he brushes her off as he takes a few steps back and crashes in the armchair ”How bad is it?”

“I have to take him to the hospital. Without an x-ray I can’t say how bad the damage to his back is” she sighs as she crosses her hands on her chest ”And we have to call his sister. I can’t keep covering for him. It’s serious this time.”

“We’re not going to the hospital” she hears his weak voice from behind and turns around only to find him trying to sit up, supporting himself on the pillows she’s put under his head last night

“Shut up, she’s not asking you” Murphy intervenes and for the first time Clarke sees him cut off his friend so harsh ”We’ll go” he assures Clarke with a nod ”And we’ll tell Octavia.”

“My sister stays out of this” Bellamy is back at being his stubborn self ”Hell, even you shouldn’t be involved in this! Look at your face, Murphy.”

“First of all, asshole, I’m not asking whether or not you allow me to be a part of it. I am a part of it, because you are my fucking friend. Second of all, I think the Princess over here is capable enough to handle whatever comes her way” Clarke smiles at this but she doesn’t know if he can really see her doing that ”And third, it would be nice to inform us what the hell is going on? Why were those guys there last night? Why did they do this to us?”

Bellamy collapses back on the pillows and sighs, staring at the ceiling as Clarke settles on the coffee table, observing both of them curiously. Bellamy still looked so small to her, with the big bandage on his head and his wrecked body under the thin blanket, he appeared to be I pile of broken hopes that are just somewhat stitched together in a fucked up body that couldn’t keep his owner straight.

“I went to see Kane” he begins and Murphy’s jaw slightly drops at his words

“Come again?” he asks, hoping to have misheard him

”I wanted to give him back the medal. Personally” Clarke grips the edge of the table and her knuckles turn white, a detail that doesn’t escape Bellamy’s eyes

“Tell me, Bellamy” Murphy is back to his sarcastic demeanor in matter of seconds but he’s mad and its obvious” Do you have a death wish or something?”

“Why would you do that, Bell?” Clarke asks calmly instead while Murphy groans and buries his head in his hands, tugging his messy hair as if he was about to pull it off just to get rid of his frustration

“I met Finn’s wife at that vet gathering he didn’t come to last week” Bellamy manages to raise himself on the pillows, he just can’t stand not being able to sit up and feel equal as the rest of the people in the room ”Murphy, she has a kid” he turns to his friend this time but Murphy’s gaze is cold and it leads Clarke to believe that whoever this guy Finn was, Bellamy’s friend hated him ”She found out she was pregnant after he killed himself. She doesn’t even know the whole story…what he did…what I did. They kept it classified and came up with some bullshittery about him dying in battle.”

“Who’s Finn?” Clarke finally manages to squeeze in another question while Bellamy fights to take a breathe with his cracked ribs fighting him on it. She remembers hearing the name when the captain was over at Bellamy’s place and whatever happened obviously was big enough to worry him.

“He’s a fucking asshole who went crazy and started shooting innocent people on one of our missions” Murphy explains as he throws his hands in the air and gets up from the armchair, taking upon pacing nervously up and down

“He killed children too” Bellamy clarifies as he swallows hard ”And I put the gun in his hands so you might as well say I did it.”

“Stop this!” Murphy raises his voice and for the first time Clarke sees him that pissed off ”How many fucking times have we been over this? The guy was crazy and it’s not your fault that some incompetent psychiatrist cleared his ass and send him back on the field.” Bellamy closes his eyes for a moment and Clarke would’ve scolded Murphy for being too harsh on him in this state, but she knew that they had to get to the bottom of this

“And you met his wife?” she continues calmly again and Bellamy opens up his eyes, which always makes it hard for her to look at him. She just has trouble facing all the pain in them.

“Let me guess” Murphy speaks up before Bellamy gets the chance to ”She told you some sob story that you completely fell for.”

“She did none of that. She came to me when she realized I was the captain of the team her husband was in. She just wanted someone to talk to. They have a son, Murphy. A little two-year old boy.” Murphy groans and waves his hand trying to say that Bellamy is not moving him in any way with those words, even though it was obvious he was ”You can say whatever you want, Murphy, but he’s just a kid. War ruined Finn. War fucked us up. But it was our choice. This kid didn’t have one.”

“I understand this Bellamy, but he’s not the first and won’t be the last child who grows without a father, we both are speaking from experience” Clarke winces at the mention of the word father, going back to the time where she lost hers before Murphy’s words bring her back to earth ”You can’t fix everything!”

“They are barely surviving, Murphy!” Bellamy raises his voice, too tired to be angry with him, but still desperate to prove his point ” I couldn’t just…no one is helping them!”

“Don’t tell me you gave them money too?” Bellamy stares at his motionless feet as he refuses to face his friend ”You’re kidding me!”

“What was I supposed to do?”

“You don’t even have enough to buy yourself the meds you need, goddamn you!”

“Okay, how about you two calm down” Clarke intervenes when she realizes that this is no longer some friendly dispute, Murphy is seriously getting pissed off and he looked quite pathetic giving lectures to Bellamy with his broken nose and his swollen face which made him look a lot less serious.

“I’ll calm down when he stops being a stupid compassionate asshole!”

“Murphy!” Clarke raises her voice now, getting tired of this ”That’s enough.” she warns him and he pouts before he crashes back down on the armchair. Bellamy is silently lying on the couch, he was too broken to be mad about anything right now, plus he didn’t really blame Murphy for getting angry at him.

“Okay, let’s go back to the subject then since you’re so determined to piss me off. After you met her you went to Kane and gave him back your medal basically declaring war to the guy who threatened to break you, dare you speak about any of the stuff you’re supposed to forget ever happened?”

“More or less, yeah” Bellamy responds with an exhausted hoarse voice and both Clarke and Murphy figure that he must be getting tired again

“So you’re saying he send those guys to scare you off?” Clarke asks this time, refusing to leave Murphy keep up the conversation

“I’m not saying it, they did” Bellamy clarifies ”They threatened me” he explains but doesn’t clarify what they told him ”So you see why I don’t want you two involved. Or Octavia. I won’t put her in danger.”

“Bellamy, are you stupid? We are in the fucking army, they know everything there is to about you. If they want to hurt your sister they’ll do it whether you tell her or not” Murphy states and runs his fingers through his messy hair, but he doesn’t seem that mad anymore. If anything he’s concerned.

“I still don’t want her to worry.”

“Tell me something fucking new!” Murphy raises his voice again and Bellamy closes his eyes, he seems way too tired all of a sudden and the truth is that he doesn’t know how much longer he’ll be able to keep his eyes open. Clarke notices this so she stretches out and touches the bandage on his head, checking for any bleeding ”I wonder when your compassion and your stupid hero complex to save everyone you ever meet, will get you killed.”

“At least if it does, it will be for the right reasons” Bellamy mumbles opening his eyes only halfway before closing them again, feeling Clarke’s small but warm hands on his face” I’m sorry you got hurt, Murphy” he says next when Clarke is stubbornly shushing him to shut up ”I never meant for this to happen.” he feels like he’ll fall asleep back any minute now, but somehow he’s keeping himself awake one of the reasons for which might be the fact that he doesn’t want to slip back into a lonely oblivion. 

He likes it here with Clarke and Murphy, it makes him feel safe. For the longest time he was used to taking care of himself on his own, but it was nice for someone to just hold your hand. He didn’t really need anything else. The pain he was used to by now, the pain he could handle on his own, but being alone is what killed him more than anything in the world. And now to know that they were right there next to him, made it easier for him to face everything else.

“What are we going to do about him now?” he hears Murphy ask Clarke but he doesn’t look up.

“You help me get him in my car” Clarke says ”We drive him to the hospital and then I call Octavia.”

“Good” Murphy agrees and even though Bellamy can hear them, he just can’t do much but open his eyes every once in a while when he’s not too tired. He is half-conscious when they lift him up from the couch and start dragging him out of Harper’s place. He tries helping them and pulls every strength he has left in trying to make his feet move, but that only results in Clarke scolding him to stop, because he was making it worse for himself.

The next thing he knows, he’s in her car, but he’s in and out of it and the last thing he remembers is seeing her somewhere above him already in her blue scrubs, next to Indra and some big doctor with a long beard and a tattoo on his face. The bright lights coming from the ceiling and the machine beeping next to him tell him they’ve taken him to the hospital and when Clarke leans down and tries to explain something all he could say in return is

“You look like an angel, Clarke” to which she chuckles and he things how her laugh is the best thing he has ever heard.

 

Octavia looks at her brother from afar. She’s still in the hallway, her best friend’s hand on her shoulder squeezing it tightly. 

She has never seen him look so helpless before, but then again she guessed that there were many times he was hurt at war and he was in the exact same place where he was now, which made her heart clench, because she hasn’t realized how used he was to it by now. 

And she hasn’t even noticed how wrong things were with him because ever since they were kids, he was so good at hiding his own pain away in favor of hers. She can still remember him-a ten-year-old skinny boy who would give her half his dinner and urge her to eat more and take her to bed every night, reading her stories instead of their mom because she was constantly working, desperately trying to make ends meet. 

Then she remembers him at thirteen, getting his first job so he could help out with the bills, skipping classes here and there so he could make it in time for his shifts and then coming home to her, with a bright smile on his face, taking her in his skinny arms. 

The thing is she always remembers him being there. He was taking more care of her than their own mother, he held her hand on her first school day, he let her fight the bastard who called their mother slut on her own and then just added a punch in his ribs after she had taken him down. He rocked her win his big arms when she cried after her first heartbreak, he was there for her when she wasn’t sure what she was going to study or even do with her life. 

Which is why she was so hurt when he left after their mother’s death. It’s not like she hasn’t heard their late night talks in the kitchen when they thought she was sleeping-she knew he wanted to join the army before they lost their mother. She was surprised when she heard her mother agree with him, telling him he should join and that he has her blessing. And Octavia hated her for it. She couldn’t understand how a mother was willing to send her son away to die whilst Bellamy seemed to be so fine with it. She truly believed that he thought he was doing something right with his life. And then after the accident and their mother’s death, he hadn’t wasted any time-he left her a week after the funeral and she was so hurt that she didn’t want to hear from him for a long while.

“Hey, he will be fine” Clarke interrupts her thoughts but Octavia doesn’t look at her, she’s still staring at the window of her big brother’s room ”He’ll have to stay here for a few days, but doctor Nyko and Indra are the best and they’ll help him get back on his feet.”

“Can I see him now?” she asks her and Clarke nods squeezing her shoulder one last time before she leaves her, files under arm, a tired expression on her face.

When she gets in and closes the door behind her, he doesn’t wake up for which she’s glad. She feels like she could use some time to think so she heads to the chair next to his bed and slowly silently sits down, taking his hand in hers and kissing his bruised hand. He’s hooked up to machines and there are tubes coming in and out of his body, but the only thing left of him which they haven’t removed are his dogtags, still hanging from his neck, hidden under the hospital gown. They were something she has always hated, because of the thought that one day this might be the only thing left of him she’ll ever get if he was killed or lost somewhere in battle, or blown up like some of the friends he lost and it made her sick only thinking about this.

After a bit he suddenly started moving and she felt him instinctively gripping her hand before he had even opened his eyes.

“O?” he asks a little drowsy from the medications she assumes ”They called you.”

“Of course they did, dummy” she raises up and places a kiss on his forehead as she buries her hand in his messy hair and squeezes his hand ”You feeling better?”

“Yes” he says as he tries to give her a sincere smile.

“You are such a bad liar, brother” her voice is shaky, even though she can’t figure out why. She was relieved that he was awake, lucid enough to talk to her and she knew he’ll get better. He had to. For her ”Want to tell me what happened? And don’t give me the bullshit story Clarke did about you falling pretty bad while you were out with Murphy.”

“It’s true, I-”

“Bell, don’t!” she interrupts him trying not to be angry with him. He was doing all this to protect her. She gently raises his hand up ”Your knuckles are bruised. You fought someone.” he swallows hard and for a moment he doesn’t say anything. 

“It’ll be fine” he promises her as he reaches to cup her cheek ”I promise, O.” she has no idea how he thinks he can promise her anything. He could barely walk, did he still think he could fight everyone who stood in his way? Did he realize that he didn’t have to? She was all grown up now, she could take care of herself. 

“Why didn’t you tell me you had such bad nightmares, Bell?” he looks up after closing his eyes for a moment, raising his eyebrow at her

“Clarke ratted me out?” she shakes her head at him

“Murphy. He said you’re getting worse, that you could use help. Real help. And here I am just wondering why on earth you didn’t say anything to me?” he sighs, she can see that he doesn’t want to stall or play games, he’ll be honest with her

“I just thought that I could handle it on my own.”

“You shouldn’t have to.” he nods, agreeing with her and she decides not to push any further for the moment, she could talk with him about it more when he recovered and got back home.

“Let’s change the subject, can we?” he asks after he catches her staring somewhere behind him, obviously still thinking about his problems when she shouldn’t be

“Sure” she flashes him a devilish smile which is how he knows she’s up to no good ”Wanna tell me what’s going between you and Clarke?”

“What do you mean, nothing’s going on between us”?” he feels his heart clench a bit at the thought of Clarke. They might’ve apologized to each other but he still felt pretty bad about hurting her the way he did in the first place.

“Please, Bell. I might be working too much lately, but I know something’s up when I see it. First you watch movies together, then you get her a puppy, then all of a sudden she forbids me from mentioning your name in her presence and you disappear over at Murphy’s place for two weeks. Now she’s the one who calls me to give me that bullshit lie about you falling. So do you want to explain or?”

“It’s complicated” he just huffs and stares up at the ceiling withdrawing his hand from hers, which is how she knows something’s really torturing him when it comes to Clarke

“But you do have feelings for her?”

“O, don’t” he warns her and eyes her carefully

“Why not? Would it be so bad?” she doesn’t mind her brother falling for someone. She’s actually happy that this someone got to be her best friend. 

“Yes, actually, it would be” his answer surprises her and she looks at him confused ”I’m too fucked up, O. All I’ll end up doing is hurt her and I will never let that happen again.” Again, he said. So there was something going on between them, something happened to make him regret his choices.

“I think that’s bullshit” she calls him out on his stupidity ”I think that you know far too well how uncertain everything is in our lives, I think you know that wasting time is just wrong. So don’t waste your time with her. Either do something or let her go, because even though you’re my brother, she’s my best friend and I’ve seen her hurt far too many times.” she puts her hand over his again and looks him in the eye seriously ”I don’t intend to witness it again. So…do right by her.“

“Relax, I don’t plan on doing anything” he turns his head away and closes his eyes again, feeling tired still but not wishing to fall asleep. Octavia senses his hesitation because she gets up from the chair and sits next to him on the bed, holding his hand in hers

“You can go to sleep, Bell” she says gently ”I won’t leave you alone.”

“Thanks, O” he smiles as he mumbles before completely dozing off and disappearing into the darkness, hoping for all his demons to stay away from him. 

 

“Come on, Bell, you can do this” he takes in a deep breath as he looks up at her. 

She’s just a feet away from him, trying to keep him from falling, but letting him do this by himself, after he asked her and reassured her he needed to be able to feel like he’s still capable of this. Of walking on his own. 

They’ve spent the last hour doing physical therapy with Indra and his other doctor Nyko, who was somewhat of a gentle giant and who didn’t talk too much but also didn’t scold him. He left that to Indra and Clarke, who would attack him whenever he took the liberty of tiring himself too much or trying to walk off without anything supporting him. Which was exactly what he was doing now too. 

After the tiresome hour he spent with them all, he asked Clarke if she could spare a few more minutes just with him. He was currently trying to walk the short distance between him and Clarke in the rehab centre’s big room. There were two walking bars on both of his sides which he was supposed to use so he could lean on them instead of his crutches, but he was currently being stubborn enough to try and stabilize himself on his feet without anyone’s help. Clarke was of course right before him so she could catch him if he lost his balance

”Remember, you can use the bar any time.”

“I know” he says through teeth as he attempts at moving hus fucked up leg at her and actually succeds not without letting a painful groan with it ”I can do this” he adds as he takes another step forward, her hands nervously willing themselves to stay put ”I can.”

“I know you can, Bell” she supports him with a smile and he loves her for it. 

It’s been a painful week in which he’s gotten himself out of bed every day and come to this damn room. Most of the times with her. But she also had surgery and other matters to attend to so in the evening or early in the morning he would usually be here with either Indra or Nyko. They both claimed that he won’t be able to heal after this without a surgery. Clarke was the only one who believed he could do this. Even though she scolded him a lot too, especially when he tired himself too much

”But if you think you’re pushing yourself too much then you should stop, okay?”

“Not yet” he opposes her, he can feel the sweat coming down his face, but he doesn’t have the time or energy to raise his hand and wipe it off. He just wants to keep going, all he had to do was take three steps and he’ll be right at the end of this damn thing and next to her ”Just give me a second” he asks of her as he stops for a moment and grabs the bars, taking a few deep breaths. He could make it.

“Take a minute” she smiles at him and he can’t believe that she’s not fighting him on this. He sees the usual worrysome crease on her forehead though and he furrows his eyebrows ”You okay there?” she asks as he realizes that he might be showing out the fact that he hated making her worry.

No, my back is on fire and my leg doesn’t want to move-he thinks, but I won’t ever stop.

“I can give you some water if you want?” she suggests but he shakes his head harshly and lets his hands leave the railing as he takes another step. He feels his chest lighter for a moment, blinded by his small success and then when he tries to take another one, just as he had looked up and waved his hope in her face, his knee buckles and he feels himself falling. She’s there right away, her strong arms holding his wrecked body under his armpits while he grabs the railing with his hands.

“You’re okay, you’re fine” she hurries to whisper in his ear and he closes his eyes as he swallows hard-another failure. ”You’re good, Bell.”

“I know, Princess” he whispers back ”I’m all fine.”

“Next time, you’ll kick ass, you’re just too tired now” she says as she pulls away from him in order to look him in the eyes but their noses brush and he’s still not back up on his feet and she can’t keep him up like this for long either so he pushes his knees to the ground so he could lift his weight off of her. 

Her hands don’t leave him though, they stay on his torso and only slightly move down to his waist as he tils his head to the side in shame, refusing to look her and show her his pain.

She takes his chin and moves his head in her direction, staring him right in the eyes

“You did well, Bellamy” she whispers and he nods after a minute or two spent staring in the deep blue ocean of compassion that were her eyes to him right now. 

He swallows hard-all he wants is to lean down and collide her lips with his, he wants to pull her body next to his chest, to feel her hands on his back, but instead, after a long moment of silence, she just hugs him and he buries his head in the crook of her neck, letting a small tear slide down his cheek.

For he was weeping not because he didn’t kiss her.

But because he didn’t know he would be capable of ever loving anyone again before he met her. And here she was, so beautiful and full of light before him, pulling up his darkness in her embrace, letting him lose his desperation in her wholeness. And he realized in that moment how hard he was falling for someone he could-no…should never have. 

And all he wanted to do right there was say fuck it-I’ll kiss her! I’ll just let myself be happy for a moment. He wanted so desperately to pull away from her embrace only so he could brush his lips against hers.

But then he knew it wouldn’t be fair to her. Because he might be falling, but she wasn’t. She was still healing from everything that happened to her with Lexa and the fact that she was helping him shouldn’t be mistaken for her showing affection.

With his heart broken, he gently pulled away. He didn’t want to give her any more of his darkness. He didn’t want his tears, the ones she didn’t even get to see, soak her shirt.

“I think I want to go back to my room now” he says and avoids her look, but with the corner of her eye he sees her nod. She helps him get up and he supports himself on the bars before she gets the wheelchair next to him and helps him settle down. 

He hated that he had to be this helpless, but he can’t think about that now. He lets her take care of him and by the time she’s wheeling him down the hallway he’s still silently sullking and staring down at his lifeless feet. He only agreed on staying this long here because Murphy and Clarke as well as Octavia insisted on it. But ever since the talk he had with his sister, he was stubbornly trying to deny his feelings and then every time he saw her, his heart threatened to burst out of his damn chest.

“Wanna go and grab some muffins from the cafeteria?” she suggested, leaning down close to him, her voice attempting to cheer him up. He knew she was doing this for him, her shift was over by now, but he couldn’t say no to her. He was willing to lie to her that he’s feeling better so she could go home and rest.

“Okay” he flashes a fake smile at her and she seems to be buying it because she speeds them down the hallway

“Hey, hey, they’ll give us a ticket for the speed you’re driving with, young lady” he warns her and hears her chuckle

“I don’t see any wheelchair police over here Bell, so we might as well break the law while we’re at it.”

“Good, I agree, but if you do this at least go hard or go home, Griffin. My dead grandma is faster than this shit.” he hears her grunt behind him, pretending to be annoyed and then she’s practically running down the hallway trying to navigate between doctors or patients who have left their rooms for a small walk. 

It wasn’t such a busy floor and they were about to make it to the cafeteria when Doctor Nyko blocked their way and Clarke had to pull all her strength into stopping before crashing right into him.

“Doctor Griffin, are you by any chance trying to kill someone in this hallway or are you attempting a career as a Formula 1 driver?” he asks with the most patient yet a little bit scolding voice which makes Clarke so embarassed she has to look away just like a child caught stealing cookies from the kitchen before dinner.

“I’m sorry, doctor it was my fault” I attempt at saving our asses ”I was hungry and I wanted to go to the cafeteria.”

“You should be in bed, Mr. Blake. Actually, you should’ve gone back to your room about an hour ago.” he scolds him as well as he checks his watch ”But I’ll let you pass since you’re so terribly hungry.” he adds when he sees both Bellamy and Clarke giffing him their puppy eyes. He was a good man, he couldn’t keep up his facade for long with those idiots ”And you doctor Griffin, I advise to go home since you have an early shift again tomorrow and despite the excessive amount of energy you seem to have, you could use some sleep.” Clarke nods and stays silent until Nyko passes by them, murmuring “stupid kids” as he goes, making Clarke and Bellamy laugh silently until he’s out of sight and then they burst out.

“I think the man is right, you are a great driver, Clarke, you could swipe away a fucking tank if given the chance to” he jokes and she shakes her head as she starts pushing towards the entrance of the cafeteria again, but as soon as they find a table he stops her by putting his hand over hers and nodding lightly, telling her he got this.

“Take a seat, princess” he nods at the free table and heads over to the counter himself. 

She smiles and shakes her head at him as she watches him pick up muffins and coffee for him and hot chocolate for her. “Because you have to sleep, princess” he would always say and no matter how much she was annoyed by his presense before, now she was running out of excuses to spent time with him. 

She took away the nurses’s jobs when she wasn’t in surgery-she came to give him medication or to scold him to eat, even though he always frowned like a kid because “The food is disgusting and that’s coming from someone who was in the army” he grunted and it always made her laugh. 

She would often come by and find Murphy there too, in which case she wouldn’t always interrupt them unless Bellamy accidentally saw her passing by his hallway. 

Sometimes they talked about their own stuff, military things, operations, hard to pronounce abbreviations she couldn’t begin to decipher and so she left them on their own after making sure everything was fine. 

On couple of occasions she heard them talk about some lakehouse that was apparently owned by Murphy and where they used to go once a year. They seemed to be planning a trip there for a while but with their health conditions deteriorating they’ve postponed it. 

She had smiled as she listened to them talk about finshing trips or shootings in the woods. “I don’t want to ever shoot a living creature again” Bellamy had said “But I don’t mind testing my ability to aim at some trees” to which Murphy had agreed, claiming he’ll beat his ass in that even without glasses on. They dreamed of having a few good days to themselves and Clarke couldn’t blame them. Looking at the man who was wheeling himself with a tray in his lap, smiling at her despite everything, she knew he could use the distraction.

“Here you go” he handed her the warm cup and the cupcake as he pulled himself closer to the table. She ignored his wince as he tried to get himself comfortable in the chair. She knew it was no point to argue with him or his pain now, she would just have to get him to his room soon.

“Thanks” she smiled geniunely and watched him dig in his mufffin ”So, not to adress the elephant in the room but-”

“If this is about Octavia’s monthly dinner, I already told her that I’m skipping that shit this time and there’s nothing you could do abou it” he cuts her off before she can finish her sentence which makes her roll her eyes.

“That’s not what I had in mind, but now that you mention it, it’s a pretty dick move coming from you.”

“It’s not. I’m tired of it.”

“You’re not tired of it, you’re just pretending to be too much of a prideful asshole because you don’t want to come to it in a wheelchair” she cuts to the chase and he places down his cardboard cup staring down at his big hands for a moment ”Which I honestly don’t understand, considering how awesome our friends are”.

“Not now, Clarke” he begs of her to leave the subject alone. He doesn’t want to talk about it and she knows better than to push it now. He could be a total pain in the ass when he struggled with his back being on fire ”ust spill what you had in mine beforehead.”

“I was going to ask about Kane” his eyes snap up to her and he grips his cup, obviously he wasn’t expecting her to pick this as a subject ”Do you think he’ll try something again?”

“Not that this is the safest place to discuss this” he cleared his throated but then lowered his voice ”But I doubt it, not for a while at least or until I come up with a way to get it back at him” her jaw drops at the last sentence and he avoids her look on purpose, knowing that she’ll judge him for this

“Are you really that stupid, Bellamy?” she responds angrily ”You provoked him and you ended up in a hospital, do you really think that next time he’ll let you walk out of this alive?”

“He hurt my friend” Bellamy says through teeth, his eyes are full of irritation and uncontrolled ange ”Nobody does that and gets away with it.”

“He will hurt you! He can hurt your family too!” she tries arguing, knowing that bringing Octavia up can soften him, make him realize how wrong this was ”Do you really want that?”

“He won’t hurt my sister. I’ll make sure of that.”

“But you can’t! You can’t be sure, because he found you and Murphy in some godforbidden small alley and beat the shit out of you!”

“I said, that I’ve got my sister covered!” he raised his voice and she searched for the answer in his eyes but couldn’t find it so she just sighed and leaned back on the chair ”I don’t mean to be rude, but this is none of your business” despite the fact that his voice cracked a bit as he said that, it still hurt her ”I’ve got it handeled.”

“Fine, but next time you get your ass kicked, you won’t be calling me, do we have that cleared, Blake?” she emphasized on his name and he swallowed hard, looking regretful for being so rude

“Yes, I won’t involve you in it anymore” he promises

“Fine” she gets up abruptly from her seat and grabbed her phone, shoving it in her pocket. He could be so unebelievably headstrong sometimes, she wanted to just kick his ass herself ”I have to go now, I have an early shift and I should walk Sunshine and Ares” she was taking care of his dog this week, insisting on lifting the burden off his sister’s shoulders. 

Before he could say anything or apologize she started walking away so he had to abandon the table and use his hands as fast as he can to turn the wheelchair in her direction and grab her wrist. The moment he does, he has a flashback to the night her hurt her so bad that he left bruises, ones that had mostly faded but he could still notice so he lets go of her hand, but at least he has her attention.

“Clarke, wait” he begs of her ”I’m sorry, I…I don’t mean to be a dick, I just don’t want you to get hurt.“

“You know, Bellamy, I’ve got the assumption that after all this time we have become friends, yes?”

“Of course we’re friends!” he responds without any doubt. He might be falling for her, but what he loved most for now, was the connection he had with her. She was his friend first. 

“Well, then how do you expect me not to get hurt if you get hurt, asshole?” he looks away, ashamed at himself and his terrible behavior.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to say it like that” he responded honestly and looked her in the eyes as he said that, but as soon as he was over he stared back at his feet and waited for her to leave.

Except she didn’t, instead she kneeled down and put her hands on his legs and he hoped he hadn’t blushed right in front of her from her touch. Lately whenever she was casually putting her hand on his arm or shoulder or just came by to check the bandages on his head or just his back, he felt like someone was lighting a torch inside of him. He burned from her fingers even slightly brushing against his skin.

“Next time, think first, okay?” she suggest with a weak smile and that’s how he knows she forgave him ”Do you need help getting to your room?”

“I’ve got it” he promises with a light smile himself and watches as she rises up. He surely didn’t expect her to lean down and give him a kiss on the cheek before leaving.

He had absolutely no idea what she said after she pulled away and diappeared down the hallway.

All he was sure of was how fucking screwed up he was. And it had nothing to do with his inability to stay alone on his feet for two minutes.

Then again it had much more to do with a girl who just friendly kissed him on the cheek and made his heart burst into a million pieces.

“Goddammit, Bellamy, get yourself together” he mumbled to himself earning a few curious looks from the doctors and nurses passing by him as he finally wheeled himself out of the cafeteria.

He couldn’t fall asleep for hours after that.


	8. The letter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading and I am really sorry for taking so long to update. I had some personal issues and now with college starting it's been a bit hard for me to find time, but I hope you enjoy this chapter and that you're still interested in the story!

“What’s up, Blake, getting tired over there?” he hears Murphy joke as he keeps on putting all his strength in trying to beat the shit out of him. His friend had passed by earlier this afternoon to see him and because they were in the rehab room, Murphy crashed on one of the free wheelchairs while Bellamy struggled to keep himself on the bars. Eventually when he got too tired to do so, Murphy suggested they did a race with the wheelchairs in the hallway and since it was Sunday and there weren’t many visitors or even doctors who could scold them, Bellamy went for it.

“In your dreams, Murphy” he mumbled as he kept on pushing as his friend laughed beside him ”I’ve been doing this for a week now, I’m a pro” technically he had first mastered the wheelchair in the field hospital after he managed to get himself out of bed, but his friend wasn’t really able to see him back then, with a bandage wrapped around his head and all. Not that it was much better now either, Murphy’s world was a blur most of the time. And he wasn’t getting any better.

“Show-off” Murphy grunted when they were approaching the end of the hallway and just as Bellamy was about to turn left and yell victoriously when a halo of blond hair and a very short angry Clarke stopped right in front of them with her arms crossed over her chest. 

He did his best to stop on time but Murphy was too surprised to be able not to crash in the wall which only earned him some scolding from Bellamy’s side. 

“Hell if I know how to stop this thing. Why are you yelling at me?” Murphy protested

“Use your damn legs for once, at least you can do that” he was joking but his friend could hear the saddness in his voice

“And what exactly are you two doing out here if I may ask?” Clarke finally speaks up when Murphy glues himself out of the wall and wheels back to his friend who’s currently rubbing the back of his head nervously

“Murphy was…uhh helping me get back to my room?” he tried the lamest excuse ever

“You idiot, your room is in the opposite direction” Murphy whispered making Clarke smile ”You are such a bad liar” the words reminded Bellamy of his conversation with his sister about Clarke so he just jabbed his elbow in Murphy’s ribs as a revenge.

“I’m sorry, Clarke. We were just fooling around” he apologizes sincerely and she sighs

“I’ve been trying to find you for twenty minutes, Bell. You were supposed to be in your room so doctor Nyko can take a look at you. Instead I got the scolding because you weren’t there.”

“Is he letting me out?” Bellamy asks optimistic ignoring the last part of Clarke’s speech as he wheels himself closer to her. He was supposed to stay just for a few days not a whole week and being here took his toll on him. He hated the place ”Can I go home?”

“I don’t know yet. You might’ve gotten an answer to this question were you in your room right now” she proceeds on scolding him but she’s just genuinely worried and relieved that she found him ”Come on, let’s get going” she suggests and he starts wheeling himself in the opposite direction towards his room after he said his goodbyes with Murphy by patting his shoulder. 

Clarke just shook her head-she would never get boys, especially those two boys, and she wasn’t trying to anymore. Just when she was about to head after Bellamy, she felt Murphy’s hand on her wrist and she almost jumped around surprised.

“Hey, Clarke, can you give me a minute?” his voice was no longer cheerful or joking, he was serious and that caught her attention, even though she was ready to blow him off before. She spared a glance at Bellamy who was almost on the other side of the hallway, not even bothering to look back right now, which was in their favor

“What’s up, Murphy?” she asks confused ”I don’t have much time here.”

“I know. Just…” he stood up from the wheelchair, something Bellamy couldn’t do on his own which made her heart hurt a little, until she stared at Murphy’s misty almost blind eyes and she wanted to slap herself for forgetting he was just as bad ”Is he doing alright?” she has seen Murphy worried before but she figured there was something else going on now too ”He seems really tired.”

“We are doing our best, Murphy” she shoves her hands in her pockets, not really sure what to tell him. Nyko didn’t want to make a surgery until his back has healed completely and that would take a while and Bellamy himself refused to let them operate. She hoped she could change his mind with time.

“I know you are” he nodded ”I was wondering if after you discharge him I can take him up to the Lake house. I think we both could use it” she had heard them talking about this now for a while but she was honestly kind of worried at the thought of leaving them two alone in a house in the countryside was scaring her a bit. 

They were both too screwed up to be left on their own. Not that she didn’t trust them, they could take good care of themselves when they weren’t drunk or too sad to roll from the couch but right now they weren’t in a good place. Especially Bellamy.

“I don’t know, Murphy. I think he-”

“Look, I’ll take Emori, she already agreed and you can come too. It’s just for a few days. Monty and Jasper will come for a evening too and we’ll have a nice and decent dinner” he was sugercoating it now and she knew that he was using his sad blind puppy eyes on her and that right this moment, he wanted her to pity them so she could agree, but she also knew he was a good friend and he was right-they could use it. 

She’s caught Bellamy lost in his thoughts too much lately. Apart from the fight, he was really stressed about the whole Kane thing and that wasn’t helping him. Often Indra or Nyko would scold him lightly during physical therapy and he would just stop trying and ask to go back to his room. He had really bad days when she or Octavia would come by and they would find him with his back turned to them, staring at the wall, just thinking or eventually falling asleep, refusing to eat or get up. It fucked Clarke up to see him like that but it ruined Octavia. She felt like he was just losing himself more and more and they weren’t doing anything about it.

”Griffin…I am kind of begging you here” he grunts when she takes a while to respond 

“Fine, alright” she finally agrees and he grants her his brightest smile ”Just promise me you won’t get drunk” his smile immediately dropped and she felt like she’s back on the winning side ”I am serious, Murphy, I wont’go to some house in the middle of nowhere just to watch you two drown your misery in alcohol. I see enough of this as it is every week.”

“Okay, we won’t get drunk” he grunts when he sees that there’s no getting out of this and it’s her turn to smile victoriously.

“Good, then I’ll see you soon I guess” she turns around and heads down the hallway and thinks that maybe this won’t be such a bad idea.

 

 

Turns out, it is a bad idea. Bellamy is being a pain in the ass before they have to leave and he fights with her for two days because he claims to be able to use the crutches and doesn’t need the wheelchair and she has to remind him multiple times that Nyko only discharged him because he promised he’ll won’t be a stupid pain in the ass. 

It all brought her a big ass headache and they fought almost 24/7 even in Octavia’s presence, who was getting tired of their bullshit. He could give her hell one moment and then be the cutest idiot who was trying to make her a cup of tea while she was napping on his couch in the other. 

Honestly…he confused her so much she had no idea what she was doing, but one thing was for sure-she spent a lot of time at his place these last few days. He could try as hard as he wanted to hide his bruises away from his sister, but at the end of the day, before he headed off to bed, it was Clarke that insisted on checking him out and he rarely protested. 

He would only fuss and say he was fine, but he shivered and even slightly jumped whenever she slid her hand down his spine or pressed a particularly more gruesome bruise to check if he was healing. He willingly showed her all his scars and they told her a lot more than when he used his words. 

They got used to speaking with stares, especially when there were other people around them-he would often catch her eyelids drop or her hands shake slightly when she was too tired so he made sure to kick her ass back to her apartment and she would notice how he started trying to find a more comfortable position on either the chair or the couch to know that he is in pain. It was funny how they functioned lately. They could read each other’s minds without putting much effort to it.

“Princess, I think you need to cut it down on the coffee, what do you say?” Bellamy joked when she grabs her cup from the dashboard and takes a big gulp

“When you survive a forty hour shift without sleeping you can judge me.” she grunts annoyed and he chuckles

“I think you forget I was in the army. I got three hours of sleep a night and those were the good days.” she doesn’t know what to say to that because it’s stupid how she forgot that fact, but he doesn’t seem to mind it. Clarke catches him staring at the window and his smile makes her heart swell a little ”I have forgotten how beautiful it is out here” he mumbles as if more to himself than to her

“When was the last time you came?”

“During our last leave” he gets a bit darker when she asks, probably because he remembers all the people who are no longer alive ”We liked to come here and have some fun by ourselves.”

It takes them a while until they make it out of the car and they both pretend not to notice how shaky and unstable he is even with the crutches on. 

“Finally, you bastard, how much longer do I have to wait for you?” they hear Murphy’s voice and when they both look up they see him on the front porch, leaning on the railing, smiling widely, his almost blind eyes staring somewhere in their direction but not really at them.

“Do you have to swear all the time, John?” Emori joins him outside and throws him a judging look as she comes down the stairs and greets Bellamy and Clarke who are slowly making their way to the house.

“Come on, drag your ass here, I’ve prepared the rifles!” Murphy ignores the fact that his friend is barely standing on two feet and that the girls are trying not to watch his every step out of fear that he’ll fall. 

“Rifles? What rifles?” Clarke asks confused as she helps him get up the stairs

“We’re gonna shoot empty beer bottles! That is, if I can see them” Murphy responds as he pats his pocket where his glasses are sticking out

“You wanna learn too, princess?” Bellamy turns to her while he takes the final step and stops for a minute to catch his breath before going in while Murphy is already making his way to the backyard and Emori is shaking her head as she follows him

“Learn what?” Clarke asks confused, her eyes still fixated on his feet. She monitors his every step and he loves her for it but she needs to stop worrying so his right hand leaves the crutch and pick her chin up

“Stop worrying so damn much” he scolds gently and she grants him a light apologetic smile ”Come on, I’ll teach you how to hold a rifle” he doesn’t give her the time to protest and instead urges her to get in the house, which she doesn’t even have the chance to enjoy because he keeps nudging her towards the back yard where Murphy has already prepared everything.

“They are too close, how do you even call this shooting?” Bellamy grunts when he sees where Murphy placed the beer bottles

“Shut up, we’ll move them”Murphy scolds him when he passes him the rifles once Bellamy takes off his crutches and tries to keep himself standing without falling. 

“Are you guys sure this is safe?” Clarke asks them cautiously as she stands just a few feet away from Bellamy, afraid he might not be strong enough and fall whilst Emori was still near the stairs, shaking her head at the stupid idiots.

“Safe? We were in the army, Clarke, nothing’s safe there” Murphy jokes as he fires the first time and Bellamy scolds him for not waiting. Surprisingly he hits one of the bottles and immediately starts shoving that fact in Bellamy’s face. That is until Bellamy himself hits three bottles in a roll, leaving Murphy grumpy as hell. They bicker like old siblings and it’s fun to watch them try to poke each other with loaded guns, even though Clarke is freaking out and if it wasn’t for Emori to convince her that they’re fine she would’ve taken those things away from them and ran like hell.

“Ready to be badass, Clarke?” he asks her when they’re done fooling around and he picks his crutches up again, because he’s tired

“What?”

“Come on, try it, it’s more fun when you’re actually holding it” he waves the rifle in a way that suggests she should come closer and with a sigh she agrees. The rifle feels cold in her hands and he smiles because she’s so short yet so damn determined and even lethal to him, when he sees her holding it ”Alright now, spread your legs a little” he puts his one free hand on her waist and she feels the place burning, which only makes her grip the rifle harder ”Since you’re a righty, your left shoulder has to be pointing at the target” she is trying her best to focus on his words, but when he moves his hand from her waist to her shoulder she clears her throat and tries to get her shit together ”Keep in mind that when you fire you’ll be pulled back a little, so that’s why is important to-”

“I’ve got it, Blake” she cuts him off not because she wants to be rude, but because if he keeps it up that way, she might misfire and shoot herself in the leg or something. He smiles and lets her go watching her shoot”That was…awesome!” she exclaims even though she missed the target and when she turns around to look at him he chuckles at her expression ”I wanna do it again.”

“Go on then” he nods still smiling as he picks up his other crutch and stays close behind her. Murphy and Emori are back on the porch watching them and eating french fries which Murphy throws at them every now and then alongside some bad joke. 

“Hey, Clarke, wanna help me set the table?” Emori asks her and Clarke nods, but before she passes the rifle back to Bellamy she whispers

“This was fun, Lieutenant. We have to do it again.”

“You’ve got it, Griffin” he avoids her eyes because he’s afraid that if she looks there, he might not be able to hide how much he wants to finally kiss her, so he lets her go and watches her disappear in the house.

“Careful” Murphy says when he approaches his friend ”You’re drooling.”

“Shut up, Murphy!”

 

 

The table was almost set when the girls heard the yells coming from outside. Emori surprised Clarke, by dropping the few forks she was holding on the floor and running outside, murmuring some curse under her nose angrily and before she knew what was going on, the girl was rushing through the back door. Clarke had no idea what the hell was happening, but she assumed that Emori saw something through the window above the sink and considering the yells that weren’t stopping, she assumed the boys have gotten themselves in some kind of trouble.

But what Clarke surely didn’t expect was seeing Bellamy and Murphy on the ground fighting each other, yelling at their faces.

“What the fuck do you want from me! I know that I can’t see it!” Murphy is on top of Bellamy but only for a short moment before the latter pushes him off and the roles get reversed

“I never said a goddamn thing, Murphy what the fuck is your deal!” Bellamy yells as he grips his collar.

“What are they doing?” Clarke asks and doesn’t think twice before she starts rushing down the stairs in order to stop them, but Emori grabs her wrist and pulls her back as gently as she can

“Don’t!” she warns ”John has told me they always do this-they fight to get the anger out and then they make up.”

“Are you sure?” Clarke refuses to look away from the boys on the ground who keep trying to hurt each other.

“That’s the thing” Murphy keeps yelling when Emori takes another step down so she could be on the same level as Clarke ”You never say anything, Bellamy!”

“What do you want me to say, asshole!”

“I want you to admit that it was my fault Miller is dead now! I want you to say you regret saving me and not going back for him! I want you to hate me, goddammit. Your best friend is dead because of me.”

“You are my best friend, you fucking idiot!” Bellamy sits up only so he can push Murphy away and John ends up on his ass opposite of his friend

“That’s not true and you know it.”

“Why are you being such an asshole right now?”

“Because you are not!” Murphy yells in his face ”You are supposed to hate me! You never got mad at me after we woke up in the damn hospital and all of our friends were dead. You are supposed to be disappointed in me!”

“Disappointed? I gave everything I could to get you were you are now and I still have to stop you from pointing a gun at your head every other week because you want to throw it all away! I am not disappointed, Murphy, I am angry at you!” Bellamy throws himself at his friend and they end up rolling in the grass again, grunting and kicking each other or throwing punches. 

“They’ll hurt themselves, we should stop them” Clarke says frantically, but Emori places her hand on her shoulder

“Give them a few more minutes. They need to clear things out.”

“You are angry at me? I want to kick your ass, Bellamy!” Murphy yells as he tries to push him off. Clarke doesn’t even know where they find the strength to do this. Bellamy was hardly standing on his feet just minutes ago, but she guessed rolling in the ground was better than walking ”You’re such a fucking idiot, you never take care of yourself!”

“I do!”

“Shut up!”

“You shut up!” Bellamy barks back and Murphy laughs

“That’s the best you can do? Just repeat my insult! You’re so original, I’ll have to shoot you.” Murphy yells and chuckles as he jabs his elbow in Bellamy’s upper back

“That’s the thing-you can’t, because you can’t even see what’s right under your nose. You’re fucking blind because you do not know how to wear a helmet-something they teach you in boot camp!”

“At least I can stand on my own two feet!”

“I would’ve been able to do that were you not an idiot who got blown up.”

“We BOTH got blown up, you smartass! Who decided that you could be a lieutenant?”

“Someone with more brain cells than you, clearly” and they kept it on like that for another ten minutes, just rolling in the grass and yelling at each other, lightly punching one another and barking insults, until finally Murphy made a joke about Bellamy not being able to walk and they burst out laughing in the middle of the damn field. 

Clarke finally let a relieved sigh out and she felt Emori relaxing next to her too-they never even realized how tense they were, but they knew that even though this was all playful, they meant some of the things they said. Finally the boys apologized to one another-well…as far as anyone could call a pat on the back and calling each other idiots, an apology and the girls went to help them get up. 

“You always do that?” Clarke asks when he finally gets back on his feet, his arm throw over her shoulder, his look apologizing

“Yes, only last time there were more people involved. Part of the reason we came here was so we could tell each other the things we’ve been keeping up during our mission” he jokes but his voice shakes a little ”I’m sorry that you had to see this.“

“It’s fine. As long as you didn’t hurt yourself, I could actually accept this and call it therapeutic” he chuckles and she feels his breath on her ear. He stops walking for a moment, needing to catch a break and they both stare at Emori who is scolding Murphy as she leads him to the house and he even trips a little on the way. 

“John is so madly in love, he would let her push him off a cliff if she wanted to” Bellamy commented and when she looks up she notices the sincere smile on his face before he hides it away from her ”He deserves it.”

“Deserves what?”

“To be loved” she furrows her eyebrows at his words but doesn’t get the chance to say anything since he starts walking again and he needs her help in order to move one foot in front of the other. 

She can sense how much he hates this-being so dependent on someone else, but he remains calm and he finds the strength to even joke during dinner, even though he’s so damn tired. 

The both completely shrug it off when they find out that their room has only one king size bed and ignore Murphy’s winks. He comes up with the excuse that this is the only room on this floor and since Bellamy can’t climb stairs they’ll have to take it. The one on the second floor was for Murphy and Emori and the only other free guest room was full of boxes, guns and Murphy’s high school baseball trophies. 

The only problem is that Bellamy really just can’t fall asleep. Especially not with Clarke being such a tossing hurricane in bed. The only time she seems to be calming down, was when she pressed her back to his side and that unfortunately made it even harder for him to fall. 

All he could think about was the fact that he did not deserve her here and yet she could be home, sleeping in her own bed, resting from a week of 40-hour-shifts, but she wasn’t. He couldn’t quite figure out why so instead of torturing himself with thoughts about that, he just stood up and headed outside.

He wasn’t surprised to find Murphy drinking a beer out of a six pack on the porch and he greeted him with a smile, waiting for him to settle down before tossing one in his direction.

“Bad dream?” he asks and Bellamy shakes his head ”Can’t sleep?” he nods this time ”Does this have something to do with a certain blond princess?”

“More like with an ugly old captain called Kane” Murphy raises his eyebrows confused at his friend

“I told you that we should call the police” Bellamy laughs at this

“He has connections and you know it. If we as much as open our mouths to say his name, he’ll shut us down.”

“So what is it that you plan to do? Wait for the next time he corners you in a dark alley and beats you again?”

“I don’t plan to do anything, Murphy” Bellamy takes out an envelope from his jacket and throws it on the table. Murphy stares at it for a moment before picking up the glasses from his pocket and taking it in his shaky hands ”I can’t do anything.”

“What’s this?”

“Open it up.” Bellamy urges him as he cracks another bear opened and takes gulps, caring about anything or anyone at this particular moment. He just wants to stop feeling but he patiently waits until his friend is done reading.

“You’re kidding me” Murphy’s voice is broken, something which surprises Bellamy ”He can’t do that!”

“You mean stripe me off my ranks, take away all the money I made during my last tour as well as the vet medical insurance? He just did it, my friend.”

For a moment both of them remain silent. Murphy keeps staring at the letter, rereading it over and over again and Bellamy finishes off his beer before lighting up a cigarette and staring at the sky, throwing his friend glances every now and then.

“I’ve got nothing” he finally concludes ”Absolutely nothing.”

But he’s wrong. 

Because Clarke’s eyes are filling with tears as she presses her back to the kitchen wall-she has heard everything through the open window above the sink.


	9. The wish

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for sticking with me and for leaving me comments after such a long wait! I hope you get to like this one too!

Early in the morning she found him still outside on the back porch. John was gone and he had never come back to bed, even though she waited for him without coming to look for him, deciding that he needs his space. 

She can’t see him good, because he’s not facing the house-he’s standing, as much as he can, supporting himself on his crutches, one was squeezed under his armpit while he held something in his hand-judging by the air around him and the smell, a cigarette, and the other he was tightly gripping, because it was basically holding up his entire weight. 

He had no shoes on, his feet were bare and they looked too white to her even from the door frame where she was standing, but his jeans, even if old, covered the fact that his legs were somehow crooked and very useless, just like his dark blue sweater hid his heavily bruised back and the scars near his ribs from the wars he fought. 

She slowly made her way next to him. She knew he had heard her-he could always tell, thanks to his military training and the fact that he wouldn’t really be himself if he wasn’t making sure everyone he cared about was safe. 

Even if he knew that there wasn’t anything that could hurt them here-in the middle of nowhere in Murphy’s lake house-he still remained determined to protect them. But a man can only battle the world so many times before he figures out he is bound to fail. And that has wrecked Bellamy.

She doesn’t say anything when she finally gets next to him. She looks him in the face and shivers at the sight of the bruises Kane’s men gave him still so present on his face. He takes a drag from his cigarette, he’s almost at the end of it, but he’s playing with the fact that it could burn his fingers any minute now, just like he’s been playing with his life during war. Harper was right-he has thought he was invincible, that or he just wasn’t afraid to die-and Clarke had no idea which one was worse.

“Bellamy” she finally begins when she realizes he won’t say anything. He was too lost in thoughts, but it’s not like he was doing this on purpose ”Don’t get mad” that finally earns her a look from him for a very brief moment ”But I last night I woke up when you left the room and I…I heard what you and Murphy talked about” that seems to surprise him but only for a brief second. 

His body tenses but he doesn’t look at her-he keeps staring somewhere before him, the grass that he and Murphy rolled into is knee high and she can see that he’s not himself, not right now. But she waits for him patiently and she only comes closer putting her hand over his on the crutch only so she could bring him back to her.

“You know my mom she-” he finally begins, his voice is very hoarse, like he hasn’t used it since he talked to John last night and she knows that this just might be the case, because after she had overheard what he had said to his friend, she also got to listen to Murphy’s rage whilst Bellamy remained calm and completely broken not really saying anything or responding shortly and when he did, his voice was so broken, it just eventually sent Clarke back to bed

”She used to have this friend of hers who had a house with a big yard like that. I loved to go there. She used to take me when she and her friend had to sew and they would leave me playing all by myself. Octavia doesn’t remember this, it was before she was born. It was the best time of my life, I had so much fun, especially when her friend’s son was there too. We would play football or baseball or just hide and seek and we would often hurt ourselves or just steal cookies from the kitchen while our moms weren’t watching. “

“Sounds really nice” she says with a light smile and he nods. She has a good idea why he refuses to look at her-judging by the way the sun was glistening up in his eyes, she could tell there were tears.

“It was” he smiles as he keeps staring before him. He likes the way her hands feels on his, it reminds him he can talk to her and she will understand ”Most of all we loved playing soldiers though” he continues and she listens with interest ”We had this dream how we would become soldiers one day and then when we retire and come home we would open up our own diner and we would sell that apple pie his mom made, it was the most delicious thing ever.” he smiles for just a second and she can’t stop thinking how beautiful it makes him look.

“The boy was Murphy, wasn’t he?” she asks and he shakes his head much to her surprise before he finally turns to look her in the eyes, her hand not moving away from his on the crutch.

“Miller” he explains ”I didn’t meet Murphy until I was ten. He and his mom moved to our neighborhood after his dad died. We became inseparable the three of us.” he looks away from her ”We had our dreams like that. Stupid and maybe a little immature, but they were ours. My point is…I don’t know who to be when I am not a soldier. That’s what I’ve always been my entire life, I’ve always fought for something-for my mom, for Octavia, then for my country. And now it’s all gone.”

“It’s not” she shakes her head in a desperate attempt to convince him ”He might’ve taken your ranks, but you’re still a soldier and you still did all those things, you still sacrificed your life for those you love and anyone who doesn’t see that can go to hell.”

“Clarke” he disagrees with her by quietly saying her name

“No, listen” she wants to make him understand ”You fought for all those people-for your mother, for your sister, for your team. Now it’s time you fight for yourself” her words make his head snap and he stares in her blue ocean of understanding that he always feels good drowning in. She’s the only person he can absolutely lose himself with and still feel fine about it ”You carry too many things on your shoulders.”

“And you don’t?” he asks her with a light knowing smile ”You think I don’t notice this, but I do-you are as ruined as the rest of us, you’re just better at hiding it or you channel all your strength into helping me or Murphy, but I know that you’re tired of things too. I might not know everything that happened with your dad or whatever else is there that you feel guilty about, but I am good enough at reading people to notice it.” she swallows hard, her eyes widden. She’s completely stunned. She has never thought anyone noticed any of this. She hadn’t had any reason to, until he spoke it out loud

“This isn’t about me” she tries again and he smiles, as if he knew she would say that right away. His hand moves from his crutch to her shoulder and he squeezes it lightly as he stares in her eyes

“Maybe it should be” her heart warms at his words and as much as she likes talking to him and sharing stuff with him she knows that he’s doing what he knows best-distracting her from his own pain. It was his thing, she had picked it up by far-he was so good at lying about his own pain that she caught herself believing him on couple of occasions this past week.

“You can’t fool me today, Bell” she smiles when she cups his cheek and he sighs tiredly as he leans forward a bit. 

She feels him too close to her and she can smell the cigarettes and the fresh air coming from him. Her hand slides to the back of his neck and her fingers pass by his rapid heartbeat for just a second to make her breath get stuck in her throat. 

She looks up almost afraid to do so-afraid because she knows she’ll want to kiss him but she’s scared and he sees it-for the first time this isn’t about him being ruined-it’s about her. Her fear of getting her heart broken like last time. She still hasn’t healed and he knew it, so he just gently smiled as he leaned his forehead against hers. 

He could feel the morning sun covering their faces, the warm rays coloring her cheeks, the gentle wind moving her curls and God, it made him wonder how different this could be if they weren’t so damn screwed up. 

If he wasn’t a broken soldier who had no ranks or money and who wasn’t being beaten by his former captain. If he was his whole self, what would happen to them? If he could sway her around the room while they listen to the radio on a lazy Sunday morning like this and then pick her up and carry her to their bed, making love to her while their pancakes burn in the kitchen, would he dare kiss her right now? 

And if her heart wasn’t stomped over like it had been, if she wasn’t drowning herself in work so she would escape her sadness and loneliness then what? Would the fear disappear from her eyes had she not been hurt like that? They were both broken, he only truly realized that when he looked into her eyes right now.

And that just broke him some more.

Her hand on the back of his neck made him feel even warmer and he put all his strength into pulling away from her just by a few inches.

“Bell, we can’t-” she begins but he interrupts her gently

“You don’t have to say anything” he reassures her and she looks down as if ashamed for a moment which he hates-she has nothing to feel bad about. This just wasn’t the universe they could be together in ”I understand.” he promises her and his lips touch her forehead ”I understand you.” he wants her to know that he gets it. They can’t do it now. If ever. And he agrees with her-they are not their best selves and they have too many problems in their lives to make this more complicated.

She pushes herself in his chest and embraces him with her short arms, her hands avoiding the most bruised places of his back because she has a map of blue and black in her head, a map of all his sorrows and she knows how to spare him the pain.

He hugs her as much as he can considering the fact that he’s trying to keep himself up but mostly he just tries to enjoy the warmth she gives him. When she finally pulls back he hates it but he doesn’t have the guts to tell her so.

“We should go inside and talk” she looks him in the eyes, no longer broken but completely serious ”I have an idea” he raises his eyebrow surprised at her but he just fists his sweater and tugs him, urging him to follow her inside.

“Oh, finally, were you two having sex out there? I’ve been waiting for a while” Murphy greets them when they finally make their way in and his words make both Bellamy and Clarke blush awkwardly while their friend seems to be completely oblivious to that fact as he takes a beer out of the fridge and pulls up one of the chairs and crosses his legs on the table.

“Murphy!”

“John!” they both exclaim at the same time, pretending to be outraged, which is just their failed attempt to cover their embarrassment. 

“What? Why are you up my ass right now?” he waves his hands before him confused as to what he did wrong

“It’s too early for beer” Clarke scolds him

“As well as for inappropriate comments.” Bellamy adds

“Oh, well whatever you say” he leans back on the chair ”But I was there when the nurse in the field hospital told you that your back and legs might be fucked up but your dick was still working so I have no idea what you two are waiting for?” he turns at Clarke with his blind eyes ”I’ve heard he’s great in bed”

“Where is Emori?” Clarke hurries to change the subject which only makes Murphy smile victoriously while Bellamy coughs in embarrassment and looks away wishing to just kill his friend right where he is. 

“Still sleeping” he responds as he watches Bellamy make his way to the chair and try to sit without anyone’s help and he almost feels bad for joking around like this ”I kind of tired her last night.”

“Dear God, Murphy, spare me the details, please!” Bellamy cuts him of using his lieutenant voice-harsh and cold, but John doesn’t seem to care, he was used to Bellamy shrugging people off when they became too interested in his personal life. 

He only talked when he was ready to and that was on rare occasions. You could say he wasn’t great at sharing and if he hadn’t known him since he was ten, he probably wouldn’t be aware of half the things that he’s been through. But now he knew better than to pressure him too much-there was a certain kind of sadness in Bellamy’s voice that suggested that Clarke and whatever was going on between them is a forbidden subject at the moment. 

“Alright, fine.” Murphy waves his hands defeated and places his beer on the table before taking out his pack, taking out a cigarette and then throwing it at Bellamy ”Are you going to enlighten us why we’re here, blondie?” he asks Clarke who was making some coffee while the boys bickered and is now finally joining them on the table, intercepting Murphy’s cigarette pass to Bellamy and taking the pack away from him.

“Forget about smoking in my presence, Murphy!” she scolds him when she takes the cigarette off his mouth and then grabs the beer from the table and throws it in the can before he can even think to stop her ”You two can do this in your self-destruction time when I am not there.”

“You’ve got yourself a bossy one, Bellamy” Murphy mutters under his nose and earns a grunt from his friend. This was going to be long and hard and he was already struggling to stay sitting on the chair like this.

“So what’s your idea, Clarke?” he asks in an attempt to prevent anymore bickering from Murphy. She finally stops giving his friend the angry eye and puts her hands on the table, which only makes him wish he could held them, but he somehow prevents himself from doing so. 

“I have this friend of mine” she begins and Murphy takes his feet off the table, preparing to listen to her carefully ”He works for this newspaper in New York and I’ve been thinking how if he comes down here and you tell him your story, he could make something out of it, publish it and then Kane will have nowhere to hide because all the facts will be out in the open.”

“You have reporter buddies now, blondie?”Murphy asks confused

“Yeah, we’ve been best friends since forever. Our families are very close, I know I can trust him or I wouldn’t be suggesting it”

”I don’t like reporters” Bellamy finally chimes in and they both sigh, knowing that in his typical Bellamy fashion he would make this harder for them ”And plus, yeah we can tell the story, but that means Kane can sue me for the Finn incident too. The only reason he agreed to cover this up and let me go is because he didn’t have enough men.”

“We’ll hire a lawyer. I am sure princess over here has a bunch of friends like those too” Murphy suggests

“This is not a joke, John. I am being serious, we can use Wells” she raises her voice slightly in this stubborn so typical of her way in an attempt to explain that this is good ”He’s not some greedy rich asshole like you probably think, Bell” she turns to him, looking him in the eyes ”He’s a good person and he’ll your story like you do, without changing anything.” 

“Wait, wait a second” Murphy’s voice makes her head snap in his direction ”Did you say Wells? As in Wells Jaha?” she nods, not following his question ”General Thelonious Jaha’s son?”

“Yes, is that a problem?” Bellamy laughs as he shakes his head and Murphy huffs defeated while muttering “You gotta be kidding me” under his nose

“Kane and Jaha are old war buddies, Clarke” Bellamy finally explains as he reaches out for his crutches and gets up to drag himself to the fridge ”He would never do anything to hurt him.”

“But he’s not, it’s his son doing it. And he’s not hurting anyone, he’s just telling the truth.” Clarke tries to reason with him

“I don’t want to bring Wells into this mess. He’s your friend, he doesn’t deserve this, plus I’ve already dragged way too many people into a situation that’s mine to handle.” much to her surprise he takes out a bottle of water and not beer out of the fridge and leans on the kitchen counter ”I still stand by my opinion that you and John shouldn’t be dealing with any of this right now.” Murphy groans at this and throws his lighter at Bellamy without really meaning to hurt him, but more like knock some sense into him

“Shut up, Blake, I am too tired for this shit.”

“Because you had sex all night?”

“Hey, be a nun all you want, Blake, but I am not depriving myself of the good old feeling that I get when I satisfy a woman.”

“Is sex all you think about, Murphy?” his friend scoffs 

“That and whiskey, but you get the picture.”

“Stop it!” they both jump when Clarke’s fist lands on the table and they are so surprised by this that they completely lose their words ”Don’t turn this into a joke! This is serious, this is your life, Bellamy!” she points her finger at him ”You need the medical insurance and you know it! You need the money he took from you as well and we have to figure out a way to fix this.” he looks down ashamed of his own behavior before she turns to Murphy ”And you as his friend should know better than to jump in and let him fool you into thinking it’s alright. It’s not alright and I have an idea that works so you two better shut your mouths and agree with me unless you have anything better to say?”

They both just nod, silently agreeing with her, because they are fully aware of the fact that they were being jerks.

 

 

For the first time since they got to the lakehouse, Bellamy was sleeping peacefully, hiding away from the world under a bunch of blankets, since last night he was somewhat cold and had fever, that only made Clarke worry way too much even though this happened all the time and he wasn’t even paying attention to it. 

But she did, and probably that explains why now, she was hugging him from behind, he arm thrown over his chest, her head resting on his shoulder-both of them breathing rhytmically and enjoying their peace.

Clarke was starting to wake up by the sound of the noises Murphy and Emori were making in the kitchen, probably while preparing breakfast, she thought, but she refused to get up. She liked being here like this and even though somewhere at the back of her mind she knew this is wrong and they are way too close to each other than they should be, she was ignoring it, trying to convince herself that she was just helping him out.

A loud bang in the kitchen almost made her jump and even though Bellamy didn’t stir, she could hear loud noises coming from out there. Glancing at the clock on the nightstand, she realized it’s almost noon and she felt somewhat relieved that they got so much rest and she hated the fact that she’ll have to end it all, but Emori’s loud voice from the kitchen somewhat disturbed her and she shook his shoulder gently.

“Bell?” she called him and he groaned, trying to shake her hand off making her raise her brow surprised ”Bell, wake up, something’s wrong.” he immediately opened his eyes at the sound of her worried voice and moved his head up

“What is it?” his voice was so hoarse, she barely made out the words

“I think Murphy and Emori are fighting.” she explains and nods at the door ”Listen.”

“They always fight, let’s just sleep, I am tired.” he whines and burries his head in his pillow, making her feel bad for waking him up after the tiring evening he’s had and she’s about to sigh and lay back down on his shoulder when Emori opens up the door and practically bursts in their room, making them jump off each other as if they were on fire.

“Bellamy!” she says his name as if a pray ”Please come, he’s freaking out!”

“Why? What is it?” Bellamy is already tossing the blanket off and Clarke feels the cold creep in. With whatever strength he has, he grabs his jeans and starts putting them on

“I dropped a plate on the floor and it broke. I don’t know what happened but when I turned around to look at him, he was waving the knife he was holding at me and hiding away in the corner. I think he’s having some sort of flashback” she explains while he gets himself on his feet, completely disregarding his crutches and limps to the door, his face completely changed-no longer slepy, but more determined and worried. 

“You two stay here!” he orders and throws Clarke a warning look ”I mean it. Stay here, I know what to do.”

He hopes they would listen to him, but knowing how stubborn they were, they probably wouldn’t. He can’t think about them right now though, he just does his best to get to the kitchen as fast as his legs allow only to find his best friend curled up in one of the corners, near the drawers under the sink, trembling, his hands raised, holding a knife as he looks around him frantically.

“Murphy!” he calls him with his no longer sleepy voice and Murphy’s head turns towards the sound of the noise. “He can’t see me”, Bellamy reminds himself ”It’s me, Bellamy.”

“Bellalmy?” his voice is so broken it makes him squeeze his own eyes shut for a minute ”Where are you? Where are we?” he is confused, he has no idea what’s going on ”I heard the bombs. And the shooting, they’re trying to kill us! We have to go.”

“There are no bombs, Murphy, it’s just us” Bellamy tries to reason with him, though he knows that his friend currently has no idea where he is or what’s going on ”We’re safe” he promises him as he finally approaches him and kneels down as he surpresses a grunt. He completely ignore his own pain for the time being though, this wasn’t about him,

“No, you’re lying!” Murphy suddenly raises his voice and waves the knife in front of Bellamy’s face ”It’s not even you! I am imagining you!”

“You’re not, I’m right here, Murphy!” Bellamy tries to reason with him and attempts to grab his hands so he wouldn’t hurt himself, but Murphy just pushes him back and he loses his balance for a minute ”It’s me!”

“You’re lying! You’re trying to killl me!” John yells as he waves the knife again, dangerouly close to his friend’s face ”It’s too loud!” he screams out and Bellamy attempts to grab his wrists again, but instead Murphy pushes him once more, almost throwing him on the floor and attempting to attack. 

Bellamy puts his hands on his chest and pulls him off of himself, but Murphy struggles and keeps trying to attack him. Somewhere in the back he hears the girls rushing to them, but he turns around and waves his hand at them to stop where they are. 

Murphy was already thinking someone was trying to hurt him, if more people came in, he would completely flip and he had no idea what he could do then. As he battles to take him off and yells his name, he finally manages to push him away, but Murphy sways the knife again and Bellamy’s first instinct is to duck, but instead he does something stupid-he grabs the blade with his hand and feels the knife cut him, but that and the sight of blood dripping from his hand seems to surprise Murphy which is his only chance of finally taking over and with the adrenaline kicking in, he finds the strength to push him back to the drawers and throw the knife away.

“Murphy! Listen to me! It’s fine, we’re fine!” he yells as he pushes his arm on his friend’s chest ”Stop it! We’re safe, we’re not being attacked!”

“It’s not you!” Murphy yells back ”It’s not you! I can’t see you!” his voice breaks again, he’s already crying, there are tears in his eyes ”They want to kill us!”

“Here! Here, it’s me, touch my face!” Bellamy grabs his friend’s hand and presses it to his face ”It’s me!” Murphy finally, for the first time strops struggling and all Bellamy can think of doing is keep pressing his hand harder to his face ”Here, I am not lying” he continues as he moves his hand up to his forehead and his eyes, letting Murphy convince himself of the truth ”You don’t trust me? Here’s the scar you gave me when we were ten and you tripped me over while playing hide and seek so you can win” he moves Murphy’s hand to a long croocked scar above his left eye and Murphy finally seems to calm down as his fingers trace it. His ragged breathing fills the room as he comes back to his senses and relaxes against the drawers

“Bell?” Murphy mutters, finally sounding like himself

“Yeah it’s me. It’s me, buddy. And we’re not being attacked. We’re home, at your lake house with the girls alright” he nods at them and Murphy turns his head blindly looking for them, but all he sees is two big spots just a few feet from them

“Hey, Murphy” Clarke says in order to convince him of the truth and his face twists unnaturally as he comes to realize he’s been tricked by his own mind. Then he turns back to Bellamy and even though he can’t see much of anything, he spots something bright red on his friend’s hand

“I hurt you” he panics for a moment again ”I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I heard that noise and I thought…I thought we were back…that day with Finn and…I-I just-” he stuttered and Bellamy put his good hand on his back and pushed him to his chest.

“It’s fine, you don’t have to apologize” he convinces him and Murphy embraces him as he cries out in his chest, his sobs filling the room. Bellamy stays with him like that and leans back on the drawers so he can have something to support him as he holds Murphy. 

When he looks up, he sees Emori silently break down as well and Clarke hugging her.

“It’s okay” Bellamy keeps whispering calming words to Murphy ”We will be alright.”

And he wished he meant it. God, he really did.


	10. The long-lost friend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **WARNING:** Okay, so this chapter is a bit tough to read and there are mentions of suicide here, so since I really do not want to trigger anyone or cause anyone any kind of pain, please, if you can't take it, do not read it, especially the last part of the chapter. I mean this.  
>  Other than that, thank you all for still reading and I hope you uh...like this one as well!

“You look so different. Lighter, happier” Wells commented as Clarke granted him another smile. She was so happy to be here with her best friend, she couldn’t find her place-she was constantly teasing him, poking his ribs, hugging him, they were basically acting exactly like Murphy and Bellamy when they were in a good mood. 

Wells had arrived late last night and they basically didn’t sleep because there were so many things they wanted to catch up with. Of course, they have updated each other on what’s going on in their lives, but talking on the phone and seeing someone in person were two very different things. 

She hasn’t realized how much she’s missed him. Of course having Octavia by her side was awesome, she could always talk to her, but in the past few weeks her friend has been either buried in work or taking trips to Lincoln’s hometown and she wasn’t around much. 

Clarke has been spending so much time with Bellamy, Murphy and Emori, that this had made Monty, Jasper and Octavia whine like two-year-olds for her being MIA and rain-checking on their movie nights. Clarke had felt guilty but she was pushing that feeling somewhere at the back of her mind-she has found Bellamy’s company to be something she didn’t only like, but needed as well. 

Being with him was different from spending time with her friends-they had this mutual understanding and they could laugh, bicker and be sad together if needed be and she would still feel right. It reminded her of being with Wells. The only difference was, with Bellamy she had these moments where she wanted to know what his lips taste like.

“I think, I am” she responded and leaned down on Well’s shoulder ”Thank you for being here. It means a lot to me. And to him.” they were currently waiting for Bellamy to drag his sleepy ass to the cafe right under his flat, which seemed to be an impossible task for him. He was twenty minutes late.

“How could I not. I had to see this Bellamy Blake with my own eyes” he threw his hand over her shoulder and rubbed it gently ”I mean you did spend a few years complaining about him over the phone and now all of a sudden you drool over the guy. This doesn’t happen often.”

“I am not drooling!” she pulls away and puncshes him in the arm ”He’s just a friend of mine”

“So was Lexa at first” he reminds her and hates himself for mentioning her ex-girlfriend as he sees the smile disappear from her face

“Bellamy’s different.” she looks away, instead staring down her cup of coffee, ignoring his worried looks ”He has nothing to do with Lexa. He’s compassionate, selfless, caring…you’ll see for yourself.”

“And you like him, yes?” he raises and eyebrow playfully, hoping to bring back her good mood and she blushes a little.

“Not like that.”

“You’re such a terrible liar, Griffin” he chuckles after looking into her eyes and finding the answer to his question without her needing him to confirm it. 

“Can we not talk about this now?” she asks barely audible and he nods as she places a friendly kiss on her forehead. She can’t help but think how Bellamy’s kisses always leave the place burning hours after that and she tries ignoring the twist in her stomach as she remembers his lips pressed against her skin.

“Is that by any chance him?” she lifts her head up only to see Bellamy Blake limping towards the entrance, looking like the complete mess that he is, trying to balance his body on his crutches as he hurries to get inside.

“Yeah, that’s him.”

“He’s hot” that earns him another light punch in the arm but her face is burning so bad that by the time Bellamy actually makes it there, she he wonders if she’s fine.

“I’m so sorry for being late. Ares didn’t want me to leave him in O’s place. He threw a tantrum” he mumbles out, feeling absolutely awful for making them wait for him ”Hey, Clarke.” he greets her as he settles down on the booth opposite of them ”You must be Wells.”

“Very nice to finally meet you” they shake hands and Bellamy can’t help but furrow his eyebrows a little at the fact that she’s sitting way to close to him. Then again why does he care if there’s something between them? The guy looks far better than Bellamy could ever be for her.

“You too. Clarke has told me a lot about you.” he says as Bellamy settles down and orders a coffee from the waitress who passes by as he tries to ignore the pitying look in her eyes when he leans his crutches on the table

“Really? I bet only bad things.” he attempts to lighten the mood, but his heart feels heavy ever since he spotted them from outside, talking and laughing. He has never seen her smile that way, not recently at least.

“I mean, you are after acting only half-decently lately, Blake, so what do you expect?” she teases him and he smiles back in agreement. 

He likes their banter, but not right now, right now he was just too nervous and he appreciated her trying to lighten up the mood, but he was just not in for it. Ever since they came back from the lake house, they’ve barely spent time together. She was swamped at work and he’s been at Murphy’s place more than once this week. You could say that after his episode during their small escape from the world, he hasn’t been doing that great and that was just another thing to weight on his shoulders. 

“So how does this work?” Bellamy asks after his coffee comes and they’ve exchanged all the pleasantries.

“Well, you basically just need to tell me your story. I’ll ask questions, you’ll respond and then I’ll write it all out, after which I’ll present it to my boss and if he agrees, we publish it.” Wells explains as he puts his hands on the table, he did seem like a nice guy, which was making it hard for Bellamy to hate him, even though he wanted to, especially after he leaned back and threw his arm over Clarke’s shoulder like he was her boyfriend or something and the worst part was that it felt like a knife through Bellamy’s chest. 

He had stopped listening to him, he could hear him talk, but the words were just passing him by like strangers on the street. He couldn’t focus, couldn’t think straight until he realized that he was gripping his cup so tight, he was going to break it into pieces.

“Hey, you okay, man?” Wells asks and Clarke throws him a worried look when she realizes something’s wrong

“Yes, yes of course, I am sorry” he apologizes but his voice trembles ”I am just not uh…not very good at talking about this, so I guess I get a little bit nervous” he apologizes and Clarke looks at him sympathetically. She stretches her hand and places it on top of his which only makes his skin burn

“Hey, it’s fine, we don’t have to do all of it now. Wells is staying with me for a few days, so you can talk tomorrow again” she reassures him with a light smile

“Oh, you are?” he asks, trying to keep his voice steady

“I wasn’t planning to, but this one insists us on catching up” Wells comments and throws his arm around her again, pushing her head to his chest and rubbing his fist over her hair, teasing her. She laughs out loud, the noise so unfamiliar to Bellamy that it just takes him aback, and then much for his surprise, she blushes. All he can think about is that they’re not just friends ”She wants my boss to hate my even more so she’s not really helping your case” he adds and Bellamy smiles politely although all he really wants to do is get out of here ”But she’s right, we don’t have to do it all today or anything.”

“Alright” he agrees and swallows hard as he looks down at his cup noticing just now that her hand lefts his sometime ago when Wells pulled her to him and he was still feeling the warmth her presence left there.

“Okay, so let’s just get to it what do you say?” Wells asks as he takes out a notebook and pulls out his phone to record which only reminds Bellamy of when he was questioned after the Finn incident, all the people there doubting him, wanting to send him to military court, then throw him in jail for something that wasn’t his fault. Or so he liked to tell himself, maybe at the end it was ”Why don’t we start from the beginning, tell me how you joined?” Wells asks and Bellamy tries to gather all his strength together so he could do this. 

He refuses to look them in the eyes, he just can’t, there are too many feelings going through him when he sees them too close to one another and he knows if he meets her eyes, it will just be the last straw for him.

So instead he looks through the window when he starts talking. He’s not that great with explaining it all, his sentences are short and Wells has to ask too many questions so he can get to the bottom of things. 

Some stuff, Bellamy wasn’t sure how to say so he could be understood, but most of them he answers mother-of-factly, like why did he join, when did he first meet Kane, how many operations has he been a part of. Some things he can’t answer, because they’re classified and they could sue him for disclosing them, but when this happens Wells comes up with another, usually more personal question, which only makes it worse.

As a whole it is not going great and Bellamy thinks that Wells must be one hell of a good writer if he thinks he can sell this story, because quite honestly, he’s not doing much to help him. 

When they make it to the question about his last mission, Bellamy just remains silent for a few minutes, all of it flashing through his eyes, Miller on the ground, dying in his hands, then Murphy yelling for help, Atom’s brain spilled on the ground, Bryan’s face twisted, his dead opened eyes staring at the sky and the pain, all the pain he felt and how he used everything he had inside him to get back to Murphy as he left a red trail behind him and how he thought he would die too. Then the surprise when he woke up and he was still alive.

“Hey, Bell” Clarke’s voice pulls him back and for the first time he looks her in the eyes ”You alright?” he closes his eyes for a minute before looking up at Wells

“I’m sorry, I just…can’t do this anymore today” he apologizes as he hurries to pick up his crutches after noticing his hand on her knee ”I uh…I need to get home.” Clarke senses that there’s something way too wrong and tries grabbing his hand but he pulls away as if he’s burnt and with whatever strength he has, he gets up on his crutches 

”It was very nice meeting you, Wells.” he mumbles as he starts walking out ”See you, Clarke” he tells her but doesn’t even look her in the eyes. 

He tries to make it as far away from them as possible before he has done something stupid like turn to the left and head over his favorite bar. He doesn’t want to get drunk, he doesn’t want to disappoint her. He hasn’t had a drop of alcohol since that night he told Murphy about the letter and he wanted to keep it that way for both hers and his friend’s sake, but today has been hard on him. He was in too much pain ever since he woke up and now seeing them like this has basically thrown him off his balance which wasn’t great to begin with and the talks about his time in the military was only pushing him that harder up a wall that made him lose his breath. 

So no, he couldn’t get drunk. Definitely not in some bar because there was no one to help him get home. Murphy was at his place, probably sleeping and Clarke was with Wells and whatever he was to her, it looked like more than just a friend, his sister was away with Lincoln again and everyone else were dead. 

The realization hit him like a train and for a moment he just stopped walking and closed his eyes, breathing deeply. 

He was between a see of people, everyone was done with work trying to get home and he was in their way. Some of them cursed as they passed by, others just threw him angry glances and yelled for him to get out of the way, third pitied him, fourth basically just pushed him and he did his best to move out of their way. He had just made it around the corner when he heard her voice.

“Bellamy!” she was yelling, trying to reach him through the traffic noise ”Bell, stop!” but he wouldn’t, he didn’t want to talk to her right now and she was getting pissed off until she finally catches up with him and blocks his way ”Hey! Hey, will you stop!” she raises her voice when he refuses to listen to her.

“Clarke, I just want to-” he tries explaining, his voice is tired, yet she senses something else there too. Something different, more like of the old Bellamy she used to hate.

“Just stop for a minute, okay?” she begs of him and he remains where he is, but his eyes roam somewhere behind her back ”Look,” she tries reasoning with him ”I get that this is hard for you but are you sure there’s nothing else going on?”

“And what would that be, princess?” his voice is somewhat angry and she doesn’t understand why there’s such a sudden change 

“You tell me, you haven’t looked me in the eyes ever since you set foot in that diner.” her voice makes his head snap to her and his dark brown eyes finally meets her blue raging ocean and she realizes all she sees in them is anger ”What did I do to you this time? Why are you avoiding me?”

“You are insane, I am not doing that” he tries denying it, calming down his voice, he doesn’t want to do this, he refuses to fight her and she sees this now, but she still can’t explain to herself that anger in his eyes ”Please, I just want to go home.” he begs of her

“Is it something Wells said? Are you uncomfortable with him?” it takes him everything to shake his head and give her a light smile, knowing very well that he will need to find a way to drown his pain somehow tonight. 

He couldn’t do this, he couldn’t hurt her just because she might love someone else out there, it was so wrong that he felt _disgusted with himself._

She was his friend who was trying to help him and that was it, she has made it perfectly clear that she didn’t want to do anything else with him, that she couldn’t. So he had no right to be an ass right now.

“I am sorry” he apologizes instead, his voice no longer angry or annoyed. He surrenders ”It’s just that this day still haunts me, it’s very hard for me to talk about that, about any of it. I thought I could make it, but I am not sure I can.” he tries explaining ”And now is not the right time for this” this part confuses her. She has listened to him very carefully up until now and she understood him but this…was different ”I think you should just spent your time with Wells, but thank him for trying to do this anyway.” he grips his crutches harder as he tries to move pass her and he bites his lips when the pain in his back tries once again to crush him, but she stops him once more as she places her hand over his chest gently

“Wait, Bell, please” she knows there’s more to this, but she just doesn’t understand him now. Maybe it was something else that was bothering him, something with Murphy or Kane and he was just confused? ”Don’t give it up now. Promise you’ll call Wells again tomorrow, try just once more. For me.” she knows it’s not fair telling him this, that maybe in a way, she was manipulating him, but she has to try. She wants to help him so desperately and she is just that tired of seeing him so broken.

His eyes linger on her for a long while and for the first time she can’t quite figure out what he’s thinking, even though by now they’re so good at reading themselves, they don’t need words. Yet today it’s different and it scares her because she doesn’t get it.

“Alright” he finally says, agreeing with her ”I’ll call him.”

“You will?” she asks before she can stop herself, knowing it’s not the best thing to say right now. He smiles as he looks away for a moment before lifting his eyes to hers again

“For you, Clarke, I would do anything.” his words make her heart skip a beat, she has never heard him talk like that before ”Have a good evening.” this time she doesn’t stop him when he leaves but her eyes linger on him for longer after that as she watches carefully if he’ll make a right turn to the bar and when he doesn’t she hates herself for even thinking about him like that, even if it was just because she was worried.

Wells catches up on her when he figures she’s been away for too long, but she keeps repeating Bellamy’s words in her head over and over again and this turns into yet another night she can’t catch any sleep.

But later the next day when Wells calls her to tell her Bellamy asked him for another meeting and that they wrapped almost all of it up, she smiles and thinks how she has to pass by his place when her shift is over so she could tell him how proud she is of him.

 

 

It was going to rain. That much he could tell from the dark clouds above him, but that didn’t make him want to immediately go home. He actually preferred being outside, even if alone, he was suffocating in his place and with everyone either busy or at work, he needed to find a way to clear his head after he finished telling Wells his story last night. He hadn’t slept at all, but he wasn’t that tired. The usual pain in his back, of course, was present, but it wasn’t anything he couldn’t handle. 

The possibility of the rain had mostly emptied the streets, but all he could think about was going home, grabbing Ares and going out again. He just couldn’t stay alone, it was making everything so much harder and louder in his head. 

He was lost in thoughts when he realized someone was blocking his way. He wasn’t that much aware of his surroundings, he just knew he was heading home, but when he was stopped by two guys in uniforms who were smiling at him with fake politeness he knew something wasn’t right. His thoughts only confirmed when he noticed the black fancy car parked just a few feet away from them. He had seen it before.

“Private Blake” one of them greeted him, reminding him of his lost ranks and that not only pissed him off, but embarrassed him as well ”I’m Sergeant Baker, this is Sergeant Scott” he nodded to the guy next to him ”Captain Kane would like to talk to you in private in his car if that’s alright with you.”

“And if it isn’t?” Bellamy tensed, he knew they weren’t really asking him, but he had to pull a fight, it’s who he was

“Then we’ll have to escort you there either way” Sergeant Scott spoke for the first time, his voice was much more colder than the other guy’s one. He could see they weren’t that much younger than him, but if they worked for Kane, they probably came from rich families who just didn’t want their kids to go in battle and instead found them some safe job ”I advise you not to pull a fight here, Private” he added and Bellamy noticed him moving his hand to the gun on his right side, making him want to laugh at them.Were they going to shoot him right here in the middle of the street?

“Alright then” he just nodded and they came by his two sides as they started walking him to the car. 

Before they let him in there, they searched him carefully for any kind of weapons and took his phone which he tried to snatch away, though unsuccessfully, there was no point in trying to fight them, this was all out of his control and he was helpless, so he might as well just get this over with and try to get himself home in one piece. 

It took him a minute to get in as he wasn’t actually very great at walking or sitting or anything else these days but when he finally settled down he realized Kane was sitting right next to him, granting him his evil smile as he took off his cap. He was dressed in his parade uniform, his medals hanging from his jacket as well as any other sign that he was ranks above Bellamy who was now nobody but a simple guy who once used to be in the army. 

“What the hell do you want from me?”Bellamy said without a trace of fear in his voice. If Kane thought he would buckle in his presence, he was so wrong. 

But his words only made Kane laugh and then shake his head for a brief moment before he finally lift his head and his cold eyes met Bellamy’s.

“You are indeed a stupid reckless idiot, aren’t you, _soldier?_ ” it wasn’t really a question, more like a statement and Bellamy didn’t miss the fact that he emphasized on the last word in order to remind him of his insignificance as if everything else wasn’t enough ”The question, Bellamy, is what the hell do you want from me?”

“I don’t understand” Bellamy responded but Kane only smiled once more and before he knew what was really happening, he felt his strong hand on his right knee, squeezing it very hard, making him jolt from the pain and close his eyes. The bastard knew how to hurt him.

“Oh you don’t?” his face was so close to Bellamy’s now and when he opened his eyes, he realized Kane was staring down at him, his hand still squeezing his leg, making him want to yell ”I didn’t know you were such good friends with Wells Jaha. When did that happen?”

“Let me go, you bastard!” Bellamy tried fighting off, but Kane was stronger and he pushed him back the seat with his other arm, blocking his every possible way out, but keeping his pressure on his knee at the same time ”You can’t do this to me.” he said through teeth as he gave his best not to cry out from the pain he was giving him, he wasn’t only humiliating him in every possible way,he knew exactly where it hurt him most and he pushed right there, but his words only made Kane laugh.

“I thought that by now you know I can do basically everything I want.” he whispered as he came even closer and all Bellamy could think of is how disgusting all this is ”I know everything about my enemies, Bellamy. I know where this pretty sister of yours is right now as well as that strong boyfriend of hers. You think he’s enough to keep her safe? Would you be so sure if I told you he can somehow accidentally get beaten up on his way from work.” Bellamy was trashing against the seat by that time, trying to get himself free, but Kane was stronger and he was pushing him down

“Don’t you dare touch my sister, you filthy animal!” Bellamy yelled, but Kane didn’t pay any attention

“And what about John Murphy? How would you say he trips down while crossing the street to your place and ends up in a car accident because he’s just a blind lost boy?” he suggests next and Bellamy gasps when his hand squeezes his knee again ”What about the beautiful Clarke Griffin? You know I remember her as a young girl with Wells, she was always so adorable. How would you say a patient with a PTSD attacks her as she tries to threat him during her shift at the hospital and he chokes her to death? I know so many screwed up soldiers. Hell, if I trigger you, maybe you can do it for me, huh?” Bellamy could feel his breath in his ear

“You’re sick!”

“True, but I am also powerful.”

“Hurt me! Leave them alone and just hurt me!” Bellamy begs when he doesn’t know what else to do. He had expected Kane to threaten him, but he never thought he would go that far. Kane shook his head and smiled in his twisted insane way again.

“And what would be the joy of that?”

“This is more than just me saying anything about those missions.” Bellamy manages to say through teeth as Kane keeps his hand on his chest, making it hard for him to breathe ”You’re using them to cover something and whatever it is, it’s illegal, otherwise you wouldn’t have bothered with me. So what it is you trade with? Guns? Drugs?”

“Ahh, there you go. I’ve always known you’re a smart one.” he actually seems pleased with his realization, but Bellamy is not surprised. He’s head of people in higher places dealing with guns or drugs in the army illegally and Kane had always looked so shady to him ”The truth is, nobody was supposed to survive that last mission, but then you with your annoying bravery just had to try and keep going, saving Murphy alongside with you, so it is actually you who are to blame for all your misfortune now, Private Blake.”

“Just tell me what you want from me and I’ll do it, but leave my family and friends out of it.” obviously that was finally the right thing to say, because Kane smirked and finally lift his hand off his chest

“Kill the story. Tell Wells Jaha you changed your mind and you refuse to publish it, ask him to delete everything he recorded and tell him to be on his way home. His father told him he misses him when we talked last night” that was his way of showing that Jaha would never believe that his good friend Kane could be involved in anything illegal.

“Fine. But you leave my family alone” Bellamy agreed without hesitation, because he would never risk the life of those he loves for his own sake. The captain laughed and shook his head

“We’ll see about that after you fix your behavior, Blake” he smiled victoriously as he leaned forward and knocked on the window thus making one of the soldiers accompanying him open the door. But before Bellamy could leave, he felt his hand on his wrist, pulling him back again.

“Give this fight up, Blake. You are never going to win.” he muttered as he finally let go and Bellamy slowly got himself out of the car. He somehow dragged himself to the sidewalk as he watched them drive away. 

The rain has started falling down and it was so cold, that he would’ve thought of it as purifying in a way, was it not for the fact that in this moment, right there, he completely lost any will to live. 

 

 

Clarke is impatiently waiting for Murphy to come out of his place, in the car, her fingers are tapping nervously on the steering wheel and even though she knows the guy is almost blind and she should cut him some slack, she can’t help but curse him right now. 

After all, he was the one who called her more than half an hour ago to tell her some bartender go in touch with him only to inform him that Bellamy was dead drunk lying on a table, talking to himself while ordering whiskey after whiskey. 

She had panicked, of course, because she thought for once, things won’t get screwed up and she was yet again proven wrong. She wasn’t only worried though-she was also pissed off, because just a few minutes before she left her place, she got a message from Wells saying that Bellamy changed his mind and was asking him to forget about the story.

Something was very wrong and she couldn’t figure out what the hell was going on.

“Finally! What took you so long!” she curses Murphy as he finally reaches her car and slowly gets in as he tries to make sense of his surroundings.

“Not all of us are as healthy and energetic as you are, blondie, you mind cutting it down on the insults?” he asks her and she feels bad for scolding him as she turns the engine on and heads in the direction of Bellamy’s favorite bar.

“Any idea what’s wrong?” she asks him and she shakes his head but she notices the worry in his eyes. 

She knew this week has been hard for him and this was just another thing to make it worse, but he had somehow pulled himself together the minute he found out his friend needs him and she couldn’t help but admire him for his strength.

“No. I last saw him yesterday and he seemed fine, but if he got drunk it means something screwed up.” she gives him a questioning look and even though he can’t really see her face he knows she doesn’t get him ”He hasn’t drink a single drop of alcohol since we left the lake house, blondie. He was doing it for you.” that comes as a surprise to her and she remains silent until they get there.

The air is chilly and it has just stopped raining but the smell was still lingering all around them. Murphy, despite his inability to see much, was the first one to get to the door of the bar and without thinking twice, he gets inside.

Thankfully, it’s not such a busy night so the music is not bursting through their ears and they don’t have to fight people in order to find him. The minute they reach the bar, the guy who has made the call points them at one of the tables in the far corner and when they make it there, they both stop dead silent in their tracks as they see half his body sprayed on the table, one of his hands gripping a half-full glass of whiskey and the other hanging lifelessly to his side, his crutches were fallen on the ground and he seemed to be half asleep though they could hear him mutter something very silently under his nose.

“Goddammit!” Murphy is the first one to curse as he sighs and approaches him shaking him roughly ”Bellamy! Bell, what the hell did you do again!” he yells in order to wake him up and he succeeds because his friend’s eyes snap open, but he seems so disorientated that Clarke doesn’t know if he recognizes them.

He does. He actually knows who they are. But the truth is his eyes dart to the left where Miller or…more like the ghost of him was leaning on the wall, dressed in his old uniform, smiling and promising it will be all fine. He hasn’t seen him since he woke up in the field hospital for the first time and even then he was sure it was because they’ve drugged him too much. It was after his surgery and the doctor wasn’t sure he would make it. Bellamy doesn’t remember all of what they told him, but he knew one thing-Miller was there too, even though he was technically dead. 

And now he was here as well. He had appeared earlier, after Kane left him standing on the sidewalk and Bellamy had no idea if this was a blessing or a curse, but he was glad his friend, who he missed so much, was right in front of him, even if deep down he realized this might be just a projection of his imagination, some sort of vision or well…ghost was a bit too much in his book.

“ _Hey, it’s fine, don’t worry_ ” Miller says as he approaches the table while Murphy and Clarke are trying to pick him up. They are talking to him, asking him questions, but he doesn’t understand a word they’re saying ” _You trust me, don’t you?_ ”

“Of course, I trust you” he mumbles back and for a moment Clarke and Murphy stop moving and just look at him. Their eyes follow the direction he’s staring at and when they see nothing they just exchange worried glances.

“He must be too drunk, he’s imagining things” Murphy tries to calm Clarke down, but her eyes don’t leave his. 

Something’s definitely wrong and it scares her like no time before. As they try to lift him up, they realize he’s shaking and it’s because his clothes are drenched that his body is freezing. He must’ve been out in the rain for too long and that combined with the alcohol was making him delusional.

“We have to get him home, he’s going to get sick.” she tells Murphy and he nods as he groans and tries to lift Bellamy up to his feet again. Finally they succeed but when they start trying to walk with him, his right knee buckles and he drags them to the floor.

“Hey, hey what’s up?” Murphy asks Bellamy and he looks down at his feet as if he remembers that it actually hurts him ”Did you fall? What happened?”

“I can’t” is all he says ”I’m sorry”

“It’s fine, it’s okay.” Clarke reassures him as he turns back to Murphy ”He probably hurt himself, it’ll be alright, I’ll fix him when I go home but we’ll have to get him to the car first.”

“I’m sorry” he keeps saying when they lift him up and start dragging him to the exit, his leg is numb, he doesn’t even feel it when it moves lifelessly along the floor, he can only see it ”I’m sorry.” he apologizes to them but they are so focused on trying to help him that they can’t respond

“ _Hey_ ” Miller’s voice makes his head move up, he’s right beside them as he promised ” _It’s fine, it will be over soon._ ”

“You won’t leave?” Bellamy asks and Clarke’s head snaps at him, again confused as to who he’s talking to

“ _I never would_ ” Miller reassures him and smiles. 

“Who the hell is he talking to?” Clarke asks as she tries to cover the worry in her voice and replace it with confusion.

“Wish I knew, princess” Murphy responds through teeth as he keeps dragging his friend half-lifeless body

Somewhere at the back of his mind Bellamy realizes that Clarke and Murphy are getting him in a car, then talking to him as they drive him home, but he never says anything back. 

He only tries to relax, he is not really afraid anymore.

When they make it back to his place, Clarke orders Murphy to help her get him to the bathroom and then go grab his meds. She places him on the floor as she turns the taps on and starts filling the bathtub, then kneels down beside him. He reaches out to grab her hand and she squeezes his in return.

“I’m sorry, Clarke.”

“Why do you keep apologizing?” she asks him sincerely confused ”You haven’t done anything wrong” she wants to reassure him she isn’t mad ”It will be alright, okay?” he nods and she places her hand on his cold cheek as she furrows her eyebrows-he’s shaking so bad, they had to warm him up soon.

“Can you tell my sister that-” he begins but then Murphy’s voice echoes from the kitchen

“Clarke, I can’t find his meds or his clothes, can you come over here?” she smiles one last time at him as she grants him an apologizing look and hops on her feet

“Wait here, we’ll only be a minute” she promises and he wishes those weren’t the last words he heard from her.

When she leaves, he sits up and looks at Miller who’s now leaning on the wall.

“ _You ready?_ ” he nods ” _I’ll see you on the other side then_ ” he promises and when Bellamy closes his eyes for a second and looks up again, Miller’s gone.

He knew better than anyone that if he wanted to save them all, he had to do this. If he ceased to exist, if he was simply gone like he should’ve been by now, Kane wouldn’t have the need to go after them, he wouldn’t have to hurt them. He was ready for this, it’s not like he hasn’t thought about it ever since he woke up in that damn field hospital. And for some reason now, he wasn’t scared. He only regretted not talking to his sister or trying to explain it all to Clarke, but then again that would’ve made everything much harder.

With his last strength, he raised himself up as best as he could and got in the bathtub. She has made it easier for him, his first intentions were to use the razors in the cupboard above the sink.The water wasn’t too warm, in fact it was kind of cold and it made him shiver even worse, but he knew this would soon be over.

He didn’t think twice about it. He just dipped his head under the water and let his body relax-for the first time in forever when he opened his mouth and let the water fill his lungs as his hands gripped the edges of the bathtub so he could prevent himself from trying to sit up and save himself out of instinct, he felt right.

What they used to say about your final moments before you die was true-it did all flash before your eyes-there he was, a little five-year-old boy crying as his father raised his hand and hit him. Octavia wasn’t even born back then and he could hear his mother crying in the distance. Then he saw himself, Murphy and Miller playing hide and seek, then he was holding his sister’s hand on her first day of school, after that he was shaking his mother and begging her to wake up after the accident that took her life.

But at the end what he remembered most before he drifted into darkness was waking up on their way to the field hospital. He was lying on his stomach in some cot and he felt someone’s hands pressing the wound on his back. Everything was a blur, but he could see Murphy on another cot right next to him and he tried to reach out and grab his hand and beg him not to die, even though he himself felt like he was leaving this world.

The war with himself that he had fought so hard all those months since he came home was dying out.

And finally he was at peace.


	11. The Departure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **A/N** : Thank you all for leaving me a comment after the last chapter and I am deeply grateful to those of you who're still sticking with me. I realize it is a hard story to read(as it is to write). I hope you don't completely hate me after this one and understand their actions.

The next thing he knows, he’s coughing out water. He can hear their voices coming from above him, but he can’t open his eyes, the pain in his lungs and his throat is so bad, that he’s not even thinking of trying to speak. He feels someone’s hands all over his face though-someone smoothing away his wet hair, someone else gripping his shoulders, but he still keeps coughing and it takes him a few more minutes to let their voices sink in.

“That’s right, come on, spit it all out” Murphy, he thinks, it must be Murphy. Someone’s hands raise him up a bit and pat him on the back as he keeps coughing his lungs out. 

_No, no, no._

He’s still here.

“Come on, that’s good, you’re doing great” he still hears Murphy’s voice but it’s not his hands holding him, it’s someone else’s, they are smaller, gentler, yet strong. 

He doesn’t feel much of his legs, but he thinks he’s still so cold so he must be on the bathroom floor, but he can’t make much sense out of anything. He just knows, he can’t be here. He’s not supposed to be here. 

Murphy keeps shaking his shoulder and yelling something at him and when he finally feels like he doesn’t have any more water in his lungs, they raise the upper part of his body and his face is pushed to someone’s warm chest. 

“You are alive” he finally hears her trembling voice and when he opens his eyes, he’s afraid of what he’ll see because he didn’t want any of this to happen. 

It wasn’t supposed to. He was headed somewhere else, but they saved him. 

When she catches her crying, her face a complete pale mess, her hair falling down so close to his face, with so much fear in her eyes it just makes him hate himself even more, he wishes that he had just picked his gun instead cause then there would be no way for them to stop this

”Thank God you are alive!”she whispers when she leans closer to him, her hands gripping his face, her lips touching his forehead. He tries to talk, but nothing comes out of him, his throat hurts and he’s so damn tired, he just wishes to fall and never again wake up ” _You’re alive, you’re alive, you’re alive._ ”she keeps repeating as she holds him so hard and close against her because she is afraid that if she lets him go, he’ll cease to exist.

He breaths her in when he closes his eyes again and hears her repeat her mantra, which for him sounds like nothing but a curse.

As he slips back into the darkness, he feels like he has nothing to hold on to, not even the pain in his back or the lack of air in his lungs-he has nothing to keep him grounded but her arms holding him into this reality that is nothing but another twisted version of all the nightmares that keep him awake.

 

 

Clarke keeps holding on to him, pressing his head to her chest even after he loses his consciousness, probably due to exhaustion. She knows that she has to let him go, but she just can’t, she needs to hold him, to hear him breathing, to feel his heartbeat so she can be sure he’s not gone. Because for a minute there, he really was.

It was her who first realized something must be wrong when she couldn’t hear any noise coming from the bathroom. She has this awful feeling in her guts so she just grabs Murphy’s wrist starts dragging him down there with Bellamy’s pills in hand. 

She drops everything she’s holding when they make it there and can’t see his head above the water. Everything that happens after it is mostly a blur, but she remembers screaming at first and Murphy quickly realizing what’s wrong when she starts trying to pull him out of the tub. The rest is mostly her attempts at getting herself together when she is desperately trying to get the water out of his lungs. 

Murphy shakes as he holds her hand and tells her maybe they should stop and just when she is about to start crying and give up, he starts coughing. Even now with her eyes closed, holding him and listening to his shallow breathing she can’t get rid of the image of his pale face and lifeless body-he was almost gone. Seconds away from not existing anymore. 

“Clarke" she feels Murphy’s hand on her back, but she doesn’t want to let him go yet ”Clarke come on, we have to get him to bed” he begs of her, his voice on the verge of breaking down, but somehow she thinks that he’s way stronger than she could be in such a moment ”Please” he begs of her when she doesn’t let him go right away ”Please, Clarke” she thinks how funny it is that this is the first time Murphy’s used her real name when calling her and when she finally looks up, she sees him kneeling on the other side of Bellamy, right where he was when he helped her pulled him out and watched her try to bring him back

“He’s alive” is all she is able to mumble and he nods

“He’s fine, all thanks to you” Murphy seems to be the only one out of the two of them who is somewhat able to keep himself grounded right now. 

He knows far too well that she’s in shock, that she just watched the person she has been calling her best friend for the last few months almost die in her hands and he is well aware of the fact that Bellamy is not the only person he has to take care of right now

”Come on, go get your kit and whatever medicine you think you’ll have to give him while I change him and then we’ll get him to bed, okay?” he suggest but she just shakes her head

“Murphy…” a few tears escape her eyes as she keeps on holding him ”I-I”

“You’re fine” he puts his hands on her shoulders as he tries to bring her back to earth ”Yes, he tried to kill himself, yes, we saved him, that’s all real” she bites her lips at his words and he realizes she’s shaking just like Bellamy. 

She’s terrified. She has pulled herself together while she was trying to save him but now she was about to break down and he couldn’t let it.

”But it’s over, he’s fine and we’ll figure this out together, okay? Take a few deep breaths for me alright” he asks of her and she complies. 

At least after all his army trauma he has learned how to help other people when they get in those situations. When she feels herself calming down, she opens up her eyes and nods. He gives her a weak smile and puts his arm under Bellamy’s neck, picking him up from her embrace. She takes a minute before she gets herself up and slowly walks out of the bathroom. He waits till he hears her close the front door and head to her place for her supplies before he looks down at his best friend and allows himself a moment of weakness.

“You’re a fucking idiot, Bellamy” he whispers and wishes he could see well enough to watch his chest rise and fall, but he can’t, so instead he just places his hand on his neck and feels his heartbeat under his fingers, which helps him get himself back together. 

He first places him on the floor and then takes a minute or two to find the clothes he has dropped somewhere on the way to the bathroom while Clarke was tugging him, saying that something’s wrong. 

He hates to think what would’ve happened, if she hadn’t figured out silence can speak louder than noise. He was so used to feeling death around him, he hadn’t noticed anything. If it was just he and Bellamy when this had happened, he would’ve found him death in that bathtub.

He takes his time when he gets off his wet clothes and uses a few towers to dry him up as best as he can. He realizes Clarke is also stalling and he is glad that she’s doing so, knowing far too well she needs a few more minutes to get herself together. Murphy was capable enough of doing the most useless thing like changing his friend’s clothes, even with his eyes screwed up like that. Mostly Bellamy didn’t even stir. A few times he moved and groaned, but that was it-he never woke up and by the time Clarke came back, Murphy was already throwing him over his shoulders and carrying him to his bedroom.

“You alright?” she asks, there are still traces of tears on her face, but she sounds different now, her voice stronger. 

No…not stronger, angrier and Murphy almost smiled to himself-he has lived through something like this before, he knew far too well how she must be feeling now. She hated Bellamy for what he tried to do but she was also so shaken that she almost lost him that instead of trying to deal with those emotions, she preferred getting mad. 

"All good, but I think he’s burning up” Murphy announces when she opens the door for him and watches him place his friend on the bed. Bellamy’s lifeless body makes her shiver before she comes by Murphy’s side and roughly places her hand on his forehead only to realize he’s right. Murphy can’t see her, but he hears her harsh snappy movements. Even with his glasses on, he mostly manages to distinguish big bright spots-Bellamy on the bed and her leaning over him, taking things out of her bag and tossing them back in. He takes a step back and sits down on the wooden chair near the window, burying his head in his hands for a moment too.

“You’re angry” he finally speaks up while he listens her still moving around the bed somewhere

"I’m not” her voice is cold and emotionless

“I can basically smell your anger, Griffin, it’s gonna suffocate us” she doesn’t respond this time and he sighs ”Are you done with him?”

“Yes” she says but he sees her sitting next to him on the bed, what must be her hand on his forehead, or maybe his neck checking his pulse as if she’s scared he’ll stop breathing any minute now. 

She’s a bright blue spot, a worried nervous ball of sadness and anger that is either gonna break down or explode. His friend is that grey lifeless longer broken spot on the bed, the light coming from the lamp is blinding him even more making it hard for him to see, but he stands up and as best as he can, he makes his way to her, putting his hand on her shoulder

”He’s gonna be okay?”

“He’ll be asleep for a while” she explains and he nods

“Good, now come with me” he orders and searches for her hand. She looks at him confused. She had no intentions of leaving him right now. She was afraid too.

"No, Murphy, we have to-”

“Clarke” he raises his voice, not bothering that he might wake Bellamy, he was probably drugged and too exhausted to even move right now. Getting that close to death would do that to you. Aside from absolutely breaking you and everything you know as a reality

”We just watched our friend almost die. We went through hell with him, he stopped breathing for a minute and we were on the verge of accepting he’s never coming back” he tried to keep his voice stable “Get up, we have to talk.”

She sighs as she stands up and he steps back, giving her the time to pick the rest of her stuff and then throw another blanket over Bellamy.

"Is there a glass on the night stand?” he asks her and she stops dead in her place and raises his eyebrow at him forgetting for a moment he can’t see her” Anything he could use to break in pieces and hurt himself, Clarke?” Murphy adds when he realizes she’s not understanding his question

“No” she shakes her head when she takes a look at all the things near his bed

“Are his pills there?” she confirms and he bites his lips before he speaks up again ”Take them. I don’t think he’s too dumb to overdose but then again I never thought he’ll try to drown himself so better be safe than sorry.”

When he raises his hand looking for hers and she grips his back, he realizes how cold and shaky she still is, making him feel horrible that he wasn’t able to see that earlier. He knows his questions shook her too, provoking her thoughts again.

"Do you think he’ll-” her voice shakes, she can’t really finish her sentence

“I don’t know. It’s possible. In order to protect someone like that you have to start thinking like them” he explains as he starts tugging her to the kitchen, leaving the door of Bellamy’s bedroom open. He’s not taking any chances like before, he had to be careful. 

This time it’s the opposite way around-Murphy, using his free hand, sliding it gently at the wall, guides Clarke to the kitchen and helps her settle down on one of the chairs. Then he starts going through the drawers above the sink and once he finds the bottle of whiskey, he opens it up and takes a very big sip, leaving Clarke’s heart aching for him as much as for Bellamy. But this wasn’t about him and Murphy knew it. In the comfortable silence that had fallen upon them for the moment, he found a glass and filled it up, maybe a little bit too much, before handing it to her.

"Drink.” he orders, his voice hoarse as he stumbles a bit before finding the chair and settling down, opposite of her. He can’t see her but he hears her gulping down the liquid, letting the alcohol loose her tense body if only for a minute ”You a bit better?” he asks her when he hears her settle down the glass. He doesn’t waste another minute before filling it up for her again. She nods, but she forgets he can’t really see her

"Yes” she is surprised by her own trembling voice so much, she covers her mouth for a minute as she closes her eyes and lets her tears go. They burn down her cheeks and she bites down her whimpers, but she’s breaking down and he hears it. 

Usually Murphy’s not the cuddly or comforting type. Even back at war when he knew sometimes Miller or Bellamy, or even damn young Sterling could use a hug, he was incapable of helping without being awkward-it just wasn’t him. He couldn’t go around and hug people or even give the good old comforting pat on the shoulder. Instead he mostly used his words in a sarcastic and somewhat comforting way that would make his friends crack at least a little. Their smiles relaxed him-it made him feel like they were invincible. But now he knew they aren’t.

Now they were dead-or at least most of them and he and Bellamy…they were only half alive, which was worse than being dead, because there wasn’t any finality to it. They were so horribly trapped in their own bodies and in this painful reality, that he couldn’t really blame his friend for wanting to just end it all. He had no right to do so.

Either way, despite his inability to be a fully-functioning person who shows his emotions, hearing Clarke break down right now woke something in him and without even realizing what he was doing, he stood up and by sliding his hand off the edge of the table he found where she was sitting and gently placed his hand over her shoulder. He squeezed it hard and felt her trembling body under his shaky grip. 

"Come on, Griffin” he said after a while when she seemed to have finally almost spilled it all out and he knew he had to help her get herself together ”Just listen to me, okay?” he asked of her as he pulled his chair closer to her and settled down. He could actually kind of see the big blue and blond spot that she was right now ”You have to understand that he-”

“No” she raised her voice for the first time after they came here ”No, Murphy don’t tell me that I have to accept what he just did! Don’t you dare make this okay! It’s not and you know it.”

"I am not saying that you have to accept it or even forgive him. I told you, you have to _understand_ ” he emphasized on the last word "You have to try at least” his words sound more like begging ”Trust me, I am so mad at him right now, probably more mad than you could be. He did this knowing far too well that I was the one who found Finn and his spilled brains on the floor early one morning and he still went through it.” she trembled when she heard his words, but kept her eyes on his blind ones. This was the first time she’s heard Murphy being so honest and opened with her.

“Then how are you trying to convince me to understand it when you hate it as much as I do?” she asks quietly, she’s still angry, but she wants to listen to what Murphy has to say ”This was wrong. It was so wrong and it was selfish.”

“But it also made sense” Murphy gave her a sad smile ”Think about it-have you ever seen him happy since we came back home? Or even before that? Have you seen him do anything but give everything for everyone else but himself? If you think that he’s been doing it all for his sister, you’re wrong-you have no idea how much he had sacrificed for me and the rest of the team. He was so busy taking care of everyone else that in the end, when he failed and almost all of us died, it didn’t just ruined him, it completely broke him.”

“Then he should’ve let us help him” she raises her voice again, being mad not at Murphy, but at this whole situation ”He should’ve let me help him.”

"Have you ever stopped for a moment and realized that Bellamy is incapable of thinking about himself? Or his own good? I wish you were there with us so you could see how easily he threw himself in battle, how he didn’t care if he would live or die. If you think that’s tragic” he nods back at the bathroom where it all happened ”you’re wrong. You should’ve seen him there-it wasn’t bravery, Clarke, it was indifference. He had so little regard over his own life it was horrible to watch. He’s been through so much more than the entire team combined” his voice shakes a little at the end and he grabs the bottle, taking another long sip, giving her a few minutes to think about it.

"I just…I don’t get it, Murphy” she exclaims annoyed by her own ignorance. Was it that she didn’t notice his signs? Was it because Wells was here and she was too busy spending time with her friend to pay attention to the one person who ever understood her even when she didn’t understand herself? ”He was doing better…or I thought he was at least. I was trying to help him, I just…”

“If you’re wondering whether or not this is your fault, trust me” he reached out for his glass again but only wrapped his strong hand around it ”It’s not. As someone who’s going through the same thing he is I can tell you that we might have great days, where we smile and have fun and then feel like crap three hours later. The things we’ve been through…they find their way back in our lives no matter how hard we try to push them away.” Murphy swallows hard and clears his throat while Clarke looks away, pretending not to see the tears in his eyes.

"I should’ve helped him” she doesn’t believe him, she feels like she had failed him even though she was so mad at him still. 

She was surprised when Murphy reached out for her hand and when he gently wrapped her wrist with his fingers, he pushed it to his sleeve. She looked at him confused but he just nodded at her, urging her hand to move it up. When she pushed his sleeve away, she saw one thing long mark starting from the bottom near his palm and going dangerously long down his hand. Her fingers trembled whens he touched it and she felt sick for a moment, before he used his own hand to push the sleeve of his other arm as well.

"You couldn’t have” his voice is no longer shaky, he sounds like he usually does-Murphy, cold-heart, sarcastic son of a bitch Murphy who everyone but Bellamy hated-that’s what she though of him before. She couldn’t have been more wrong.

"When?” she asks and feel like she’s intruding but he doesn’t seem to mind

"Two weeks after we came home” he explains as he pushes his sleeves back. She has no idea how she hasn’t noticed that, but she can’t recall a time where she’s seen Murphy with anything but a sweater on

”It was Bell who found me. Nobody knows about this but he and Emori and now I guess you” she feels a certain kind of gratitude over the fact that he trusted her with something like this ”The funny thing was, he called me a little bit before I did it and I being the fool that I am tried to act like my usual self, but I guess something tipped him off, it must’ve been the way I sounded. He asked me a couple of times if I was fine and of course I lied, hurrying to hang up.” she squeezes her eyes, trying hard not to cry. She knew far too well Murphy hated being pitied ”I don’t know what he did exactly, I don’t remember it all very well, but later the doctor said that if he had been just a few minutes late, I wouldn’t be here now.”

“Murphy, I don’t know what to say” she speaks out her thoughts and he shakes his head lightly

“I am not telling you this because I want your sympathy, I am trying to explain that I couldn’t last two weeks after we came home and he had been fighting for more than half a year. Mind you-alone. It was bound to happen at some point.” 

“So you expected it?” she is surprised by his statement and even more so when he nods

“I did, but I still think that you probably also have a point-he wouldn’t just do it like this. He’s a strategist, a planner. If he was in such a rush to get this over with, then something else must’ve happened.” he can’t help but think, that knowing how Bellamy is, they might never find out.

She sighs as she leans back on the chair and stares up at the clock-it was three in the morning and she realizes she’s been here with Murphy for a while.

“You wanna go back to him?” he asks her as he finishes off the bottle of whiskey. Surprisingly, they don’t feel drunk, just a little less shaky, so maybe Murphy was right to take that bottle out.

“I have to give him his pills, but maybe get some food in him first” she stands up and Murphy knows she’s still needs some time to face him, some time to make sense of it all so that’s why she was stalling. He didn’t mind it. 

He listened to her as she got up and started taking stuff out of the fridge, probably to make him some kind of sandwich, because even though she was such a great doctor, Clarke Griffin was simply a disaster in the kitchen and after having their friend almost die, setting his apartment on fire was the last thing they wanted. 

Comfortable silence fell upon them for a while, but he could hear her angry sharp movements-there was more to this than he knew, maybe it was something personal, but she was beyond pissed off even though she was trying to get herself together. He was surprised when she spoke up first.

"What did you mean when you said that Bellamy has been through more than the entire team combined?” she seemed to have settled the ingredients on the table and sat down back at her place, opposite of him

"Did he ever tell you he’s been sent to missions without us?” she freezes as she looks Murphy in his still misty blind eyes

"He doesn’t talk about his time there. Unless it’s those funny stories you both tell at Octavia’s monthly dinner.” he nods as to himself and runs his skinny fingers through his hair, preparing himself to talk.

“Well the first time it happened it was the worst possible moment for him to be separated from us” he starts explaining ”It was a few weeks after Finn has killed himself, I was a total mess, Sterling was just sent to our team as a replacement for Finn and we were very low on rations. There has been some problem with the deliveries and we had been going on half a meal per day.”

"You were starving?” she asks sounding outraged. He was used to people’s reactions about this, almost none of them knew how hard it can be sometimes but it’s not like any of them complained. 

"Sometimes those things happen and I guess because there weren’t any missions planned for us those few weeks, they thought we would be fine. It was a particularly slow time for our platoon but there were rumors of another one going through heavy fights across the river.” Clarke placed down the stuff she was holding and listened to him with interest ”I remember I was particularly grumpy that day, Sterling was still very unused to us and scared and Miller and Bellamy were working on our rover when Bellamy got called by one of the captains. Sterling almost pissed his pants, because I played with him, scaring him that they’ll send us all over the river and he’ll finally see some real fighting. I was actually dying to get out of there and I was secretly hoping we’ll leave.”

"I’m guessing you didn’t?”

“No, not all of us at least. Just Bellamy. When he came back he said that captain is picking up the best sergeants and lieutenants we have here and sending them over so they can help. Turns out, there were a lot of casualties as well as wounded soldiers who needed to be transported here. He left Miller in charge, then took me to the back of the truck, lifted one of the cases full of ammo and showed me a backpack filled with all the extra rations he had saved for us.”

"You weren’t joking when you said he gave everything to keep you safe.”

"I wasn’t” he shook his head seriously ”He left at the back of an old truck and I honestly thought that might be the last time I saw him. We all knew where he was going, we had no illusions.”

“And then he came back?” she asks holding onto hope as if she was there with them, waiting for him to appear in the sea of soldiers even though she knew far too well he was just in the other room, but the thought of him not being there still shook her so hard.

"Three days later the doors of our camp opened up to let through a wave of wounded soldiers-some on stretches, a few stuffed in the big trucks without any air to breathe, others supporting each other and then those who were slowly making their way through-they all looked so horrible, worse than we’ve ever been after a battle that far into our missions.”

"Was he alright?”

"Miller and I went crazy” Murphy says instead of giving her a straight answer ”We started going through the crowd, desperately searching for him, asking for him, but most of them didn’t know him as they were from another platoon. Finally, we spotted him right at the end of the long line-he was slowly making his way through the gate and he looked like hell. When we saw him, we barely recognized him-there was so much blood on him, he was covered in dirt, he seemed like he hasn’t slept at all which turned out to be true” Murphy swallowed hard ”When he saw us, he practically collapsed in our arms. I’ve never seen fear in his eyes until then. Whatever he saw turned things upside down for him and even though the next day he got himself together and kept bossing us around like he usually did, we could still hear him tossing at night, mumbling stuff in his sleep and waking up covered in sweat.”

Clarke doesn’t know what to say to this so she just picks back the knife she was holding and gets back to preparing his sandwich even though her mind was working so hard Murphy joked he could hear her thoughts. 

"Come on, let’s go wake him up” Murphy suggests twenty minutes later when he’s figured that it was time for them to go back there and take care of him even despite the fact that they were still so angry.

 

 

He wakes up from someone roughly shaking his shoulder and when he hears Murphy’s voice at first he is so confused-he’s been dreaming of coming home after one of those missions they send him alone to and he felt this strange sense of relief when he saw his two best friends hug him, but now that he opened his eyes and faced Murphy staring down at him with his blind eyes as he shook him hard in order to bring him back to reality, he realized it was all a dream. 

He couldn’t make sense of anything at first-he recognized his dark room, but he couldn’t figure out why he was feeling so cold or why Murphy seemed so angry or why Clarke was sitting at the edge of the bed with a plate in her hands as if afraid to come anywhere near him.

"Come on, try to move up” Murphy scolded him when he realized his friend must be awake. 

His movements were harsh and he looked really angry. It wasn’t until he felt his friend’s hands under his armpits, trying to move him into a sitting position that he had a flashback of that same thing happening probably just a few hours ago when they took him out of the bathtub because he was trying to drown himself. It all came in place to him-why Murphy was currently raging and why Clarke was refusing to look him in the eye

”Help me out here, you idiot” Murphy scolded again and ignored him when he grunted from the pain he felt or when he started shaking so bad after he was pulled from under the blanket.

"Murphy” he tried using his voice but it was so hoarse and silent that he couldn’t recognize it. He reached out to grab his wrist while Murphy was putting a few of the pillows behind his back in order to support him, but he failed to do so ”I’m cold” he finally whispered

“Yeah, well if you haven’t stayed out in the rain for hours and then attempted to kill yourself in a bathtub full of cold water, you might not be feeling like that right now, but then again you’ve always been an idiot” Murphy kept on using his cold detached voice and all Bellamy could think about was that he deserved it ”I just never thought you were _that dumb_.” he threw his arm over his shoulders in an attempt to probably warm him up a bit by pressing him to his own skinny body and Bellamy leaned onto him like a lost child looking for shelter, not bothering the fact that he probably looked weak and pathetic ”Clarke, give me the plate” Murphy orders as he stretches his hand and she passes him the sandwich ”Eat” he orders next as he raises it to Bellamy’s lips but he just shakes his head away

“I’m not hungry” he tries to free himself from Murphy’s grip, realizing too late that this was not a friendly hug but more of a trap so he wouldn’t move too much

“Don’t be an asshole after what you did, Blake” Murphy scolds ”Or I will personally kick your sorry ass. Now eat!” Bellamy gives in, he doesn’t want to fight him, but he feels like hell, probably worse than he did before he attempted to go through with this

"You’re angry” he concludes while Murphy keeps feeding him and Clarke just moves her look up and down between them, without letting a word out. She was strangely silent and he was afraid to look at her. 

This is not how he wanted things to work out-he was supposed to be gone, not waking up and being guilty for doing this to them, or feeling more pain than he did before. It was supposed to be over and now that it wasn’t, he had no idea what to do.

“Would you rather I jump around and throw confetti at you because you tried to take your own life away, knowing far too well what you’ll do to us, Blake?” Murphy responded angrily, shutting him up completely. 

They remained in uncomfortable silence until he had finished the sandwich and was pushed back to lay on the pillows with Murphy moving away so Clarke could give him his medicine.

When he felt her cold hands on the back of his neck and then looked into her broken teary eyes, he really wished he had died. He saw nothing but anger and hatred in there and it was so much worse than when he had first met her and they had this mutual dislike for one another. 

"Clarke” he whispered and raised his hand to her hand but she instead surprised him by moving it to his forehead and completely ignoring his words. He was shaking to bad, but it didn’t matter to him-all he wanted to do was explain to her.

"Can you grab an extra blanket?” she turns to Murphy and he ignores them as they talk about him like he isn’t really there, saying he’ll probably get sick and there’s not much they could do about it and then watching them wrap another blanket-an orange one around his arms, Murphy telling him to sleep and get rest and them conversing before getting ready to leave the room.

He panics, he doesn’t want to be alone, he has to make her understand, he has to explain to her so puts all his attempt in grabbing her wrist before she stands up and looking her in the eyes, begging her to stay. Thankfully, she settles back down on the bed, after successfully reading his intentions without him having to speak and then nodding at Murphy, who leaves them alone, closing the door behind him.

“Are you sure you want to do this now, Bellamy?” her voice is cold but he can see the pain in her eyes, yet what burns a whole in him is her removing his hand from his.

"You have to understand, I…” he tries to find the right words and she gives him his time, but he feels how awfully mad she is at him as she fists the blanket around his feet in an attempt to calm herself together ”I had to do it.”

"So Murphy and I were right” she gives him a sad knowing smile ”There was a reason behind it” he looks away ashamed of himself but she continues ”Will we ever find out what it was?” he doesn’t waste time to shake his head, he has promised her, back at the hospital that he won’t get her involved in this and he had broken this promise. He had no intentions of doing it again ”Of course not” she laughs coldly ”Why would you ever let anyone help you, right?”

"Clarke, I get that you’re mad but-”

"Oh, no don’t you dare tell me how I feel right now, Blake!” she stands up and crosses her arms on her chest, there is this dangerous light in her eyes that can make the earth shake ”Don’t you dare think you have the right to tell me shit after what you did today! You know nothing, alright? You have no idea what it was like finding you there! How long it took me to get the water out of your lungs! How your friend kept shaking you and calling your name and begging me to save you!” there were tears in her eyes now that were freely falling down her cheek. She was not ashamed to cry, it was only human ”You don’t know what it was like not seeing your chest rise or your heart beat for those awful seconds! So don’t you dare tell me how I feel.”

“You’re right” he agrees with her after seeing her pour her heart out in front of him ”I don’t and yes maybe what I did was awful and maybe it makes no sense to you, but for me it was the only choice I had left.” he calmly tries explaining as he attempts to raise himself on the pillows again

"Except it wasn’t!” she yells back and he lets her, because she needs to let it all out, she has to be mad at him. He almost died for God’s sake, how could anyone just take this lightly? How could he talk about it as if it’s the most normal thing on earth? ”You could’ve come to me, to Murphy! You could’ve told us there’s something wrong, but instead you did what you always do-you threw yourself out there in front of everything and everyone because you don’t think about what it would do to people if you’re gone.” she was a hurricane right now, her hair swaying as she moved her hands angrily and attempted at explaining to him how wrong he was. She hated him and loved him so much it tore her apart. ”Did you ever stop to think about us? What it would do to Murphy if his friend died? What it would do _to me_?” 

“Of course I did!” he tried to sit up but the pain in his back pushed him back on the pillows and for a moment she wanted to feel bad for him. _She wanted._ ”But you also don’t know what I’ve been through, how much pain I’ve seen, how much death.” she finally stopped moving and pushed her hand to her forehead, rubbing it gently-her head was killing her ”I’ve been trying so hard” his voice was shaky now ”So damn hard to make it right, to keep myself above the water, to not let you or Murphy or my sister down, but I am just so tired, Clarke.” she finally looked up at him and met his completely desperate brown eyes and she knew he was telling her the truth

”I am tired of waking up every day and not being able to get on my feet on my own. I am tired of looking at Murphy and seeing him suffer or secretly hate me for saving his life because I gave him this reality he hates so much right now.” she wanted to shake her head and tell him he’s wrong but deep down she knew he wasn’t ”I am tired of my sister being worried about me all the time. I am tired of watching you try to save me and hurting you so much in the process.” he admits and it is him who has tears in his eyes right now ”And I am sorry.” his last words make her cringe, reminding her of the fact that this was all he kept repeating on their way home.

“You still want to do this, don’t you?” she asks him after a few minutes in which the realization sank in ”You still want to get it over with?” she looks him in the eyes and he keeps them on her, not saying anything, but answering her question all at once.

”I can’t do this, Bellamy” she finally speaks up when neither of them says anything for a long while

“Clarke, please, I-”he starts but she shakes her head, it was her time to explain

“Did Octavia ever tell you how my father died?” she asks him, trying to keep herself together and her voice elevated ”He killed himself, Bellamy.” she announces as if saying it out loud doesn’t hurt at all. She looks away from his surprised eye ”He was depressed for a long time. Or so we figured out when it was already too late. Neither me nor my mom noticed how bad he was. I’ve caught him in moods all the time, staring at the wall for hours after he lost his job and everything he’s worked for but I never said or did anything. I guess just like you, he got tired of trying to stay alive, tired of fighting” she doesn’t go into details, now is not the time for her to do this to herself, this day has been long enough ”My mom was the one who found him and by the time I got to the hospital he was dead. I never said my goodbye and I never understood all the reasons behind his actions. He deprived me of that just like you did today, you were going to die and take our choices away from us.”

Bellamy bowed his head feeling like the greatest idiots of them all for doing this to her and to Murphy, but at the same time he couldn’t change the way he felt. He knew that he was going to lose her and he was selfish when he was the first one to speak up.

"Please, Clarke” she raised her head ”Don’t go.”

"I am trying to understand you” she says instead, realizing that she’s about to break his heart ”I really am, but you have to understand me too. I need some time, Bellamy, because now every time I look at you all I can see is your lifeless body on the bathroom floor. And I” her voice shakes ”I just…can’t.” she angrily brushes her tears away, she is tired of crying, but she can’t stop either.

He reaches out his hand to hers and she takes a few seconds before she grips his back. He rubs his thumb over her palm as he looks at her-he was as beautiful as the day he first met her, but none of that would make any difference now. He nods in understanding, trying to tell her that he gets it because he can’t make himself speak out-he’s afraid he’ll break even more.

“I don’t know what it is you’ll do, but promise me you’ll get help” she tells him and he squeezes her hand back as an answer.

She leans down and places a fast kiss on his burning forehead, which only makes her feel worse for leaving him-they had a lot of stuff to figure out on their own first, though and they both knew it.

"I told you, I would do anything for you, Clarke” he whispers back just as she pulls away and for a moment her squeezes her hand and looks her in the eyes in a way that tells her there’s more to this than he’s letting out, but that now was not the time to speak of it. If ever.

He watches her head to the door and close it behind her without looking back, which was for the better as he thought about it-he couldn’t stand looking at her for a second more, knowing he won’t be able to have her in his life for the time being.

He laid down on the bed shaking violently, feeling cold, desperate and in pain, but thinking how he understands her, he really does and yet he couldn’t figure out why it hurt him so damn much.

He doesn’t know how much time passes before Murphy comes to him and without saying anything he tosses a few more blankets over him, gives him some water and then presses a cold cloth over his forehead.

"Hey” he hears him say and he opens up his eyes to see his worried look ”I’ll call Emori, okay? And then your sister. It will be alright.”

And as he closes his eyes, all that Bellamy can think about is that he’s heard those words more than a hundred times over the course of the past few years.

And they were never true.


	12. The Ice king

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your continuous support! I am sorry for the delay but college sucks! I can't find much time to write, but I am doing my best. Hope you like this one and let me know what you think!
> 
> Also, special thanks to @Bellarke_Stories for the support she gave me while I was writing this chapter!

_“Sorry I’m so late” she apologizes as she basically collapses on the bench next to him, breathless and still with her scrubs on, a thin sweater covering her shoulders, but not enough to keep her warm in the windy November day, which makes him furrow his eyebrows once he opens his eyes and takes a good look at her._

_He had almost fallen asleep, letting the autumn sun warm his face as he rested and tried to ignore his pain_

_”I was just about to leave when this idiot with a broken thumb got in and started crying more than a three-year-old would. I swear to God, why are man always so fucking whiny?” she asks him as she takes her bag off her shoulder and he passes her the ice cream-her favorite as usual, chocolate chip ”Is that for you?” she keeps blabbing and he can’t help but think how adorable she is like this with her messy hair tied in a loose bun and the big circles under her eyes making his heart clench for her, yet a little bit too energetic for a person who just has been through a 40 hour shift_

_”You know you shouldn’t be eating that” she scolded lightly at the other ice cream cone he was holding and even though he couldn’t remember why he shouldn’t be eating it, he knew she was right. For some odd reason._

_“No, it’s for you” he finally manages to respond and waits till she’s leaning back before he hands it to her ”I figured you could use two after the shift you had.” she smiled gratefully as she attacked the first cone ”Then after you’re done we can go to the diner and get some real food into you.”_

_“No” she shook her head ”Too tired.” and he knew that which made him chuckle and ruffle her hair a bit which only earned him a grunt_

_“You’re such a child.”_

_“Me? Come again? Who was whining last night that he needs his orange blanket because he wasn’t warm enough?” she scolded him and looked at Ares and Sunshine who were playing right in front of them, fooling around with a ball Bellamy bought for them a few weeks back ”You didn’t give Sunshine ice cream, did you?”_

_“First of all, you forgot to turn the heating on” he jabbed his finger in her ribs and she giggled as she moved away, attempting to escape his grip ”And second of all-of course I didn’t give her ice cream!” something in the tone of his voice made her furrow her eyebrows_

_“You’re so lying to me!” he looked away and coughed confused as he rubbed the back of his neck”Bell, I told you that she shouldn’t eat sweet right now!”_

_“I only gave her just a tiny little bit! Plus she snatched it away herself while I was feeding Ares. It’s not really my fault.”_

_“I can not believe you right now!” she punched his arm and he owed, pretending to be hurt ”I need to talk to the ice cream guy, make him promise he won’t sell to you anymore” she says casually as she licks her cone away and he chuckles_

_“If you do that, you know you’re not getting any ice cream either. It’s fucking November, Clarke, you could get sick!”_

_“I’ve been eating ice cream in the winter since I was five years old.” she crosses her arms over her chest, pretending to be a smartass ”Plus, I am the doctor here and out of the two of us, you’re the one who can’t take care of themselves. Which is again actually the reason we’re both here right now” he shruggs, refusing to fight her, he just enjoys seeing her pout._

_“Whatever you say, doc” he agrees with her and throws his arm over her shoulders, pushing her to his chest._

_She was freezing, shaking lightly under his body, so he pushed away again and started taking off his jacket, but before he could she stopped him, grabbing his hand with her free one-she had already finished the first ice cream_

_”You’re freezing, Clarke. How can you go out in November with nothing but a sweater on!” he scolds her and he’s angry that she just refuses to pay attention to those stuff. To herself._

_“Don’t” she interrupts his speech ”You’re sick, you know that” he sighs ready to fight her on it but she pushes his hand away and looks him in the eyes ”Please, don’t make it worse, alright? Let’s just…stay like this. Together.” he sighs and tries to push his guilt away as he leans back on the bench and she snuggles on his chest, her ear pressed exactly where his heart is, which relaxed her, reminded her that he’s alive and well._

_They stayed like this for a while in peace just watching the dogs fight and roll on the grass, she finished up her second ice cream and even stained his shirt a little bit, not that he minded. She let his hand go over her hair after he destroyed her bun on purpose, stroke her or run his fingers through her messy locks. She knew he liked that, he would even braid her sometimes when they were in bed together and she was worrying over him._

_“I swear, if Ares turns her into a naughty dog or if he ever hurts her I am going to kick his ass, no matter how much I love him” she mumbled as she watched them fool around and when a laugh erupted from Bellamy’s chest she felt the tickling feeling of hearing the sound bubble up inside him, making her smile as well_

_“He’s a decent guy, he would never do her harm” he promised as his hand moved to her back, rubbing it gently so he could keep her warm, but as he did that another realization hit him ”You’ve lost weight again” he scolds when his big rough hand slides to her side, he could practically feel her ribs_

_“It’s not like you have gained any” she huffs pretending to be annoyed, she just wanted to keep watching the dogs, it gave her peace and he wanted to scold her_

_“You promised you’ll take care of yourself”_

_“I didn’t” she moves her head up to meet his eyes ”I only made you promise me.” she reminds him of the last time they were together and he curses himself mentally, because she was right._

_“So what, I should be okay with you just throwing your life away, not eating, not sleeping, all that loneliness and pain in your eyes? Should I ignore it?” he asks, his voice changing, getting angry, his hand getting stiff on her back, but pulling her closer to him as if this way he could protect her from everything, not just the world, but her own self-destructiveness._

_She surprises him when she laughs, her eyes full of playfulness, ignoring how serious he was being here._

_“Come on, Bell” she jabs her finger in his chest ”Stop being such a grumpy old dad.”_

_“I mean it, Clarke” he tries again, but this time he’s more gentle, attempting to just let her see his point ”How come it is okay for you to take care of me, but not the other way around?” he removes a strand of hair from her forehead and leans down to kiss it. She shivers under his touch, but it’s a nice feeling, having his lips linger on there for a little while longer than usually ”You can’t neglect yourself, princess.”_

_“You haven’t called me that in a while” she raises her fingers to the back of his neck and plays with the ends of his hair_

_“Didn’t think you like it” he whispered and leaned down even closer, their noses touching ”But don’t change the subject.” his hand moves to cup her cheek ”You look tired.”_

_“And you’re in pain, so which one of us is worse?” she always has something to say, that fire inside her that burns so bright and so often makes him laugh and smile was still so present_

_“I didn’t know we were measuring our problems.”_

_“We weren’t, we were just enjoying our peace until you decided to be a pain in the ass about it all.” she tugs his hair a bit, scolding him lightly._

_He decided to tease her instead and planted a kiss on her cheek, leaving it burning minutes after he had left the spot. Leaving her wanting more._

_But he pulls her to his chest and tries to keep her warm, deciding to close his eyes and inhale her scent, to remember her as she was, because he had this lingering feeling inside him that he won’t get to have this moment with her again and for some reason, that made it hard for him to breathe._

_“Bellamy?” she calls him after a while and he opens his eyes, much to his dismay only to see fear in hers, which confuses him and makes him tense ”Why aren’t you paying attention?”_

_“Paying attention to what, princess?” he asks confused, furrowing his eyebrows but when she opens her mouth to say something, he hears a loud bang and something shakes them, as if it goes right through them._

_Which is not far away from the truth, because when he looks up he sees Kane holding a gun smiling at them. But he hasn’t managed to hurt him, he doesn’t feel anything, except that feeling that’s been present for a while, that he just can’t breathe, like he was drowning, but very slowly. He’s confused until he hears her whimper._

_“Bellamy?” her voice is weak and when he looks back down he realizes there’s blood where his hand was on her right side only seconds ago ”Bell!”_

_“No!” he panics when he sees so much red and tries to cover it with his hand ”No! No, no, no, no! Clarke!” he begs of her and her eyes roam everywhere around them, but never meet his ”Hey, look at me, please!” he begs and she finally settles her blue tired gaze on his brown eyes ”You’ll be fine, you hear me? Clarke! Clarke!”_

 

 

“Clarke! Please, don’t leave! Clarke, come on, look at me!” he was mumbling in his restless sleep, trashing the bed and Octavia has been trying to shake him out of it for the past ten minutes. 

She’s only come half an hour ago, after spending most of the day working in the diner, she has went home, made him soup and drove to Murphy’s place where her brother was now living. 

It’s been a week since she got a call from John, telling her she needs to come home. It’s not like she had any other intentions, she’s been away at Lincoln’s hometown for far too long and even though Bellamy had convinced her it’s for the better, she knew she had to come and check on him, but the last thing she expected to hear was that he almost killed himself. 

That drove her to an edge. She didn’t know if she should be mad and yell at him or try to help him and knock some sense into his thick head. Murphy begged her not to go too hard on him, because he’s been through hell and she could see that, she could read it all in his eyes, but she couldn’t help herself. She had a hard time finding the words to talk to him without getting mad and he let her, he let her rage and let her yell and then when she was done, he let her cry and hugged her and he apologized for doing it, though she wasn’t sure how sorry he actually was. 

But he was sincere and said he was being selfish. In a way, she understood him, she really did, especially after a few days passed and he was so ruined and sick. Sometimes she felt like she can’t breathe around him-there was just so much sorrow and sadness everywhere he went and while they were moving him out of his apartment and Lincoln had to carry him to the truck, she stayed behind in the empty place and just slid against one of the walls and completely broke down. 

She couldn’t get rid of the image of his limp body in her boyfriend’s arms, his hand hanging lifelessly from his side, his hair glued to his forehead because of the fever burning inside him, but most of all she couldn’t get rid of the indifference in his eyes. It’s like he was saying “It’s all good, O, promise”. But nothing was good. And nothing was right.

“Come on” she huffed as she shook his shoulder once more and finally his eyes snapped opened, a yell escaping his lips, until he figured out who she was and relaxed back on the pillow which was practically wet ”Finally. You alright, big brother?” he wanted to answer her, but instead a loud and painful cough interrupted him and he pushed her hand away as he turned his back to her and kept on trying to carry all his pain on his own. 

The sound his lungs were producing made her wince and she hurried to grab the glass of water from the stand as she put her hand on his shoulder and rolled him back-he has lost weight, it was easy for her to overpower him

”Here, you have to drink” she urged him and lifted his head so he could take a few sips ”Did Emori give you your meds?” he nods as he relaxes back on the pillow. 

The only reason she had agreed to him moving to Murphy’s place and not hers was because she trusted Emori and her medical experience. With Clarke gone or at least..well out of her brother’s life for the moment, she had no one else to turn to and they were bad in the money department. Really bad. 

That’s why he had to move out-he was three months late with the rent and they practically kicked him out, not caring even the slightest for the fact that he was vet, who couldn’t walk and was currently going through a pneumonia because he was stupid enough to soak himself in the coldest of weathers and then try to drown in a bath of freezing water.

“I’m fine, O” he never gets tired of saying that

“Come on, do you think you can sit?” she asks and he nods, even though he’s not sure at all. He lets her help him move up, but he doesn’t have the strength to stay in this position on his own, so he just leans on her and lets her embrace him while she pushes a bunch of pillows behind both their backs ”You comfortable enough?” she asks and he just nods ”Emori says this way it’s easier for you to breathe” she blabs away and grabs the wet cloth from the night stand and places it on his forehead, which helps him relax before another bout of coughs interrupts him and leaves him violently shaking. Once it settles down, he falls back in her hands, which might be skinny but are definitely stronger than he is right now.

“I’m tired, O” he says after a while and she brushes the sweat from his forehead

“You’ll get better really soon, you’ll see. The meds just need to kick in” she tries to reassure him but he just smiles and his eyes meet hers

“No” he shakes his head ”I mean I’m tired.” of everything, he meant, _of life_ ”And I’m scared.”

“Of what? I’m right here, big brother” she promises as she finds his hand and squeezes it ”I won’t let anything bad happen to you.”

“That’s the same thing I told you the day you were born” he smiles when he closes his eyes for a minute again

“I know” she runs her fingers through his messy black hair ”But you never answered my question-what are you afraid of?”

“I don’t want to sleep” he admits for the first time being open with her since he came home ”When I close my eyes, all I see is the faces of the people I have killed or all my friends that are already dead.” he takes a few deep breaths with his wheezing lungs and she tries not to squeeze her eyes at the sound of it ”And when I wake up, all around me, are all the people that I’m hurting now.”

“You’re not hurting anyone now, Bell” she promises him and he just smiles knowingly, as if trying to tell her that she has no idea what he means by that ”I once heard you talk to Murphy that you wish you could go back and get it over with.” he opens his eyes and there’s a spark to them this time ”I know you still want that” her words surprise him ”I know you want to go back and die, sacrifice for everyone you’ve lost, but you can’t.” he swallows hard but doesn’t look away ”And I know you still wish that you’ve succeeded last week when Murphy and Clarke found you. You wish they didn’t save you, I know that.”

“O-” he raises his hand and covers hers

“No, I want you to know that I realize that. That you wish you weren’t here. That you might still think about it…” she tries not to break down when she continues ”about killing yourself.”

“O, don’t do this to yourself” he begs of her but she shakes her head, she had to say it.

“And I know you have no hope whatsoever” she stubbornly squeezes his hand now, begging him to just listen to her without any interruptions ”But I do. I have hope for you and one day I know it will get easier, okay? I just need you to hold on for me. Can you promise that?” 

“I promise” he smiles despite the tears in his eyes. 

He lets her push his head to her chest and tries to relax as he feels her pull the covers up, because he was trembling again. But soon he starts moving around, trying to find a comfortable position and she realizes that he’s doing that because he’s in pain.

“Does your back hurt again?” she asks him and he just huffs and tries to get away from her, as usually, because he just can’t let people take care of him ”Bell, when will you stop being a stubborn ass!” she scolds him lightly when she grabs his wrist and he looks up at her. 

She reminds him so much of their mother, her eyes especially and her long black hair, but also her hands and the way she held him right now, with so much care. And he would’ve indulged in the memory of her were it not for the simple fact that he screwed that up as well-he couldn’t save her so she could be here with his sister, he couldn’t even allow them to say goodbye, because she died in his hands, her last words were something he has heard many times before “Your sister, your responsibility”. 

“Sorry” he just mutters weakly and looks away from her, he can’t bear to meet her eyes right now, afraid he’ll completely break down

“Tell me what to do” she begs instead, searching for his hand and squeezing it

“I just need to lay on my stomach” he says and tries to get rid of her grip once more. She is annoyed because of course he’ll say that. She has never heard him ask anything like “Can you please help me?” or “Can you do that for me?”. He never wanted anything for himself. 

She helps him, before he could hurt himself even more and once he’s laying back down on the pillow, his white shirt completely wet from his sweat on the back and his messy hair hiding his eyes so she wouldn’t see the pain in them, she sighs and searches for his pills.

“Want some painkillers?” she’s not sure why she’s asking, she’ll give him some whether he likes it or not because she can’t bear to watch him in pain ”Jesus, Bell, when did you finish this up?” she exclaims surprised when she realizes how light the orange bottle is and looks down at him confused. He opens his eyes again and she has to move his hair away so she can see him, much to his dismay.

“I took three this morning” he explains with a shrug, like it’s not a big deal, but they both know far too well that he shouldn’t overdose like that ”Emori said it’s fine as long as it helps me and I don’t take anymore for the rest of the day.”

“I’ll get it refilled when I go to the pharmacy then” she sighs tiredly as she looks for her bag where she wants to put it, but he grabs her wrist and pulls her back.

“There’s no point.”

“Why?” she furrows her eyebrows and lays back down on the other pillow, searching for the answer in his dark brown eyes.

“Because they don’t really help anymore.” he smiles sadly like he was announcing the weather.

“We’ll get better ones then. I’ll talk to Emori about it.”

“No” he shakes his head stubbornly

“But why not? I don’t get it. You need that!” she raised her voice a little pissed off at him

“Because this is just pain” he explains ”And you know what the doctor said-it’s not going away, so I have to get used to it.” she refused to accept that. There was no way she was going to watch him torture himself every goddamn day ”Plus those things are expensive.”

“Don’t worry about that, I’ve got it all covered.” she promises as she raises her hand and buries it in his messy curls. His hair has grown a bit since the last time he shaved, he didn’t look that serious without his soldier cut, his features despite sharp since he has lost so much weight, were soft-he wanted to smile for her, to convince he’s fine, but he couldn’t fool her, because his eyes were an endless well of misery and self-hatred.

”What are you thinking about, big brother?” she asks him when she sees he’s lost in his own mind

“Remember when we were little and we slept in the same bed together?” he asks and she moves away a curl from his forehead ”You were the devil! You wouldn’t want to fall asleep without me reading you a story.”

“I hated the fairy tales. I always wanted the Greek myths.”

“Yes, because happy endings are for losers, right?” he reminds her the explanation she has given him all those years ago and she slaps him gently on the shoulder, scolding him for teasing her ”But all I ever wanted for you is to be happy, O.” he says after a minute or two later because a cough interrupts him again ”Are you happy? Are you truly happy?” tears gather in her eyes, because she just doesn’t get it how he finds it in him to ask her that when he’s currently going through a pneumonia and barely breathes and his back is hurting him and will keep hurting him for the rest of his life and yet he still…wants for her to be alright.

“I’m happy, Bell” she decides not to fight with him, she wants to give him peace ”I really am, I love Lincoln and although I whine about college all the time, I like it there too” he smiles and this time he moves closer to her so he can see her better and reaches out to squeeze her hand ”But you are not.”

“I don’t deserve to be” he responds so fast that she is taken aback by his words and her eyes widen at his confession, which is why he adds ”I’ve done so many horrible things, O, I’ve killed so many people. I’ve taken fathers away from their kids. War doesn’t justify all that, I still did it. So…it’s okay” he attempts to reassure her ”It’s all fine.”

“It’s not” she shakes her head stubbornly ”You deserve it, you just can’t see it now” she wants to convince him but she sees how tired he is so she lets him grant her a sad smile for a moment and close his eyes as he tries to undergo his pain on his own. 

She promised herself that she won’t stop until one day he is happy as well. He has sacrificed himself for her and she had done nothing in return, but be bitter and angry at him. 

“Wanna talk to me about Clarke?” she decides to change the subject and his eyes snap open at the sound of her name

“What about her?” his voice is barely audible, but she knows it’s not because he’s sick, it’s because he’s hurt.

“You were yelling her name in your sleep, before I woke you up.” she decides to go all in and sees him pull away a bit, trying to close off again ”What was it all about? You were scared to death.”

“It’s nothing” he cuts her off, as usually, when it comes down to his feelings

“She left you” she reminds him ”It’s everything. You grew closer in the past months.”

“She saved my life” he reminds her instead and a dangerous light flashes in his eyes. He really loved her, Octavia thought, if he’s willing to protect her after she ripped his hearth out ”And she did what was right for herself, you know that better than me.”

“But-”

“Please don’t punish her for my mistakes!” he interrupts his stubborn sister only to find her giving him her best pouting face she could, making him smile and ruffle her messy hair just to tease her

“At least admit it!” she huffs when he tries to get away from her because she wants to get it back at him and tickle him or ruffle his hair or just hide away from the world in his chest and hear his heartbeat and remember, her brother was alive. 

She did that all the time lately-initiated hugs, which was fine with him, because he loved his sister, but he knew she was doing it mostly out of fear and he couldn’t blame her. It was similar to what Murphy was doing-he would barge in in the middle of the night to check on him with a bottle of scotch in hand and then in the morning once he woke, he would find his friend sleeping on the floor next to his bed, hugging the empty bottle and snoring loudly, but there, by his side, because they all needed to be reassured now-to be reassured that he’s alive.

“Admit what?” he rolls on his back with a loud groan, which takes most of his strength

“That you like her, you idiot!” he rolls his eyes and pretends not to hear her, but she pushes it ”It’s okay, Bell, even if you don’t say anything, I can see it in your eyes, in the way you act around her. Do you know how much you smile when she’s with you, even when you bicker and fight? “

“So what?” he meets her eyes ”She does not exist to entertain me, O. She is not there to fix me or be around me so that I am not sad. This isn’t her job!” he’s a little pissed off that she’s pressuring him about it.

“I am not saying that!” she raises her voice outraged that he doesn’t get her ”I am not even implying it! I just think you’re great friends and I can see how good you are for one another!” he swallows hard when she lets her words sink in, she really wasn’t trying to say that ”And for the record, she is better around you too.”

“Octavia, you don’t understand, we can’t-” he starts and he really means to explain it all to her, to make her realize that he and Clarke could never really be together, but he’s interrupted by John Murphy loudly opening the door and barging in with a laptop in hands and a very dangerous smile on his face.

”I figured it out!” he announces as if he had discovered a new planet or something like that ”Bellamy, I figured it out and you’re gonna LOVE ME!”

“What the hell is this again, Murphy?” Bellamy sighs a little annoyed because of the pain as he tries to raise himself up on the pillows, his sister standing up as well, throwing angry looks at his friend for no reason

“Emori, sweetheart, can you give me a hand over here” he asks and they notice her coming from behind him and first slapping him in the neck loudly which makes him protest, after which she takes the laptop from his hands and moves to the bed

“What was that about?” Octavia asks confused and Emori just gives her a tired look

“She doesn’t want me to use any endearments” Murphy explains as he rubs his neck ”Says it’s too cheesy” she turns around and gives him a deadly look ”Which of course I totally understand.” he was so in love, it wasn’t even real.

“What did you figure out again?” Bellamy asks tiredly as he sinks into the pillows after moving a little to give Emori space enough so she can sit and turn the screen towards him

“Remember Roan from Team Azgeda?” Murphy goes back to being chipper and proud of himself, of what, nobody knows yet

“I do” he nods and looks at the picture Emori is showing him, reminding him of the guy that he didn’t particularly like, but had tolerated when they had to work on missions together ”I saved his life once after all.”

“Exactly!” Murphy continues in an unusually happy way ”Guess what? He just got promoted to captain!” Bellamy furrowed his eyebrows not really following his friend’s thoughts

“So what? And plus, isn’t he a bit too young to be a captain?” that all sounded kind of unbelievable to him. He was never a big fan of Roan, even though his team was really well-trained, they were kind of…extreme at times. They weren’t bad, but they were too cold and just big show-offs.

“Apparently, he isn’t. He was involved in some important mission that ended up with zero casualties, I guess that’s why they decided he deserves it.”

“I still don’t understand what this has to do with me?” Bellamy asks as he raises himself on the pillows and tries to swallow his grunts as he stares at the screen. It kind of hurt him seeing all the stripes on Roan’s uniform, it reminded him of the fact that he had nothing left. 

“He’s moved back to working in Washington”Murphy explains as he leans on the bedside board near their legs”With his mother-she’s a major, remember? A rank above Kane.”

“Still not following your point, Murphy.” Octavia commented, seeming more confused than Bellamy

“We read that Roan meets with veterans once a month, trying to help them find jobs or listening to their cases if they are somehow wrongly accused of something and never got justice from the system. Apparently, unlike his mother, he has a conscious.”

“So maybe if Bell tells him his story” Octavia finally realizes what he’s trying to say ”He can help?”

“Exactly” Murphy nods eagerly and his empty blind eyes turn to his friend ”Moreover, you saved his life on that mission across the river, remember? He was almost dead! We know that he was trying to find you and thank you after that, remember? Harper told us about it”

“That still doesn’t mean he can do anything” Bellamy’s voice was a little bit shaky, insecure ”Kane has a lot of influence.”

“It’s still worth the shot! We can explain everything to him. And even if he can’t do anything, his mother can!”

“I think it’s a good idea” Bellamy turns to his sister, completely taken aback by her statement. She wasn’t one to support Murphy.

“It’s not only good, it’s the only one we have since you cut off Wells.” Murphy continues with his propaganda of a sort ”He can restore your ranks, your insurance! You know you need that, Bellamy.”

He remains silent for a minute, staring down at the sheets and thinking about the fact that if Kane finds out they’re trying to take him down, he’ll fulfill his promise and hurt those he loves most. Only the thought of the possibility that this dream with Clarke could become reality, made him shiver. He preferred suffering for the rest of his life, without medications and barely any money, than seeing her or his sister or John get hurt.

“Why are you overthinking this so much, Bell?” his sister places a hand over his ”This is the best chance you’ve got at this.”

“I just…don’t want Kane to figure out what we’re doing.“

“He won’t. He’s left for a mission with Jaha three days ago.” Murphy announces proudly

“How do you even know all those stuff, Murphy?” Bellamy changes the subject on purpose, giving himself more time to think this over

“Emori reads me the news every morning” he announces and looks proudly at his girlfriend who grants him a light smile, forgiving him for being a dick before that ”I also have a Facebook, I’ve liked their page over there. You’ve got no idea how many things pop up every day!”

“You have a Facebook?” Bellamy asks absolutely stunned ”Are you kidding me, Murphy?”

“Hey, not all of us are grumpy all dads like you. Plus, I am surprised you even know what that is! I bet you still think Myspace is the thing these days.”

“I don’t even know what to say to this” he’s clearly confused, because he knew that if Murphy was making Emori read him the news, he was only doing that for Bellamy. He can’t remember his friend ever picking a book or anything to read willingly and his heart ached at the thought of him trying to keep up with stuff now just because he wanted to help him.

“Say we’re leaving! I’ve already booked tickets.”

“And when’s that exactly?” Octavia’s worried voice returns and Bellamy hates himself for causing her so much trouble all the damn time. She used to be so careless, now she’s so stressed out all the time because of him.

“Two days from now!”

“No way!” she cuts him off before Bellamy can even open his mouth ”He’s sick, he can barely breathe and you want him to travel! You’re out of your mind if you think I’m gonna let this happen!”

“If we don’t do it now, we’ll have to wait another month for a meeting and I’ve already called. It took me two hours talking over the phone with the most unpleasant secretary called Ontari, trying to squeeze us in his schedule. It is now or never, Octavia!”

“I said-no way, Murphy!” his sister gets up and crosses her hands on her chest, getting ready to fight with him ”Only over my dead body!”

“Then Emori, get me my rifle!” Murphy grows impatient too, they were both right for themselves and Bellamy knew better than anyone that they fought all the damn time, because they clearly disliked each other

“Are you out of your damn mind, Murphy! He’ll only get worse! Is that what you want for him? Have you not thought about this?” they both raise their voices while Bellamy and Emori are trying to interrupt them, though unsuccessfully.

“And have you thought about the fact that without insurance he’s as good as dead! You don’t have enough money for this! None of us do and he needs help! And I am not watching him struggle just because you won’t let me take him there!” John yelled back and Emori stood up ready to come by his side in case and attempt at calming him down. The only one who couldn’t get on his feet was Bellamy.

“You won’t-”

“I will do what I have to for him, he saved my damn life!” they keep yelling at each other to the point where Bellamy couldn’t really understand what they were saying anymore, their loud voices made him cover his ears for a moment so he could get himself together and not get a panic attack or anything of the sort. They didn’t notice this, they were too busy trying to prove the other one wrong.

_“STOP IT!”_ he finally interrupted them and his hoarse but cold voice suddenly make them quiet. They look back at him, all serious and angry with them and they realize they’ve gone too far, even if it was out of love.

”Just stop yelling for god’s sake!” he begs them, his voice breaking a little now and they move away from one another. Somewhere along the way they’ve gotten closer as if ready to fight and Emori was standing nearby in case she needed to tear them apart ”Octavia, I get that you’re worried about me, but Murphy’s right. I either do this now or I don’t do it at all.”

“But-”

“No! This is my decision, I’ll go there and try to fix this. I don’t think that we can afford to wait till next month. You’re taking too many shifts at the diner and I am sure you’re spending some of the college money I’ve left you and I don’t want you sacrificing your education for me.” he cuts her off, praying that she’ll understand what he was trying to say

“Bell, I just want you to be safe” she attempts at explaining and he grants her a weak smile

“I know. But I trust Murphy” he reaches out for her hand and she sits back next to him, squeezing it back ”He has the legs I don’t have and I have the eyes he doesn’t. We’re not as helpless as you two think we are. We can do this.”

“Your sister is right, though” Emori speaks for the first time since this whole fight started ”You can get worse.”

“Murphy,” Bellamy turns to his friend ”Go get me my crutches.” his sister tightens her grip in order to turn his attention back to her and explain ”If I can make it to the living room, we leave in two days. If not, we’ll go next month.”

Murphy smiles as he runs to the other room and comes back with the crutches in hand. He helps him get on his feet and places the crutches in his hands while Octavia and Emori watch and shake their hand, though they are nothing but nervous about this.

“God you stink!” Murphy comments before he moves to the door and waits for his friend to start walking, he was planning to be there in case he fell ”You need a shower!” 

“And you need a haircut, but I ain’t telling you shit about it.” Bellamy jokes back and they keep teasing each other like this. 

Bellamy is afraid to take the first step, but he does it and he’s surprisingly steady. He slowly makes it to the living room, really slowly and Murphy makes jokes about that too until he hits his back in the door and that makes the two friend’s laugh. How they could turn this into a joke, nobody knew, but at least they still had their good sense of humor. 

He makes it there. Barely. But he does. What surprises Octavia is that once he’s there, he turns around and starts walking himself back to bed, even though that wasn’t the original plan.

“Come on, stop it, we’ll help you” she begs of him when she comes to his side

“No, I’ve got it” he responds barely audible as he weakly moves the crutches before making a step “You can’t always be there for me.”

“Don’t be stubborn, please” Octavia tries again, but he shakes his head

“I’m not being stubborn” he explain and turns to look at her ”I’m hopeful.” they stop for a minute and she when she looks into his eyes there’s nothing but pain and misery in there, yet he still wants to do this, he wants to fix things. For her. ”Isn’t that what you wanted for me? To keep fighting?” she nods ”Well let me do it” he turns gently away and keeps on walking.

And she does.

When he finally gets there, he practically collapses on the bed with coughs shaking his entire body and she helps him settle. He’s exhausted and he just wants to sleep, but before he drifts away, he grabs her hand.

“Hey” he opens his eyes just to look at her just when she’s about to leave, because she has another shift at the diner in twenty minutes and she knows she’ll be late ”Can you please check on Clarke later? I just worry about her” he explains and she smiles

“Is that about of the dream?” she asks him, knowing that must be the reason, but he shakes his head

“You know what it’s about, O” he mumbles before he closes his eyes and she sighs as she tucks him in. Yes, she did. 

It’s because he was falling in love with Clarke Griffin.

 

 

 

They were a little bit behind on schedule since they couldn’t pick the movie but have just settled down, when Clarke heard a knock on her door. Monty and Jasper have already eaten half the pop corn while Raven and Wick were bickering on her couch and she was trying not to think about the fact that a movie won’t help her forget that she hasn’t seen either one of her best friends in the last week. And that it had an effect on her.

So she jumps off the couch in the hope that this will be Octavia. But when she opens up and meets her friend’s tired face, she is not sure how happy she should be.

“Octavia!” she still greets her cheerfully ”So you got my messages about the movie night? Come on in” she invites her and the confused look on Octavia’s face tells her something is wrong. They had talked only once after she came home. Octavia has passed by to thank her personally for saving Bellamy, but after that, she didn’t really pick up her phone or answer her texts and Clarke couldn’t figure out what she has done wrong, so she decided to just give her some time.

“You’re having a movie night?” Octavia’s voice was angry, but she still stepped in the small entrance hall

“Yeah, Jasper and Monty are here and so are Wick and Raven” she keeps trying to keep this light and optimistic ”Didn’t you get my texts?” she watched the girl shake her head, but there was something else in her eyes-she was looking at her with despise, like Clarke had just killed a person ”Well, come on in, we’re just getting started.“

“I think I’ll pass” she cuts her off, her voice cold and unwelcome as she turns to the door and grabs the handle ”I’ll see you around, Clarke” before she could respond, the door gets shut in her face and she stays there for a minute, her mouth hanging open until she manages to compose herself and jumps in her trainers before opening the door and rushing down the hallway to Octavia’s apartment only to find her walking slowly to their door.

“Octavia, wait!” she calls her, but the girl doesn’t turn around ”Hey! What’s wrong?” she asks when she catches up on her and grabs her wrist, urging her to turn and face her. She does, but there is a dangerous light in her eyes ”Did I do something?” she’s surprised when Octavia laughs, but it’s not a happy one-it’s mean and sarcastic.

“Did you do something wrong?” she asks rhetorically ”No, Clarke, I guess you didn’t” she turns away ready to start walking again, but Clarke stands in her way

“Why did you come by? What did you wanted to say?” she keeps searching for answers

“I came because my brother was worried about you and he knew well enough that you want nothing to do with him, but he still cared and he wanted me to check on you” her voice digs a whole in her heart and she let’s go of her wrist, because her hand is shaking too hard now ”Clearly, you’re doing just great, so I’ll let him know.”

“You don’t understand” Clarke tries to explain, after realizing that Octavia’s mad at her

“Don’t I?”

“You know why I need some time, Octavia. Better than anyone” Clarke reminds her of the facts, praying that her friend will understand her

“I do. But I also can’t recognize you right now” Octavia admits and her words make Clarke take a step back ”You don’t leave those who need you. You never have and I understand that what he did, has an effect on you, that maybe you need time, but you cut him off completely, you left him out there, all alone after he has almost taken his life away.” she shakes her head ”And that’s not the girl I met all those years ago. That girl cared enough to help others, she didn’t leave her friends without knowing how they are so she could have fun and watch movies.”

“You’re not being fair right now” Clarke tries again, but deep down she feels guilty, because she knows Octavia’s right

“Really? My brother cares so much about you that even though he’s barely talking, he still has it in him to make sure you’re fine.” she moves in closer to her, staring into her eyes, digging holes in her heart ”And what are you doing, Clarke? Making popcorn? I thought he was your friend.”

“He is!”

“He’s not. Because you don’t give a shit about him. You’ve only ever cared about yourself and I thought he was selfish to do what he did, but I was wrong the entire time-it was you who was like that!” she hits her shoulder with hers as she tries to move away and for a minute Clarke stays there, her eyes filling with tears, before she turns around and finds her friend looking for her keys in her bag.

“Octavia, please” she doesn’t even look up ”Is he alright?”

“Now you ask me that!” she jabs the key in the lock and turns one last time to face her ”Stay away from my brother!” at which she disappears behind the door, leaving Clarke crying in the middle of the hallway-alone and heartbroken.


	13. The text message

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thank you all for your reviews and for your opinions on the whole Octavia/Clarke scene, that was interesting to read. Merry Christmas to all of you who are celebrating! I hope you have a wonderful day! And I hope you like this chapter. Just fyi there isn't much left of this fic, probably one or two chapters and an Epilogue.

_One._

He takes a deep breath and feels his lungs shatter inside him, his whole body hurts and if it’s not for Murphy to support him, he wouldn’t be able to lift his feet and walk.

_Two._

He knows he’s tiring his friend as well. He might’ve lost some weight in the past few months since he came back from hell, but he was still taller and heavier than Murphy.

_Three._

He stops and grabs the railing and for a moment he closes his eyes wondering if he’ll ever make it up to that damn floor. Eighteen more steps to go, it’s not that much, he has fought in war, he has picked up his rifle with shaky numb hands and shot at people after he was being hurt, he could most definitely make it up to the damn floor.

_Four._

He has to get to her.

“Are you sure that this is a good idea?” Murphy asks him as they stop again, his ragged breathing scares his friend and he knows that the calm facade he is giving him is just another one of Murphy’s perfectly mastered masks ”She might not even be here.”

“She is. I called the hospital, she left only an hour ago” Bellamy responds as he takes another step.

_Five._

Great, just fifteen more to go and a short hallway and he would make it. 

“Stalker!” Murphy accuses him of it, but Bellamy doesn’t have the strength to respond. 

After his sister came home yesterday raging like a goddamn hurricane he knew that something has happened and she didn’t need much pushing to just burst out in an angry speech about how wrong her best friend was. Which of course wasn’t true. He had to talk to her, he had to fix this, because it wasn’t right. Clarke hasn’t done anything wrong

”Look, you know I am not one to stop you usually, but we have to leave today and you seem exceptionally bad” Murphy really isn’t one to scold him and that’s how Bellamy knows he must look like hell. But he couldn’t care less ”Can’t the blondie meeting wait till we get back from Washington?”

“No” Bellamy responds stubbornly after taking two more steps. 

Murphy grunts when for a second there they almost stumble and curses that they’ll fall right back. They shouldn’t have left alone, but Emori had a shift at the hospital and Octavia was working as well-they were on their own. It seemed to Murphy that Bellamy was up to something this morning and once his sister left the apartment, it took his friend less than a few seconds to push the blanket off himself and try to sit up, stating that they’re leaving. He hasn’t tried to stop him…he knew there was no point. So they just picked each other up as best as they could and left for the subway. People threw them either angry or disgusted glances, some even pitied them as they tried to make their way through the crowd, but they were oblivious to it all. They had been soldiers all their lives and getting to the subway might be a challenge on a lower level, but they certainly weren’t going to give up.

”I need to talk to her.”

“I got that” Murphy huffs as if annoyed with him ”I just don’t understand why it can’t wait! It’s a few days we’re talking about.”

“We don’t know what will happen when we get to D.C” Bellamy explains when they stop for a break on the thirteenth step ”What if they lock me up, because they find me guilty for the Finn accident? What if Roan needs us to stay longer so I can testify? What if I get worse and can’t come home?” Bellamy tried reasoning with him ”I am not waiting.” he stubbornly repeated ”I’m not leaving her thinking she should carry any guilt about what’s happening to me.” 

“Just admit it” Murphy ignored all his friend’s suggestions about things getting wrong, because he didn’t want to say out loud that he has thought about it all as well. “You want to see her and give her the heart eyes. You can’t fool me behind your noble intentions, Blake.” 

“Shut up, Murphy!” Bellamy scolds and his friend would’ve given him a wicked smile was it not for the fact that when he looked at him, he seemed paler than before and his words were barely a whisper.

“All I am saying is that I don’t understand why you can’t just admit it that you care about her. And not just as friends.” he pulls Bellamy’s hand tighter around his neck as they take three more steps, they’re almost there and he curses the fact that the elevator isn’t working. Things just had to get harder for them.

“Because everyone I care about either gets hurt or dies” this is the first time he talks about it seriously and there’s something in his voice that sounds broken beyond repair. 

“Oh my God, you’re such a cliche, Blake” Murphy jokes about it, but he’s actually angry. Angry that he dares think like that, believing that he can’t be happy, because he will hurt someone ”This is the stupidest thing I’ve heard you say in your entire life. Not even that time when you went out on that suicide mission to save our asses have you been that dumb.”

“Murphy…” he wants to explain, but he doesn’t have the strength to do so, instead he attempts to lift his foot and take the last step, but he fails and trips, almost sending them to the ground. Murphy catches the railing and steadies them, just barely and he decides to stop and give him some time to rest.

“You of all people should’ve realized by now how short life is. If you want to be with someone-do it. Don’t waste time” Bellamy stares at his blind but full of truth eyes ”We don’t know how much we have left.”

“Who…was…” a cough interrupts him, but Murphy acts as if nothing’s wrong with his friend and just waits patiently for him to be able to take his breath again ”a cliche again?” he gives him a half-smile that Murphy can’t see, but know it’s there.

“Oh, shut up!” they start walking again and once they finally make it, getting to her door seems like the easiest thing they’ve had to do today. 

Bellamy presses the doorbell with his shaky hand and they can hear someone’s step from the inside. It seemed like she tripped over something because a curse was heard and when she finally got to the door and swung it open, she froze in her place. The two broken soldiers were for sure, the last thing she thought she would see today. 

“Hey, Clarke” Bellamy greets her with a weak smile and Murphy tries to prop their hunched figures a little bit. She looks at him and she pushes away any words that first came to her once she saw him. He’s dressed in old washed out jeans and a dark green plain t-shirt, over which someone has put a black sweater, that hung loosely over his arms, just to keep him a little bit warmer. She assumed it must’ve been Murphy to help him out, because in the state he was in, he surely couldn’t have done it himself.

“Blondie” Murphy greeted her with a sharp nod, it seemed as if he was starting to have a hard time supporting his friends and she couldn’t figure out why he didn’t just use his crutches.

“What are you guys doing here?”

“That is a very good question” Murphy huffs and Bellamy throws him an angry look before turning to her

“I’m sorry, I know that you probably don’t want to see me at all, but I was wondering if you could give me a few minutes so we could talk.” he spoke slowly, taking his time with pronouncing the words and his breathing was shallow and fast-he couldn’t catch his breath. His cheeks were flushed but not in that healthy way, more like because he was burning up, yet his hair, that was sticking out in all the different directions, was still the thing that made her heart clench.

“Of course” he seemed surprised that she agreed so fast. She seemed tired to him, exactly like he saw her in his dream, only she had her pajamas on and the dark circles under her eyes make the blue in them lose it’s usual spark. She was exhausted ”Come on in.” she pulls away from the door to make room for them to squeeze in but Murphy pulls himself from under Bellamy who leans on the door frame for support.

“Fortunately for me, I’ll pass on this one and wait downstairs” he announces, determination in his blind eyes ”He has pneumonia and he’s barely standing on his feet so please make him seat no matter how hard he fights you” he asks of her as if Bellamy is not there and she nods, worry covering her face as he gets an explanation about why he looks so bad

“You’ve got it” she promises and watches him make his way back to the stairs. 

“I’m sorry again” his hoarse voice brings her attention back to him ”I’ll only be a few minutes, I don’t have much time as it is.” she shakes her head, attempting to convince him it was fine, but before she could say something he starts trying to get himself in on his own and she hurries to come by and help. Being pressed to his side reminds her of all the times they’ve been so close to one another, but the way his weak body moves through her living room scares her. Maybe Octavia was right-she shouldn’t have left him like this. It ruined him even more.

When she helps him settle down on the couch, she stays right beside him, though not as close to him and he notices it, but doesn’t let it show. He can’t blame her for not wanting to be anywhere near him, not after what she had witnessed in her life. She expects him to start talking right away, but he doesn’t and there is a long minute of uncomfortable silence that is just so unusual for them, which is why she speaks up first.

“Is there something I can do for you?” she asks the most logical thing, her voice is filled with warmth and worry, because yes she might still be a little pissed off with him, but mostly, she has gotten over her anger and tried to replace it with understanding. It was hard…but what was harder was seeing him so torn up like this. 

“I uh…I just wanted to talk to you before I leave” he nervously runs his hand through his hair ”I know my sister and you had a fight and I just wanted you to know that none of what she told you is true” his words flow more naturally now, once he has gotten over his initial nervousness. He wants to stretch his hand and put it over hers, but he restrains himself ”I don’t want you to…” he takes a deep breath and tries to swallow down his coughs ”feel bad for living your life. I absolutely understand that you need time and that you hate me for what I did for you and you have every right to-”

“It’s not true” she interrupts him and his head snaps at her, surprise evident in his eyes. She shakes her head once more ”I don’t hate you, Bellamy, I never did. And I am sorry if I made you think like that.”

“Please do not apologize to me” he begs of her sincerely ”I don’t deserve it.”

“I think you do” she raises her voice a little as she attempts to cover how shaky it is ”I think Octavia might’ve been right, at least to some extent-I needed time, but I shouldn’t have cut you off completely. I should’ve at least asked if you’re doing fine.”

“No” he disagrees passionately with her ”No, you have every right to do what you did. I made you go through hell once again after you’ve already been through it with everything that happened with your dad.” there are tears in her eyes now and he is taken aback when it is her who puts his hand over his, squeezing it a bit.

“That’s why I came here. Because I know you’re beating yourself up when you shouldn’t be”he continues when he intertwines his fingers with her. 

Their hands fall in one another like they’re naturally made to complete each other and connect them, bring them together

”I want you to live your life” there are tears in both their eyes ”I want you to be happy. So-” he tries to clear his throat but a violent cough interrupts him and he turns away from her, trying to hide away how disgusting he feels, how sick and awful he looks. 

His body is shaken by his awful coughs and he feels embarrassed-maybe Murphy was right, maybe he shouldn’t have come here right now, the way that he was. He can’t catch his breath, there’s not enough air and he feels like he’s suffocating when he senses her small warm hand on his back. She says something, calls his name, but he can’t make much out of anything until she disappears and comes back to him with a glass of water, helping him take a few sips as he keeps shaking. 

“Hey, just breathe alright” she begs of him and grabs his face with her hands ”Come on” she says once more, stubbornly. She wanted him to fight-and so he breathes in and our until he calms down. 

He is so tired, he’s barely keeping his eyes opened and he has no idea when he has leaned slightly forward probably searching for something to support himself when his forehead touches hers.

His eyes snap open and he realizes she’s staring at his lips. He is mesmerized and taken aback-nobody has ever looked him with that much love in his life. He whispers her name, because he can’t really talk right now and his hand moves to her cheek-he knows it’s wrong, he knows he shouldn’t, but when her eyes meet his and he doesn’t see a trace of doubt in them, he can’t believe his luck.

He’s frozen, though he can’t make himself move and he doesn’t really need to-he can stand there and look at her for days without getting sick of it-she was just that beautiful.

But she doesn’t want to wait. 

It has been long enough and she has buried all the feelings so deep inside her, trying to ignore them and convince herself that she didn’t burn with the desire to kiss him every time he touched her hand or that her heart filled with love and joy whenever he neglected his own well being for hers and asked how her day was or scolds her that she has to eat. 

And she goes back months ago to that one night when they’ve been watching movies together and she has fallen asleep only to wake up hours later from the light coming from the kitchen, to see him moving slowly on one crutch towards her, while clutching a blanket under his other armpit and then coming to her and covering her up after placing a kiss on her forehead. 

She couldn’t remember the last time anyone has cared for her like that, but she also couldn’t get rid of this imagine of him just standing there in the dark, the dim light only making him look more pale and skinny than he already was, wrecked and broken as he was, he had managed to give her a smile and she knew right there that he was a good man. And she knew right there…that she was in love with him.

But out of fear she had buried all those thoughts away.

And out of fear he had hid away his own feelings-because he knew he would hurt her and he wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he did. 

She knew all that. And she was tired of it.

She was tired of fear controlling their lives.

So she leaned down, unafraid and let her lips collide with his. And it wasn’t violent or filled with lust, it wasn’t as if they were teens who couldn’t contain their hormones, it wasn’t as if they were two raging with pain seas that just didn’t know what to do with themselves-no. It wasn’t like that at all-it was gentle, slow, warm-they melted into one another and yes, it didn’t magically make the world alright, it didn’t fix their broken hearts or made it all suddenly perfect, but it brought something better-it brought them peace. 

Even though he was the one caught by surprise, she felt his hand shot to her neck only seconds after and as she kept kissing him, she lightly smiled. She knew he wouldn’t be able to catch his breath soon, though, so she slowly, carefully, unwillingly pulled away from him, but not too far, she still pressed his forehead to his and listened to their heavy breathing.

“Clarke” he called her but she was at first afraid to open her eyes, she wanted to stay like this for a while

“I know what you’re going to say” she whispers back and disrupts their peace much to her unwillingness. She moves away from him but only inches, so she could look into his eyes better ”That this is wrong.”

“I’m broken” he just shakes his head sadly

“So am I.” she smiles weakly but he just shakes his head ever more persistently

“Look at me” he whispers and she does, she sees him for who he is-for that good kind-heart person who risked his life for his country, who went all the way there so he could support his sister, who basically has been acting as a father figure all his life, who has tried to keep all of his friends safe and she loves that person. But all he sees in him is the bad stuff, the wrecked stuff and she hates it.

“I am” she convinces him as she takes his hand in hers again ”And there’s nothing wrong with you.”

“Everything is wrong with me. Everything is messed up and I don’t want to mess your life either.”

“Stop it!” she scolds him, slightly raising her voice and regretting it because she has forgotten how weak mentally he still also is and sees him jump a little ”Just…stop it and tell me if you feel the same way I do.” she begs of him ”Do you like me that way?” he smiles, warmly, gently and cups her cheek, any trace of doubt gone from his face

“Do you even have to ask that, Clarke?” she leans onto his shoulder and buries her head in his chest, letting him run his fingers through his hair ”I’ve had the biggest crush on you ever since you and my sister came to check on me that day when I had fallen, remember?” she nods but refuses to move, she likes being there.

“Then let’s just try this? We don’t have to rush into it, let’s just…take it slowly.” she suggests and when he leans to kiss her forehead, it’s not enough for her so she moves her head up suddenly before he has pulled away and with her hand at the back of his neck she makes him come closer, so she would kiss him.

“So much for slowly, huh? You’re already contradicting yourself” he jokes and pokes her while pulling her closer to his chest. He refuses to let her go, can’t believe it’s real ”Are you sure, Clarke?” he asks again ”I can wait as much as you want to, I know that after what I did-”

“Do you know what I was doing when you rang on the door?” she asked him gently and he shook his head confused ”I was about to change my clothes and come to Murphy’s place.” she states and his eyes go wide

“Really?” his voice is barely audible, he can’t believe it so she squeezes his hand again in a desperate attempt to reassure him. They didn’t always need to use words, it was enough for them to look at one another and understand everything perfectly.

“I know that I said I needed time” she begins and remembers her conversation with Octavia, which yes, hurt, but also made her realize some things for herself ”But what I was doing was pretending” she looks up at him again ”I was thinking about you all the time and I was trying to forget everything that happened that day, but that’s not how it works. And it’s not who I am-I don’t just abandon those I care about.”

“You did what you had to do” he wants to convince her she hasn’t done anything wrong ”For yourself.”

“I could’ve stayed mad at you but still care enough to ask how you were. And I didn’t.” she keeps bashing on herself and he hates it, because he truly believes it-she was right to leave, she was right to take care of herself. It wasn’t her job to fix him or help him ”It took me some time to realize that you don’t ease pain” she smiles sadly ”You overcome it.” he swallows hard at her words and looks away for a moment. He brought her pain. He was the reason for it all ”Hey, what’s on your mind?” 

“Nothing, I was just thinking” he lies and she furrows her eyebrows, she knows there’s something going on in his head, but she lets him kiss her forehead once more before he speaks up again ”I have to tell you something, though-Murphy and I are leaving for Washington tonight.”

“What?” she straightens herself up a bit ”Why?”

“We’re going to meet up with this guy…Roan” he explains ”I saved his life once and we heard he’s helping vets. Murphy arranged a meeting and we’ll try to explain the whole Kane situation” she is alright with this. What she disagrees with is that he’s too sick to travel, but she knows damn well she won’t change his mind.

“What do you think will happen?”

“I don’t know” he admits ”But things might go wrong if they accuse me of something or if Kane figures out what I’m doing it might all go to hell, so…promise me you’ll be more careful, okay?” his mind goes back to his dream and he slightly shivers.

“I will” she knows how much he needs her reassurance, but even despite her words, his brow is furrowed and he seems worried so she snuggles in his chest and lets him run his hand up and down her back or stroke her hair as he leaves gentle kisses on her forehead every now and then. She has no idea how long they stay like this but she knows she’s starting to fall when a loud knock on the door sends them both jumping from their seats. 

“Please tell me you two are not fucking so I can come in!” they hear Murphy’s voice and immediately calm down. They must’ve talked for a while, though, if he has come back here.

“Get in, Murphy, it’s opened!” Clarke yells and he slowly opens the door of her small place and makes a few steps in before abruptly stopping.

“Oh my God” he mumbles after a minute of complete silence where he just stares at them with his blind eyes ”You two totally made out!”

“How on earth would you even know, you can’t even see us!” Bellamy huffs pretending to be annoyed but pulls Clarke closer to his chest.

“I can sense it” Murphy grants them his widest smile ”You two would totally bang right now was it not for you being sick” he points at Bellamy ”And you being so sleepy!” his finger moves to Clarke ”Hell yes!” he exclaims then ”FUCKING FINALLY! It took you long enough!”

“Murphy, calm down, please” Bellamy tries again but Clarke is chuckling at his friend’s enthusiasm and the slight blush on her cheeks makes him want to lean down and just kiss her again

“I’m not calming down, I am calling Emori! She owes me 50 bucks.”

“Did you two really bet on us?” Bellamy pretends to be outraged as he moves away from Clarke who seems just as surprised at this revelation ”I am gonna kill you, John!”

“Oh shut up, it’s been months and I lost so many bets, let me just enjoy this.“ Murphy waves his hand as if unbothered by their behavior and Bellamy is about to protest again when he feels Clarke’s hand on his shoulder and turns around to face her sleepy yet still so full of love eyes. 

“Hey” she whispers as she leans closer and kisses his cheek ”Let the kid have fun, he deserves it.”

“He’s our kid now?” Bellamy asks, raising his eyebrow while listening Murphy curse as he tries to press something on his phone, most probably to call Emori

“Someone has to take care of him” she shrugs and he smiles as their lips collide again. She’s not only willing to accept him and all his problems in her life but she’s also thinking about his only living friend and is well-being. How could he not love her? 

“YES!” Murphy exclaims and they part away only to see him actually taking a picture of them ”I HAVE EVIDENCE NOW!”

“Oh my god…” Bellamy shakes his head and he would’ve laughed was he not interrupted by another cough which sends Murphy to his side, any trace of humor abandoned the minute he needs him ”Calm down, I’m fine” he tries to shake him off, but Clarke is relentless and her hands shots at his forehead

“You shouldn’t travel” she states worriedly when she realizes that he’s burning up but he shakes his head

“I’m fine. I want this over with.” she sighs knowing far too well that she won’t change his mind.

“Hate to interrupt you guys, but we have to go Bellamy” Murphy says and he nods, agreeing with him. He places one last kiss on her forehead, but she won’t have that, he’s leaving and they don’t know how long it take him to come back, she needs a proper goodbye, so she pulls him back and they kiss, making Murphy huff as if annoyed and they separate.

“Be safe” she whispers before she sends them off

“You too” he squeezes her hand one last time and on their way home he has the biggest smile on his face, which is the reason why Murphy would never stop teasing him about Clarke Griffin.

And for the first time in forever, he doesn’t mind at all.

 

 

Later that evening Clarke receives a bunch of messages from him and can’t wait to read them all during the break between her shifts. She has decided to take one extra so that she could have more free time once he comes back and she is willing to push her own limits and break her own non-sleeping record. She pulls out her phone only to see Bellamy’s failed attempts at texting-he wasn’t great at it, alright, but he was trying. He has send her a picture of sleeping Murphy and right under it he has written

_I am happy to inform you our child is sleeping even though he was claiming he would be taking care of me, his old man._

_Isn’t he adorable?_ he has added after another picture where Murphy was drooling on the pillow next to Bellamy’s.

_Are you two sleeping in the same bed?_ she sends and she doesn’t expect an answer since it was pretty late, but less than a minute later she gets another text.

_Don’t look at me, he booked the damn room_ Bellamy responds and she imagines his pouting face, even though she knows he only minds this because he’s afraid he’ll wake Murphy with his nightmares.

_If I knew those were the sleeping arrangements, I would’ve totally joined you._

_You wanna sleep in one bed with Murphy?_ he asks surprised

_We could kick him on the floor_ she sends and blushes imagining herself next to Bellamy. It’s not like she hasn’t slept with him before, but back then it was different, back then he was sick and she was just being a good friend. Now she would kill to snuggle next to his side, bury her head in his chest, feel less lonely.

_We are not sending our child to sleep on the cold hard ground, Clarke_ he pretends to be outraged and she chuckles

_He’s been to war, he has slept everywhere_ she tries to reason and he can’t fight her on it.

_Okay, maybe we are sending our child on the cold hard ground. But Emori is gonna end us and I am not dealing with angry Emori!_

_Fine, we’ll just give him an extra blanket and not tell anyone._ she compromises as she adds I have to go, break is almost over. _Good luck tomorrow and call me when it’s all over, alright?_

_Of course he promises For once in my life, I can’t wait to come home._ he knows it’s cheesy, but he adds it, because he’s being honest.

_I can’t wait for you to come home too. Keep our child safe! Listen to him and take your meds, alright?_ she adds one last time before she locks the screen and shoves the phone in her pocket, she was late and she didn’t want to be scolded by Nyko for slacking because she’s chatting with Bellamy. She hears the familiar buzzing telling her he has send her one last message, but she doesn’t get to check it because she sees Nylah, one of their new interns heading off to her.

“Hey, there’s this guy who came with a pretty bad cut and I am having problems stitching him up” she knows Clarke won’t scold her or shut her down and she’s right, because Clarke grants her a smile and for a moment forgets all about her phone ”He seems a bit drunk, can you give me a hand?”

“Sure thing” Nylah smiles relieved and takes her down one of the examination rooms where they see a big guy in his thirties sitting and staring at them angrily as he holds his bloody hand ”Hello..” Clarke checks the file Nylah hands her ”Mr. Emerson” she smiles politely even though all he does is stare at her as if she’s the worst person on the planet. 

It’s not the first time she threats someone like this, they were actually quite common and she doesn’t pay attention to the fact that he has dog tags hanging from his neck and that he looks too well-put to be just a guy who’s training for fun. He misses all those signs, because she doesn’t think it’s something to worry about and because her mind is still somewhere back with Bellamy, who’s sent her picture of Murphy drooling all over the pillow. 

And inside, she’s glowing, she is happy, she is hopeful. She couldn’t care less about what wounds she had to stitch or what kind of grumpy person she had to deal with.

“Let me see your hand” she asks and nods at Nylah, who understands perfectly without many words, that she has to assist her and so she turns to grab the gauzes and the bandages they’ll need. Clarke is too busy looking at her, making sure she’ll get the right things.

“Of course” something in his voice bothers her, but she still doesn’t turn right away ”I will show you my hand.”

The next thing she knows, she feels him squeezing her arms and when she turns around, she only manages to gasp scared once she feels him too close to her. He has jumped from the bed and was pushing her back. Everything was happening too fast for her to even fight it, but she feels her body try to resist him, yet she’s not that fast and she only manages to register him pulling something short, but shiny out of his jean’s pocket-a knife.

He stabs her somewhere on the right side in her ribs and smiles wickedly as her eyes go wide, before pushing the blade out and hitting once more, this time higher.

“Captain Kane is sending Bellamy Blake his best regards” he whispers in her ear ”You could tell him he’s next” she squeezes her eyes shut, not only because of the pain, but also because she panics ”That is, if you survive.”

With that he pushes her off of him and she feels herself falling, somewhere in the distance, she can recognize Nylah’s screams, but she doesn’t have enough strength to get up and help her.

She breaths in, but it’s painful and her hand instinctively moves to her right side only so she can raise it and see the blood. She knows she has to do something, call someone for help, _call Bellamy_ , but she can’t, she’s in so much pain and she feels herself losing consciousness.

Yet she tries to shove her hand in her pocket and tightly wraps in around her phone. But she never gets to warn him, she also never gets to see that his last message read _I miss you, Clarke._


	14. The happy middle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I am not sure if this will be the last chapter and if I'll jump right onto the epilogue with the next update or if I'll write one more, I haven't decided it all yet. This is a longer one and it took my a while to write it since I am struggling with my own demons lately, but I hope you enjoy it. Also, if you want to personally yell at me you can find me at broodybellamys.tumblr.com

She felt a weird twisting tug in her stomach as she came back to consciousness-slowly and completely unpredictably. It was as if her eyelids weighed a ton and she could barely lift them. A silent moan escaped her lips when someone’s hands touched her shoulders, pushing her back. Was she trying to get up? How stupid is she, she can’t even open her eyes. 

But something inside her urged her, she felt as if she has something to do, to say, to someone who she loved, but it was such a blur in her mind right now that she couldn’t make sense of anything.

And then the sound came back to her, voices, a familiar one, but one she hadn’t heard in a while.

“Hey, Clarke, it’s fine sweetie, open your eyes” a gentle hand cupped her cheek and she titled her head to the side, before finally opening up her eyes. At first she couldn’t make out the person who was lingering above her, the lights coming from the ceiling blinded her and she tried to move her whole body to the left, which only caused her unbearable pain somewhere in her right side and her hand which was also too heavy to lift, somehow despite this, found it’s way there.

“You better not move too much right now, doctor Griffin” another voice again familiar startled her and she finally made out the features of doctor Nyko, whose large hands were trying to keep her down on her pillow as she fought him for some strange reason, for some feeling inside her that said _“You have to do something! But you don’t remember what!”_

“Welcome back, Clarke” the first voice came again and she turned only to see her mother smiling down on her. 

It’s been so long since they saw each other, last time they did, it was for the anniversary of her father’s death. She loved her mother, but after her father had killed himself, they drifted apart, both feeling guilt over what has happened. And no matter how hard they tried, they could never make it go back to the way things were before. Clarke has always been closer to her father, but she loved spending time with her mom in the hospital, learning things from her, she had always inspired her to help people and she never pressured her into the medical profession, but she was happy and proud when Clarke told her she wants to go to be a doctor. 

“Mom?” her voice wasn’t hers and when she uttered those words she realized she couldn’t recognize it. Her mom noticed right away what was bothering her so she helped her take a few sips from a plastic glass full of water ”What are you doing here?” she was so confused ”What happened?” she turned to doctor Nyko when she asked her last question

“Don’t you remember?” he asks gently ”You were attacked by a drunk soldier” when he says the word soldier it all comes back to her, texting with Bellamy in her break, then Nylah meeting her in the hallway asking her to help out, then the guy and his words.

“Oh my God!” she covers her mouth with her hand

“It’s fine, Clarke, they caught him and he’s detained” her mother tries to explain as she sees her panic, but she doesn’t realize that this is not why Clarke is worried ”He can’t hurt you anymore.”

“No, no” she shakes her head and tries to sit up, but they both protest loudly and push her back on the pillows ”You don’t understand!” she tries as she attempts to fight them, but her mother’s hands are holding her wrists ”Bellamy! We have to warn him” she turns to Nyko, because he knows who she’s talking about ”He said he’ll hurt him we have to find him!”

“Are you talking about that boy with the messy hair, the freckly face and the crutches who has been waiting in front of your room for the past three days?” her mom asks and Clarke can see that the way she says it, she’s not too happy with Bellamy, but at the same time she can’t process the new information

“Three days?” she asks warily ”I’ve been out for that long?”

“Well technically it’s four” Nyko explains ”You had a long surgery and a bad concussion from the fall, you definitely wasn’t in any rush to wake up.”

“We were beginning to worry” her mother adds and just now she sees how tired her eyes look and how big the dark circles surrounding them are. And she feels guilty ”You’ll be alright though” she promises ”But you have to take it easy, okay? No getting up yet. And you need to eat and rest.”

“Your friends have been camping in the hallway every day” Nyko explains when Clarke’s eyes fall on the familiar Raven ponytail and her bomber jacket passing by her window, which makes her furrow her eyes in confusion which the doctor notices ”They were going to strangle me in order to get some update on your condition.”

“Can I see them?” she asks hopefully and even though she can see her mom’s reluctance, Nyko nods but not without making her promise that she won’t pull any stunts and that she’ll be a good patient.

“No more than fifteen minutes” her mom adds earning a tired sigh of protest from Clarke ”And then you and I will talk” that part Clarke definitely didn’t like, knowing that this will have to do with her mom questioning her exactly what happened and why it happened that way and what does it all have to do with Bellamy who she clearly didn’t like.

But before she can even think about that, Nyko and her mom leave the room and less than thirty seconds later it was filled with her friends-Raven, Monty, Jasper all of them rushing to her bedsides, talking too fast, taking her hand in theirs, smiling, asking her questions. 

“How are you? Are you alright? Where does it hurt?” Jasper, small always-joking-around Jasper was worried about her and it made her heart swell ”Can I hug you or will we pull a stitch?”

“Jasper, let the girl breathe, Jesus” Raven scolded him with a playful pat on his shoulder ”Are you really fine, Clarke?“

“I’m good guys, promise” she tries to reassure them as she squeezes her friend’s hand and lets Jasper bury his head in her shoulder for a short while

“We thought you were gone” he mumbles before he pushes away

“Jasper, you don’t say such stuff to people!” Monty cuts him off as he shakes his head ”I always knew you didn’t want to wake up cause you liked the anesthesia a bit too much” he winked at her and her eyes watered. They would always make her feel better even when things were so damn shitty.

“Yeah” Jasper agreed as if it was the most logical thing in the universe for Clarke to prefer to be drugged than to admit it that she might’ve never woken up and just leave them here alone ”If you need to relieve the pain” he whispered ”Monty and I can sneak you up something that will make you very very happy.” at that Clarke laughed but that just caused her pain and they were back at looking down at her worriedly and asking her not to move. Honestly, she loved them way too much for words to even be able to express it.

“I’m really fine” she tries to calm them down again ”I honestly can’t wait to get out of here.”

“Jesus, you and my brother are really competing at who is going to be the more stubborn one” they all stop talking and when Raven pulls back, Clarke sees Octavia standing in the doorway. 

She seemed like she hasn’t slept in a couple of days,just like her mom, worry was filling her eyes, but she was good at covering her pain away. Bellamy was still a bit better at it than her, Clarke thought. She smiled at her but Octavia looked away as if ashamed of herself as she crossed her hands over her chest but not in an angry way, more like, she was trying to keep all those feelings from pouring out. The Blake siblings and their inability to talk about their emotions would never seize to amaze Clarke.

She and Octavia hadn’t had a conversation since their fight and for a minute the atmosphere in the room gets awkward until Raven, of course Raven, breaks the silence.

“I think we should give those two strong headed idiots a few minutes, huh?” she suggests and Monty and Jasper agree but they promise they’ll be back again tomorrow with lots of stuff for her to eat. 

They slowly leave the room, each of them eyeing Octavia as if they are afraid she’ll burst out yelling at them any time now, but once the door is closed, her friend doesn’t move forward or look at her for a few minutes.

“You know you really scared the shit out of me?” she states as if angry that Clarke could’ve gotten herself in this situation in the first place, though the truth is, she was just pissed at the world for being so unfair.

“I know” Clarke says gently ”I’m sorry.” at that Octavia grunts

“Why are you sorry, you didn’t stab yourself!” she says and Clarke can see her breaking down and desperately trying to hold herself together ”I swear if I ever find this idiot I am going to-”

“Octavia” Clarke stretches her hand urging her to come closer and the girl takes a few steps but keeps talking angrily

“And I will make him sorry that he was even born and-”

“O, please” Clarke smiles, again her heart filling with love for her best friend.

“And then I’ll make sure he never gets to use-”

“Hey, shh” Clarke whispers as they finally take each other’s hands. 

Octavia meets her eyes and Clarke can see how hard she’s fighting her tears back because it would be hell freezing over if Octavia Blake ever admits she cries. She brushes away a lost tear that came down her cheek as if angry that she’s allowed it to spill and squeezes Clarke’s hand so hard, she feels like it’s breaking.

“I’m sorry” she finally says ”I’m so sorry for saying all those stuff to you, I wasn’t right, I was just so worried about my brother and I felt like we’re all alone and-”

“Octavia,” Clarke puts her other hand over theirs ”It’s fine.”

“It’s not, I-” she tries to protest, but Clarke shakes her head.

“It’s fine.” she looks her in the eyes and with that she tells her that the conversation is over. They are alright, she has forgiven her and right now she is just happy to have her here. Octavia leans down and hugs her, keeping her in her arms for longer than she usually does and when they finally separate she looks away, waiting for her tears to dry but not letting Clarke see them

”Is Bellamy alright?” she finally asks the question that’s been on her mind ever since she woke up ”Is he hurt?” Octavia looks up and hurries to shake her head.

“He’s fine. Well…actually he kind of went crazy when he found out what happened.” she explains and the worry in her eyes is back ”He blames himself a lot, he knows it’s Kane who did it. Murphy and I had to stop him from going rogue and trying to find Emerson and kill him.It was quite the fight, he has gotten his rifle out and he was trying to move on one crutch.” Clarke felt like if she was awake she would’ve kicked his ass for trying to kill himself.

“But he’s fine?” she’s afraid someone might be lying to her because of her condition but Octavia’s eyes are honest.

“Except for the fact that he hasn’t slept and looks like shit, yes” Octavia reassures her ”I’m sure he’s probably going insane right now.”

“Can you-” Clarke started down at her hands as if embarrassed ”Can you let him in please?” Octavia smiled and squeezed her hand one last time before she leaned down to give her a hug and headed for the door.

Much to her surprise, he took a while before he finally made his way in. She could hear Octavia talking to him outside, arguing loudly, but his voice was barely audible and she couldn’t catch his responses. She saw Murphy passing by the window, his hands buried in his head, looking as if he he’s had enough of it and she felt like something’s wrong. A nasty feeling settled in her stomach- _Was Octavia lying to her? Why did John look so troubled? Was there something they weren’t telling her?_

When the door opened she involuntarily moved up which made her groan a little, but she suppressed it as soon as she saw him.

Honestly, if she thought her friends look tired, she was wrong-Bellamy was a hundred times worse. Just like his sister, he didn’t face her right away, it was like, he was afraid to come close, because he felt that even by being here, he could ruin her life or something bad would happen. He was dressed in his old blue jeans, had a washed out brown shirt on, his hands were wrapped around the handles of his crutches but what caught her attention was that his knuckles were bandaged. Did he fight someone?

“Are you going to look me in the eyes and come close or are you going to stand there and blame yourself over nothing?” she finally breaks the silence hoping to help him change his mind but he doesn’t move.

“I can’t look you in the eyes” his voice surprises her. It’s not only hoarse (his voice has always been hoarse and very deep) but…weak. It startled her, clearing the last remains of tiredness from her eyes.

“Why?” she changes her voice too, she’s confused.

“Because that means admitting that this nightmare is real” he responds and tightens the grip on his crutches.

“Get your stupid ass over here, Bellamy” she tries scolding him. Scolding him always worked. But not this time. He didn’t move, he was still stubbornly staring at his feet, at his shabby old trainers that she was sure would just tear up one day probably soon ”Okay, fine, say it so we can be done with it” she makes him and he seems a bit confused by her suggestion ”Say it, Bellamy” she’s pushing him, she knows that’s the only way she’ll ever make him to come to her and yes she’s horrible to do it, but she can’t watch him like that, beating himself up for this ”Come on, I thought that’s your favorite thing to do-putting all the blame on your shoulders even though none of what happens is ever your fault.” she crosses her hands on her chest and finally gets a reaction out of him. He looks up.

“Except this time, it is my fault, Clarke.”

“There you go” she angrily throws her hands in the air ”I can’t believe it! I can’t believe I just woke up and I have to fight you all over again!”

“Clarke, I know that you think it’s-”

“Let me ask you something, you moron” she interrupts him and locks his eyes with his. He seems too broken, something isn’t right. This isn’t just about her, she thinks, but she ignores those thoughts because she just wants him over here, next to her ”Are you Marcus Kane, a stupid idiot who’s trying to screw everyone’s lives?” he raises his eyebrow at her ”Are you that same idiot who orders another idiot to come stab me because that’s the only way you’re going to give up on ever exposing him? Are you the one to drive that blade in my stomach? I don’t think so. So stop being dramatic and come here.”

“You don’t understand!” he raises his voice for the first time since he got in and finally makes a wobbly step forward. Her heart clenches at the thought that he’s coming to her ”I knew this would happen!” he is not saying it just like that, he means it ”I knew he would try to hurt you, he told me so.”

“What do you mean he told you so?”

“The day I tried to…I tried to kill myself” his shoulders fall and he hunches forward as if the world on his back that he caries so hard is suddenly pressuring him, making it hard for him to breathe ”He threatened me” her eyes go wide at his revelation ”He told me that if I don’t stop this, if I don’t…that he will hurt you and Octavia and Murphy. He told me to kill the story Wells was writing and to forget about going against him, that I was never going to win.” he blurts it all out and she stays like this for a minute just staring at him. Suddenly it all makes sense to her. Why he tried to drown himself, why he refused to tell her the reason behind it, why he let her go. He was trying to keep her safe.

“Oh my God” she falls back on her pillow but her eyes don’t leave his ”You were willing to die so you could make sure nothing happens to us?”

“I’ve been thinking about doing it for a while” he admits when he looks away ”He just…pushed me to get there faster.” suddenly anger fills her entire body and she clenches her fists

“You have to stop him” she says through teeth ”You have to tell them what he did to you. Bellamy, we have to-”

“It’s already been taken care of” he announces and she notices he takes a few more steps towards her, now almost approaching her bed ”We told Roan everything. Maybe that’s why Kane made Emerson attack you, he must’ve found out we were trying to do something.”

“So, it’s over?” she can’t believe him. 

“Not exactly” he swallows hard as he finally gets right next to her and stops taking his breath. Walking tired him ”They arrested him and he’s locked up but I’ll have to go give statements in the military court in two days.”

“And your insurance? Your ranks?” she asks hopefully 

“I have it all back.” she notices that he doesn’t look her in the eyes when he says it, but his voice sounds genuine so she doesn’t doubt his words ”How are you feeling?”

“Like someone stabbed me and my boyfriend is taking all the blame making me angry about it” she jokes but he doesn’t smile ”Too soon?”

“Your boyfriend, huh?” he finally breaks a smile and she shakes her head stubbornly.

“Just lean down and kiss me, you smug bastard” she stretches out and fists his shirt, pulling him down to her for a kiss. 

She swears that it definitely makes her feel tons better right away and because she’s happy that she finally has him here, she doesn’t notice how he deepens the kiss and takes his time, slowly indulging in it, as if he’s not sure when he’ll be able to do this again, as if he’s too afraid he’ll never get to hold her in his hands. But all she makes out of it, is that he’s missed her as much as she has and through every caress of his hand on her cheek she feels his love. It’s a strange thing that makes her heart swell with joy-every time he gets to be so close to her, touch her, kiss her, place small pecks on her neck, caress her cheek, she knows she’s being truly loved. 

And Bellamy’s love wasn’t just any love-it was kind, deep, gentle-he loved her with his whole being, not just part of him or his heart only-he was all in it and she felt it in this strange yet familiar way, like she was letting him take her and spin her around or help her fly yet she was lying in a hospital bed, trapped just like he was trapped in his body which has betrayed him and yet they were free, free, free. Free in their togetherness. 

“I’m sorry” he finally whispers when they part but their foreheads are still pressed to one another ”I’m truly sorry for everything that happened to you. I won’t let him hurt you anymore” it is not his apology that makes her freak a little bit out, it’s his promise that he’ll stop him and she gently lifts his chin up.

“Promise me, no more stupid things, okay?” she begs of him, afraid he’ll try to hurt himself again, but the smile he gives her reassures her and he leans down to kiss her.

She doesn’t notice that he never promises back anything. She’s too engrossed by her own happiness.

“Why don’t you just get in here?” she teases him as she moves away in the left corner of the bed, making space for him.

“I think your mom would kill me if she found me in bed together with you.” he warns ”I don’t believe she likes me.”

“Bellamy” she says warningly ”Just get in here, okay” she begs of him and he can’t say no to her. He slowly takes away his crutches and in a few minutes he manages to lay down next to her, taking his time with his barely lively legs which he has to move with his hands in order to lift them up on the bed, but once he’s down on the pillow next to her, he smiles as he stretches and removes a strand of hair from her face.

“You know” he begins silently as if he only ever spoke for her ”Out of all the people in my life, I have never seen you look at me with pity or disgust for being the broken person that I am now. And I honestly can’t believe that the girl I love is the same as the one who sees me as…me.” he smiles as she leans forward to kiss his forehead which was at the same level as her lips right now.

“That’s because you’re not broken” she whispers and puts her hand over his, which reminds her of the bandages wrapping his knuckles ”What happened here?” she asks as she brushes her fingers over them ”The truth, please” she begs him ”Did you fight someone?”

“Yes” he looks away and she sees him blush ashamed ”A wall.” his eyes return to hers and she sees he was trying to apologize ”I’m sorry, I just…I was so afraid I was going to lose you.”

“So you busted your hands in the wall?” she scolds mildly

“No, I got angry. At myself” he admits ”For not being able to protect you.”

“Again: so you took it at a wall?” she tries to make a joke even though she’s worried about him ”Bellamy,” she shakes her head as she comes closer to him, burying her head in his chest, letting him stroke her hair and calm her down ”I wait for the day when you’ll realize that you can’t sacrifice yourself for others. You have to live for you too, you know?” she asks him but he doesn’t say anything. She doesn’t lift up her chest, she doesn’t pressure him. She just tells him what she thinks and she lets him embrace her as best as he can without giving her pain.

“I am afraid” he admits after a while and this time she moves away so she could look at him, but he stares somewhere at the wall behind her instead, his eyes are full of tears and she can’t understand the sudden change in his behavior.

“Of what?” she asks carefully when she takes his hand back in hers. He finally meets her eyes and leans down to give her a slow kiss before pulling back and pressing his forehead to hers, she could feel his tears on her cheeks.

“I don’t want you to ever get hurt again” he finally mumbles ”When Murphy and I got here and your mom told us that you’re in surgery and that you’re in a critical condition…I’ve never…I’ve never been more afraid, not even in battle.” he admits

“It’s over now” she reminds him as she squeezes his hand ”It’s over, hey” she pulls his chin up, she hates to see the guilt in his eyes ”Hey, none of that, alright?” she warns him as she leans down and kisses him again.

But this time she doesn’t stop there, she takes his hand and places it on her waist. He looks at her, but doesn’t break the kiss, she leaves his hand to do what he wants and he moves it up and down her back until she grabs it again and guides it under her hospital gown which is where he breaks their kiss.

“A little horny over there, huh, sweetheart?” he smiles devilishly and she blushes ”You just woke up and I am sure Nyko would kill us if we try to…you know.” he suggests

“Are you seriously telling me that you can shoot a rifle, but you can’t say ‘have sex’, Bellamy?”

“Oh, shut up!” he pokes her gently but sees that she was growing tired ”Come here, alright, time to sleep.”

“You mean to cuddle?”

“You’re such a child!” he chuckles and before she falls asleep she thinks how the best sound she’s ever heard is the one of him laughing. 

 

 

After he had made sure that she’s in deep sleep, he carefully sneaked out of bed and slowly made it outside. She needed to rest and no matter how hard she insisted on, he couldn’t keep pressuring her on the small bad. He would never do anything to hurt her again, that much he has decided so far. Once he carefully closed the door, he bumped into someone’s big body and it took him a second to realize it was doctor Nyko. He smiled at him friendly but Bellamy noticed he took a long look at him as if estimating what his condition was.

“Bellamy” he said politely ”You two managed to talk?” he asks as he nodded at the door

“We did” he swallows hard and notices Murphy approaching behind the doctor’s back. He was pissed off. And he had his reasons. ”She’s asleep now.”

“Good, she needs the rest. Especially after that concussion and the surgery.”

“But she’ll be fine, right?” he asks worry filling his voice. His hands slightly shook so he gripped his crutches harder ”She’ll recover?”

“Yes, she will” Bellamy lets a relieved sigh out and smiles gratefully at the doctor ”I haven’t seen you in physical therapy lately” Nyko says just as Bellamy is about to make an excuse and leave ”If you want to get even slightly better, you should come and keep trying, you know?”

“I’m fine, all good” Bellamy lies and tries to leave, but the doctor stands in his way, hiding a grumpy Murphy a few feet behind him. Bellamy takes a deep breath as he realizes he’ll have to deal with his friend too ”Your sister said you were sick recently, why don’t you come upstairs with me and I can take a look at you?”

“I appreciate it, doctor” Bellamy’s voice changes and he gets serious ”But I have a few things to do now and I promise, I’m really alright” Nyko nods, obviously giving up, knowing he won’t win this one no matter how pale or tired Bellamy looks and passes him by so he could get in Clarke’s room and check on her.

“Are you planning to lie to Clarke the same way you just did with the doctor?” Murphy remarks as he approaches him, but Bellamy slowly drags his legs down the hallway, attempting to get away as far from her room as possible. Raven, Monty and Jasper had left after seeing her, finally agreeing to get some rest. Octavia had a shift at the diner so she was long gone and he had no idea where Clarke’s mom was, but he surely wasn’t planning to find out. It was just him and Murphy right now ”Did you tell her?”

“Murphy, I am not going to do that” Bellamy cut him off, but with his voice low, as if he was afraid someone could hear them even though they were almost alone in the hallway with nurses and doctors passing by occasionally but not paying any attention to them

“You are probably going to be imprisoned for the next year and you don’t want her to know that?” Murphy scolds him again. They’ve been fighting over this ever since Roan told them that yes Bellamy could testify against Kane, but Kane will surely bring up the Finn incident and no matter how they looked at it, it was still Bellamy’s mistake. One he had to pay for ”How about I tell her that you’re about to sacrifice your ass for all of us again?”

“You will do no such thing!” Bellamy’s hand left his crutch only so he could grab his friend’s shoulder and squeeze it, begging him ”She’s too sick, too weak, I will not do this to her now, it will ruin her. We already talked this over, you’ll come back without me and explain everything to her and to my sister.”

“What do you want me to say? Bellamy is going to jail because he is being an idiot!”

“No, I am going to jail because if it means taking Kane down for good, I am willing to spare a year of my life for it.”

“Bellamy! I do not-”

“You don’t understand, Murphy!” Bellamy cuts him off harshly ”What happened to her-that’s on me! And don’t you dare tell me it wasn’t my fault, you damn well know it is. If she hadn’t been so close to me, if she wasn’t helping me out, Kane would’ve never knew she existed. She could as well be finishing her shift right now but instead she’s in a hospital bed with two stab wounds after spending four days in a fucking coma!” he blurted out loudly, he was angry again, at himself, at letting this happen ”If the situations were reversed and this was Emori in there, you would’ve done the same thing, if not gone farther than me and you very well realize this.” Murphy sighs as he looks at him with his blind eyes and drives a hand through his messy hair while leaning on the window frame, next to Bellamy who was searching for a place to rest.

“She will hate you for this.” he says after a minute in which they’re both breathing heavily, trying to calm themselves down.

“But she’ll be safe. It’s better for her that she doesn’t have me in her life.” he swallows hard at the thought ”Maybe in this year she’ll fall in love with someone else. Maybe she’ll forget me or refuse to forgive me, but she’ll be safe.”

“Will you be?” Murphy asks as he raises his eyebrow. He doesn’t like this plan, but Bellamy was relentless. He was willing to admit everything he ever did wrong. When Roan talked to them and explained the proceedings they could take against Kane, he also made it clear it will be a two-way street. Kane would never give up without a fight. He would try to bring Bellamy down with him if he has to.

“No matter what you say” he turns to Murphy ”I did what they are accusing me of. I let Finn use a weapon, all the people that died…”

“You forget that I’ve killed as well” Murphy reminds him ”I still think that this is wrong. He threatened you, pushed you into trying to kill yourself, hurt your girlfriend and you are going to jail with him!”

“Murphy,” Bellamy squeezed his shoulder again, feeling nothing but warmth in his heart for him ”Thank you for being such a good friend to me. I wouldn’t have made it without you.”

“Yeah, whatever” Murphy pretends to be annoyed at his sentimentality, but his eyes are full of emotion and Bellamy smiles ”You are making me break their hearts” he adds one last time as they start walking again.

“Better with a broken heart than dead” Bellamy stated and he firmly believed so.

 

 

Clarke was watching yet another rerun of _How I met your mother_ as she stuffed herself with the burgers Monty and Raven had brought just a few hours ago when the door opened and she saw Bellamy slowly making his way in.

“You came?” she raised herself a bit on the pillows. This was the last night they had before he had to leave tomorrow and even though it wasn’t like he ever left the hospital, but between Nyko insisting on her getting enough rest and her mom always in her room worrying constantly, they didn’t have enough time for themselves ”But visiting hours are over” she states as she looks at the clock above the door.

“Indra sneaked me in, but I had to promise her I’ll come for physical therapy next week” he says as he makes his way to her bed. She notices he was carrying a bag on his shoulders and after he places a kiss on her cheek and settles down on the chair next to her he takes it off ”And I had to wait for your mom to go back home“

“She said you talked this morning” Clarke raised herself on her elbows as she watched him open up the bag and rummaging in it for something.

“That’s what she called it, huh?” he doesn’t look up but she notices the tension in his voice

“What did she say?”

“That she doesn’t want me anywhere near you basically” he says casually but she watches him worriedly ”Dammit, where did I put this shit” he curses silently as he keeps looking for something

“She’ll get used to you, she just doesn’t know you” she wants him to understand that this is not about him as it is about her ”She just wants to protect me.”

“Like every mother does” he finally meets her eyes and smiles ”Don’t worry, I know how much she loves you. If I was in her shoes, I wouldn’t want my daughter to date someone like me either” she hates that he still thinks like he’s somehow too screwed up for her. It wasn’t true. It will never be true ”Aha, found it!” he takes out something that resembles a small tablecloth with white and blue stripes and it takes him a second to get up and throw it over her legs ”Sorry but you’ll have to play the table tonight, sweetheart.”

“Bellamy, what is this?” she asks confused as she watches him take out food out of the bag and in the end a bottle of what seemed to be wine ”What are you doing?” she chuckles when he places stuff in the free places between her body and the bed

“This is dinner” he announces as if it’s the most logical thing in the world, saying like he doesn’t believe she can’t figure this out ”I’m leaving tomorrow, I want to spent some time with you before I go” he explains once he has everything out and gently moves her legs a bit so he can sit opposite of her ”It’s not the best restaurant in town, but it’ll have to do since you’re currently more fucked up than I am and we’ll both need like a day if we try to leave this hospital on foot so” her eyes fill with tears and he suddenly thinks he’s done something wrong so he stops unpacking the food and looks at her ”Clarke?” but she grabs his hand and pulls him closer to her so their lips could collide for the first time today. God, she’s missed him.

“Everything alright?” he asks still worried after they finally part and she smiles

“Everything’s great” she reassures him ”Thank you.” he returns her smile and cups her cheek for a brief moment ”Is this real wine?”

“No it’s just some cranberry juice poured into an old bottle of wine” he explains as he hands her a plastic cup and fills it with the liquid ”You know that you can’t drink yet” he reminds her as if she’s not a doctor and doesn’t know to take care of herself and he has to be there to tell her even though he has never thought about himself or his own health not even once ever since she met him.

They eat and joke around, sharing lazy kisses every now and then when she gets some cheese on her mouth or almost spills the plastic glass on the sheets. But once they’re done and they remove all the unnecessary things lying inbetween them, she grabs his shirt and pulls him down to her so they could continue what they started.

“What the hell are they giving you that is making you so horny?” he jokes when they stop for a moment to catch their breath.

“Are you seriously complaining about that right now?” she smiles when she moves up to kiss him again, but feels the pull of her stitches and winces ”Ouch.”

“Hey, hey” he moves away as if afraid he’s hurt her ”I’m so sorry” he apologizes and starts pulling away ”Are you alright? What hurts? Do you want me to get the doctor?”

“Bellamy” she looks at him raising her eyebrows ”Seriously, you have to stop worrying so much. I have a few stitches, I’m fine.”

“You almost died” he reminds her as he lays down beside her and she cuddles into his chest ”Don’t joke about that, please.”

“Mine will heal” she reminds him as she places her hand over his heart ”Yours will never go away and you don’t care about it not nearly as much as you should.” he doesn’t argue with her, he just strokes her hair and kisses her forehead, because that’s his way of calming her down and telling her he doesn’t want to argue right now.

“I wish you didn’t have to go tomorrow” she mumbles after a while as she feels herself growing tired ”I know it’s just for two days but still” she feels him tense next to her but he doesn’t respond, not right away. 

He lays down and stares at the ceiling, thinking how this is probably going to be their last good moment, thinking how he has no idea where they’ll be in a year, especially not after what he is about to do and he wants to remember it, remember her as she is right now and never let that go.

“It will be alright” he promises with a steady voice after a minute or two while he keeps stroking her, he knows she’ll soon be fast asleep ”It’s not such a long time” he wonders if he should tell her but ponders on it for just a few seconds before he talks himself out of it. 

He can’t do this to her, not now. She’ll try to stop it, to come up with some solution, to hire some fancy lawyer who won’t be able to change anything or she’ll call his sister and they’ll refuse to let him go. He wasn’t being fair, he knew it, he realized it and yet he preferred that she resented him for the rest of her life if it meant she’ll never get to be in a hospital bed because of him.

While drowning like this in his thoughts, he misses the moment she has closed her eyes and fell asleep. He smiles and looks at her for a while, thinking how beautiful she is. Once he finally slips out of bed, he leans one last time and kisses her forehead.

“I love you, Clarke” he whispers ”I hope one day you’ll understand.”

She doesn’t stir at all, she keeps sleeping soundly, the medications letting her body rest after being so violently crushed. He hates to see how weak she is but at least some of the color returned to her cheeks and as he supports himself on his crutches after tossing the bag on his shoulders, he thinks she will be alright. She had to be. 

And he had one last thing to do, one last mission to go to.

 

**2 months later**

“Blake, get up, you have a visitor” the guard shake his cell a bit and he opens up his eyes to see him staring angry and impatiently ”Come on, I don’t have all day here.” it was visitation day, something he’s been denied the first month of his stay here, but he doubted Octavia would come. She was pissed off at him when she finally came, she gave him a big speech and said she’ll need her time so she asked him not to call. Moreover, he didn’t want her to come here, see him like this, he preferred for her anger to settle down, knowing that she needs time to accept what he has done, so he thought this would be Murphy, who came here every other week and he smiled at the thought of seeing his friend.

“Who is it?” he asked nonetheless, he need to be sure.

“Your sister” the guard barked back as he opened up the cell and grabbed his hand, yanking him up. They took away his crutches when they got him here, they took away everything, including medications and even though Murphy promised he’ll talk to Roan about it and try to fix it, nothing has changed. He has only gotten himself into more trouble, but he would never admit that to anyone.

When the guards drag him down the hallway, yes, literally drag him, he’s barely lifting his feet, and get him through the door of the visitation room, the last person he thinks he would see behind the glass separating the prisoners from the visitors is _her._

He suddenly stops, but the guards won’t have it, they pull him forward and his body ends up hanging between them, half limp in their hands until the push the chair and place him in it.

“Ten minutes, Blake” they warn before they leave them and he stares at her like he can’t believe it.

She was ready to start yelling at him from the moment she sees him, because he can’t leave like that, he can’t go out sacrifice himself and get himself to jail and then send his best friend home to announce the news and hand a letter for her, explaining why he did it. She’s pissed, no, she’s so angry and she’s been so angry for the past two months that she can’t recognize herself anymore. But when she sees him being dragged like this and realizes how skinnier he looks and then catches herself looking at him from head to toes only to spot a few bruises on his face and she feels like this is not her Bellamy at all. Whatever speech she has prepared to give him, she suddenly forgets and instead she buries her head in her hands while he watches her from the other side of the glass with tired sad eyes.

“Well, you are definitely not my sister” he finally breaks the silence and when she looks up, she sees him smiling. She can’t believe that in this moment, he is actually the one who’s trying to give her strength.

“They wouldn’t let someone who’s not your relative” she announces and she’s not sure he’ll hear her because her voice is barely audible ”So I had to lie” he nods in understanding.

“Are everyone at home alright?” he asks next because he knows there’s not much time for them to talk ”Murphy? My sister?” she faces his dark brown eyes and sees expectation in them, they look for a promise that his most beloved are fine, that’s why he was in here after all-to reassure this, so she can’t go on and tell him how Lincoln called her last night because he couldn’t calm a crying Octavia down or that she hasn’t caught a good night’s sleep since he left.

“They’re fine” she promises ”Murphy’s been passing by my place a lot more often than before. I assume that’s your doing.” he looks away ashamed for being caught.

“Why did you come here, Clarke?” he asks finally, knowing the answer far too well.

“I came here, because I wanted to yell at you.”

“Then do so” she really didn’t plan to, but that line pisses her off and when she looks at him again, there’s a dangerous light in her blue eyes.

“You can’t say this!” she raises her voice for the first time, not caring who’s listening and he looks at her confused.

“Can’t say what?” he utters clearly confused, she can’t look at his slim broken figure, she feels like he’s barely alive over there and she can’t even touch him.

“You can’t do any of it, Bellamy!” she slams her fist angrily and hates herself for it because he jumps on the other side ”You can’t go sacrifice yourself for us, you can’t kiss me one night and then leave the next morning only so that two days later your best friend can come home and tell us that you are in fucking prison! And you can’t let me yell at you, dammit!”

“Look, Clarke, I-” there’s a certain sadness in his voice that startles her ”All I ever wanted was for you to be fine. So I did what I had to to make sure it’s what happens. I am fine with you and my sister hating me, she hated me when I left for my first tour as well.”

“This isn’t war anymore, Bellamy” she reminds him but he shakes his head.

“It actually is” something in his words scares her. She feels like there’s more to this story, that the bruises on his face are speaking louder than his words and the only thing that’s going on her mind right now is that she has to get him out of there ”You should go home, Clarke” he advises her, but she shakes her head.

“Why? Why didn’t you say something? Why did you just leave like that?” she asks desperately

“You know why I did it. I left” he swallows hard ”because I couldn’t have lived with myself knowing that there’s someone out there who could hurt you or Murphy or Octavia and I hadn’t done anything about it. Now it’s over” he emphasizes on his words ”and you should go home and get on with your life.” she shakes her head stubbornly.

“I’ll send a lawyer” she says when she sees the guards back in, heading to get him ”I’ll get you out of here earlier, I promise.”

“No” he shakes his head disagreeing with her ”Leave it as it is.” he’s warning her for a reason, there’s something dark and dangerous in his voice, but there’s also fear. He was afraid of something. Was someone threatening him inside? The guards lift him up but his legs can barely support his weight ”Take care of my sister, please.” he begs as they start tugging him away. She bolts from her chair and starts walking together with them only on the other side. She watches them carry him like a bag of potatoes, dragging him, cuffing him, like he wasn’t even human anymore.

“Bell!” she calls him one last time ”I-” her throat tightens ”I-”

“Me too, Clarke” he whispers as they open the door and tug him away, but his eyes never leave hers, not until he can see her.

And once he can’t anymore, he still refuses to turn around.


	15. The understanding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thank you so much for reading guys and for leaving me such great comments! I am sorry for the big delay but exams were exhausting and took all of my time. I ended up writing a chapter instead of jumping straight to the epilogue so I hope you like it. I will write a short epilogue too! 
> 
> Everything in Italic is a flashback this time, not a dream!

_“Hey, Miller!” he hears Murphy call him while he’s too busy cleaning up his rifle. The evening has finally settled in and he was trying to relax after a particularly hot day. Obviously so was Murphy, if he has taken off his shirt, even though that was technically forbidden, not that anyone was going to see him now._

_“What is it, Murphy? I have no time for your bullshit games anymore. I don’t want to drink” Miller cut him off and hoped for his friend to leave._

_He loved Murphy, but there were other things on his mind. The team was on edge, everyone was growing nervous. They haven’t been sent out on a mission since Bellamy came back from his solo one but they knew the fight continued since everyday someone was sent away. Never them, though. Which at first he thought was just a coincidence until he realized maybe Bellamy had something to do with it. Maybe he did something to keep them off that list of teams they were pulling in and out there all the time and he didn’t like it one bit, because if he had done something it meant he was probably getting himself into trouble._

_“It’s Bellamy” Murphy’s voice shakes him off because he’s not his usual sarcastic self, but sounds rather concerned and you can’t ignore concerned Murphy. Miller lifts up his head to face his skinny friend’s tired face ”He’s trashing in his sleep again.”_

_“Oh, goddammit!” Miller puts down his rifle as he stands up and heads in the direction of the where Bellamy was laying down, using his jacket as a pillow and was currently tossing and turning on the ground. He wasn’t screaming, he never screamed, barely even muttered a word, but he was huffing and his body was violently shaking as he tossed left and right._

_“Couldn’t wake him up, guys, I’m sorry” Sterling muttered when they approached their team captain. It was him on post, he must’ve gotten Murphy from wherever he was wasting his time and brought him because he had no idea what to do with Bellamy considering the last time he tried to wake him up, Bellamy almost punched him in the face._

_“It’s okay, go back to you post, we’ve got this” Miller ordered and they waited till the kid was out of sight before Murphy nodded at his friend and they both kneeled down, grabbing Bellamy’s arms and squeezing his shoulders tightly._

_“Bellamy, wake up!” Miller called him out, trying not to raise his voice, they didn’t need anyone hearing them right now ”Bellamy! Come on, man!” Murphy wasn’t saying shit, he knew well enough that if anyone could pull Bellamy out of this, it was Miller, he wasn’t that good with words._

_This time, calling him didn’t work, though and Miller was growing frustrated._

_“Give me your canteen, Murphy” he stretched out his hand, without even looking at him. Murphy didn’t need to be called twice and handed it over ”Hold him tight!” he ordered and Murphy put both his hands on Bellamy’s shoulders as he tried to keep him down while Miller unscrewed the canteen and gave his friend one last look, warning him that Bellamy might get scared from being brought back to reality like that._

_Murphy nodded, he could take a few of Bellamy’s punches, it wasn’t what scared him. He saw in Miller’s eyes exactly what he feared-worry. Their friend has been like this ever since he came back from that mission and although he remained the same nagging commanding asshole during the day, they knew that he barely slept at night. He wasn’t eating either and Murphy caught Miller trying to convince him to take a few bites in the most casual manner, but Bellamy was pushing them off, the dark circles under his eyes, were just another evidence he was getting worse. He took all the night patrols and early in the morning they would find him smoking on the hood of the rover, staring at the sun rising, his skinny, shadowy figure making it impossible for them to recognize him._

_Murphy watched as Miller poured the water over Bellamy’s face and the second he did, Bellamy’s body jolted up and with a loud gasp he opened his eyes._

_“Hey, hey, it’s okay” Miller grabbed his hand and squeezed it tightly ”Just a bad dream” Bellamy stared at them with his wide frightened eyes trying to make sense of it for a minute, but as soon as he realized what was happening and that this-them waking him up and looking at him as if he was going crazy-was real, he pushed himself off and stood up._

_“Bellamy” Murphy tried to make him listen, but he just grabbed his jacket and tossed it over his wet shirt_

_“I’m fine, go back to sleep” he ordered, his voice strong and commanding, but hoarse. He struggled with his jacket pocket, trying to find his pack of cigarettes. That has been a bad one. A really bad one._

_“We would if you weren’t waking us” Murphy wasn’t trying to be rude, he just refused to let it go. He wanted them to talk about it so he looked at Miller, who nodded-he wasn’t getting Bellamy off the hook that easy either. Not tonight. Not after an entire week of this shit happening._

_“I’m sorry I’m disturbing your beauty sleep, corporal” Bellamy didn’t look at him as he jumped on the hood of the rover and finally dug his pack out. They stayed behind him for a minute, both bracing themselves for an inevitable but necessary fight. Bellamy could be stubborn like this, refusing anyone’s help about anything, especially himself._

_“Bellamy, we have to talk” Miller stepped up in front of him but his friend didn’t even look down._

_“I said I’m fine, Miller” he took a drag from his cigarette and when Murphy approached him, he finally got to get a better look of his pale face only to see how much he looked like he was barely awake but unable to get rest either. There was still sweat coming down his forehead and his breathing was shallow ”Cut it off and go back to your duties.”_

_“I’m with Miller on this” Murphy finally jumped in ”You need help. We can sign you for a meeting with the doc next week.”_

_“I am not going crazy!” he raised his voice and finally looked at them_

_“Hey, man, nobody’s saying that!” Miller raised his hands in defense ”We are just worried about you.”_

_“No need. I’m handling it. I just need some time” he wasn’t mad anymore, just trying to make them back off ”I am still doing my job as I am supposed to.”_

_“If you mean you’re continuing to be the biggest pain in my ass you’re absolutely right” Murphy leaned on the rover ”I mean…I don’t even know what we’re worried about, right Miller?” he continued in the same sarcastic manner ”It’s not like you aren’t sleeping or eating or smoking your ass out more than usually or I don’t know…lying to your sister on the phone every time she calls, but hey, it’s all perfectly fine.”_

_“Murphy” Miller warned him, but he knew that Murphy pushing him was also a necessary evil._

_“Or what about all the missions we’re not being send to, huh?” he continued ”What did you do to make that happen? To keep us save?”_

_“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Bellamy said and he sounded sincere. For the first time Miller realized, they might not be right about this ”You know it is beyond me to know or order who is being send where and if you think otherwise, you’re a damn fool.”_

_“Okay, okay, there’s no point in this” Miller raised his hands attempting to prevent another fight ”Bellamy, if you keep getting worse, I am going to report you” Bellamy’s mouth hangs open ”That is unless, you take care of yourself and get a doctor’s appointment. And Murphy-”he turned to his other friend ”go for a walk, pick a fight, play poker, I don’t care, just take care of it or you’re gonna burst.” Murphy huffed annoyed but picked his gun as he strode away mumbling something under his nose, probably cursing them._

_Miller gave Bellamy one last look but his friend still refused to face him, so he just patted him on the shoulder and headed back to cleaning his rifle._

_In the morning, when everyone were still sound asleep, he felt someone shaking him and woke up to Bellamy, dressed up and in full gear, a heavy bag on his shoulders._

_“Hey, what’s going on, are we being send away?” he pushes away the jacket he has used as a blanket and sits up. On the daylight Bellamy’s face looked even paler, making his dark circles ever more visible._

_“Just me” Bellamy shook his head as he reached out and helped him stand up ”I got called up by the captain this morning for a briefing with the other sergeants.”_

_“Again? Only you? What is this shit?”_

_“They need people to fix the mess over there” he explains ”We should be back in about two days.” Bellamy being that vague only raised his suspicions more. He seemed nervous and Bellamy Blake was rarely nervous, which meant whenever they are sending him it was going to be dangerous ”I’m leaving you in charge. You have enough provisions for the next few days but if anything happens and they send you away, I’ve talked to Kevin to save you a few extra packs.”_

_“Bellamy” he shook his head. He was being send away and he was still making sure they are fine in his absence ”We’ll be alright.”_

_“I know” his voice is steady but when he reached out and put his hand on Miller’s elbow, pulling him closer, Nathan could feel the trembling of his hand ”If anything happens and I don’t make it back-”_

_“Don’t!” Miller warned but Bellamy just tightened his grip, begging him in a silent way to just listen to him._

_“If anything happens” he emphasizes on the last word ”And I don’t make it back, you know where the letter for my sister is.” Miller nods, they’ve talked about this before, all three of them back in boot camp for the first time, but Bellamy hasn’t brought the subject in months, not even during their last mission, which meant that now, he had no hope and that scared Miller ”The rest of my stuff go for you guys.”_

_Miller knew he had to say something, tell him to stop talking like this, get angry that he seemed so damn tired and sad, but he couldn’t. He just nodded and watched him leave. He followed all the way to the truck they were loading on to and waited till he made his way in. Bellamy raised his hand one last time and he felt this was it-he was probably never seeing him alive again._

_But he turned out to be wrong. Two days later, the gates of the camp opened up and soldiers, trucks and medics carrying stretchers found their way in. This time, he wasn’t in the back like after the first mission, but they barely recognized him and were on the verge of passing him by when they heard his weak voice._

_The minute they saw him, they knew something’s too messed up-his face was bloody and battered and he was barely walking. Murphy took the heavy bag off his shoulders while Miller assessed him for injuries._

_“Bellamy you’re shot, why are you not on a stretcher? Did you try to find a medic?” Miller asked when he pushed away his shirt and exposed a bullet wound in his shoulder. Checking his back he realized there’s no exit wound-the bullet was still inside him ”Bellamy!” he caught his face in his hands, he seemed to be in shock, he wasn’t realizing what was going on._

_“I didn’t even know I was shot” he muttered when his eyes finally met Miller’s_

_“It’s okay, we’ll take care of you” he promises and nods at Murphy ”Let’s get him to the infirmary.”_

_They start dragging him down there, literally dragging him, he is barely lifting his feet and he has no idea what’s happening to him. He doesn’t say anything, just occasionally calls their names._

_“It’s fine, Blake, just hold on a little bit” Murphy promises as he tightens his grip around his weak body ”Why is this place so goddamn full!” he curses when they finally make it there. The infirmary is literally stuffed, there is not a single free bed or…doctor for that matter, everyone is running up and down carrying bloody bandages or trying to calm down screaming soldiers._

_“Hey! Hey, ma’am” Miller touches the shoulder of a passing nurse ”Please, our friend is injured” she stops for a second looks at Bellamy’s slumped body in their hands and turns back to Miller_

_“I’m sorry guys, you’ll have to wait. We don’t have anywhere to put him right now.”_

_“He has a bullet wound!” Murphy reaches out to tug Bellamy’s shirt away and expose the hole in his shoulder ”He’s bleeding out.”_

_“He’s standing on his feet. As long as he can hold on for about ten more minutes, I’ll get you guys settled in, I promise.”she excuses herself and moves forward._

_“Are you fucking kidding me?” Murphy yells but his voice gets lost in the crowd, it’s a goddamn slaughterhouse around them, so many people passing by, yelling, screaming, begging. Other soldiers like them, trying to make their way in, though once they do, they’re stuck just like Bellamy and they were, because there wasn’t even a place to sit. Every now and then a doctor would pass by and call someone to get them to a bed but those who weren’t brought in a stretcher were standing hoping to get any help at all._

_“Hey, Bell, do you remember when it started hurting?” Miller turned to his friend as he pressed his hand to the wound ”Do you know when they shot you?”_

_Bellamy’s drunk with pain eyes moved slowly from Murphy to Miller, to the whole goddamn place but he was trying to remember._

_“My head” he mumbles incoherently next and Murphy sighs._

_“There’s no point, he’s in shock, he can’t make sense of it.”_

_“He’ll be alright” Miller responds stubbornly as Bellamy’s body slumps a little more and they have to both pull all their strength to keep him up ”Come on, Bell, hey, look at me, look at me” he picks up his chin and makes him look up ”Hey, it’s fine, we’ll get you fixed up in no time, just hold on. Can you hold on for me?”_

_“My head” he just gasps again ”hurts.” and for the first time Miller actually pays attention to the blood on the right side of his face and realizes that it is coming down from his head._

_“Oh, shit” he curses as he takes off his helmet and finds a big red wound on the right side of his head, just above his ear ”Murphy, we need a doctor” he turns to his friend ”I don’t care what you do to get them, but do it now!” Murphy who went pale when he saw his friend’s head, didn’t waste a second before leaving their side and heading off in the direction of the beds, struggling to move towards, but never giving up._

_“My sister” Bellamy says when he turns back to Miller, his eyes almost closing_

_“Shh, no talking, just hold on.”_

_“My sister” he insists again ”You make sure that she understands why I did it.”_

_“Why you did what?” Miller furrows his eyebrows as he looks at his brown tired eyes._

_“Why I enlisted…why I kept coming here” Miller tightens his grip as he struggles to keep him up ”why I volunteered for all the missions.” the last part makes Miller turn his head abruptly. ”You help her…understand” he begs one last time before he closes his eyes and his body goes limp in his friend’s hands. Just when he’s about to start calling his name, Murphy rushes back in with a doctor by his side who seemed scared to death. Miller doesn’t want to know what Murphy had to do to get him here, but he’s glad he did it._

_They help move him to a bed which sheets are dirty and bloody and then they kick them off, saying there’s nothing they could do anymore but wait._

 

 

“Blake” he heard a familiar voice calling him and rolled on his back only to see one of the guards, Riley, smiling at him, holding a bunch of keys. He knew that he was on duty because he heard him bring his breakfast this morning, but he was too weak to get up and eat. He wasn’t hungry either ”Come on, you have a visitor.” Riley explained and he raised himself on his elbows which made his head spin a little. It’s been two weeks since he last talked to Clarke and he’s been denied visitations because he got into a fight with one of the prisoners during their mandatory afternoon walk outside.

“Who is it?” he asked as he managed to sit up. He’s been feeling like crap for a while now, drowning in memories and nightmares, locked up in here day in and day out, he was going crazy.

“Your lawyer” Riley responded as he unlocked the door and stepped in.

“I don’t have a lawyer” he furrowed his eyebrows confused at the news he was receiving.

“You do now. Come on, do you need help getting up?” Riley was the only guard who treated him like a human being. He’s been on duty every other night, marching up and down Bellamy’s hallway and he often stopped and asked him how he was, talking to him when no one else would. In a way, he was the only friendly face Bellamy saw here. The other guards couldn’t care less if he was hurt or in pain, he was denied any medical attention, moreover he wasn’t the only fucked up soldier to be locked up-in other words, nobody gave a damn.

“I’m good” Bellamy struggled to get on his feet but once he managed to do it, he stretched his hands to Riley who cuffed him while giving him the most apologetic look on his face.

“Ready?” Riley asked as he came by his right side which was Bellamy’s weaker and supported him as they made their way outside. They headed down the hallway slowly because he was limping heavily and even with Riley’s support walking proved to be difficult. That meant they had to listen to all the other inmates yelling something at him, mostly insults or questions shot at Riley about lunch or visitation so when they finally made it through the door at the end of the hallway, Bellamy was relieved.

He noticed Riley’s taking him to another room, different from the one he usually went for visitations.

“I need a minute” he asked politely and they stopped so he could take his breath and gather his strength ”Where are you taking me?” he got scared for a minute. What if this was all some plan to get him beaten up by Kane? What if Riley was dragging him to some deserted place where they could stab him and leave him to bleed out? He hasn’t been allowed visitations for two weeks and now all of a sudden someone was already here to see him. It made no sense. That, or he was getting paranoid.

“Don’t worry. Everything’s fine” Riley reassured but that only scared him more.

“How much time do I have with that…lawyer?”

“About half an hour, he’s here to council you” the guard explained patiently.

“But I didn’t request for anyone, I don’t understand” he continued blabbing worriedly, something wasn’t adding up, he hasn’t asked for help, moreover the last time he talked on the phone with Murphy, he hadn’t said anything about a lawyer. He would’ve. Bellamy was sure he would’ve ”Riley, please, get me back to my cell.” but Riley just smiled and shook his head at his stupidity as he left his side in order to open the door.

The light coming from the room blinded him for a second and he had no time to make sense of things because Riley put his hand back on his elbow and urged him to get in. Once he closed the door and Bellamy looked around he realized they are again in a visitation room but this one wasn’t like the other he was used to-there was no separation glass here-it was just a big space filled with tables and benches where inmates sat down and talked with their families or lawyers-the room was buzzing and seemed full. 

It took him a moment to recognize them while Riley struggled to get his cuffs off but once he did his mouth hung open-there they all were-Clarke, Octavia, Murphy and a woman he had never seen before waiting for him on one of the tables.

“Come on now” Riley gently pushed him forward and he struggled to make the first step. Clarke was the first to notice him but Octavia was close by-they jumped from their seats impatiently as Riley accompanied him to his seat.

“Clarke?” he asked, his voice unstable and hoarse ”Octavia?” his sister rushed in to hug him but Riley raised his hand and stopped her.

“I’m sorry, no hugging” he said with the most apologetic voice ”Settle down, Blake” he helped him sit ”Give me a sign when you’re done here” he asked looking at his family and then hurried to leave them alone.

“Brother! Bellamy!” they all started talking at the same time and he couldn’t help the tears in his eyes from falling, he was just so goddamn happy to see them.

“What am I? Chopped meat?” Murphy huffed over the girls who were going crazy. His sister looked the same, though a little too tired but she still found the strength to smile at him while Clarke reached out and caught his hand in hers, squeezing it tightly. Murphy let them go nuts before he settled down on the right side of the woman Bellamy didn’t know while Clarke and Octavia sat on her left.

“Are you okay? Do you hurt? Have you’ve been eating? You look skinny? Clarke does he look skinny to you?” Octavia started right away.

“Oh my god, let the man breathe.” Murphy cut her off.

“Bell, how are you?” Clarke’s voice was the most worried and the strongest of all at the same time.

“I’m fine you guys” he tried to calm them all down, but it was hard for them to believe it. The moment they saw him step in, their breaths got stuck int heir throats-he looked like the shadow of a person he used to be ”What are you all doing here? And who’s that?” he nodded at the woman who had the most serious expression on her face.

“I’m Anya” she stretched her hand and shook it too hard ”Your new lawyer. I am a friend of Clarke and Well’s.” she explained.

“She’s gonna get you out, Bellamy” Octavia interrupted happily and Clarke hurried to nod, convincing him of his sister’s words.

“I’ll believe it when I see it” Murphy mumbled, ruining everyone’s mood as usually but that only made Bellamy’s smile wider. The last thing he wanted to do is talk about his case, but he had no heart to say no to his sister’s and Clarke’s pleading glances so he listened to what the lawyer had to say which was basically that they could get him out because of his deteriorating medical condition. They’ve threatened to sue because he wasn’t getting any medications now and that worked because it got them a hearing date in two weeks. He had to hold on for two more weeks and he could have a shot at getting out. When they were done with all that and the lawyer left them, Murphy, Clarke and Octavia basically suffocated him with questions. His heart was on the verge of bursting-he hasn’t felt that alive in months, he had them here, they’ve come all the way down to see him and to give him hope. 

“I swear that I’m fine” he kept repeating.

“You look like shit, you can’t even lie in a convincing way, Blake” Murphy, of course his Murphy, would be a sarcastic worried idiot.

“You’ll get meds on Monday, okay? We’ve made sure of it.” Octavia promised as she squeezed his hand ”You just have to hold on a little longer and you’ll be out.”

“How did you guys even come up with all this?”

“It was all your blondie over there” Murphy nodded to Clarke who was strangely quiet at the moment, but whose eyes wouldn’t leave his face ”She got her shit together and started calling the prison chief every goddamn day demanding to know how you are and why you are denied care or visitations. She drove the guy nuts.” he smiled and reached out for her hand ”Then Anya practically wiped the floor with him.”

“Thank you” he said and Clarke nodded, biting her lip as she tried to keep her tears from falling.

“We’ll give you guys a few minutes” Octavia saw that they needed to talk so she elbowed Murphy.

“We will?” he asked pretending to be pissed off and maybe he really was, he has missed his friend.

“Yes, we will, Murphy” Octavia muttered through teeth as she made him get up and head to the door ”I’ll see you soon, brother.”

“See you, O” he responded, his voice thick with affection ”Be careful alright?” she nodded as she headed outside, leaving the two of them alone.

They stare at each other for a long while, both doing what they do best-making sure the other is alright, trying to determine how fucked up they are. And then Clarke reaches out and grabs his hands.

“How much pain are you in? For real.” she asks him seriously and he just smiles, because that’s exactly the thing Clarke would ask.

“I’m fine.” and that’s exactly the response she was expecting.

“Bellamy, please.”

“I’m better now that I saw you guys” he admits, just because she won’t keep pushing him. ”Tell me about you. What’s going on? What are you up to?”

“I came to talk about you, not me” she argues, of course she does. They were too predictable sometimes even for him.

“There’s nothing for me to tell, I lay around all day in a cot and think about all the stuff I fucked up in my life” his voice is cold, detached, but this is not aimed at her, he’s being harsh on himself, as usually and she sees right through him so she squeezes his hands and he looks up at her, as if ashamed of what he had said even if he believed it ”Please, distract me.” he begs of her and she nods with the same sadness in her eyes. He feels like he’s been not only ruining himself those past five months-he’s been destroying her all along too.

“I’m good, everything’s the same-my day is basically a long shift at the hospital, then home, shower and here and there I get to see our favorite delinquents and your sister.” he smiles at the nickname they’ve come up with for their friends ”Oh and well..Murphy. He’s persistently passing by at least once a week.”

“Good. Does he seem fine to you?”

“Emori is taking care of him” she promises ”So you don’t have to worry about that, he’s holding up just fine.”

“And how are you holding up?” it’s his turn to ask the fucked up stuff ”How much am I ruining you right now?” 

“Don’t” she begs of him as she shakes her head ”Let’s not go there.” he smiles as he looks down at their intertwined hands.

“You don’t have to wait for me you know?”

“Bellamy!” she cuts him off harshly, trying to tell him that she won’t listen to this.

“I just don’t want you to-”

“Stop it!” she warns him, her voice steady but her hands shaking in his a little ”Stop being so goddamn selfless. Stop sacrificing yourself for others. If I am here, it’s because I want to be, you idiot and if you have a problem with that you can just tell me and get it over with, but don’t do that. Don’t tell me how I should go live my life while you’re stuck here.” _because of me_ , she wanted to add, but didn’t, knowing that it will just piss him off more. It’s not like he didn’t read it in her eyes, though, it’s not like he didn’t know her that well.

“I’m sorry” he apologized instead and she didn’t expect him to give up so easily without a fight. Usually, he would try to convince her that he’s fine and they should just leave him behind, but for some reason, maybe because he was too tired or seemed to be in so much pain, he didn’t.

“It’s okay.” she reassures him with a light smile but he doesn’t look up.

“I hope you understand” his voice cracks a little when he speaks up and he gives him a confused look. He pushes his hands away from her and instead runs them through his messy hair ”I hope you understand why I’m doing this.” when he finally meets her eyes, she sees they’re full of tears.

“I understand it, Bell” she promises and reaches out for him again ”I do.” he seemed too broken for his own good and she wished she could just hug him, tell him everything will be fine, even though she doubted he believed those words anymore ”So, what are you gonna do when you get out of here, huh? Where do you want to go?” she tries to cheer him up and he plays along. He plays along because he can’t stand to see her sad.

“I want to go to the park with you, Ares and Sunshine” he utters after a long pause and sees her puzzled look ”That’s the place where I think I started falling for you. The place where…all my nightmares happen with you” he admits as he swallows hard ”because that’s when I understood that even if I never get to love you, it will still hurt as hell if I lost you somehow.” she pulled his hands closer at his words ”So…I would like to go there.” he steadies his voice ”Not necessarily to be happy…but to be at peace.”

“Then I can’t wait to go there with you.”

“I want to kiss you so bad” she smiles because he can go from a ruined mess to a cheeky ass boyfriend in matter of seconds and she loves him for it. ”Riley,” he turns around to the guard who has brought him in. The room is almost empty with the exception of an old lady talking to her son in the opposite corner ”I’m going to kiss my girlfriend. If that’s okay with you” Riley laughs and shakes his head.

“Then I’m going to pretend I’m staring at the windows” he turns his head in the opposite direction and Bellamy turns around, leaning over the table and pressing his lips to hers. He’s been waiting five months for that and even though she seemed at first a little bit surprised by his actions, she opened up right away and he felt her small hand slide to the back of his neck. They moved slowly, melting into each other, even with the table between them separating them.

“You’re crazy” she whispers once they break it off, gasping for air.

“And that’s why we’re together.” he smiles as he sits back down, sobering up from the best thing that has happened to him in a while ”Can you ask Anya to come back here for a second I need to ask her a few things?” he knows they’re running out of time and there are things he needs to fix while he can.

“What things?” she worries. Of course she does. He’ll never stop hating himself for doing this to her.

“Hey” he rubs his thumb over her hand ”It’s okay, I need to talk a few stuff over with her. For the trial, okay?” she nods, believing him as she gets up ”Don’t say goodbye, okay?” he begs of her, he doesn’t think he can handle it. She’s always been the stronger out of the two of them ”Just…I’ll see you soon, okay?” she understands him. Of course she does.

“See you soon, Bell.” he watches her go and once the door closes behind her back, he finally gives in, gripping the edge of the table with his hands and biting his lip as he tries to control the burning pain in his back, spreading all the way down to his right knee.

“You wanted to talk?” he’s so buried in his failed attempt to calm himself down that he doesn’t notice when Anya has come back in and settled down. He hurries to compose himself while she gives him a knowing look. He just hopes she doesn’t say anything to Clarke or his sister. He’s pretty sure Murphy saw right through him, they’ve known each other for a long while after all. 

“I need to make a will” he announces and she gives him a surprised look though she hurries to hide it.

“May I ask why is it that you want to do this now or-”

“You and I both know that Kane has people in high places and getting me out of here in two weeks will most probably not work out. I will appreciate it if you keep trying though” he wants to believe there is a way. If not for himself then for Clarke and his sister. 

“I will. I meant what I told your sister and Clarke. You being in here is wrong and I’ll do anything I can to fix it.”

“I also hope you’re being as honest with them as I am with you now. I don’t want them to think that this can all magically work out.”

“Which is why you’re preparing a will?”

“I already made one, before I went for my first tour” he had no illusions, he was after all, going to war, not to a picnic ”I just need to make a few amendments now.” she nods, it appears as if it won’t be a problem ”In case…something happens to me.”

“Well you are a morbid one” she comments as she writes down a few stuff on a paper she carefully places within his file ”We can discuss all that next week when I come to prepare you for the hearing. Anything else I can do for you?” he shakes his head, he knows he’s running out of time because Riley was standing impatiently somewhere behind his back, probably so he could warn them it’s time to go.

By the time he’s back to his cell, the only thing he’s thinking about, is Clarke’s lips pressed to his.

 

 

Just like he thought, he doesn’t make it out in two weeks, there’s just no way they would let him off the hook so easily, he was certain of it and he turned out to be right. He hated seeing his sister’s and Clarke’s broken faces that day in court, but he tried to keep up his strength and hope for them. 

Finally, two months later, Anya makes a breakthrough, gets him another hearing and when the judge(one who’s obviously not another Kane-corrupted bastard) sees him, he quite frankly doesn’t even need to hear to what the lawyers have to say-he was pissed off that the military could threat a vet like that. The last person Bellamy saw being that outraged was his mom when he crashed her car at the age of fifteen. 

When he finally, finally makes it out of this goddamn place, they are of course waiting for him. The way he stumbles on his feet and needs their support reminds Murphy of a different time, years back when Miller and he were struggling to keep him standing in an infirmary in the middle of a goddamn desert. The thought scares him, because he barely made it out alive back then, but he’s sure this time is different-this time he had Clarke and Octavia. 

He’s desperate in his pleads to them and it breaks Murphy’s heart, because all Bellamy Blake wants to do once he’s finally free, is head to the park and get ice cream with his girlfriend and his dog and then visit the cemetery because “he missed Miller”.

They can’t let him go, through. He’s barely himself-his mind is fine, he’s trying to smile at them even when the pain is killing him and he teases Clarke for a kiss more often than Murphy thought possible. Quite honestly, he admires him-if it was him, he would’ve gone insane locked up like this for so long, but that was until he realized that Bellamy’s been trapped for a long time and as much as he hated it, he learned how to live with it and how to make the best out of it.

He’s his most annoying self during the two weeks he has to spend at home, bedridden, because he’s just that fucked up after seven months in prison and he drives Clarke and his sister nuts with his constant attempts to stand up or try to walk on his own. It gets to the point where he fights with Clarke and she leaves her place (where Bellamy is now residing since it’s better to live with your girlfriend than your best friend apparently) and calls Murphy, asking him to knock some sense into his thick head. 

Once he does, Bellamy and Clarke make up, of course they do, Murphy’s never doubted it. If she was a fire, he was the wind that blew and kindled it. They were both forces of nature everyone refused to deal with, because you could end up getting blown up and Murphy’s literally already been there done that. He was good at calming Bellamy’s fire down and grounding him and even though it was hard sometimes, he was quite honestly happy there was fire left inside his friend at all. He knew goddamn well, Bellamy’s been too close to fading out on number of occasions.

When finally Clarke lets him leave the house, it’s two and a half weeks after he’s become a free man and they are doing exactly what they initially planned to-they are going for a walk in the park.

They grab ice cream (Bellamy insists on doing it himself and she doesn’t fight him on it) and let the dogs go, watching them from the same bench they sat on more than a year ago.

She cuddles into his side and lets him fool around, staining her face with some chocolate chip ice cream just to tease her. She slaps his chest playfully, then they stay like this in silence, watching the dogs fool around. 

“I’m glad I made it” he says after a long while and she looks up at him curiously.

“I’m glad you made it too.” he draws circles on her back in a calming manner, he knows how hard this has been on her and she stuck with him nonetheless.

“I wouldn’t have done it without you” he leans down and places a kiss on her forehead ”Thank you, Clarke.” she finds his hand and intertwines it with his, squeezing it tightly. 

Then they fool around like love struck kids for a long while, making out on the bench, then playing with the dogs, as much as Bellamy can do that. Once they’re worn out and she suggests they go home he shakes his head and offers something else.

“Do you want to meet my friend?” he asks her and she first looks at him confused until she lets it sink in and nods as she helps him get up from the bench.

They make it out to the cemetery using his old red truck, because if they’re going anywhere, it has to be with his car. She’s not sure about this at first, worried that it will take its toll on him, but once he makes it out of the truck and starts guiding her through the numerous graves, he seems at peace to her. It’s obvious, he’s just missed his good friend.

“Hey, buddy” he greets him when they finally make it there and Clarke faces a white stone with the name Nathan Joseph Miller and the years carved under it, as well as his ranks and the team he was in ”Sorry, it’s been so long since I last came.” he apologizes as he places down the flowers they got before heading out here ”It’s just that…a bunch of stupid shit happened” he explains ”which I am pretty sure you saw for yourself, but…anyway” he glances back at Clarke and nods for her to come closer ”I wanted you to meet someone.” his voice is a bit shaky and there are tears in his eyes, but he’s holding up and this is yet another moment she wonders where on earth he takes all his strength from.

“Nate, this is Clarke, my girlfriend” he smiles at her ”Clarke, my best friend Nate. Well, other best friend, you’ve already met Murphy.” he clarifies, because how could he ever miss Murphy, he loved him so damn much.

“Nice to finally meet you” she whispers as she kneels down and places her hand over the white stone ”I’ve heard so much about you.” Bellamy smiles as he watches her ”But I’ve just got one question for you” she turns to face him and he sees her devilish smile ”How on earth did you deal with the most stubborn guy in the planet?”

Bellamy chuckles and it is the best thing Clarke has heard in a while.


End file.
